Sunday, 14 March 2010

I am not Gwyneth Paltrow and I have photographic evidence

Stung by accusations in the comments box that I am turning into Gwyneth Paltrow, I have decided to provide you with photographic evidence that I am not. This isn't suitable for anyone of a sensitive disposition, or any future boyfriends. Or, really, anyone.

Here is Gwynnie in a coat:




And look, here I am I in a coat on Friday evening. I have a split lip and I am wearing a dressing gown under the coat. I woke up on Saturday morning realising I was still wearing both the coat and a bra. I had, however, taken my shoes off, so good for me.




Gwynnie says: decluttering gives you peace.




I say: Whoa. Is that a FULL packet of Hula Hoops? Gimme.


Gwynnie says: a macrobiotic diet may seem daunting at first, but just wait until you are reaping the health and wellbeing benefits. There are many delicious and simple recipes you can try!



I say: There are many things that are delicious and simple. Most of them are on this picture.



I also say: See that? The shrunken head? That's what happens when I try and eat healthily. No, I don't know what it is. Probably a vegan.


Gwynnie says: Your home is your special space. Fill it with beautiful things.


I say: There's a La Perla bra somewhere in this picture. See? Beautiful things. On the floor.


Gwynnie says: your closet is a reflection of your soul.


I say: that may very well be true.


Gwynnie says: Beautiful, sexy underwear will fill you with confidence.



I say: I do actually believe that. However I often end up wearing this. Go figure.

41 comments:

Lisa-Marie said...

Thank you for cheering me up. I hate Mothers' Day, what with my mum being dead and all, and this properly made me laugh out loud.

I am glad you aren't Gwyneth. Really, she clearly has no fun, and also named her child after fruit. And she appears to be wearing a tinfoil coat and a fruit bag for shoes.

My 'closet'(it's a fucking wardrobe Gwyneth) has our Christmas tree wrapped up in bin bags, Christmas decorations, a spare laptop, most of my clothes, my hair-doing implements and a bar of green & black in it at the moment, as well as our wedding album, one with the husband's gigging nostalgia, a lamp with no shade, a bag of fabric and a box of random stuff on top of it- I wonder what that says about my soul?

soleils said...

Haaaaa, these are my surroundings, my fridge, my bathroom floor, my cupboard, my kitchen table, my undies, and, et... I guess that does reflect the state of my mind/soul/whatevs. A mass of clutter and greyING matter (not much actual functioning grey matter left). So, I am not Gwynnie either. But that's OK. I had much rather hang out with you than Ms Prissy Bore. And a messy desk (/house/fridge, etc.) is a sign of a creative mind, right?

That's Not My Age said...

Mmm I'm not convinced. Both photos have the same facial expression, could that top image be you in a blonde wig?

Helena Halme said...

I'm not convinced, you do look remarkably alike. Besides, the Gwyneth blog may just be a big fat ruse. She's probably in a ditch somewhere eating one of her babies heads as we speak.

Knackered Mother said...

I think you look like Sharleen fron Texas. In fact, we never see you two together. Hmmmm.

Happy Frog and I said...

I loved this blog post, you are so creative and so funny. I think you look much better than Paltrow and you you have a much better outlook on life then her.

edwynuk said...

I am absolutely sure I read somewhere that the more tidy your surroundings the more disorganised your brain is, or was it the more untidy your desk is the more creative and organised your mind is.... anyway, I'd much rather go to your house than Gwynies.... clean tidy empty houses put me edge quite frankly

Kate said...

One of my favourite posts, ever. And yep, you do look like sharleen spiteri. The split lip is a good look. Sorry.

Marc said...

Why are your crumpets in the fridge?

Jaywalker said...

That is an excellent question Marc. Because I don't have a bread bin.

Helena, the thought of Gwyneth in a ditch chewing babies' heads off is very cheering.

Vintage Vixen said...

Good God, what a wonderful post. I'm so glad I'm not the only domestic slattern.
Vix
xxxx

Charlie's Tribe said...

I'll never forget the time I saw Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love - though I am determined to keep trying.

Marc said...

Keep searching. You may eventually find a bread bin in there.

the polish chick said...

and yet gwyneth continues to insist on wearing hideous stella mccartney "bondage lite" dresses that make her breasts look really odd. i'm pretty certain you wouldn't do THAT.

