Time for a bit of communal, therapeutic first world whining. I'll do one of these a week for the next three weeks. I'm keen to reach 99 first world problems and I'd like you to supply your own in the comments which I hereby decree to be a SAFE PLACE for whining of all kinds. You may whine about not having enough space in your bespoke walk in wardrobe for all your Nicholas Kirkwood shoes if you wish, or about the difficulty of landing your private plane at Cap Ferrat, or how sharp your miniature Shetland pony's hooves are when he brings you macaroons and jumps onto your lap for strokes. We will not judge you.
Here are mine:
2. Do not own a tiger.
3. The problems of grass, growing and cutting thereof. The fear of the tondeuse. The growing opprobrium of the neighbours. The pain and lacerations caused when trying to deal with grass. The stringy bit disappearing into the strimmer and refusing to be coaxed back out.
4. Pervasive envy.
5. Dogsitter moving to Florida to open a dog hotel.
6. HSBC.
7. Embarassing email, once sent, cannot be unsent.
8. Radio silence on pitch leading to despair. WAIL. WHY DID YOU NOT LIKE MY PROPOSAL? I do lots of pitches and nothing comes of them, but I thought this one was dynamite. So dynamite I wasn't even sure I should write it. CANNOT ACCEPT. Wail again. Check sent messages again. Maybe I should just write it anyway and keep it in a special box for brooding over in my (fast approaching) dotage.
9. Heat rash. It's not even warm.
10. No Tom Ford lipstick in Belgium.
11. Too fat for 80% of wardrobe.
12. The impossibility of avoiding the Sales in the mind of the impoverished.
13. Insistence of house on getting dirty.
14. Do not own a pony.
15. Brooding over craptastic half-arsed affairs.
16. Itchy feet. Literal, not figurative.
17. Getting too warm to keep butter out of the fridge. Do not like fridge cold butter.
18. Career apocalypse.
19. Can't go to Couleur Café. Absence of proximate, obliging grandparents for this kind of thing. No scope for overnight babysitting at all. Envy of CFO's accesss to his available and obliging parents.
20. Cat's arse wrinkles around mouth in the manner of Dot Cotton.
21. Noone to watch football with. Children bemused/indifferent. Too shy to go to bar on my own.
22. Really need a car. Cannot afford a car. Cannot bear to maintain a car.
23. Dog standing by my side reproachfully every time I eat something like a disappointed Weightwatchers leader.
24. Tapeworm (NOT A REAL TAPEWORM) has died, leaving me with a dead weight of accumulated bread products around my midriff.
25. Lust for expensive microdermabrasion with a diamond wand following discussions with Brain Twin.
26. Curtains. Fingers needs them as his are so transparent as to be entirely pointless. Cannot get to the yellow and blue death star: Consequence: Fingers in my bed, with his fingers in my eyes and both of us grinding our teeth in unison.
27. Headache, settling around eyeballs.
28. Shame of hearing brattish seventeen year old boy next door describe my house as "glauque" (squalid). A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD BOY THINKS MY HOUSE IS SQUALID. Ô, the shame.
29. Complexity of trying to avoid taxi driving stalker.
30. Grooming related ennui: nails need repainting, fake tan needs maintaining, trial moisturiser needs using, I need fumigating, frankly, after all this garden sordidness. Pffffff.
31. Have discovered the source of mysterious Green Nail Disease. It is avocados (or their skins), which mysteriously dye my nails and nail beds green when I peel them. Avocados are one of the only healthy things I ever eat and they are rejecting me. Woe.
32. Not getting enough writing done with two blogs to feed and squalor to (fail to) keep under control and neighbours to placate. Not disciplined enough to shut myself away and do something about it.
33. Desperate for a massage. No chance.
Ok. Ready steady whine!
70 comments:
Nothing decent on telly during the World Cup (what happened to counter-programming?), and fucking Wimbledon's about to start too.
Having a well-paid job without much accountability and HATING it.
Too many cherries on my tree..honestly, it's a nightmare.
Waffle, I can solve your avocado problem! You do not need to use your nails to peel them. Use a knife to cut the avo in half, pivoting around the pit. Grasp the two halves and twist slightly then pull apart. Use a spoon to remove the pit. Use a large spoon to separate each half of the avo flesh from the skin. Et voila.
