Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Kiss and Ride, Spring Edition

Pitifully starved of romance, my head has been turned once again by the siren song of Kiss & Ride, the forum where semi-literate Belgian commuters post their haiku form pleas for love into the ether, and where the ether responds with non-sequiturs about how many carriages there are on the 7h28 from Luik to Charleroi. It rarely disappoints. Although the Swiffer remains unrivalled as a totem of Belgo-romance, we have a strong performance this week from a folding bicycle. As always, I have kept the originals with all their myriad spelling errors for extra authenticity.

"You ate a banana.."

I'm imagining a particularly lubricious orange eating incident here. Note that there are NO details of appearance, not even gender. For all we know, the intended addressee could have been a poodle.

Je me suis réveillé dans le train ce matin, entre Braine-Laleux et Bruxelles midi (train à destination d'Anvers) et tu me regardais, m'a-t-il semblé. Sur le temps que j'émerge, tu as mangé une banane, un biscuit et une orange. Ton sourire m'a fait plaisir et ses regards qui se cherchent et s'évitent m'ont rendu muet. Je doute que tu lises ce message, la probabilité est grande que tu sois néerlandophone. Mais qui ne tente rien n'a rien. (Nicolas)

I woke up in the train this morning, between Braine-Laleux (ed's note: I suspect this should be Braine l'Alleud. But the shit spelling is of course part of the fun) and Bruxelles Midi, and it seemed like you were looking at me. While I was waking up, you ate a banana, a biscuit and an orange. Your smile made me happy, and these glances that meet, then slide away from each other leave me speechless. I doubt you'll read this message, because you're probably Flemish speaking, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Folding bicycle

Ok, I'm probably deluded, but I think this one could work, it's sweet and romantic. Come on bike lady!

A toi la jeune femme aux cheveux courts et noir, que je croise pratiquement tous les matins à Braine l'Alleud; et parfois même au hasard d'une rue de Bruxelles. Que tu sois accompagnée de ton vélo pliable, ou d'une connaissance, tes sourires magnifiques, ton regard si doux et nos bonjours timides sont des moteurs pour une bonne journée. Je suis à chaque rencontre sous le charme. Que ta journée sois belle

To you, the young woman with short black hair that I see practically ever morning in Braine l'Alleud, and sometimes even by chance in the streets of Brussels. Whether you are with your folding bike or with an acquaintance, your magnificent smiles, your gentle expression, our shy hellos make my day. Every time I meet you I am charmed, may your day be wonderful.

Ballet pumps in winter

Oh, the pathos. "You asked me the time, I don't have a watch". His whole arm is probably covered with time pieces now, just in case.

Je t'ai vu hier, dans le train en direction de Louvain-La-Neuve. O toi qui m'a envoutée de ton regard azur, mon cœur ne bat plus que pour te revoir. Je prend le train tout les jours pour te revoir, tu m'a déjà demandé l'heure, mais je n'ai pas de montre.Tu porte si bien tes petites ballerines mème en hiver. J'espère que tu viendra me parler la prochaine fois, toi cette jolie blonde a l'imper bleu. je porterais une écharpe rouge pour que tu me reconnaisse

I saw you yesterday in the train for Louvain La Neuve. Oh, you, who has put a spell on my with your azure gaze, my heart beats only to see you again. I take the train every day in the hope of seeing you again; you asked me the time but I don't have a watch. You wear your ballet pumps so well, even in winter. I hope you'll speak to me the next time, pretty blonde with the blue raincoat. I'll wear a red scarf so you recognise me.

Noisy Scouts

A bizarre Anderlecht supporter? The long stop at Rhode St Genese? It's poetry.

Peut-être penseras-tu à regarder "Kiss&Ride". Tu es, comme moi, monté à la Gare Centrale et descendu à BLA ce dimanche 28/02. Ns ns sommes souvent regardés et souris (les enfants scouts bruyants, le supporter d'anderlecht "bizarre", le long arrêt à Rhodes St Genèse). Tu avais un blouson en cuir, un jeans, des converses. Moi une veste & pantalon noir. Puis on s'est regardés s'éloigner sans s'échanger nos coordonnées...Il n'est p-e pas trop tard ? :)

Maybe you'll think of looking in Kiss & Ride. You, like me, got on at Central Station and off at BLA (Ed's note: Braine l'Alleud AGAIN! It's a hotbed of thwarted romance) this Sunday 28/02. We looked at each other and smiled (the noisy boy scouts (Ed's note: OH I HEAR YOU. Fucking scouts, everywhere, all day Sunday), the "bizarre" Anderlecht supporter, the long wait at Rhodes St Genèse (Ed's note: "The long wait at Rhode St Genèse" is a film title in waiting)). You were wearing a leather jacket, jeans, Converse. I had a black jacket and trousers. Then we watched as we walked away from each other without swapping details. Maybe it isn't too late?

Sagging muscles

I don't know about you, but I think this correspond tips over from 'amusing eccentricity' into 'completely mental' territory. "Flamme Intime" sounds like a cheap Ann Summers perfume.

