Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Low Expectations

The holidays are nearly over and I haven't crashed the car or been eaten by an oversized crustacean or barricaded myself in a cupboard rocking and keening like a Romanian orphan. All these things may still come, but for now, we are exploring the wet weather options of the Isle of Wight.

Look, here we are sheltering from the rain in a strange, ancient wasteland of fibreglass cowboys and ravenous slot machines. Lashes is dicing unwisely with some kind of 4p offal tube, Fingers is more prudently sticking to crisps. I had a KitKat. I am 53% cheap chocolate, 39% tea and 8% galloping neurosis.

But it's ok. I'm a Butlins vet now. It takes more than a sadistically calibrated, pound a go grabber claw to push me over the edge. A broken forklift driving ride that swallows 6 quid and just sits there, mocking you with faint engine revving noises? A giant pirate themed machine that squirts glacial water into your ears? Whatever, bring it on. I've been to Plopsaland several times, and Plopsaland has a soundtrack of Flemish rock muzak. This was surprisingly entertaining in comparison, even when we had to go round the wonky house four times during a particularly persistent period of drizzle.

And better still, rainy, crap amusement parks teach me the essential truth about my children: they may only speak French, may have perfected an impeccably indifferent gallic shrug and ask me questions like "c'est quoi, un 'scone'?", but dammit, at heart they are English. Low expectations of fun run through their veins like weak tea.

They are astonishingly good at being entertained with rubbish, rubbish stuff. Broken fibreglass dinosaur carcass? Joyous!

(yes, it has an apple core in its mouth, this in and of itself created whole minutes of hilarity)

Cruelly lengthy forced march along a shingle beach on a fruitless fossil hunt? An ill-lit Nissen hut filled with dusty bones? Again, again!

Give them a querulous goat to poke and they are serenely content. So am I, actually, so possibly that's genetics rather than national identity. Goats are brilliant, aren't they? Essential malevolence barely concealed behind their expressionless slotty eyes, heads accessorised with sharpened offensive weapons. I love goats. They'll have your eye out, eat your mobile phone, maim your first born and wander away mildly bored if you let them.

The youngest, for whom indifference and requests to leave any form of entertainment (including cinema, circus, boat trips, laser gun fights) prematurely come as naturally as breathing, declared a sodden visit to Carisbrooke Castle to watch a handful of bearded enthusiasts in felt tunics bash each other vigorously with blunt broadswords and to queue in the rain to watch a donkey plod round an outsized hamster wheel "plutôt chouette" (pretty great).

On the strength of this, I think the programme for the last two days of our holiday should be something like:

Wednesday: Search the back garden for caterpillars. Visit Owl and Monkey rescue (I was going to say something waspish about this, since it looks like a crap pebbledashed hut peopled by a handful of grumpy Barn Owls on the leaflet, but then I googled it and it's for owls abandoned by Harry Potter fans! Now I am caught up in sadness of it all and want to visit it FOR REAL. Possibly move in there).

Thursday: Sit on the end of the pier in the rain with a pile of pebbles and a bag of chips.

I bet they'd love it. I'll teach them to love a scone yet.


Sara Padrusch said...

Your children are lovely and all the more so for their love of crap. My children are also amused by crap and I am so grateful to have children who are so easy to amuse.

I quite like the goat and after reading the article about the owls, even though I now know better, well, I want an owl. There, I said it. If it eats one of the cats than all the better.

Krazy Kitty said...

Sitting on the end of the pier in the rain with a pile of pebbles and a bag of chips sounds pretty idyllic to me right now, actually. Of course there's the fact that I'm ever so slightly overworked.

Em said...

Could your boys be more French looking? They're gorgeous.

And, yes, I would love to be sitting at the end of the pier too. A lot more appealing than writing boorish copy and trying not to fall asleep.

Lisa said...

Your boys are so handsome! The goat seems a bit pushy and as I sit here a steaming, melting, whinging mess, I envy the need for jackets.

Anonymous said...

You are spot on about goats - goats rule! I am sad to hear about the abandoned owls, but where the hell do the monkeys fit into this picture????

WV fuggyz - I'm about to go and tell several people that they can just fuggyz off...

Ann said...