I have to lug my laundry from the third floor down to the basement (yes, there is an elevator) and have enough quarters at hand (6 per wash and 6 per dry, which the 8 banks within 2 blocks of my apt. have ample supplies of) and can rarely manage it. I have to do everyones bedding and just about all of my clothes today and I will moan about it all evening to my lovely husband who 9 times out of 10 is the one doing the wash.
My clothes don't fit because I (for once in my life) effortlessly lost weight (really the baby weight that was hanging on for two years decided it was time to part ways finally) and I don't have time to go shopping so that my shorts don't fall off on the playground. Poor me.
Total inability to get food from plate to fork to mouth without spilling half (or more) of it down my front, onto my desk and down my legs. 3 year olds have better coordination. Will I never be svelte and preened? (and, oh good, spinach in my teeth. Why can't I just EAT it without decorating various parts of my person with it? Why?)
previous anon stole my exact complaint. darn.
the dvd shops sells three brands of ridiculous ice-cream, but not my favoured fourth brand so i have to make a detour on my way home of about 100 meters to get it.
Too many World Cup games on the DVR for me to watch after a long day of doing no work because the system I need to use is down. Oh the agony! Now back to reading blogs.
Oh yeah and carpal tunnel from using the mouse to scroll through the blogs I'm reading while I can't work at work.
1. Was sacked from a job that wasn't even a real job, that I was only doing because she was close to breakdown, by a friend, by fucking EMAIL!
2. Will yet again not get to graduate, even though I should have a year ago because of Uni admin people's incompetence. I turned up, i did the work, i got good marks. I help up my end of the bargain, why can't they hold up there's?
3. I am sick of washing dishes. There are only two of us, why are there so many?
4.Why did our landlord put cream carpets in this flat? I hate them.
5. The handle fell off my favourite teacup.
6. I have read all of the books I own. The fact that I own alot doesn't mean I shouldn't want to buy new ones.
oh lord, where can i start
Champagne is very cheering but gives me an instant hangover
I need to lose some weight, and cutting down on carbs would be a start, but I can't face life without risotto, polenta and pain poilane
Summer takes an astonishing amount of grooming - maintaining a fake tan is a full time job in itself. And don't get me started on the mani-pedi situation
Speaking of which, can I get an appointment for a medi-pedi at Margaret Dobbs? I CANNOT. I may have to go to the chiropodist in Acton. This is not what I'm used to.
I can't dress summer. This week I have either looked like I was going to Ascot (and I wasn't chizz chizz) or to a meeting of the W1. This resulted in Very Pitying looks from the entire Harper's Bazaar editorial team.
I think I have arthritis in my big toe and it's making it hard to walk in my Prada shoes.
They don't have Bombay Sapphire in the Co-Op (but actually, co-op gin isn't nearly as bad as you think it might be)
I hear there's a worldwide shortage of Angostura Bitters. I am really worried I'll run out.
Trefusis Minor's french school won't teach him to read until he goes to CP, and told me off in very shrill, French tones for trying to teach him myself. It will confuse him, apparently. Meanwhile, my mother keeps emailing articles from the newspaper saying that if boys don't read by the time they're six they are basically illiterate forever and will never ever read a novel when they're grown up and will never come to anything.
Erm, I have more firstworldproblems... there's one about Mr Trefusis and the ironing that I might just save for a private email....
Brilliant sunshine making me feel agoraphobic
Well-written book about African refugees was a downer
Tech support not responding fast enough to my tech gripes
Peonies disintegrated
Irritated by distant laughter of neighbours
Obliged to book own dental appointment
Word verification snidely invites me to type "culhead", and who can blame it...
We recently moved into a slightly less outrageously expensive rental house, and the husband has developed a serious case of the Middle Class Blues about the new kitchen: no dishwasher! (Oh the humanity!) The hob surface is *very slightly* slanted! (The horror!) A pot of water takes over TWENTY MINUTES to boil! (Whatever shall we do?)
I have to go camping this weekend :( I truly can't believe this. There is no way to get out of it either.
Also, my boss can not speak English correctly. His continual use of 'yourself' and 'myself' instead of the basic words 'you' and 'me' is leading me down a path I may later regret.
Cowshed is all booked up and I need manicure
I have to work for a living
I need to lose weight but I love food
fake tan is orange and smells funny- when are the 1920s coming back in style skin wise?
I can't come to the Moomin exhibition
Arsy colleague who seems inacapable of reading business analysis documents explaining WHAT the project objectives are and WHAT the benefits are and wants me to 'insert them' (again) in a revised, regurgitated, endlessly re-written reference document.
