Friday, 5 March 2010

Extra special collaborative beauty product review

M and I bond over many things - ponies, whining, giant Stohrer macarons pistache-framboises, poking fun at sections of the blogosphère. But we also share a secret fetish. No, it's nothing like that, we are too filled with world-weary snarkdom to share odd sexual proclivities. No. We are both a bit obsessed with beauty products and make up. That's right, like proper girls. We swap beauty blog links slightly shame-facedly, and talk at length about implausible cellulite treatments. It's lame, but harmless. We are damaging noone but HSBC and their bastard colleagues.

So, we decided we should do an occasional product review column of beauty products and make up. Of course noone will give us free stuff, so we will review stuff that is already in our bathroom cabinets, or was in there when we were briefly solvent.

Here goes nothing.

Estée Lauder Advanced Night Repair

E: I love this stuff.

M: It's like a corset. FOR YOUR FACE.

E: It's like magic.

M: What does it do, though? It doesn't say anywhere. It's black magic, isn't it?

E: It just magically fixes you. Whatever is wrong with you. Like, it runs a diagnostic programme, and then skitters off and fixes the broken bits.

M: Do you think we could get a bath full of the stuff? And maybe a little vial for the soul?

E: I bet Kate Moss bathes in Advanced Night Repair, now she's tired of champagne.

M: Yes! She bathes in the milk of the Advanced Night Repair cow. Is it a cow? Or a goat? It's probably a goat. Or a donkey.

E: Pffff, it's a unicorn, dude. The Advanced Night Repair unicorn.

M: Of course. Where does it grow?

E: It grazes in the Elysian fields.

M: Yes! And it is milked by Valkyries.

E: So, conclusion: it is a magical elixir from the milk of unicorns and we recommend it.

M: Correct.

Elemis Aching Muscles Super Soak

(In the interests of full disclosure and bloggistic integrity, I should say that this conversation was composed from a range of past discussions on the subject. It's like one of those creepy duets where one participant is dead. M is playing the part of Elvis here. )

M: Elemis Elemis ELEMIS.

E: This should come with a health warning, because it's actually a narcotic, not a beauty product. Do not operate heavy machinery or combine with alcohol on pain of death. It should be prescription only. And kept in the locked cupboards at the back of pharmacies that the junkies try and raid in gritty films. With the methadone and whatever.

M: Elemiiiiiiiiiis.

E: Actually, what am I saying, it shouldn't even be legal. It's like roofies. You lose all muscle control, all free will. I bet heroin is exactly like this. Maybe less potent. Twenty minutes in a bath of this stuff, and you feel like all your bones have been removed. Probably one of kidneys too.

M: A plague of Elemis upon you and your kin.

E: Have you been drinking it? Don't drink it. What kind of crazed thrill-seeker are you?!

M: (dreamily) I once had a flatmate whose girlfriend worked in a spa. She was very fond of Elemis, so there was an unlimited supply of Super Soak and I could use it whenever I wanted.

E: I am surprised you ever managed to move out. Out of the Elemis CRACK DEN. I can imagine you all lying around, never moving, taking bath after bath after bath, the air a heavy fug of juniper and and clove and lavender. Filthy junkies.

M: It was the flatmate that had the collection of blankies. That he washed and hung on the line. Remember?

E: He had a girlfriend? Impressive. A man with collection of doudous can find a girl. There's hope for us all.

M: He ALWAYS had girlfriends. He once broke his penis on a girlfriend and ran around the flat screaming.

E: Eh? Are you kidding me? Is that a thing? How the FUCK? HOW CAN YOU BREAK A PENIS?

M: There's a ligament or something. There was blood and screaming. Apparently it's very painful. I was in my room thinking WHAT THE FUCK.

E: Oh my god. I feel a bit sick now. Well, if you will live with Elemis smackheads in an Elemis squat, this kind of thing is going to happen.

M: Where IS my fucking Elemis?

E: You've spent your giro on Elemis again, haven't you?

M: What's a giro?

E: I sometimes forget you are actually French.

M: Whatever. ELEMISSSSS.


Wafflebébé said...


Not really.

can you do posts where you wander into a flemish pharmacy blindfolded, pick up a bottle of something, remove the label then send it to M - so she can try and figure out what its for?

That would be fun. xx

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I'm in the market for a new skin cream and I am now heading for Estee Lauder. The Clarin super-rejuvanator was just not cutting it.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Obviously it doesn't contain the milk of Unicorns. My standards have been ludicrously low for my night creams, apparently.

shayma said...

i love it. i desperately need this elemis. can i meet m, too? x shayma

Charlie's Tribe said...

Ahh it's the most beautified bloggers. Ophelia has nothing on you.

Iheartfashion said...

I've never heard of Elemis, but not I feel that I must have it.

@carolinesweeite said...

I absolutely love this post. Funny and practical(you should be charging). Will now buy the elemis to bathe in,sounds fab.
Keep it up.
But don't give up on the normal waffle,it is too good.

Happy Frog and I said...

You both make a great double act, Unicorn milk is sheer genius! I want the product even though I've never heard of it before! More please :-)

M. said...

YAY! We are the Elemis/Lauder crack pimps of Europe. Or something.

I feel the need to point out that while Emma manages to look like a "proper girl", all poreless skin and flattering makeup and what not, I look like a demented, ruddy faced banshee most of the time.

Also, sometimes I wish gchat would stop saving copies of our conversations. It's like looking at photos of yourself from the 80s.

magpie said...

