Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Tuesday Oddness

This afternoon was peculiar. I put some make up on in the ladies loos at work, walked out, had a moment of doubt and walked back in to confirm that I had, indeed, as I finished applying each item, thrown it carefully into the rubbish bin. Next, I went the wrong way along a metro line I use constantly (I mean, there are only TWO, it's not like it's hard to remember). When I finally righted myself and found my tram, I was delighted to see GALLIANO VEST MAN, who I haven't seen for the longest time. I got you a picture, but I was standing too close to get his magnificent grey mullet in. Also, I am chicken. He would terminate me. Flouncily.


If that vest was in a French magazine the strapline would be something like "Osez la transparence!". Which now that I think of it, is a slightly prosaic French version of 'dare to bare'. I like to imagine him lounging alluringly, in a selection of diaphanous vest tops, across an eight page spread in Gaël magazine next to a feature on "L'artichaut - légume de l'été et votre atout minceur" (Artichokes - summery and slimming!)

Until I can provide you with proper evidence, you're just going to have to trust me, this man is in his fifties and has a luxuriant grey mullet.

I note that Galliano Vest Man has forsaken Galliano, for Cavalli. Poor John. You've been drifting off the fashion radar for a while now and this really is the final indignity for you, isn't it? I imagine you crying into your protein bar, your prissy little Hercule Poirot moustache drooping with the weight of your salt tears while Christopher Kane and Erdem Moralioglu point, and laugh.


Most disturbing of all, my post when I got home was THIS:






The front reads "We should get off to a good start" and the back reads "A ninety two year old lady made this card, hoping you would like it".

I cannot begin to understand this but it seems indescribably sinister. She's going to come knocking at my door, isn't she? Is this a well known Belgo-scam? Really, that was all this neighbourhood was missing, the chance to be doorstepped by possibly fictitious nonagenarians with a taste for whimsical stickers and green ink.

Thankfully I am escaping tomorrow, for the first Facegoop London Summit. We have great plans, the brain twin and I, for video blogging and hippy baiting and mortifying beauty based cruelty of all kinds, but I rather imagine it will end up with us sitting in a park drinking warm wine and telling each other repeatedly how doomed we are. I am really looking forward to it. After that, I retreat to my hermetically sealed box in Bath. Oh! And on 29 July, I believe I am doing another one of those Tall Tales thingies. I have not remotely prepared for it in any way, and whatever ideas I had when I agreed have evaporated like the morning dew off a luxuriant mullet. If you have any suggestions of topics about which you would, theoretically, like to hear me speak for five minutes in a pub in Kilburn next week, I am all ears (and a little bit desperation. Possibly 76% ears, 24% desperation). Help!

20 comments:

Lisa-Marie said...

You should talk about sharing custody of your children. You could use photos (for example, of their tent roling around the garden) and get them to do annotations!

Lisa-Marie said...

Also, when I worked in the book/craft shop, we got lots of weird but nice old people in who bought stationery ans stickery bits. They brought me cake often(i only ate it with other adults present!). You'll be ok!

punctured bicycle said...

Ooh, how lovely! I may have to go along, lurk awkwardly in the shadows and leave without introducing myself as is my way. Cursed crippling shyness! (My only other social strategy is to drink too much, so not necessarily a winner either.)
I think the tram could prove to be a fertile vein of material if this gentleman is any indication.

Jaywalker said...

Do, bicycle! I am terribly shy too and will have a pig sweat of GIN on, and make no sense and be standing in a corner by myself. Wow, I make it sound so tempting.

Mara Rose Gaulzetti said...

I simply cannot get over that post card. Those juvenile stickers are perhaps the most frightening, and the fact that a 92 year old woman applied them with her wrinkly fingers? Shudder. The hedgehog holding a letter will haunt me.

I would call this the case of an elderly stalker.

I lived in Belgium for 9 years and love reading your hilarious observations.

magpie said...

Kilburn is round the corner from me! I too shall come and stand in a corner by myself, self consciously drinking tap water and glancing around furtively at what other people are wearing and wondering if I am over/under dressed or too visible/horrifyingly invisible.
If I talk to anyone at the moment there is an awful risk of terrifying them with far, far too much information about things, so it's probably good that I am socially inept.
However, if you see someone hiding behind a camera or a cake it might be me. Unless I've talked myself out of going.

Jaywalker said...

Brilliant, Magpie! We can turn it into a festival of social awkwardness. I will publish details as soon as I have them. The fact I currently have NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO SAY is a mere detail.

Anonymous said...

First world problems...

jonathan said...

That Belgocard thing is the sort of heaven-sent urban mystery that most bloggers (including me, absolutely, someone sent me a Parka coat once and my readers never heard the last of it) would attempt to dine out on for a month. You dash it off in two paragraphs almost as an afterthought in a post containing equally and more hilarious material on what would be at face value less promising topics. Which is of course a mark of your genius and why we all keep coming back!

linda said...

Was the card actually stamped and addressed to you and properly posted, or was it slipped under the door?

I thought Vest Man was enough, but you saved the best for last with the card. I am, in equal parts, giggling and shuddering.

C/Kalgon said...

"Magnificent gray mullet" is my favorite new oxymoron!

kath said...

Kilburn is sooo far. But there is still one corner left to lurk in.

The continent is closing some time this week isn't it? My childminder is Belgian and withdraws her services for the whole of August in tribute to her homeland.

Jaywalker said...

It's today Kath! Belgian Fête Nationale marks the ceremonial closing of Europe. I wrote about it here

http://www.belgianwaffling.com/2009/07/belgium-is-off.html


I should try and link properly. Hmmm. This?

Belgium is Off

frau antje said...

Now I'm depressed that not one of my neighbors is 92, that seems to hold promise. You all present a stunning picture of the inside of a pub though.

Fat Controller said...

You're in Kilburn while we're in sunny Bournemouth. Bad timing there. I don't suppose you could be persuaded to postpone for a couple of days so as to co-incide with the great British Beer Festival at Earls Court?

Thought not.

Nellig said...

Waffle, you could spin any old straw into live standup gold.

Your childhood camping trips sound like a rich vein of material. Also, those horrible old ladies in Paris who disparaged your clothing. I can never get enough of them. Also: anorexia? Wigs? What's not to love?

Would you get somebody to record you? Please? No, I thought not.

My only fear is that you will go on to win the Perrier award, get rich and famous, and stop writing this blog.

Invader_Stu said...

There is something very sinister about that letter indeed. It almost sounds like the start to a horror movie. I'd be checking for a 92 year old lady covered in glitter and glue (like a 2 year old who got carried away) every time I opened the door.

Alison Cross said...

I think your take on Belgian politics is exellent - but would involve smuggling chicons through customs!

How bout The Von Trapps? The elderly green-pen stalker? Making unicorn horns out of tinfoil?

Have a great time!

Ali x

ModestyBrown said...

The poison pen effort from a 92 year old is hysterical. I don't doubt for a second that there is some scam involved. It's your good fortune that you have escaped before she can come knocking!

And Galliano vest man. How tight are those trousers?

theharridan said...

i am TOTALLY coming to deepest KILBURN! Yaysers. where and when? I might go in disguise. Like, I might do my hair and wear something clean *excited face*