Not content with my various not-for-profit type activities, I found myself thinking today about another online venture I would like to launch.
It would be called www.unscrupulousprofessionals.com
Unscrupulous Professionals would allow you to access the most venal, pragmatic and unethical members of a given profession for your own ends. I was thinking about it because I feel like I ought to go to the dentist but I don't want to. The reason I don't want to is because the dentist is morally obliged to tut and complain and tell you you don't floss enough and generally fill you with SHAME for your dirty teeth to such a degree that you leave in a puddle of humiliation. I feel that in this day and age, I ought to be able to access another kind of dentistry.
I want my unscrupulous dentist to conduct all procedures - including check up and scrape and polish - under twilight anasthaesia. I want him or her to drop the floss-related nagging and general disapproval, and give me opiates for tooth whitening. In fact, forget about the opiates, put me into a medically induced coma for a week for tooth whitening. It stings. Ideally I want my unscrupulous dentist to come from a culture where potentially shaming topics are dealt with by total avoidance. Ideally they might offer me a mask to wear while they work and they would make no eye contact.
I thought this principle could well be extended to other professions. For instance, I want my bank to stop attempting to provide me with any information regarding my financial status. Instead they should allow me to spend and spend and spend without demurring until they finally come round, and very discreetly and apologetically take away all my possessions. As a matter of extreme urgency, they should also address the issue of allowing my account balance to be displayed on screen when I use cash machines. This is not a good thing and must be stopped.
I want a doctor who will say that having a jaw lift is in fact a medical necessity and will write me a sick note for 4, no maybe 6 is safer, weeks recovery. He will also understand that generalised anxiety is a debilitating condition to be treated with an infinitely renewable prescription for Xanax, and a forest of sick notes.
More generally I want all medical professionals on unscrupulousprofessionals.com to forget about the nonsense of informed consent. I don't want to hear that there is a 30% chance of total paralysis when you treat my ingrowing toenail. What I want to hear is that my open heart surgery will be like a gentle roll in the spring grass, that it will not sting more than the claws of a baby kitten, and that I will rise from the operating table miraculously cured, 20 cms taller and with a nicer nose.
I also want retail outlets to provide camouflage packaging to disguise frivolous non-essential purchases as essentials such as food, loo roll and the like.
I am sure you can think of others. Go on. I have 800 biscuits still to make, you're going to have to make your own entertainment tonight again.