Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Monday miscellany and test

1. I can hear the rhythmic clinking of a Gogo in both the washing machine and the dryer in tandem. The children are here. I have dozed through half of Fantastic Mr Fox with one tucked under each arm and then sent them to bed. Fingers spent some time reverently admiring the 'present' he requested from London - a box of Lucky Charms - taking out the nuclear marshmallow pieces and debating with his brother how exactly they will use their magical powers. I like it that they call the balloon shaped one "La Mongolfière". It makes Lucky Charms sound elegant.

If you could have a garish marshmallow charm all of your own design, what magical power would it give you?

2. I receive a gloating email from an internet person that reads "Simmer with jealousy, I have finger puppets of the ten plagues of Passover. One of them is a dead baby. Louse is masturbating". She posts pictures of them. I am consumed with envy.

Who or what would you like to see immortalised in a finger puppet and why?

3. I am asked, like a latter day Emily Post, to give advice on the best way to thank someone for the gift of a sausage without turning into Kenneth Williams. I fail.

I will take your best answers to this. Assume for these purposes that there is significant unresolved sexual tension between sausage giver and recipient but that it cannot be acted upon because there are Other Parties.

4. Pictures of the Underground Farmer's Market on Sunday including me channeling elderly lady romance novelist again. The German lady sitting next to me was ferociously hard selling. Every time I would sell an evil fridge magnet she would fix the purchaser with a basilisk glare and say "Und now you have bought something nasty, you must buy something sweet", thrusting a large chocolate covered nougat pascal lamb at them. She was actually very nice, just keen not to go home with 60 giant and slightly menacing easter confectionery effigies.

If you were to attend an alternative market, what would you sell? I will not accept anything involving cupcakes, jute, or hemp. Complete the phrase:
" ....... is the new cupcake"
and win the special waffle medal of valour.

I will add my own answers in the comments I think, once I have had more than three hours of sleep at a stretch. As it is, I am seconds away from falling asleep in an interesting combination of Anglomania dress, tracksuit bottoms and hoodie. Only the howling wind and my unbrushed teeth stand between me and these new sartorial depths.


Lucy Fishwife said...

1) Unpromisingly bean-shaped, but bestowing on the lucky finder the ability to keep a vat of St*rb*cks coffee piping hot to the bottom of the soggy cup.

2)The cast of Titus Andronicus, with removable hands and tongue for the unfortunate torturee.

3) "My dearest X, what can I say? It will remind me always of those tender moments we shared. Alone, or alas with Y, I now have but to hold it in my hands to resurrect your much-missed presence. One small boon I know you will not hesitate to grant me - perhaps a couple of Danish meatballs to complete my happy mental image of you? Ever yours, Z."

4) Meticulously-reconstructed Nazi regalia.

justarabbit said...

1. Ability to eat as many lucky charms as I like without getting fat would be my personal favorite.

4. Caramel popcorn balls are the new cupcake. Especially when rolled in something appropriately hairy, like coconut, chocolate shavings or licorice whips.

Unknown said...

LOL. coughs. Sorry, she can be quite...erm...forceful. Sorry we didn't get to chat more...But thanks so much for coming. Love your work.

the polish chick said...

headcheese is the new cupcake. i thought i'd already made that clear. jeez. nobody listens.

brush your teeth. before bedtime, it is essential. in the morning? meh. if i have an stay at home day, i have been known to "forget." do NOT tell my coworkers this, i believe i would be excommunicated. (after lunch, they brush and floss while i pop in a stick of sugarfree gum. fuck, how many times can a person be expected to brush? it is DULL! and i have better things to do. like spider solitaire. and another glass of wine)

Artichoke Queen said...

Have you children had Lucky Charms before? If not, just wait until they discover that they turn one's poo blue. You will be forced to become a Lucky Charms mule. (They are totally worth the blue poo, in my opinion.)

Alison Cross said...

Lucky Charm: Something that makes my mother agree with everything I say.

Thing to sell at underground market:

Air instruments - air guitars, air keyboards, air drums etc. Easy-peasy to pack into a rucksack for transporting from Market A to Market B....but a bugger to display well.

I am too stunned at the weather to write more: I am currently looking out the window at waffle-sized snow-flakes swirling around in high winds. It's supposed to be SPRING, weather gods, SPRING!!!


frau antje said...

1. The power to be immediately engulfed in my own Gwyneth-like clutter free environment. One assumes it is also very clean, and that Gwyneth has precious little with either of these states coming into being, surely she uses magic cereal to accomplish this.

2. Any and all of the kooks responsible for the development of human freedom and a sane view of the universe and its history. Why? Because 99.999 per cent of the planet has NO clue, no matter which lucky charms they use for their particular religious symbols.