I love this post. Thanks for making me laugh. It's my 40th birthday today.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you mean about goats. What's with those weird, weird eyes? And as for kids liking rubbish outings, the more tacky the better, I find. Last week my youngest, 5 year old boy, told me after I'd bought him a kinder egg then tken him to a drive through McDonalds, it was the best day of his life.

Alison Cross said...

Not been to the Isle of Wight since the summer punk rock descended upon us. By the looks of the dinosaurs, not much has changed.

You all seem to be having a good time - rubbish attractions or not.

When you go to the owl place, sneak me one out and post to Scotland :-)

Ali x

WV- ressesse - playtime for snakes at school

From Belgium said...

Goats are livesavers on a rainy day

glummymummy said...

Scones ... Scones ... Scones ...

Oh, brilliant! Drool on the keyboard.

Kippaxlady said...

Oh Waffle, I bloody knew you were a good sort, at last someone that adores the goat as much as I do.

Laurel said...

Abandoned owls, that's so sad! (Do you think any of them skateboard?) Maybe if you are kind the keepers will give you an Owl in a Box to take home and cherish.

Jeannie said...

Your boys are so cute and I say that as a mother of three boys (but mine are now 21, 23, and 26). So it looks like you had lots of fun--that is great. And the apple core would have made me laugh, too. Keep enjoying them. They won't be this age forever.

Beatrice said...

That pic of (y)our dog is so cute (!).
And great to hear you're enjoying yourselves.
See you soon!

Lisa-Marie said...

They are half English, how can they not love scones?!

Also, your children look very like you. I find most children like the things you expect them not to. It's like when they are little and they like the box more than the very expensive toy that is in it!

Lisa-Marie said...

They are half English, how can they not love scones?!

Also, your children look very like you. I find most children like the things you expect them not to. It's like when they are little and they like the box more than the very expensive toy that is in it!

lionelmessi10 said...

nanah keluar dari kemaluan cairan nanah keluar dari kemaluan obat cairan nanah keluar dari kemaluan obat untuk cairan nanah yang keluar dari kemaluan obat ujung kemaluan keluar cairan nanah obat ujung kemaluan keluar cairan nanah cara mengobati ujung kemaluan keluar nanah ujung kemaluan keluar nanah di sertai perih saat kencing penyebab penis keluar nanah penyebab penis keluar nanah cara mengobati penis keluar nanah kelamin pria keluar nanah obat kelamin pria keluar nanah obat kelamin pria keluar cairan nanah mengapa alat kelamin keluar nanah kemaluan laki laki keluar nanah kemaluan keluar nanah kemaluan keluar cairan nanah mengapa kemaluan keluar nanahcairan nanah keluar dari kemaluan kencing perih dan keluar cairan nanah cairan nanah keluar dari kemaluan pria mengapa cairan nanah keluar dari kemaluan kemaluan pria keluar nanah

Happy New Years 2016 Images said...

mother day wishes
mother day wishes 2016
mothers day wishes
mothers day wishes 2016
wishes for mothers day
wishes for mothers day 2016
happy mothers day wishes
happy mothers day wishes 2016

suhail alam said...

Merry Christmas 2016

Merry Christmas Images

Merry Christmas Wallpapers

Happy New year 2017

Happy New year wallpaper free download

Happy New year Sms

Happy veteran day 2016 image, quotes and message

suhail alam said...

Happpy Veterans Day 2016
Happpy Veterans Day 2016 Message nj
Happpy Veterans Day 2016 sms poem
Happpy Veterans Day 2016 Sms
Happpy Veterans Day 2016 Wishing Quotes
Happpy Veterans Day 2016 Quotes Saying
Happpy Veterans Day 2016 Image And Wallpaper

suhail alam said...

Happy Thanksgiving Day 2016
Happy Thanksgiving Day 2016 Image And Wallpaper
Happy Thanksgiving Day 2016 Message

suhail alam said...

Black Friday Deals & Coupons
Black Friday Deals on Mobile & Smartphone
Black Friday Deals on PC & Laptops
Black Friday Deals on Camera
Black Friday Deals on Baby Products
Black Friday Deals on Apple Iphone
Black Friday Deals on Watches
Black Friday Deals on Tablet
Black Friday Deals Web Hosting

vani sree said...

wow nice blog thanks you so mach

bollywood actress photoshot

mahisi said...

very nice.thanks for it.its very interesting this blog.
brand info

robert anthony said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ponni v said...

