Monday, 2 August 2010

Some Things

Some things have happened. Actually, this is a lie, nothing has actually happened at all, but there is no coherent theme to the following, it is just Some Things. Eh, it's August. You can't go expecting Proust, innit.

1. I have managed to import livestock into the UK without incident. My puny triumph is redoubled having borne children and canine across the Channel unharmed, bar a little light anglo-saxon vocabulary when it all went to shit on the Hammersmith Road. The livestock was relatively well behaved. The children were silent as the grave thanks to modern electronics. Papa Waffle has taken them off to the country for 2 days to poke dead things and fall into open sewers, and I note, unfortunately for him, that Fingers has left his Nintendo behind. I hope there are some really interesting dead things to poke. It was a real wrench to see them disappear just after getting them back and I am a bit bewildered by the whole thing, and by the summer in general. I am sure they are fine, and it is only two days while I finish up at work, but I find myself a bit dislocated and aching again tonight. I have applied a poultice of fried foods and Sherlock to the sensation. It is not really helping.

2. I had to listen to Radio 1 for HOURS over the last 3 days. I attribute my three day migraine largely to this, well Radio 1 and motorway terror. This may sound like generic old lady 'It's not music it's just noise' type whining but actually I rather craved noise, what I couldn't stand was the generic nasal west coast vocal/phrasing hideosity and all round dreariness. The absolute worst bit of it was the news coverage - I found it strange and obscene to hear a military campaign described like a sporting fixture "they face a tough opponent", "they'll be facing IEDs, that's homemade bombs". Hideous. It must be my Quaker (hem hem, smelly hippy rather) upbringing. Also, Katy Perry. It sort of hurts my fingers when I type that.

3. I have to have my face rescanned tomorrow. The initial face scanning was discussed here. Since then, I have been half-heartedly trying to apply the trial cream, which smells terrible, but seems to be better than, say, anointing your face in fag ash and lard. I have been less than assiduous though so I am terrified there will be no improvement. I really, REALLY hate to fail an exam, even a skincare exam. Sadly, there is no such thing as last minute revision for a face exam, bar sleeping twelve hours and I'm already too late for that. I might go and try and resurface my face with some kind of house cleaning product. Maybe I will pay a teenager to go in my place?

4. I had the ultimate middle class tragedy tonight when the remains of a bottle of pink champagne Papa Waffle left for me in his Notting Hill fridge turned out to be entirely flat. My pink champagne is flat! Is life worth living? (I would like the record to state that this is the only pink champagne in my life in living memory, and needless to say, I drank it, but this does not make me any less slappable).

5. Keywords tonight include "polish my papa shoeses and my mama sandle", which pleases me, the puzzling "lotion roofies" (how would that work? you stealthily massage someone with it?), "story tale breast expanding expansion male/female magic wizard conjuror" and "Belgian yellow coticules in Brussels". Noone needs to know about capybara mating for a change, which is a shame as I believe myself to be a world expert on that subject. Other things in which I am expert according to most frequent keyword searches: "how to look French", the frequently discussed and very unfortunate "blue waffle infection" and Kate O'Mara's feet. It's not much to be proud of, but it's something.


Go on, tell me Some Things.

20 comments:

Lisa-Marie said...

Radio one is fucking horrible. I know i'm going to sound old, but I don't care. I listen to 4 and 6, with the occasional bit of 2 thrown in. They are all fine at a third way up the slider volume on our DAB radio. 1, however is so loud I want to cry. If it was loud and good I'd be ok, but loud and fucking appalling? NO THANK YOU BBC!

Well done for transporting dog and children. The tunnel is a trail even with just grown ups, so I think you are superhuman!

I have pulled a muscle in my neck - it is very boring.

Also, I am on my last book I haven't read. It gives me the fear when this happens.

I have just had two glasses of wine. I've decided the combination of that and some ibuprofen and paracetamol and a hot water bottle might mean I actually sleep tonight, despite my pulled muscle.

I will have been married for two year on Saturday. How did that happen?

I just typed 'wombat' into the jeyword search, and it came up with 'wombat hostel'. I now imagine lots of stoned wombats with camping backpacks and guitars.

Margaret said...

I loathe the radio--my husband fixed up our car so we can listen to the iPod. So I only have to listen to horrible NPR infrequently.

Is it almost time for First World Problems or Secular Confessional? That would give you lots to say with minimal effort.

Finally, a question: Is Hammersmith Rd a terrible road? It sounds like it.

Wombat hostel. I think I will have another glass of wine and think about the wombats washing out their underwear in a sink in the communal wombat hostel bathroom. Later they will having slightly unsatisfying casual sex with Italian wombats.

ModestyBrown said...

Radio one is AWFUL! Even my four year old turns over to Radio Four. I can't say I like the Archer's any better though.

I will be *enjoying* a long car ride from Oxford to the Isle of Man (ferry included) next weekend with a 2, 4 and 6 month old. Oh and a husband that gets the rage in the car. I'd ask you to wish me luck, but it's probably more amusing not to!!

