Fish nibbling my dead skin: about 30? 40?
Humans staring in open mockery at me having my dead skin eaten by fish: >10
Number of minutes before having foot skin nibbled by fish passes from totally outlandish to 'yeah, whatever, fish feet': 20
(There will doubtless be more about the fish pedicure over on Facegoop, but here I will just say there's something a little last days of the Roman Empire about it, sitting terribly blasé after the initial hilarity/horror, fidgeting with your emails as fish swarm around your feet, nibbling your dead skin. Is this what we have come to??? What will future generations think of this? I swear, it heralds the apocalypse, or at least risks hastening the time when we are governed by a race of gigantic, inscrutable, squawking seagulls).
Time lapse between having feet savaged by fish and recommencing savaging left foot again myself: 3 hours
"Wouldn't it be more fun", someone said last night, thoughtfully "if instead of lots of tiny fish, you put your feet in a tank with one GIGANTIC fish?" And, if you think about it, that would indeed be awesome, except instead of a gentle pedicure, there would be the ever present danger of losing an extremity. Even better for our jaded, desensitised, thrill-seeking culture. I am going to open The Conger Eel spa.
Audience members at Tall Tales who took issue with my portrayal of the EU public procurement rules: 1.
Gins consumed at Tall Tales: 3 (very reasonable, my body is, if not a temple, then at least a modest unitarian chapel)
Countries passed through: 3
Kilometres covered: 650
Fig rolls eaten: 20
Seagull related road near misses: 1
Human error related road near misses: 3
Human error related road near misses in which the human error in question may arguably have been mine: 1
Number of CDs available to listen to during 9 hour journey: 1
Number of times randomly selected Flemish radio stations played Rose Royce's Carwash between 7 and 9 this evening: 3
Profound philosophical thoughts whilst driving: 3 (not related to, or triggered by, Carwash)
Thoughts about snacks whilst driving: 100
Reflexive anxiety thoughts whilst driving: 8000000
Homicidal seagull thoughts whilst driving: 8
Puny triumph thoughts once driving finished: 1
Delight to be back in mould-scented, orange house: trace