Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Recommended Daily Allowance

Ah, Wednesday, you obnoxious little shit. Always the same crappy attitude. It has rained all day. I'm 1/3 insect bite, 1/3 allergies and 1/3 sleep deprivation which is making me a delightfully itchy companion full of patience and forbearance for my cohabitees.

This afternoon, the children made a potion out of my Fresh Pink Jasmine cologne, Dior toning oil and expensive edible glitter, then summoned me hither and thither with raucous commands, as gentle and melodious as a nestful of baby vultures. Once they were mercifully confined to bed ("No, I will not smell your feet". "No, you cannot have a wind turbine in your bedroom". "Yes, that is a rude word, please do not say it again. Yes, I did say it, but only when I stood on the slug you had brought into the kitchen".) I vaguely corralled the filth into a dark corner with someone's abandoned sock and sunk into the sofa to think dark thoughts. Sensing my momentary availability, the weepette padded over to its bowl, selected a large piece of food in its dainty jaws, brought it over to the sofa and crumbled it on the floor for me with weird, trembly dedication. Getting up to aim a kick at the weepette and clear up the bonus filth, I stood on the screaming rubber chicken, terrifying myself and waking the children. Wherever I position myself the rubber chicken lurks ready to frighten the crap out of me, defying all laws of the physical universe as I understand them. String theory? Schroedinger's chicken?

Worst of all, I was supposed to be at a shiny, pink themed beauty awards ceremony tonight but all my babysitters have exams, damn them. I bet there were free things, and Flemish barbie women to laugh at. Curses.

I am thankful, however, for the following small mercies:

1. Our tadpoles are all still alive, despite the fact that their bucket now contains a slice of ham a dinosaur and a landfill's worth of plastic detritus, and that the dog frequently tries to drink them. One of them even has tiny legs. Gross, but fascinating.

2. I have managed to be sufficiently boring and tetchy today that the boys have actually played with the weepette. One might imagine this to be a regular event, but no, juvenile human and canine have a long-standing policy of completely ignoring each other in this household. Today they came together in a heartwarming display of cross-species harmony, barking and tail pulling. I can't pretend the dog was delighted at this turn of events, but at least he's tired tonight.

3. I can make Hummingbird cupcakes in my sleep now, handy since I sleepwalked through most of this afternoon. They are almost insultingly easy and require absolutely no baking skill whatsoever. Another perfect batch, another step along the road to clinical obesity. Mmmm, buttercream face.

4. Lashes, who reads constantly but only strip cartoons, read an Actual Book (George's Marvellous Medicine) in an hour today, told me in detail how brilliant it was and asked for another. Again, this is probably a product of boredom and parental neglect. I am all in favour.

5. I calculated today whilst sourcing my anti-histamines (the drowsy silver lining in my hayfever cloud), that from my front door I can - literally, and I do mean literally (how annoying is it when someone says 'literally' and means 'not even slightly literally') - walk to three different pharmacies within two minutes. Ah, Belgium. I am almost tempted to become a hypochondriac or prescription drug abuser just to take full advantage of the neighbourhood amenities. Pharmacies are only outnumbered in the two minute walk radius by bakeries - FIVE within two minutes of my front door. Chocolate shops are a respectable, but far from exceptional, three. Seedy bars: three (a little disappointing, but one of them has a mangy, balding Bichon frisé that bites, so counts double). And new for Spring/Summer 2010 a bookshop/newsagents/café that is open 365 days a year. All I need is a cavernous and well-stocked hardware shop and I would never need to leave my street. Perhaps I ought to open one myself. Hardware and cupcakes, maybe.

Anything keeping you going today, or are you throwing in the towel?

21 comments:

M. said...

I gave up on today yesterday.

M. said...

That was meant to say: I gave up on today yesterday, Wednesday, you cunt.

Alexa said...

Towel thrown in hours ago. Waiting only for it to be a decent hour to retire to bed with gin and shame.

Bryony said...

I know you may be envious, but I have just had a v nice room service meal in the hotel I am staying in and have a nice breakfast tomorrow to look forward to. Sorry. I still have a mangy leg with a big scar from my tendon operation though...

Knackered Mother said...

I love that you sent Wednesday to its room. Problem was, my Tuesday was already in there.

Betty M said...

A Waitrose muffin and an activia yoghurt is small compensation for a PTA meeting unfortunately.

Stevey said...