Insert them? Yeah, up his backside.
Someone save me from this mind-numbing task.
LCM x
1) Being paid too much for a job I am thoroughly bored of
2) The fact I can't do a decent DIY pedicure, and don't have time to get a professional one done.
3) The fact I can't find a cleaner to live up to my (mother's) ridiculously high standards
4) The fact I only have one dishwasher. Two dishwashers would be so much more civilised, n'est-ce pas? One for clean, one for dirty dishes - never need to have dirty dishes sitting on worksurfaces ever again.
5) the fact that my children continuously looked unkempt and unwashed and ruin their lovely Boden clothing
...the list is endless...
1)Planning family vacation with a high maintenance family who complain constantly, then we come away vowing to never vacay with them again
2)Working two jobs when I fantasize about working NONE
3)Listening to other people whine all day...no, really, it's my job (both of them)
4)Not enough time to keep caught up on awesome blogs like yours
5)Memory lapses signalling early Alzheimer's or impending nervous breakdown
6)Fantasizing about loving and engaging with my kids when we are apart, then yelling at them when we are together
Golly, where to start...so many whines so little time. Will limit myself to ten.
1. My attempt to tame the fur on my legs has literally scarred me (not sure how I managed it, as used the normal strips, but have managed to take off the top layer of my skin in random patches) so sweating through each day in black tights for the foreesable future.
2. Overnight my entire wardrobe has developed holes, shrunk, stretched, rubbed up and/or gone so far out of fashion that even I've noticed.
3. I've lost the ability to drink more than two glasses of wine without fuzzing my words and tripping over my own feet.
4. My hair is falling out and my Aveda colour has faded. And my chi-chi bob has NOT grown out well as promised.
5. Our local 24 shop doesn't sell booze. I have to walk FIFTEEN minutes for emergency gin occasions (of which there have been many in the last month).
6. BB on TV - hate it hate it hate it.
7. I have to share an office with a man who announces frequently that he's going to "treat himself to a wee" before a trip to the loo. Dreading how this might develop.
8. My boyfriend's obsessive love of football.
9. My job is rubbish, but well paid enough to make me feel guilty complaining about it.
10. I only ever get anywhere approaching in the mood at REALLY inappropriate times - yoga classes, conference calls and walking to work to name a few - but never when I'm happily hanging with the boy at home. Super annoying, as constantly oscillating between flapping hands away/demanding some peace and extreme frustration and longing. Sigh.
Funkabubble--I just weaseled out of a canoe trip. My policy is: any invitations to social activities that require one to bring one's own toilet paper supply should be turned down flat.
First world problems:
-The dealership didn't have the parts in stock needed to repair my car's coffee cup/gps storage compartments.
-I keep buying lovely, expensive locally raised organic produce and meats and then letting them go bad because I can't be arsed to cook anything. We are spending a fortune on takeout.
-Nothing good is on TV now that the U.S. prime time lineup is over for the summer.
-I can't decide if I should get my brows tinted to match my new hair color when I go in to get them waxed.
-My fancy apple-headed Siamese cat won't eat the special prescription canned food the vet gave her unless we mix it with tuna, salmon, or other protein sources (we are supposed to be feeding her a low protein diet--hence the prescription food).
-Husband and I are both too lazy to haul up the air conditioners and install them, and it's supposed to be over 90 this weekend.
-The damn kids from next door keep throwing frisbees into my vegetable garden and nicking the squash and bean vines.
-The Snickers bar I had for breakfast is giving me a migraine.
-All my summer pants are too tight because I haven't gotten down to my summer fighting weight yet (due to losing the will to eat/live when the temps rise above 100).
-My workplace has installed new internet filters that won't let me view pictures on, or comment on, Belgian Waffle.
Sadly, I could go on. Fortunately, I won't.
EXTRA TRAUMA. Haven't touched an avocado all day and suddenly index finger bright green, dammit! I have finger leprosy.
Mandatory overtime at crap job
Puppy with raging skin disease (harmless, yet disgusting)
No hot water
No cold water unless you fiddle with the valve
Half finished renovation draggin on and on and on and costing more and more
I can help with the butter problem though. Get a butter bell. It's a little crock that you put cold water in and the lid has a bowl on the underside that the butter goes in, keeping the butter in cold water so it won't go rancid yet soft enough to spread on toast.