(http://entimg.msn.com/i/gal/2005_Oscars_Arrivals/GwynethPaltrow_273x400.jpg)

by the way, is that celeriac i see in your fridge? for shame!

Anonymous said...

I am horrified by that petrified brown mass of vegetable matter in the bottom-right corner of the fridge, far more than by any of the atrocities you have pointed out. Do you have any idea what that used to be?

Anonymous said...

You are nothing like Gwyneth, and thanks be for that. She is so unsufferably dim and stupid! Were it not for her beautiful face and body, she'd be working the cashier booth somewhere. Seriously? She has people to clean her house and do her cooking. We'd all be Goop-y with such resources.

The Waffle? She keeps it honest and frank. It's more fun to find the fancy bra on the floor in the picture than know it's immaculately folded in tissue in a teak drawer somewhere.

Right?

Jaywalker said...

Anon #1: As noted by the Polish Chick, that is - or more accurately was - celeriac.

Margarita said...

I was worried that you were turning into Gwyneth with all the face goop too. (Although your goop site is very different from gwynnie's goop).

I'm glad you clarified this for us. Merci!

Iheartfashion said...

I'd take you over Gwynnie any day!
And I sincerely hope my closet isn't a reflection of my soul.

Artichoke Queen said...

Honey, your crumpets expire today. Get toasting! If I come to Belgium I am going to have to sort out your fridge for you, that photo gave me the shakes.

Anyhow, Gwynnie would never neck the amount of gin you do, and for this we embrace you and shun her. No matter what she has in her closet.

Artichoke Queen said...

PS I thought you ordered the armadillo bread bin? What happened?

ganching said...

You have Waitrose in Belgium? They don't even have a branch in south London.

Jaywalker said...

AQ - I cleaned the fridge out after this. And froze the crumpets. You may sleep easy. And much as I do, indeed WANT the armadillo, I haven't ordered it.

Ganching - OF COURSE NOT. I carried a bag of cheap convenience food back from Westfield on the Eurostar. That's how I roll.

Johnners said...

Ooh, you over Gwyneth any day, although apparently she is still suffering a huge craving for fags, after 6 years of giving up, which makes me warm to her a wee bit. Not much, but a bit. Can't get into my "closet" because there's too much sh*te piled up in front of it - this is a v good reflection on my soul...

Oh yes, and a big hug to you today x

Madame DeFarge said...

Fab. I also assume that you have no strange cup marking on your back. Unless you sleep with coffee mugs under the mattress?

Em said...

Well, I suppose I believe you. Although you would say that wouldn't you? And aren't 'you' wearing a wig?

Protesting a bit too much, me thinks...

Oh wait, just seen your fridge. Ok, we're good.

theharridan said...

holy moly you may not be gwynnie, but you ARE that scottish lady out of Texas. you totally are.But you do not release an entirely unstylish covers album, so you win.

theharridan said...

oh yes, upon closer blog-comments-inspection, it seems everyone else has noticed the sharleen doppelganger thing. so I win. or something

Veronica Wald said...

If that's what Gwyneth Paltrow looks like these days, I say you're better off as you are.
Didn't she used to be pretty?

Fat Controller said...

Were I free to choose betwixt the two of you, I would not choose Gwyneth. For ALL the reasons you have outlined.

Ellie said...

You win.

Margaret said...

You know who has tidy closets? Rich ladies with staffs and serial killers.

Rainey said...

You clearly are not Gwyneth, because she is not funny. Actually, I think she may be a robot.

And from what I can gather, you are quite a funny human.

Anonymous said...

Hadn't given it any thought. But now? I think you protest too much.
Proof is needed. Please arrange photo of the both of you side by side with you holding that day's newspaper.
If you haven't done it by 6pm tomorrow I shall know it's a big fat lie.
Fran

Simon said...

I must be getting old; I remember when Gwyneth Paltrow used to be an actress.

GingerB said...

I am just jealous you even have crumpets.

Bee said...

I would never trust a woman who wears a coat -- and yet has bare legs.

I think that GOOP should link to you. Your blog has two things hers doesn't: humour and a reality check.

Shell said...

LOL! I was rerouted here via a post on twitter and thank god! What a great funny post! Thanks for a little bit of shining wit this morning!!!

bevchen said...

You have Hula Hoops. And crumpets.
I am officially jealous.

Grit said...

i for one am impressed by your rotting fridge vegetables. i might soon display my cabbage. i was a fool not to photograph the aubergine before i wiped up the slime.

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