I hope you get on alright with the VISIA trip. You know me, I have the labcoat at the ready and look forward to hear about the graphs and measurements. I might even give the nuclear skinfare sample a go on my face today.

That's Not My Age said...

You'll have to buy Papa Waffle a Soda Stream for Christmas!

Lisa said...

I don't even know what Radio 1 is, bit I surmise it's like our satellite radio station Twenty on 20 which plays a lot of poppy pop for the tween set. The 14 year old thinks it's passe. Justin Bieber features prominently.

Flat pink champagne is an abomination. Poking dead things sounds like fun. I'm supposed to be exercising something other than my fingers, but am now, thanks to you, considering hiring a teenager to do it for me.

Alison Cross said...

I am a Radio 2 gal, but I sometimes chuck in a bit of Bute FM as penance for enjoying Aled Jones on a Sunday morning with my tea and toast.

I too have finished the last book on my pile (Eat, Sleep, Pray) and intend to hit the library this avo to stock up on some more.

I think you're jolly brave doing all that driving with a dog and two kids in the car.

Have you checked your undersides for illegal immigrants? Once you've done that, go out and check your car...

Ali x

Lola said...

I have far too many books still waiting for me to read, but thankfully no pain since the hearing in my ear came back 2 days after the dancing I did for my birthday. There's a whole lot of information in the one sentence.

Thankfully the car radio doesn't work so there's no possibility of Radio 1. I can recommend audio books on the ipod, podcasts from Radios 4, 5, 6 and Absolute Radio as well as NPR (This American Life, RadioLab) and, just for the hell of it, the BMJ and Scientific American.

I truly believe that Chris Moyles is the Antichrist.

Betty M said...

Radio 1 is terrible but Capital is way worse and unfortunately the 6 year old insists on it in the car. I counter with radio 3 but it doesn't work often. When we haul them all to the middle of France in10 days time I for see lots of dreadful Europop to accompany us.

In middle class tragedies I now have to spend the rest of the night trying to make our house presentable for the architect who is coming tomorrow to explain how if we handover our first born we can have a better house.

Glummy Mummy said...

How did you not commit suicide during your Radio 1 days?

The BBC should rename it Bile FM or Retch Radio. Seriously.

kathycastro said...

That's Not My Age, can you really put flat champagne through the soda stream? And it turns it back into good champagne??

I am going to say it loud and proud: I *love* Radio One, except for the idiots in the newsroom, who are stupid beyond belief. It's the only UK radio station I could stand for more than three minutes, as everything else is just "music for killing one's self." Also, Katy Perry is a fan of California Girls, as are you (aren't you?!??!??!).

Invader_Stu said...

I've never listened to Radio 1 but judging by everyone else's comments on the matter I think it must be radio one that gave you the migraine. I suggest writing them a strong letter.

Jaywalker said...

Yo, Castro. One can be a fan of California Girls and still be filled with nausea at the sound of KP.

The Wombat Hostel fills me with joy. Wombats in velcro sandals.

Lola, I concur. He makes me want to kill things. Satan.

kath said...

kathycastro Heston Blumenthal put Blue Nun through teh sodastream and said it was nice. I want one now.

I can't do R2, it is forever Wogan to me. Never tried R1 either.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

I had to suffer a long car journey with the only channel that would tune in being Radio 1. Their playlist is hideous. I thought it was my age! Glad you're back in London. Best of luck with your exam xx

Jaywalker said...

Oh Christina, The exam was piteous. I am still 100% hag. Tant pis.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Ohhhh noooo! Probably best you write about it here, because I'm sure it'll be funny! xx

bonnie-ann black said...

the *only* complaint i had during our last two trips through the cotswolds and other rural parts of the sceptered isle, was the rubbish radio stations... we couldn't find ONE that we could leave on all the time, and there are obviously BBC stations in each county, each of which was... rubbish. although all in different ways.

however, i had pink champagne at the world's longest champagne bar (king's cross station) and it was simply delicious. with all the bubbles. and in the freezing cold. but it was great.

PS my word verification is Asuprep... which sounds like one of those lotions you're supposed to be using JW!

bonnie-ann black said...

also: Sherlock is AWESOME... i cannot believe there are only 3 episodes! i think i'm in love with SH again.

Anonymous said...

Hey there. I was aching for a secular confession. "Things" will do.

How guilty it feels to have a crash. Oh, how guilty. Whom can I tell that won't tut tut. I have a crash and a boyfriend. The crash is on someone else.

Finally. It's out of my system. Thank you Waffle. Thank you. I was racking my brains to think of someone to tell. I'm so glad you are here.

Radio 1. Don't be harsh. Keeps me young.

Jaywalker said...

Aw, Anon. I would dearly LOVE to do secular confessional, but I have become very fearful about it. It's ok! A crush is a beautiful thing, I like to have no less than five or six at any given time.

Radio 1, however is beyond redemption.