Also Basil? 'treat myself to a wee' is grounds for cutting his throat with one of those staple remover thingies. WRONGNESS.
1. I just ordered takeout mini spanikopita but now that I am home and shoveling them down my throat, they turn out to be mini samosas. Godammit.
2. My new bedroom air conditioner arrived this a.m., but the building cannot install until Wednesday, which is FIVE DAYS from now. I am supposed to continue living with the old, not-so-frosty AC for FIVE DAYS? Is this freaking EUROPE? My country did not eviscerate oil drilling regulations and oversight thus allowing BP to spill a billion gallons of crude into the Gulf of Mexico for me to be not quite cool enough.
3. Vuvuzelas.
4. I realize I don't even have good first-world problems after reading about the Tragedy of the Arthritic Toe and the Prada Pumps.
5. These mini samosas are actually pretty good, which gives me one less problem. Aaauuuugh.
P.S. Mrs Trefusis, the bitters shortage supposedly has ended. There were rumors that the manufacturer was having financial/labor problems, which shut down production. Officially, there was a dispute with the tiny little bottle supplier, but they found a new tiny little bottle supplier, so all should be well. (I suspect the Angostura bitters people are not the best managers in the world.) So enjoy that mid-morning Manhattan without anxiety!
I forgot, Funkabubble: Are you currently living in North Korea? Otherwise, how can you be *forced* to go camping? Anytime I've ever been invited camping I just laugh and laugh and laugh. Usually the person ends up leaving just to get away from me. Or, if you are nicer than me (likely), you could casually mention your recently discovered and life-threatening allergy to bees/poison sumac. If you get stung by just *one more bee* or even stand next to poison sumac you will go instantly into anaphylactic shock and die. (I will send you the relevant references to "House" and an old "Murder She Wrote" episode to back you up.)
1) Compulsion to acquire things.
2) Too many things.
3) Internet addiction preventing mind from working in a linear, focused, self-propelled way.
4) Tidying efforts limited by internet brain damage to merely redistributing mess in between gawping at computer.
5) Last cleaner trial ended badly. Still seeking new cleaner. Dreading getting new cleaner.
I have hobbit toes, cannot be bothered to do anything about them, can't afford the time/effort of a pedicure but want to wear sandals.
I am going to London for three days and the only bag I can find to hold my stuff is one of the kid's rucksack's that is decorated with animal heads. I cannot work the look.
I cannot resist eating lunch in restaurants and am piling on the pounds but the food is too nice. I look like a sausage as seen in a fairground hall of mirrors.
The economy drive has gone to absolute shit. There is drive. There is no economy.
shards of baguette crust in my tapenade.
The sorrow at having to pay bills rather than buying Nars Multiples in every colour,
I am on an emergency diet but keep end up having fish and chips for various reasons beyond my control (e.g. got bought them by kind person) so things aren't going so well.
I am totally going to use the phrase 'treat myself to a wee' though! Thank you for that one Basil!
White angora cat hairs woven into my cashmere.
It's the bane of my life.
Wimbledon. Loathe it.
Strawberries. Gone off them.
Chanel nail varnish. Not as good as it used to be.
grrrr
The sales are here. You think it's good but it is actually very bad. It would be rude to go to the Selfridges sale and not buy anything.
WEM xx
Can't afford botox. Really need it. Will accept charity.
Skin needs pampering. See above.
Nothing to wear.
Family coming to stay. Am willing something to happen so this doesn't eventuate.
Need more freelance work. Doing nothing about it.
Going hard out in yoga. Then eating twice as much.
Still need botox. See above. Please.
One nail broke so I had to file the whole lot down even though they were looking lovely and white.
I haven't lost weight although I ate fruit for lunch twice this week AND drank pomegranate juice.
I found a website that delivers british food and spent a fortune on stuff I have no interest in.
Ditto whoever confessed about not using extortionately expensive organic goodies.
I am so with you Waffle about the butter.
I don't have a baby hippo.
I probably have to accept that I may never be a famous ballerina.
Life is so hard and cruel sometimes.
Fran
Feel extreme guilt when look at pile of unread LRBs.
Work BlackBerry has died and have to wait TWO days to have it replaced.
No longer live within walking distance of Waitrose.
Have ordered Cambridge satchel from website and have been waiting three weeks for it to arrive.
Hate my job as well although may soon be losing it so that will sort out that one for me.
LOL @ Boris' "treat himself to a wee" co-worker.