Finally, beauty product reviews that actually tell you what you want to know. Hallelujah! Praise Elemis.

Julia Ball said...

bag full of Elemis that I hardly use, what should I be using then?

Lisa-Marie said...

I am glad you added the extra bit. When I was 17, 16 of my friends at school and I hired a farmhouse in Arran for the weekend. My friend and her boyfriend went away to their room, and the then we heard

Boy- shouting ' are you on your period? that's minging, there's blood everywhere'
Girl- 'i shouldn't be'
boy - shouting 'shit, it's me, YOU RIPPED ME'

He had a 3 inch long rip in his manbits, and we had to get the ferry with him like that to get to hospital.

Margaret said...

Oh my mother has been using Advanced Night Repair off and on since I was a child. She turned me on to it when I was about 12. I use it now every single time I have a sunburn (on my face, shoulders, etc.) and *every single time* I wake up the next day back to normal. It's incredible. Dark magic, indeed.

Wafflebébé said...


work is super shit today, so I have fallen back on the 'waffle as remedy' remedy.

it is MUCH better than real life.

You can indeed break you penis, I have not done it myself but have heard many a horror story - its a bit like a glow stick - you can snap it, only it doesnt glow it just erm - bleeds.


That's Not My Age said...

Oh god I need a corset for my face thanks for the tip off.

Anonymous said...

Oooh I love E Lauder serums. I especially love anything that is dispensed by a dropper - it's so scientific, it's got to be good.
My new find is Darphin predermine serum. It's an eye watering 230euros but it comes in teeny little bottles. What's not to love? I look 16. ish.

P.S. wv is 'feelit' - how apt.

the polish chick said...

my ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart, broke his penis on the girl he dated after me. oh sweet sweet justice. i am told he ran out of the tent yelling and bleeding. ha!

thanks for the lancome review, i shall go and get me some in the hope of forestalling imminent hagdom. i don't think i'll be able to find the elenis crack in canada, but i can try. i need all the help i can get in the area of falling asleep.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

See, this is where I beg to differ. Kate Moss obviously bathes in a complicated concoction of sperm, coke residue and Rimmel eyeliner. She SHOULD bathe in Advanced Night Repair, but I fear their formula wouldn't be strong enough for Kate. Although the purity of the unicorn extracts would react to the core evil in Kate and cause some cataclysmic event, a bit like when an exorcist encounters a demon. :)

Alice said...

I just read Lisa-Marie's post, and thought it included the words from Margaret's post. For several seconds I was under the impression that 'Advanced Night Repair' was a special technique used by hospitals for men with lacerations...

Kitschen Pink said...

I can't sleep without my estee lauder night repair - been using it for ages - don't know if it does any good but at that price a bottle it Feeeels gooood to be using it! And the eye stuff and the day stuff.... oh naughty naughty me! thinking of your sweetie - just popped in to see if you're still insane, glad to be in good company. t.xxxxxx

philb said...

Hmmm, lots of blood and shouting? Sounds like a torn frenulum to me.

As for beauty products, I'd recommend a good dob of Swarfega over any fancy French squirt from an atomiseur. Anything that's that green and viscous has got to be good for your skin. And with an odour to die for, too.

Margaret said...

OK, so now we have not only multiple Anonymouses but multiple Margarets? How long has this other Margaret been around? Is she Margaret II or am I?

But on to more important things: I am desperately tempted by the Night Repair. I was gracefully accepting middle age until I started working with all these twentysomething girls. Now I am again forced to confront my resemblance to Burgess Meredith. Will this help with my lifelong very strict No Sunscreen Ever, drinking, 20 years of smoking (I quit, so don't start), coffee-yes-ma'am, sleep-without-face-washing skincare regimen? I've always had problems with Estee. Her perfumes give me a terrible rash and I'm really not allergic to things generally.

Polish chick, what is with you and penises? I'd never even heard of Broken Penis Syndrome. Did you will this to happen to him? Can you do it on demand if I send you a Costco-size vat of Night Repair?

emily said...

i think Waffle bebes idea is amazing and LOVED this post - my kind of reviews :) Have never tried either of these but think I am going to have to go out and buy them both asap!

London City Mum said...

If I worked for either Elemis or Estee Lauder I would be on to you two quick sharp to sign you up for a no-nonsense what-you-see-is-what-you-get advertorial special.

Who needs pages and pages of glossy spreads in fancy magazines when you can get JW and M to give this kind of review and not put anyone off? No such thing as bad publicity I guess.

Shame I do not work in PR... Hey maybe a career change is overdue?


the polish chick said...

philb - what is this Swarfega of which you write? sounds like something concocted by a swedish hippy. i think i want some.

margaret - i honestly didn't realise there was a thing with me and penises. i guess i'll have to reevaluate my life in light of your assessment. and can i do it on demand? sadly, no. although the vat of unicorn milk does sound tempting.

Madame DeFarge said...

You know that this would almost make me buy the stuff, just so that I could read the post with the products in my hands. It would make any skin cream interesting.

3limes said...

I am obsessed with Estee Lauder's magic in a bottle. During the day I wear the magic in a pot and put on the black magic before bed. Love, Love, Love. And NO you cannot buy this any where in Uganda, This was very funny by the way and I can only dream about a body soak now, have neither a bath nor the Nectar of Elemis.

Margaret said...

Polish chick: Dude. Every exchange we have features penises in some way. Oh. Wait. Maybe *I* have a penis thing.

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