Salut toi je te vois souvent soit sortir du train maastricht-visé, soit dans le thalys liège-paris... dès que je t'ai apercu, j'ai su que ma vie ne serait plus jamais pareille. Tu as ravivé ma flamme intime que je croyais éteinte á jamais. J'ai cru comprendre que tu te prenomais edgard, tes cheveux mi-longs et ton muscle avachi me laissent toute chose. Je veux te revoir et je t'attendrai chaque jour sur le quai de la gare.

Hello, you, I often see you getting out of the Maastricht-Visé train, or the Liège-Paris Thalys .. as soon as I saw you,n I knew my life would never be the same again. You have relit my intimate flame (Ed's note: no, this makes no sense in French either. It just sounds creepy) that I thought had gone out for ever. I understand your name is Edgar, your longish hair and slouching muscles leave me helpless. I want to see you again, and I'll wait for you on the station platform every day.

Prominent chin

Yup. I bet she'll love that description. She'll be falling over herself to get in touch. You do realise she's got a massive complex about that chin, don't you?

Tu prends tous les matins le 6h43 à Namur pour Bruxelles.. Ton petit nez en trompette; ton menton en galoche, tes longs cheveux blonds et le cliquetis de tes grandes boucles d'oreilles rondes me permettent de me réveiller en douceur tous les matins.. jusqu'à Luxembourg.. Merci à toi.. d'égayer mes jours..

You take the 6h43 from Namur to Brussels. Your little upturned nose and your prominent chin, your long blonde hair and the little clicking noises from your big round earrings help me wake up gently every morning... all the way to Luxembourg. Thank you for brightening my days.

Stalker seeks prey

Creepy as hell. What the hell difference does it make that you are as tall as each other? That does NOT MAKE IT OK

Mademoiselle, grande, au look asiatique, merci d'illuminer ma journée en empruntant le 529 de Verviers-Central à Liège-Guillemins. Vous dormez, ou feignez de dormir, je vous contemple (nous sommes aussi grands l'un que l'autre), et ne perds ps une miette de votre ligne qui me tente et réveille mes sens. Au plaisir de vous revoir demain et après.

Tall, asian looking lady, thank you for brightening my day by taking the 529 from Verviers-Central to Liège. You sleep, or pretend to sleep, and I watch you (we are as tall as each other), I don't miss the smallest detail of your figure which tempts me and awakes my senses. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow and thereafter.


c said...

I have been reading for a few months now, and always look forward to new posts. Today, flu-ridden, I particularly liked the sadness/happiness of your boy's birthday set alongside the bittersweet loneliness of the lonely hearts en-train.

Happy Frog and I said...

I totally agree with C, right down to being flu-ridden!

A large part of me hopes that none of them meet as the reality would never live up to the dream of the person they have conjured in their heads.

MissMtheBeekeeper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MissMtheBeekeeper said...

Emma, I beg you to go on - possibly the world's most fascinatingly bizarre website - and share your thoughts on what you find. I think I would break with laughter. Be warned, you will find multiple penises on display.

puncturedbicycle said...

These are quite poetic and romantic - even the creepy ones - and not as, er, businesslike as the UK version, most of which seem to revolve around drink.
That's a whole afternoon potentially lost, browsing various London missed connections. Does this computer have an off button?

the polish chick said...

"tomorrow and thereafter" sounds like he's got definite plans for her, and they likely involve his damp cellar and possibly even a freezer. yikes!

multiple penises on display? really? gotta go!

Charlie's Tribe said...

Never mind the prominent chin. The clicking noises makes it sounds like she's strapped a pair of crickets to her ears. Have I missed something, is this the latest trend from the Paris cat-walks?

Helen Brocklebank said...

'O toi qui m'a envoutée de ton regard azur, mon cœur ne bat plus que pour te revoir'

Blimey... it's pure Jacques Brel... makes me think of these lines -

Moi je t'offrirai
Des perles de pluie
Venues de pays
Où il ne pleut pas

There's something rather wonderfully noble and poignant about the kiss and ride messages - even the spooky stalker ones (sorta)x

Lisa-Marie said...

The girl with the folding bike and ballet pump lady should totally look for thier people. The lady with the stalker should get another train.

Em said...

Stalkers... Belgium romance? It's a beautiful thing.

M. said...

I love the destinations. Maastricht, Verviers-central, Luxembourg... Such promises of exoticism and romance..

Krazy Kitty said...

Kiss & Ride is an awesome indie rock group name, I think. The lyrics are all ready to go (I especially like "ton muscle avachi"... yeah, baby).

Also, yes to Le long arrêt à Rhodes Saint-Genèse. It sounds like a Marguerite Duras title.

Lewis William said...

I doubt you go in for these things, but Fashion's Most Wanted sent me an award, and I'm sending it on to you!

Either way, thank you for entertaining me so very reliably and regularly.

ganching said...

What if one of them did respond and they agreed to meet and then it went horribly wrong, which let's face is the most likely outcome, and then they would have to stop getting that train or possibly would have to get a new job and/or move house and it really doesn't bear thinking about.....

Grit said...

but now i am desperate to receive one of these heart torn melancholic messages of longing and doomed love. i may come to belgium, ride about on your transport system, wear ballet pumps and eat bananas just for the glorious pointlessness of yearning.


I too have slouching muscles!!! I thought I was alone, but apparently not.

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