I am very thankful to you and Tq so much for interesting stuff. i am wating for next post

bollywood actress photoshoot

robert anthony said...

Thank you for this awesome information. I'll bookmark this page. Thank you once again.Showboxmovies on iphone for free

deepansaravana said...

very nice.thanks for it

Happy Thanksgiving

salam ma said...

The blog or and best that is extremely useful to keep I can share the ideas.
New Year Wishes 2017

deepansaravana said...

very nice. Thanks for it

black friday offers

tamil said...

Great site,it has innovative content which is helpful,and i like the designing of this site.I appreciate your work regarding website.
ifile ios 10 no jailbreak

Dhamodharan Kumaravel said...

I truly adored perusing your blog.
Best way to buy iphone7

Nikita Chavada said...

Thanks for the nice information.
Happy New Year 2017

mahisi said...

thanks for it.

happy new year funny shayri in hindi

Happy New Year 2017 said...

Hello, the template is really awesome. Great article, helped me a lot! Thanks a lot for sharing this article with us.

Check Out Our Connection Here:
Christmas And Happy New Year Greetings Wishes SMS Messages 2017
Goodbye 2016 Welcome 2017 Wallpapers Images For WhatsApp Facebook
{*Best*}Happy New Year Messages Cards Greetings 2017
Happy New Year 2017 Messages SMS Poems Shayari In English
{*Cool*} New Year 2017 Jokes Funny Images Wishes For WhatsApp, FB
{*New*}Happy New Year 851x315 Facebook Cover Photo Images 2017
Latest New Year 2017 Shayari Poems Quotes In Hindi
Happy New Year Funny Song Video Clip Gif
Inspirational New Year Greetings Quotes Messages Wishes 2017
New Year Wishes For Husband Wife Lover Girlfriend Sister 2017

Nagaraj Talikati said...

Great site,it has innovative content which is helpful,and i like the designing of this site.


Nagaraj Talikati said...

It Really Amazing. Thanks for it ... I really loved reading your blog. it was very well authored and easy to understand. Thank you so much......
valentines quotes

Happy New Year Facebook Covers said...

Happy New Year Facebook Covers

Happy New Year Wishes For Gf said...

Happy New Year Wishes For


ghada sayed said...

شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة
شركة نقل عفش بجدة
شركة نقل عفش بمكة
شركة نقل عفش بالطائف
نقل العفش والتخزين

ghada sayed said...

شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة
شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة
شركة نقل عفش بالرياض
شركة نقل عفش بينبع
شركة نقل عفش بالدمام
شركة نقل عفش

ghada sayed said...

اهم شركات كشف تسربات المياه بالدمام كذلك معرض اهم شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام والخبر والجبيل والخبر والاحساء والقطيف كذكل شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة وتنظيف بجدة ومكافحة الحشرات بالخبر وكشف تسربات المياه بالجبيل والقطيف والخبر والدمام
شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة
شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالدمام
اهم شركات نقل العفش والاثاث بالدمام والخبر والجبيل اولقطيف والاحساء والرياض وجدة ومكة المدينة المنورة والخرج والطائف وخميس مشيط وبجدة افضل شركة نقل عفش بجدة نعرضها مجموعة الفا لنقل العفش بمكة والخرج والقصيم والطائف وتبوك وخميس مشيط ونجران وجيزان وبريدة والمدينة المنورة وينبع افضل شركات نقل الاثاث بالجبيل والطائف وخميس مشيط وبريدة وعنيزو وابها ونجران المدينة وينبع تبوك والقصيم الخرج حفر الباطن والظهران
شركة نقل عفش بالرياض
شركة نقل عفش بالطائف

ghada sayed said...

شركة نقل عفش بالدمام
شركة نقل عفش بجدة
شركة نقل عفش بمكة
شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة
شركة نقل عفش بينبع
شركة نقل عفش بالخرج

mahisi said...

very nice.
Makar sankranti sms

Dhamodharan Kumaravel said...

VERY NICE PHOTOS..................


