Thursday, 13 May 2010


Even though I got my head tickled by a sealion's fishy whiskers today - and a Flemish sealion show takes some beating on a rainy Bank Holiday - I was not satisfied. I decided to talk it through with M.

E: So, yeah. I need an eagle. I saw some today, and they look the business. Big, flappy, cross as hell, screechy.

M: Hmmm. Surely an owl in a box is better?

E: Nope. I want an eagle now. I don't care about the details. Just something with fucking huge wings and claws that I could walk around town with. Noone would give me any shit if I had an eagle on my wrist. I could take on the tram with me! I bet I'd get a seat. Also, if Oscar was being a dick, it could just silently pick him up in its vast yellow claws, flap off and drop him somewhere in the Ardennes. Ditto the children. "Soyez sage ou j'appèle l'aigle".

M: You need to ask Santa.

"Dear Santa Claus

I know Xmas is far away. But I have been a good girl and I would like an eagle".

E: Yes. "I would like one with large wrinkly yellow feet, very long talons, a curved beak, dirty yellow eyes and the wingspan of a double decker bus. Thanks Santa".

M: I bet Dr Mystery would lend you his eagle before you make your final eagle purchase.

E: Good idea! Try before you buy. I totally want a loan. Do you think he'll lend me the bollock necklace too?

M: Probably. Do you think John Lewis would price match an eagle?

E: Huh. Good question. Well, there is no "does not include eagles" in their price promise, is there? So YES. "Never knowingly undersold"* (*except birds of prey)

M: Ha. I absolutely completely entirely double dare you to do it. Go into John Lewis and ask for a price match on an eagle. If you don't do it you are a PUSSY. You could bring a photo of it in and show them. DO IT. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY

E: Stop calling me a pussy! I didn't say I wouldn't do it.

M: I happen to know you will be in the vicinity of a John Lewis next week. If they refuse you should say "Fine. How about a falcon? Do you have any falcons? I'm not after the latest model. Just something with a decent wingspan. Say maybe 100, 150 cm". You could work through the whole bird chain.

E: Down to, what? London pigeon? "I need a pigeon. I want one of the standard two front facing feet models, not one of those new twisty razr pigeons".

M: "Is it bluetooth? I hear the wood pigeons are less noisy than other models. Do you have one in stock? What's your lead time for delivery?"

E: We are idiots.


Em said...

I could get you a decent sparrow for a small amount of cash - or biscuits. I think an eagle would eat the weepette.

Jaywalker said...

Hmm. Define "decent", Em. I need menace. And claws. Did I say eating of household pets was a problem? No. Tsk.


"Be good or I'll call the eagle" - that's my kind of parenting! You know (presumably, being a closet bird-lover) that there is such a thing as an Eagle Owl? Could be the best of both worlds.

Em said...

Decent = brown, round and quick (in this case, bigger is not better). Street-smart with a credible cockney/hip-hop accent. Could also sit on weeptette's head.

Actually for all that I'll need more cash. Unmarked bills.

shooz said...

oh fuck. I invited you to the studio didn't I? Where we have stuffed scary seagulls.

You can't have them. OK?

Jaywalker said...

Mmmmm Shooz. Seagulls. Gimme. You know I have previous at resisting the theft of taxidermied birds, you'll be fine.

katyboo1 said...

Ha ha! Awesome. I once went on a course where to get over your nerves at rejection and/or humiliation you had to go into shops and do stuff like that. I know a guy who went into MFI and asked for anusol. I went into Dixons and asked if they had any fennel seeds. The best thing was, they went back to the store room to check. You have to do this. It will be good for your soul.

Jaywalker said...

Em - Hang on, are you a sparrow pimp? This is all going horrifyingly wrong. I need a lie down.

Em said...

Mmm, 'pimp' is a bit harsh. Just giving the people what they want. For money.

Lisa-Marie said...

There are lots of eagles near where I live. I think you should come and steal one, no-one would notice. you could get a black and white one, and wear matching black and white ensembles.

Deborah said...

So you're the ones nicking my seagulls! But (you scare me), y-y-y-you take them... here.

the polish chick said...

would a bald eagle do? we have shitloads flying around all over the place. however, there is a caveat: they do not screech, they do not roar, what they do is..peep. it is totally disturbing to see one of these gigantic majestic monsters making lazy circles over your head sounding like a goddamn chickadee. but i'm willing to send you one, C.O.D.

Laurel said...

Ah HA! I know EXACTLY what you need. Check it:

Formerly called the Monkey-Eating Eagle, because:

"[It] is among the tallest, rarest, largest, and most powerful birds in the world... There have been reports of eagles capturing young pigs and small dogs. It is estimated that the flying lemur could make up 90% of the raptor's diet in some locations."

The only trouble is that the accepted smuggling technique for illegally extraditing animals always seems to end up with hiding the animal in your pants, and I really don't know if you'd want one of these in your pants.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE your blog. It cheers me every day. Thank you.


Margaret said...

I will be carrying the phrase "monkey-eating eagle in your pants" in my heart forever.

Jaywalker said...

What the fuck, Em. I want something massive and scary to do the talking for me. A sparrow is not going to cut it, even an expertly pimped one. Now SHOO.

Katyboo, I am horrified beyond words. BEYOND. WORDS.

Laurel and Margaret - that is EXACTLY what I want. A monkey eating eagle in my pants.

Hope said...

if you could track this eagle down it may serve your purposes perfectly:

frau antje said...

Big, flappy, cross as hell, screechy. That sounds so familiar. Don't write off a pigeon, they'll stare anyone down with a self-entitled fuck off look (native), but an eagle...that's, as they say, a rocket trip to the void. Though perhaps involving a bit of unpleasantness, and yet you claim to want one anyway.

Robert Hudson said...

I've got an eagle you can borrow (brown with white under wings; wingspan definitely all you can cope with at this stage; glance as painful as heartbreak). The best thing about eagles is they only need to eat once a month and if they stop swimming they die.

puncturedbicycle said...

Collecting his puppy from the breeder in deepest darkest Pennsylvania, my friend enquired about the elaborately fortified outdoor dog accommodation. Apparently puppies had been lost to birds of prey. Eek.

Johnners said...

Have you considered a turkey? They have very scary eyes, make weird noises, flap about and make themselves bigger somehow when annoyed. There is also the advantage that you can eat them if they tick you off. Perfect.

WV = sauggy

Madame DeFarge said...

Don't you prefer a little budgie? At least it would help you smell gas too.

Queen of the Reptilians said...

Type O Negative Blood Hints at Prince Charles as Descendant of Reptilians!

Snorting at this in library doing some haematology "research".

Mine said...

Sorry I don't have time to link this comment in to your Speculoos post of some time ago... but David Leibovits absolutely loves the spready paste thing!

Jaywalker said...

Lend me your goddam eagle, Hudson. I hope it's the fox eating kind.

The rest of you what HAVE you been doing in my absence? Royal lizard blood? Speculoos spread? Tsk.

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