Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Belgiana - Episode 2

I know you've been dying to know what's been happening in Europe's crappest political soap opera. Well you need wait no longer. Here is BELGIANA, PT II.

Previously on Belgiana:

Open VLD, the party that sounds like heart surgery, sulked the government out of existence for the 412th time this century over an electoral constituency the size of Neasden. Head Potato Monsieur Leterme attempted to resign for the third time. Vlaams Belang sang a jolly song. The King was shockingly forced to return from holiday.

We need some theme music really. Here, this will do. Though Belgo-politico-purist wonks will prefer this.

King Albert appoints temporary crisis Potato Monsieur Reynders to sort everything out. Confidence levels hover around erm, the Dead Sea. The temporary crisis potato gives up after about 24 hours attempting to reason with everyone and failing.

(M. Reynders being shunned by all sides in a remarkable show of cross-party unity)

The king reluctantly accepts M. Leterme's resignation. It's au revoir, not adieu M. Leterme. On past history, we can assume you will be Prime Minister again within 6 months, older, more tuber-like, and distinctly not wiser.

We all wonder what will happen next, while not really caring. The papers focus almost exclusively on how rubbish the King's mobile phone is.

However! SECRETLY, the king decides that the only way to decide who should rule Belgium, following various unfortunate incidents involving wildly inaccurate televised maps (upside-down? Giving Wallonia a coastline?), is to get everyone to DRAW it. His initial attempt to select a candidate on the basis of who sang the national anthem best failed as, out of five candidates, 1 sang La Marseillaise, 3 ça plane pour moi, and 1 Jacques Brel's Knokke La Zoute Tango.

First redesign of the kingdom comes from the Flemish moderates.

("Red = ours, yellow = yours. End of".)

The Francophones get a go too.

("Red = yours, yellow = ours. But, um, we'll swap you Charleroi for Knokke if you want")

Vlaams Belang go a bit mental, but get points for mad lion drawing skillz.

In despair, the King establishes a committee for redesigning the political frontiers of Belgiana. The committee, after long deliberation, comes up with this:

The King asks the political classes what to do about BHV, using the medium of black marker pen.

1. Phlegms:

(It's ours, bitchez)

2: Loons:

(Enfin, c'est une évidence. Le BHV se trouve dans la rue de Rivoli, Paris 1er. DONC C'EST FRANCOPHONE, BANDE DE NAINS).

3. Vlaams Belang:

(The lion is hungry. NOM).

4. Committee:

BHV to be sold to the Ariane European space programme and fired onto one of the seven moons of Saturn for research purposes.

Despair and chaos reigns once more.

What will happen next? Are we heading inexorably towards an election? Does anyone care? Should we eat the political class of potatoes with mayonnaise, or sauce americaine?


Em said...

Even though I didn't really understand one word of that I nodded my head sagely up and down and thoughtfully stroked my chin. Perhaps it's best I don't move to Belgium just yet. Although you have lovely vegetables. And I'm very fond of your Queen Fab.

Anonymous said...

Yes, that's it, here's the genious solution!!! Let's send BHV into space!!!

Madame DeFarge said...

Wow. Makes Gordo look positively boring by comparison.

GingerB said...

Yes, eat the rich. Er, I mean, eat the taters.

Betty M said...

Ahh for some Belgian problems over bigotgate any day.

Anonymous said...

Dear Waffle,

Until you began to explain, I would never ever have dreamed that I would find myself transfixed with fascination by Belgian politics!

AnonyGay said...

La Belgique n'est pas un pipe! Erm....


Alison Cross said...

I really think that you should get a job at the BBC as Political Correspondent. You'll make issues SO much easier to understand ;-)

Good luck trying to find a suitable vegetable for Gordy B.

Ali xxx

frau antje said...

Chaos does seem to reign, though we don't need an animatronic fox to tell us so. I've been instructed to chill out, as the respective royalty everywhere will take care of things (and apparently this is true). May bury my head in the sand, and order throw pillows made of the proposed territorial limits of the Phlegms and Loons by that woman who did the aliens. Or just kill one of many assorted neighbors, whose collective ability to drive me nuts seems to be reaching some harmonic pre-holiday level. Manslaughter, two years, it's more than worth it.

Marion said...

Your masterful "Bande de nains" just about did me in.

*goes back to her lair and resumes lurking*

London City Mum said...


Am with Alison on this: roll over BBC and give Waffle her own prime time TV political slot. Might actually make the young want to vote this time round.

Either that or give valid alternative to the current furore surrounding GB and accusations of bigotry.


Anonymous said...

Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous. Thank you.

the fly in the web said...

Alison Cross is right. We should start a campaign to make the BBC appoint you as political correspondent....a quick explanation of the vegetables and everyone is on board.
My Belgin family have just been introduced to your explanation....they think you are Vlaams Belang - or whatever it's called - as the lion is done so well.

Margaret said...

I think the Economist should give you a column. The end-of-section page would be perfect, give you enough space for illustrations, photos, etc.

Jaywalker said...

Thanks Fly in the Web. I have to admit I am VERY proud of my lion. Also, since last time I did one of these I was accused of being "brainwashed by RTBF" and now I might be in Vlaams Belang, I am proud to be alienating the whole belgo-political spectrum! Haute cinq/hoog funf!

mountainear said...

Yes, explain UK politics for me please with the contents of your veg box. I'm sure there's not actually that much to explain but the introduction of a few vegetables will make the next week a lot more interesting.

Lisa-Marie said...

Laughing at this made my tummy hurt, and then I realised that the actually situation is nothing to laugh at.

Belgium seems in quite a bad state, what with the politics and the stuff going on with the church.

Johnners said...

Loved the lion, it was just perfect! Bit sad that there was no playmobil this time though, I obviously need the visual aids to understand the point of royalty.

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