I share Punctured Bicycle's "Internet addiction preventing mind from working in a linear, focused, self-propelled way; Tidying efforts limited by internet brain damage to merely redistributing mess in between gawping at computer. disorder" This is complicating my life.
Now for my own:
1) Also do not own tiger.
2) Nor the hippopotamus I specifically requested for Christmas.
3) Need bathroom renos. Cannot bear to call for appointment with contractor. See $$s with wings in my mind's eye at the thought. Fear Health Dept. will shut me down soon.
4) Suspect cat and dog are using my dishes while I'm at work. How else to explain piles of dirty dishes in kitchen.
5) Cannot believe 4) has anthing to do with shared addiction with Punctured Bicycle.
6) Half inch thick coating of cat/dog hair on every article of clothing I own.
7) Too fat to fit into even my fat clothes despite having no appetitie at all lately.
8) Cannot believe 7) has anthing to do with shared addiction with Punctured Bicycle.
9) House interior needs total make-over. Can't be arsed.
10) Cannot believe 9) has anthing to do with shared addiction with Punctured Bicycle.
Help me.
1. having to file nails all the fucking time. no hope in sight - this will continue until i die or get galloping dementia and no longer care.
2. want to be filthy rich, not merely comfortable.
3. want to be mindnumbingly beautiful, not merely...whatever.
4. don't want to work, but don't want to be unemployed. see 2. above.
5. cut out salt from diet so mr. monkey doesn't keel over and die from hypertension and fuck it, i WANT SALT!!!
6. couch sheep needs to be groomed and i don't feel like it. i'm afraid my ass has made permanent dreads of it and it saddens me.
7. so bored of all the bad news on the news.
Damn, license to whine just when things were looking up. Sore throat morphed into sinus headache (approx. 4 a.m.), which I actually have drugs for.
I see someone has provided avocado details. You can also whack the seed firmly (and precisely) with a knife to dislodge, then whack the knife against top of garden wall on Von Trapp's side to get rid of the seed, and slice without penetrating the skin before removal with the large spoon.
Oh, and FUCK the neighbors. Did I say that already?
no decent looking kids to adopt i can do fuck ugly on my own
I need to tell you that most of those problems exist in the THIRD world as well. Especially Itchy Eyes, lots of allergies over here. My First World Problem, were I to be back in the First World would be simple: Temptation. All those pretty things and no money to be them with. I wish I had that problem...
My neighbour insists on having a BBQ every evening and the smoke fills my room. Now all mu clothes smell like steak :-(
Ah, first world problems - lovely whinges.
1) Agents I sent first chapters of novel to cannot even be bothered to send form rejection letter to confirm their disdain. I did not realise there is a lower level than the form rejection letter but there is, and I am it.
2) My lovely, generous, adorable siblings like each other much better than me and this makes me painfully jealous and then loathe self for being so horribly childish.
3) I am not capable of entering House of Fraser cosmetics hall without buying something pretty and expensive.
4) Loathe job. Cannot afford to leave job. Have been saying this for nearly 10 years.
5) Organising daughter's second birthday party. Am paranoid and incensed by those who have not replied to invite/have politely declined and suspect them of gathering in large cabal with excellent cocktails to bitch about how much they dislike me. Am now panicked by those who have said they will come - how to feed and entertain them and ensure they do not form groups to bitch about poor quality party and how much they dislike me? How can I stop this madness rubbing off on poor daughter?
Merci Madame Jaywalker, that was most therapeutic. Good luck with the finger leprosy.
1. am pregnant and must labor on 4 more weeks before delivery
2. must deliver baby in just 4 weeks
3. have to work one more week at supremely boring (but well paid) job before maternity leave
4. may not be able to return after maternity leave since wish to work 4/5 and boss says 'no'
5. Bitches at Kind en Gezin who say that my child is going to be traumatized by the new sibling (Reeelly yah think!!)
6. When my boss laughs he sounds like the Green Goblin character in Spiderman.
7. The cat ate my home made pesto
8. Husband thinks I care about football because I understand the concept of 'offside'
etc etc etc...
Also: I am slightly concerned that if your First World Problems were somehow magically resolved, your tiger and your pony might not get along. Just something to keep in mind.
the exorbitant cost of tequila, for god's sake
Now I've had an operation and am cured, I haven't an excuse to ask other people to carry things for me. And now that I don't use a stick, people don't give me their seat on the bus any more.