3. Es ist mir Wurst.

4. Alchemical trick puppet theatres and wooden puzzles of geological strata.

Property is the new cupcake. You think you want it, but it just makes you feel like crap. No wait, it's the old cupcake.

Just give me a "D" please, I want to get out of here, and not have to take this class again. And for god's sake don't tell Big Daddy, I have been cowering ever since his razor-sharp assessment of you being a lawyer, and not a farmer.

Ivywindow said...

1. The temporary power of telekinesis. It would allow me to stack and unload the dishwasher with my eyes alone. And possibly move the lawn and do other chores.

2. The first answer to come to me was the periodic table, so that you could take photos of people sporting them in correct order. I don't know why either.

3. Can one not just say "thank you for the comestibles. They will be relished"? Or does even that go too far?

4. It is a bit convoluted, but "Mr potato head voodoo doll kits are the new cupcake". Take a spud, a real spud, and supply with a kit with facial features in component form, and a few hat pins or the like. Customer would make effigies with the kits and work out their anger on the potato voodoo doll. Once the anger is spent the customer also has the ability to chit and plant the voodoo spud, and can then further torture the voodoo spud's offspring by making chips or mash or some other food stuff from them. It may need working on as an idea however.

Lisa-Marie said...

1. mine would be a tiny me shape, and it would make a new me to do all the things i have to do, so that I could watch telly and eat cake all day, every day.

2. The people from the Gilmore Girls. I love it, and i could make my own new warped Gilmore Girls episodes. Infact I might.

3. What if is the sausage is a metaphor, and the man actually wants to give her his? she could save something that could be suggestive, and keep him as a safety pull.

4. At the moment, people sized snow covers would be effective. I think that's what I would sell at the farmers market, and I bet most Scottish people would buy them.

Additional note - the snow is just taking the piss now. Fuck off snow!

Waffle said...

Pay attention Lisa-Marie - OF COURSE the sausage is rich with symbolism and significance. There is no innocent sausage.

Ivywindow - I think you should rush this into production, or someone else will. You could just sell the kit, purchasers to provide own potato.

I have been working on my answers.

1. A tiny hoover marshmallow that enables you to have the house remotely cleaned by space pixies.

2. The Large Hadron Collider, in honour of today's shenanigans at CERN.

3. If I could have answered this, I would have. Pass.

4. Scotch eggs, probably.

Lisa-Marie said...

I want a Scotch Egg now. Fortunately I'm in Scotland, where they are plentiful.

Anonymous said...

1. The power to shed fat by sheer will alone.

2. Newt Gingrich, because he's a bastard.

3. Simply say "Thank you for the lovely gift of your wiener! Unfortunately I found the taste to be a bit sour." With a sly grin, of course.

4. The pickled egg is the new cupcake!


Sausage recipient said...

Thank you for calling on the wisdom of the internets to resolve my dilemma, but I couldn't possibly bring wieners into the mix at this delicate stage. We'd probably both just combust in a cloud of overwrought euphemism.

I might have to draw the line at relish too, but that might be because in the sausage context it makes me think of Gentleman's Relish, which is not somewhere this relationship should be heading...

Denise said...

Cheese is the new cupcake....I sold all of mine in three quarters of an hour!! I think I might take inspiration from handyface and devote my airing cupboard to Halloumi!!!!

StroopWaffle said...

Clearly the lucky charm should slow time to allow me to read all I want online and get some work done, it will be shaped like one of the keys on my computer and taste like cooling coffee

The finger puppets should be the EU Commissioners so you can enlist friendly and multi-ethnic fingers to join you in endless pedantry. Perhaps should come with instructions on tax harmonisation for fun?

Sausage dilemma more tricky, sometime a sausage is just a cigar

Butter sculpture is surely the new cup cake...I'd love some that melts rude messages into your toast

Ms. Scotch said...

1) Very very tiny sunglasses shape (incredibly hard to pick out of the box), but once found it removes the haggard-alcohol soaked-unimpressed expression that is my countenance and replaces it with something moderately pleasant.

3) X, I thought your sausage was delicious. I just couldn't get enough of it in my mouth! Please, don't hesitate to give me another one of your sausages again...

4) A yardstick collection pinched from an old mans garden shed...

Peanut butter balls (dipped in extremely dark chocolate) are the new cupcakes!

Jane said...

1. The speedy riposte charm that enables me to make a pithy, cutting reply while actually still in conversation with the person who has just offended me, rather than later on, in the bath.

2. My ex-boss. Then I could stick all sorts of large kitchen implements inside him (without risk of law suit.)

3. Thank you so much for your gift. Sadly, as a newly converted Muslim, I'm not allowed pork unless I'm feeling very naughty.

4. Boss finger puppets with kitchen implement inserted, all making the kind of face you make for doing a big poo.

Jane said...

Where have all the comments gone?

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