Christian Bale said...

nice looking sites and great work. Pretty nice information. it has a better understanding. thanks for spending time on it.
valentines day quotes
rose day
hug day
promise day sms
happy easter
Happy Mothers Day Wishes
best quotes about life

gate2017results said...

Gate 2017 Result
Gate Result

mahisi said...

hi! thanks for it.it's very interesting this blog....
Miss India 2017 Winner Name

Kareenakapoor said...

Mother's Day is a celebration in regards to the mother of the family, and furthermore parenthood, maternal bonds, and the effect of mothers in the general population field. It is commended on various days in many parts of the world, most routinely in the seasons of February or normal of the week. Happy Mother's Day quotes It supplements near celebrations with respect to relatives, for instance, Father's Day and Siblings Day.

Fathers Day 2017 said...

The best collection of Happy Mothers Day 2017 Images, Photos, Pictures, Wallpapers, Mothers Day Quotes, Wishes, Messages, Greetings,
Happy Mothers Day Poems & Sayings, Mothers Day Messages, SMS, Text Messages,
happy fathers day images
happy fathers day image
fathers day pictures 2017
fathers day cards 2017
father day images free
happy fathers day quotes
happy fathers day message
happy fathers day to my husband
happy fathers day wishes
father's day quote
eid mubarak 2017
Mothers Day WhatsApp Status & Facebook Status, DP Images,
Mothers Day FB Profile Pics, FB Timeline Cover Photos etc.

faeeza banfield said...

Dermalogica Professional
Dermalogica SkinCare Products UK Stockists
Buy Cheap Dermalogica Products UK
Dermalogica Cleansers Products
Dermalogica Daily Microfoliant Reviews

robin singh said...

Happy New Year 2018 Images
Happy New Year Images 2018
Sarkari Naukri
Black Friday Deals
SBI Recruitment
Merry Christmas Images
Federal Holiday USA
Post Office Recruitment
Halloween Costume Ideas

robin singh said...

Labor Day Wishing Quotes 2017
Labor Day Greetings 2017
Labor Day Recipes 2017
Labor Day Desserts 2017
Labor Day Weekend Gateways 2017
Labor Day 2017 Quotes
Labor Day 2017 BBQ
Labor Day 2017 Images
Labor Day 2017 Weekend Sale
Best Way to Celebrate Labor Day 2017

robin singh said...

Happy Yom Kippur
Yom Kippur Rules
Yom Kippur Wishes
Yom Kippur Quotes
Yom Kippur History
Yom Kippur Prayers
Yom Kippur Timings
Rosh Hashanah And Yom Kippur
Yom Kippur Recipes Ideas
Grandparents Day Craft Ideas

robin singh said...

Happy Diwali
Happy Diwali History
Happy Diwali Images
Labor Day Quotes 2017
Labor Day Wishes 2017
Grandparents Day Quotes
Grandparents Day Gift Ideas
Teachers Day Quotes
Teachers Day Sayings
Teachers Day Wallpapers

robin singh said...

Happy Rosh Hashanah
Halloween Day
Halloween Pumpkin Carving Ideas
Halloween Costume Ideas
Halloween Couple Costume Ideas
Halloween Day Quotes
When Is Halloween 2017?
Happy Diwali
Happy Diwali History
Happy Diwali Images

robin singh said...

Black Friday 2017

Black Friday 2017 Deals

Black Friday 2017 Sale

Veterans Day
Veterans Day Quotes
When Is Veterans Day
Veterans Day Activities
Veterans Day History
Happy New Year 2018 Images
Happy New Year 2018 Pictures

robin singh said...

Happy New Year 2018 Wallpapers
Happy New Year 2018 Quotes
Happy New Year Images 2018
Happy New Year Greetings 2018
Happy New Year Wallpapers 2018
Merry Christmas 2017 Images
Merry Christmas 2017 Greetings
Merry Christmas 2017 Wallpapers
Happy New Year SMS 2018

robin singh said...

Sarkari Naukri
SBI Recruitment
Federal Holiday USA
Post Office Recruitment
Govt Jobs 2017
Buy Washing Machine
Cheap Car Insurance
happy dussehra 2017

Shubham Singh said...

Halloween Costumes

Edward said...

Latest Short Films hindi
Comedy Short Films hindi
Indian Web Series
best hindi short films