E: So, yeah. I need an eagle. I saw some today, and they look the business. Big, flappy, cross as hell, screechy.
M: Hmmm. Surely an owl in a box is better?
E: Nope. I want an eagle now. I don't care about the details. Just something with fucking huge wings and claws that I could walk around town with. Noone would give me any shit if I had an eagle on my wrist. I could take on the tram with me! I bet I'd get a seat. Also, if Oscar was being a dick, it could just silently pick him up in its vast yellow claws, flap off and drop him somewhere in the Ardennes. Ditto the children. "Soyez sage ou j'appèle l'aigle".
M: You need to ask Santa.
"Dear Santa Claus
I know Xmas is far away. But I have been a good girl and I would like an eagle".
E: Yes. "I would like one with large wrinkly yellow feet, very long talons, a curved beak, dirty yellow eyes and the wingspan of a double decker bus. Thanks Santa".
M: I bet Dr Mystery would lend you his eagle before you make your final eagle purchase.
E: Good idea! Try before you buy. I totally want a loan. Do you think he'll lend me the bollock necklace too?
M: Probably. Do you think John Lewis would price match an eagle?
E: Huh. Good question. Well, there is no "does not include eagles" in their price promise, is there? So YES. "Never knowingly undersold"* (*except birds of prey)
M: Ha. I absolutely completely entirely double dare you to do it. Go into John Lewis and ask for a price match on an eagle. If you don't do it you are a PUSSY. You could bring a photo of it in and show them. DO IT. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY
E: Stop calling me a pussy! I didn't say I wouldn't do it.
M: I happen to know you will be in the vicinity of a John Lewis next week. If they refuse you should say "Fine. How about a falcon? Do you have any falcons? I'm not after the latest model. Just something with a decent wingspan. Say maybe 100, 150 cm". You could work through the whole bird chain.
E: Down to, what? London pigeon? "I need a pigeon. I want one of the standard two front facing feet models, not one of those new twisty razr pigeons".
M: "Is it bluetooth? I hear the wood pigeons are less noisy than other models. Do you have one in stock? What's your lead time for delivery?"
E: We are idiots.