Got caught in the rain and soaked to the underwear. My (soggy) towel has been officially thrown in. All revision has halted in favour of watching Glee.

the polish chick said...

went home early today on account of everything spinning. oddly enough, as soon as i was out of eyeshot of people's bloody gums and week-old tuna fish sandwiches, my spinniness drastically improved, so much so, that i was able to tackle some long overdue paper maintenance and book us a kayaking course. am now lounging on couch, listening to radio, drinking mint tea and not feeling guilty at all (and only minimally spinny). fuck work! fuck you, wednesday!

Em said...

I'd just got over my wednesday and you brought it all back again. At least I can look forward to going to the hygenist today. Joy!

Margaret said...

Ugh, job-rejection stress + real estate horror + general gloominess + untenable line at Trader Joe's + rain + crap lunch = a two-hour nap in the middle of the day. Jesus this day has sucked. SUCKED. What the hell is *wrong* with you, Wednesday? Every week it's the same: We give you love and a nice place to live and good food and you thank us by shitting on everything. I have *had* it with you--I'm sending you to boarding school.

P.S. wv is mintrat. My new favorite word! Mmmm...mintrat-flavored ice cream.

Margaret said...

Oh gosh. I just clicked the link to your Jacobean tragedy. I wasn't reading you then so I missed it. It's just...words fail. You are *wonderful*.

3limes said...

Thank goodness for Ugandan public holidays as my Wednesday was spent by the pool. It was also my 15th wedding anniversary although that was considered a non event by the man I married so long ago. However I did manage to sneeze my way through the day. My allergies are so bad and I have tried every medicine known to Ugandan pharmacists. I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve such red nosed, eye dripping sneezing fits?

From Belgium said...

Wednesday is evil...

Marinka said...

Thank god I survived yesterday. And now I can't wait to visit you just so that I can stop by all the pharmacies. I hope that they sell snacks there, because I am also marching towards clinical (and perhaps literal) obesity)

katyboo1 said...

Wednesday was so appalling I only got around to commenting today. I could not contemplate actually speaking of Wednesday when we were still living through it. Was trapped in a Wacky Warehouse for four hours at one stage. Day ended with me sitting on the sofa alternatively shouting and crying, while the children patted me awkwardly. What joy.

Anonymous said...

Mention of tadpoles reminds me of this delightful picture book I was introduced to today. It starts charmingly and finishes badly - strangely I didn't see it coming, and the whole room of mothers and small children to whom I was reading sat stunned, and then asked for it again. It may amuse you too!

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Tadpoles-Promise/Jeanne-Willis/e/9780689865244

Jaywalker said...

Anon! I LOVE that book and know it well. Lovely lovely lovely brutal ending.

frau antje said...

Fairly sure the towel has already been thrown, but missing my time zone and other things that weren't tangible even when they existed.

WV kinsitu, a poured in place concrete structure that you have to live in with your relatives.

Anonymous said...

Re the tadpoles... You should get rid of them now, lest they continue to live and hop out of their bowl, only to dry up and die somewhere random in your home, to be found months later once you have forgotten all about their existence. Trust me, been there, done that, and the bodies, while fascinating, are unexpectedly gruesome to pick up.

Candace

Lisa-Marie said...

I have flu. I think that answers the question!

I am off work for a week from now though. so i can lie in bed and have flu and ingnore the world.

maymay said...

He's really been called by go around particularly actually over to dvd movie identifies, in addition to came down with an individual's the silver screen breitling replica sale to assure there is basically no chips and incapacitated. Howie Mandel is actually for that reason common approximately an individual's affliction, he still benefits an individual's financial success on it. The person tells the person could not be prepared to come to be like cheeky lacking an individual's ridiculous compelling attitude defect, there are really been particularly established for trying to become insurance plans to fund OCD prescribed medication and additionally ridiculous compelling defect treatment method. He Beckham is mostly a boyfriend that the majority fake rolex think that "has the software all" and additionally the person actually, and also "all" may include possessing ridiculous compelling defect benefit. This approach football music artist won't be able to withstand just about anything which is not shaped, and that can not likely overcome commotion or possibly any scenario that is normally "uneven". The person also provides challenges experiencing rolex replica sale which is not used, that will succeed really well just for an individual's wife's black-jack shoe interest in. Ridiculous compelling defect can cause contrast, still now you can see it to be particularly practical to measure an unusually triumphant lifespan by means of OCD. Caring for OCD is normally the way to command any replica watches. Signs you've gotten OCD, wish for ridiculous compelling defect benefit in these days! Psychiatry often is misinterpreted just by men and women that don’t figure out individual and additionally the outdoors about psychiatric treatment plan or possibly omega replica relating to likewise much in their civilization and your opinions.