1. Heavily pregnant cat eating annoyingly large number of expensive little sachets of food. Can't be bothered to open cheaper tins.
2. Work colleague answers her phone with 'I'm so helpful, how can I be of assistance' type voice whereas I sound like I wish they would just piss off.
3. School age child has project to complete which she can't possibly do on her own. I hate her teacher for inflicting said project on me.
4. I want to eat Jamie Oliveresque food, with home grown veg. Tonight we are have Bernard Matthews turkey
escalopes with oven chips. Can't be fagged with making anything else.
Oh wow - where to begin?
1. The house we just moved in to has brass everything - lighting fixtures, faucets, doorknobs, hinges, drawer pulls, switch plate covers, even brass accents in the leaded glass windows. I hate brass. And we can't change it because we're renting.
2. Try as I might, I can see no way to justify the cost of a new MacBook Pro when my existing computer is only 15 months old, works perfectly, and does everything I need it to do. But... I WANT it!!
3. Craving cupcakes but am too lazy to go buy some. Definitely too lazy to make them myself.
4. Craving cupcakes and guilt-ridden because I've made very little progress losing the 15 extra pounds that have somehow adhered themselves to my butt and other unfortunate areas.
5. I'm bored staying at home with my two young children.
6. I echo the summer grooming laments of other commenters. How dare this fake tan fade so quickly?
7. Getting a headache trying to plan weekend fun. Slumber party and then the movies for the girls, but there's also the carnival or the gem show is in town.
Woe.
My First World problems
(had to delete original and repost this because there were so many typos I disgusted even myself)
1 When I try to twist my clematis tendrils onto the bamboo canes, the little fuckers snap off in my hands.
2 My son has announced he wants to be vegetarian because 'meat is murder'. I will kill the teacher who gave him Charlotte's Web to read.
3 Pitches - got so sick of making pitches to magazine for articles and being knocked back and THEN months later, seeing my idea in the fucking magazine, that I just stopped trying to sell anything that I'd written.
4 Deciding that TOMORROW is the day to pick the gooseberries only to find that YESTERDAY is the day that the pigeon has stripped the bushes bare. I hope they die a nasty diarrhea-spattered death in the radiator grill of a volvo.
5 Having dreams about sexual encounters with gorgeous men that only results in frustrated, irritated ranting for the rest of the day. I'm talking about YOU, Mr Brian Cox and YOU (rather more inexplicably) Mr Giles Coren.
That is all. Over and out.
1. Worry that, after years of criticizing other people for being control-obsessed, that I Googled it and found I was pretty OCD myself (mainly the obsession part, so not even the pleasant part of compulsion meaning that at least my house would be clean - Glauque doesn't quite describe it!)
2. Worry about my son failing his exams and it's all my, faux middle-class relaxed parenting, fault.
3. The Posh Boys
4. That The Posh Boys are about to shut down my office because I'm a fat-cat.
5. Not being a fat-cat.
6. Not having a gold-plated pension.
7. Fear of not getting my due amount of redundancy money, which at least would keep Dr Capybara from the door.
8. Not having £1m that would enable me to buy the farm-house, outbuildings and land of my dreams today to develop a wonderful holiday business.
9. That your Word Verif has asked me to type 'toissa', which sounds awfully like it's calling me a tosser...
All my seeds are coming up lovely, but so are the weeds and I can't be bothered to pull them out.
Three seperate senior managers have told me they'll recommend me for a well paid, very significant job in New York that would be perfect for me. I am not serious enough about my career to move to New York. Even though I am earning a pittance for doing a not very senior job in UK.
I have to get up before 10am to go to the dentist on a Saturday.
The cats pissed on the bed yesterday. The trip to the dentist will also be a trip to the laundrette to wash duvet.
I can't decide which bit of London I want to upgrade to now I can afford a nicer house.
Work just spent ££££!!! on a three day leadership course for me. I couldn't sleep, was knackered and ineffective and then got really pissed with the course leader, who is an ex-para with an MBE.
And I still have to get my feedback and tell them my 3 development targets.
I have to do laundry and clean my own house tonight.
Fucking woe is me, basically.
Dig has an invitation to go to Russia and I cannot go because i have to stay here and look after the children simply because i earn NOTHING and have no career and nobody would invite me. Those are the only reasons and they are rubbish because i would like to go. And I could not go to uzbekistan, jordan, canada, brazil, god just about everywhere and i really really HATE it and it is NOT FAIR. i am about to cry with ENVY.
