Thursday, 22 July 2010

My left foot

Within minutes of meeting up yesterday, I was showing the Brain Twin my left foot, which I have been scratching raw in several places for about a month. It's a nervous tic. This summer has NOT been easy so far. I'm 50% pervasive anxiety, 30% despair, 10% inertia and 10% foot scratching. Just imagine if I had done twenty sit ups instead of scratching my foot every time the urge overcame me in the past few weeks? I'd be Elle McfuckingPherson by now. Just writing about scratching my foot is making me do it RIGHT NOW. Admittedly sit ups on the floor of Pain Quotidien might look a bit odd. I could read a poem or something, do some calculus? Whatever. Anything but savaging my own soft tissue. I did it last year too, but I was still living with the CFO, who would catch me and slap my hand away. Now I can scratch unfettered, and it shows. Yet another of the unexpected consequences of living alone.

"Eeeeeeeeeuuuuurgh" she said, recoiling in horror.

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Euuuuuuuuuuuurgh. My sister Skyped me her cat yesterday. It's just been neutered, and she held it up to show me the scar".

"Oh?"

"Yeah, she said 'the vet says if there's a lump bigger than a hazelnut, there's a problem. That's a walnut, isn't it?'"

"Eeeew. Was it a walnut?"

"Yes. And apparently, the walnut bump was the cat's intenstines protruding".

"Right. So, basically, are you saying that my foot looks like a cat hernia?"

"Yes".

"Gross"


"So I can't have the fish pedicure?"

"Dude. Fish have feelings too. Also, there's nothing left for them to eat".

"Fuck".

Any suggestions? None of your hippy shit, please. I'd rather something brutal.


(Oh, if anyone wants to come to this thing next Thursday in Kilburn, drop me an email - some of the people who are doing it are actually good and mine, whatever it is, will definitely be SHORT).

15 comments:

Invader_Stu said...

That sounds painful.

Lisa said...

I'm still laughing at the skyping the cat. I'm so glad it's not just me showing my pussy to friends in France and Amsterdam.

Oh, and I'm totally doing that sit up thing. Everytime I want to look gnaw on my thumbnail, I'm crunching instead. Thanks for the idea.

Lisa said...

P.S. I started to write look at porn and changed it to gnawing my thumbnail - hence the typo in my first comment.

I realize that both are equally unappealing habits.

Oh and how about a salt water soak? Maybe?

magpie said...

The brutal solution is to accidentally-on-purpose drop something very heavy, say an anvil, on your foot, breaking it and forcing the doctors to encase it in plaster. It will actually itch like hell as it heals but you will be able to do nothing about it.
You could also try the always effective straight jacket method, but you do need someone else around to help you actually do anything.
When I was younger and used to itch in the night the doctor made me wear socks on my hands. I got a pair with bows on them. Not a good look in Pain Quotidien though.
The other option is just to carry some hand cream or aloe vera gel and apply it instead of scratching. You will then have one very soft foot.

Nimble said...

I think the behavioral psychology technique is to put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you feel the urge to scratch your foot. Sounds pretty weak but better than a cast or gangrene.

My idea: Try setting a date to have a healed foot again. Pick a day six weeks from now and resolve to get a pedicure (fish or human administered) then. You can't scratch it, have to let it heal so it'll be presentable to the beautician/fish. Bon courage!

C/Kalgon said...

Slather the area in anitbiotic ointment with pain killer in it (if you can get that over there), cover with large gauze bandage and wrap the whole thing gently in Coban. That should heal up the icky-ness and the pain killer in the ointment will distract you from the "itch."

Then go with whatever you chosen distraction is, rubber band snapping, gin and tonic drinking, Mother's little helper popping. Your choice, here.

Anonymous said...

I now know what a "fish pedicure" is. (I thought it was a joke, a play on words from pisca/ pedi...!)

It is alternatingly amusing and grossing me out. Good way to start the weekend!
Thank YOU (seriously!)!

PS I've been drinking water every time I feel a craving for chocolate or "junk food" (there IS a difference!). So now I'm running to the loo every 10 minutes it seems. And still not losing an ounce/ gram! Damn.

Pat (in Belgium)

Have you tried Bach Flowers Rescue Remedy cream on your itchy foot?

Ellie said...

CALAMINE. Or bicarb. A bicarb bath works WONDERS.

Z said...

Slap your face instead. Hard. And put an ice pack on your foot. You may get frostbite, but it will numb the itch.

Madame DeFarge said...

I'd suggest putting your feet in a basin of water, but that might be difficult to take around with you on your travels. And I've never seen enough room on the floor of a Pain Quotidien to lie down.

bonnie-ann black said...

even if it's just a nervous habit, try (if it's available there) benedryl anti-itch gel (not the cream). it stings like mad for a moment then is very soothing. i used it when i was visiting my parents in tennessee where i was bitten by every giant mutant alient insect that bites. thought i would go insane with the itch. bought the gel, and it was great. the only thing, it comes with a warning not to use it over "large" portions of your body. i found out why. it makes you very sleepy! but it was *totally* worth it. i don't know what your chemist's equivalent of benedryl is. it's an over the counter antihistimine. give it a shot.

Iheartfashion said...

I have no solution for your foot scratching. It's probably better than smoking, which is my current stress relief. I'm dying to try the fish pedicure though. I wonder if they'd allow me to submerge my whole body.

Anonymous said...

Damnation! I live in Kilburn, but am away.
Which pub will you be at?

Benedicta Mae

Jaywalker said...

Hello Benedicta,

It's at the Good Ship. It happens every month, or two months and it's always very good. Not my bits, obviously. The other bits.

Anonymous said...

Will you be doing your talky thing anytime soon (apart from this event)? ...I would love to be able to come to one...I would be at this one except I am in Cape Cod having a lovely time. Am splashing about in a sea of denial. It's marvellous. Although drowning an ever present possibility.

Benedicta