Time for a bit of communal, therapeutic first world whining. I'll do one of these a week for the next three weeks. I'm keen to reach 99 first world problems and I'd like you to supply your own in the comments which I hereby decree to be a SAFE PLACE for whining of all kinds. You may whine about not having enough space in your bespoke walk in wardrobe for all your Nicholas Kirkwood shoes if you wish, or about the difficulty of landing your private plane at Cap Ferrat, or how sharp your miniature Shetland pony's hooves are when he brings you macaroons and jumps onto your lap for strokes. We will not judge you.
Here are mine:
1. Itchy eyes.
2. Do not own a tiger.
3. The problems of grass, growing and cutting thereof. The fear of the tondeuse. The growing opprobrium of the neighbours. The pain and lacerations caused when trying to deal with grass. The stringy bit disappearing into the strimmer and refusing to be coaxed back out.
4. Pervasive envy.
5. Dogsitter moving to Florida to open a dog hotel.
7. Embarassing email, once sent, cannot be unsent.
8. Radio silence on pitch leading to despair. WAIL. WHY DID YOU NOT LIKE MY PROPOSAL? I do lots of pitches and nothing comes of them, but I thought this one was dynamite. So dynamite I wasn't even sure I should write it. CANNOT ACCEPT. Wail again. Check sent messages again. Maybe I should just write it anyway and keep it in a special box for brooding over in my (fast approaching) dotage.
9. Heat rash. It's not even warm.
10. No Tom Ford lipstick in Belgium.
11. Too fat for 80% of wardrobe.
12. The impossibility of avoiding the Sales in the mind of the impoverished.
13. Insistence of house on getting dirty.
14. Do not own a pony.
15. Brooding over craptastic half-arsed affairs.
16. Itchy feet. Literal, not figurative.
17. Getting too warm to keep butter out of the fridge. Do not like fridge cold butter.
18. Career apocalypse.
19. Can't go to Couleur Café. Absence of proximate, obliging grandparents for this kind of thing. No scope for overnight babysitting at all. Envy of CFO's accesss to his available and obliging parents.
20. Cat's arse wrinkles around mouth in the manner of Dot Cotton.
21. Noone to watch football with. Children bemused/indifferent. Too shy to go to bar on my own.
22. Really need a car. Cannot afford a car. Cannot bear to maintain a car.
23. Dog standing by my side reproachfully every time I eat something like a disappointed Weightwatchers leader.
24. Tapeworm (NOT A REAL TAPEWORM) has died, leaving me with a dead weight of accumulated bread products around my midriff.
25. Lust for expensive microdermabrasion with a diamond wand following discussions with Brain Twin.
26. Curtains. Fingers needs them as his are so transparent as to be entirely pointless. Cannot get to the yellow and blue death star: Consequence: Fingers in my bed, with his fingers in my eyes and both of us grinding our teeth in unison.
27. Headache, settling around eyeballs.
28. Shame of hearing brattish seventeen year old boy next door describe my house as "glauque" (squalid). A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD BOY THINKS MY HOUSE IS SQUALID. Ô, the shame.
29. Complexity of trying to avoid taxi driving stalker.
30. Grooming related ennui: nails need repainting, fake tan needs maintaining, trial moisturiser needs using, I need fumigating, frankly, after all this garden sordidness. Pffffff.
31. Have discovered the source of mysterious Green Nail Disease. It is avocados (or their skins), which mysteriously dye my nails and nail beds green when I peel them. Avocados are one of the only healthy things I ever eat and they are rejecting me. Woe.
32. Not getting enough writing done with two blogs to feed and squalor to (fail to) keep under control and neighbours to placate. Not disciplined enough to shut myself away and do something about it.
33. Desperate for a massage. No chance.
Ok. Ready steady whine!