First World Issues;
Not having enough room on the Sky+ box to keep all the last season of Lost, even though i'll probably get it on blu-ray
Why is there always washing and dishes to do? Even when i think its all done, something else appears out of nowhere
Working my arse off at work for very lttle money, and getting no recognition for it, even though i've mentioned in to my director
Baby jealousy of every new mum
Weed in the front garden just wont die - what are you?
I need to lose about a stone, but can't bear to give up pasta and rice, and cant be bothered to use the cross trainer thats gathering dust in the spare room
I do not own a giant panda
Cannot afford decent nail polish
Really want to make something of my love of baking, but cant for fear of complete and utter failure
That'll do for now
Ah, thank Nathan for the return of First World Problems.
1. Forgot to cancel online reservation at lovely restaurant, received angry call inquiring as to whereabouts, now afraid I will be blackballed for life.
2. Mysterious disappearance of Mercedes bonnet emblem from my car
3. Shop no longer has the suede wedges I want in orange, have had to purchase them in blue. Unsure the blue is acceptable.
4. Lanvin pearls are broken, must track down actual Lanvin shop to get repaired. Too much hassle, have considered binning.
5. Not a big fan of the new Oreo packaging.
6. Fell down and scratched the clasp on my Gucci clutch.
7. No suitable American replacement for Schweppes lemonade. Also, Pimms not sold at local supermarket. Must go to next one, full mile away, and even then, nobody carries the 1L size.
8. Swarm of hornets noise from vuvuzelas brings on immediate headache.
Mrs T, I too have been concerned about the Bitters shortage. However, when in my local Beverage Superstore the other day, was delighted to discover shelves packed, with all manner of varieties and sizes. Happy to export if shortage manifests itself in SheBu.
Not enough time to worry about whether or not I might lose my job and wondering what would have to my life if I did.
They dont do Ginger ale in Italy so I cant make one of my favourite drinks: Rum, lime and ginger ale.
I cant decide where to go on holiday.
Im too scared to sign up to learn to drive again cos Ive already failed the test three times!
Coffee makes my tummy hurt. As does anything remotely carby and therefore delicious.
DHL have lost my music tickets to go to the Heineken Jammin Festival next month.
Can't buy fake eyelashes on Ebay at the moment. Something to do with a Parisian court sanction or something.
The post in this area of Italy is nigh on extinct so any delivery from amazon means I get to read longed for, craved new literature 6 months after everyone else.
My adored Baby G watch wasnt as waterproof as suggested on the clock face and it has died. Im going to have to fork out for a new one. I dont like that everyone at work calls it 'brutto'.
My tummy isn't flat and its bumpy.
I dont have a capsule wardrobe, just tonnes of clothes and nothing to wear syndrome.
Out of prosecco
Tabby cat is too stripey
I don't have a Basset Hound
Ate too much cheese
1. Out of coffee filters
2. Desperately want to replace one of two cars
3. Toothbrush I'm using while one vacation is hard and hurts my gums
4. Is difficult to follow ridiculous First World dietary choices while traveling (paleolithic diet, anyone?)
All kids will be away at once for the first time in 13 years for longer than a day. I want to run away to my home city. Spouse wants quality time.
I'm so pleased to see that I am not the only one feeling like a good whine at the moment! I have already vented more than my fair share of gripes, but since you're taking a First World Problem angle, I feel compelled to add:
Getting my groceries delivered only to find that they are out of stock of several items, so I have to go to the supermarket anyway. And it is a whole 500 metres away.
Spending a fortune on Napisan to keep my white towels white.
Trying a new cafe for brunch, only to find that they don't grill the bananas that accompany the French toast, and make sickly sweet chai.
Arriving in Fiji for holiday, unpacking my suitcase, and finding that shampoo has leaked throughout it.
Having to wait for the latest issue of UK Vogue to arrive in New Zealand.
Finding that my favourite makeup product has been discontinued, and being unable to find a substitute that is anywhere near as good.
Being given gorgeous expensive candles but then not using them because they are not soy-based and might be bad for my lungs.
Finally settling on a name for soon-to-be-born baby - a name that you have never heard anyone else even mention, let alone use, and then finding it discussed on half a dozen baby name websites, including one that predicts it will be a top 10 name within 5 years.
A new concierge who doesn't know me demands ID just when I am absolutely dying to use the loo.
