Here is Mr Leterme, our most recent Prime Minister. You must understand that there are only 4 people allowed to be Prime Minister in Belgium, which explains why the spectacularly unprepossessing Mr Leterme is on his 86th term of office, despite:
1. Forgetting the national anthem and singing La Marseillaise instead.
2. Calling French Belgians stupid.
3. Behaving in an exceptionally dodgy fashion over the break up of (useless Belgian bank) Fortis, including attempts to influence the judge presiding over the case. And then pretending he hadn't in the manner of an unconvincing 2 year old who hasn't learnt to lie yet.
4. Generally being a bit of a useless dickhead.
Mr Leterme has been heading yet another craptastic coalition of disgruntled lame-ass centrist parties. Here it is:
We are all for variety in the magical kingdom of Belgiana, so we like to have 2 or 3 of these interchangeable groups of centrists forming what they laughably describe as a 'government' a year. The current one has just broken, due to Open VLD, which is a spectacularly dull name for a political party and sounds like an unpleasant medical procedure.
Here are Open VLD. They are puny:
They are cross that the "BHV Question" hasn't been resolved. Dudes. BHV will NEVER be resolved unless BHV is razed and replaced with a second Atomium, or possibly a giant totem to the folly of humankind, made of speculoos.
This is BHV:
It is a tiny parcel of boringness on the outskirts of Brussels which has created constitutional and administrative chaos for years because of linguistic and voting boundaries and zzzzzz I just fell asleep trying to focus on it. I am overcome with ennui. Imagine, Britons, that the government were to fall into bitter infighting and chaos about what language to speak in Neasden. That's the BHV Question. If it were up to me, I'd make them all speak Latin.
Here come the rabid Flemish Nationalists, Vlaams (spelling corrected at behest of irate commenter) Belang. They have come to further disrupt the government by bursting into parliament to unfurl a flag and SING. Whooo, scary! Given this is their preferred model for protest, you can see why Belgium hasn't ended up like Ulster. This is a Good Thing. Apart from the singing. That isn't a Good Thing at all.
While all this farce continues, King Albert:
who must be thoroughly pissed off with the whole business, deliberates on whether to accept Leterme's resignation, knowing with a heavy heart that he will inevitably be replaced with either Jean-Luc Dehaene or Guy Verhofstadt, Herman Van Rompuy being busy ruling Europe with a rod of, er, endive. All possible Prime Ministers look like this:
Who else could form a government?
(I sat at this point and tried to think of a model of Belgian efficiency and dynamism who could take over the reins of power. It was not fruitful)
1. Maybe some of those female Belgian tennis players.
2. Côte d'Or? No. They are owned by Kraft. Kraft is already trying to mess with my chocolate, I don't need it running my life.
3. Perhaps a return to absolute monarchy? We could get Albert II to wear a curly wig and knee breeches and reinstate feudalism.
4. Dinosaurs. I think on reflection this is probably the best option. I will go back to bed and await further instructions from my lizard overlords.
*Warning: explanation may contain manifold inaccuracies and lies.