Finding out that the "healthy" snack I've been eating for the past month has just as many calories as the snack I REALLY wanted to eat.
The person assigned to wash my hair at the salon gives only a brief, gentle head massage.
Horrible pigmentation patches on face but can not use expensive cream prescribed by Harley Street dermatologist because I am breast feeding.
People who pronounce Moet champagne Mo-ay instead of Mo-et.
Nature Baby selling out of their lambskin baby booties because they are "waiting for some more lambs to die of natural causes". Of course, no other booties are as good, so I too must wait.
Life in the First World is just so damn hard, isn't it?
1) Studying for exams that will get me into an excellent university which I can't wait to go to, to do a course I will love which will hopefully take me where I want to go in life. These exams are in subjects I chose to take. I hate exams, revision, how stressed it makes me and any form of activity that doesn't involve a) reading until i fall asleep on an open book or b) drooling over fashion blogs/magazines/actual items of clothing.
2) Not turning 18 until the end of the summer. This defeats the point of having a wonderful, free summer where I can go out and get legally drunk as much as I like. All of my friends will be doing this every night while I sit at home, alone, counting the minutes until my birthday at the end of August.
3) Lack of a decent job that pays above the minimum wage.
4) Subsequent lack of funds to a) buy ridiculous amounts of fashion items and b) go and get drunk many times.
5) My lack of restrain when it comes to ice cream, percy pigs or any food my mum cooks.
6) There is now not any more wardrobe space for me to hang dresses. I do not like to wear any dress out more than once a year, which is causing some storage issues.
7) Not yet having the new iphone. I should have it soon, but it's not in my hand right this second.
8) My finger is itchy where I put micropore on it to stop myself chewing it until it bleeds and becoming incapable of writing the many pages that are required for said exams.
9) Living the closest out of anyone, ever, to the local cheap pub (but not so close it's noisy. Scoreee) but being unable to go - being thrown out, in fact - when i try to go in. Having to then walk past all my friends sitting in the pub garden when I walk home. I can feel their sugar-coated sympathetic stares boring into my back. It's alright for them, they're 18 dammit.
This was indeed highly therapeutic. I feel slightly better about everything. Oh, and:
10) I must now put sheets on the bed i want to sleep in. I may be too lazy to do this and will therefore sleep on a bare mattress with an uncovered duvet. The sticky-out feathers will poke me, but I am too slovenly to care.
Thank you for this much needed opportunity to air my woes!
1. That fancy gin that's supposed to taste like cucumbers DOESN'T at all, but it still costs half a week's allowance.
2. Really. Why would anyone want make gin that tastes like cucumbers?
1. The inconvenience of having to travel from our house in the country to our swankpad in the middle of town. Darling! Packing! Ghastly.
2. No Waitrose in Canada.
3. Impossibility of finding decent free-range organic meat (for e.g. $45 chickens called Bessy) in every supermarket in town
4. Not being able to fly first class all the time
5. Not being able to justify a second car, probably because I don't need one
6. Nothing decent on telly, as am in Canada. (Ditto decent clothes/shoes etc)
7. Living in Canada, which means having nothing to spend money on as nothing interesting or pretty to buy
8. Being married to a man who doesn't know what rubber floors are and who thinks paying for haircuts is a waste of money
9. No M&S Foodhalls in Canada
10. Being paid preposterous amounts of money to do nothing more than talk to people and phone them up
11. Being enormously fat but too greedy and too fond of cooking to stop it, or indeed to walk to the gym which, at just under a mile away, is "too far to walk to".
Oh, Foxymoron, Mo-ay! What the f--- is up with that? My inside self sneers at those people, though I try to wear a thin veneer of politeness.
I'm so tired of taking the Eurostar to Belgium.
Oh, what a brilliant idea!
1. I am hot but I can't take my cardie off thanks to an unfortunate sunburn incident. Sat out for a bit yesterday and thought 'oops, I've gone a tiny bit pink' but didn't think anything of it - by last night I was radiating heat like a radiating thing (a radiator, then...) and my forearms and neck were bright red. They are still bright red, I'm stuck in a cardie, and the weather's meant to be getting warmer by the day.
2. I don't have enough dresses that are long enough to wear without tights.
3. I really, really need to lose weight and tone up because I feel monstrously fat and this will not do. But I cannot find the willpower.
My local supermarket does not stock semonlina flour and I need it for my home-made pasta. Woe. Seriously.
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