Tuesday, 30 March 2010


I'm about 75% monstrous mutant cold and 25% psycho lady-hormones tonight. It's not pretty, hence the absence of nicely-crafted tales of my empty day. I should have been in bed hours ago, but the dog is just back from dog borstal and bears the signs of some larger animal (possibly one of my children) having tried to eat his face, so I am keeping him company.

Sample conversations in which I have participated today:

X: When will the fun start? When???? TELL ME WHEN.
Y: You're asking the wrong person. I spent all morning crying in the ladies. But I did call your fun customer service helpline. Apparently your fun is defective and has had to go back to the manufacturer. It should be returned during your next lifetime. Or the one after.

X: You know what's wrong with today? We spent Earth Hour watching Extreme Fishing with Robson Green. Our karma is fucked.
Y: Greenpeace will send a hemp wearing, macrobiotic ninja DEATH SQUAD for us.

X: Shall we just cancel today?
Y: Ok. Meet me behind the shed in an hour. I'll bring a couple of trashy novels, a portable hammock and Stohrer macaroons.
X: Is it ok if I bring a goat?
Y: It's not ok if you don't bring a goat.

X: Why do grown ups not get upset? Why don't you cry when something hurts?
Y: .......... Well.. Maybe we've had more things happen to us, so we know the difference between something really really hurting and just hurting a little bit? I've told you - the tetanus jab is just a tiny scratch.
X: What will you give me if it isn't just a tiny scratch?
Y: Er, five euros?
X: Ok. What are you really really scared of?
Y (thinks, but does not say: DEATH): I don't like it when the dentist has to do something really big. Those needles are enormous. I did once cry at the dentist. I had my eyes closed and I heard the nurse say "that's a huge needle!" and I opened my eyes and there was this, this SWORD coming towards me. I cried then.
Y: Then what?
X: Then I had to let him get on with it.
X: Can I have a dog of my own?
Y: No.

X: I might be meeting a gentleman at the weekend. I hope he likes snot and cellulite.
Y: I'm sure he loves 'em.
X: Gets off on them. I wonder if there's a special pervsite devoted to snot and cellulite? Because I would be DA BOMB this week.
Y: I bet there is.
X: You're probably right. The world is a dark and terrifying place. Retreat! Retreat to the snail shells!
Y: Yes. RETREAT. I am moving my antennae elegantly in a backwards motion.

You get the picture. Shall we just watch a tragic, animated insect love story instead?

I will be back tomorrow. I am trying to go to bed before it IS tomorrow for once.


Ellie said...

That line about the defective fun? Priceless. And when is goat not good? Possibly only when actively eating your hammock.

the polish chick said...

the little film was darling, although it would have been infinitely better had it ended with a murder suicide... you know, like in real life.

a fun without goats, is no fun at all.

Em said...

I'm very tired but I'm sure I read that there might a meeting with a man... and snot and cellulite and hormones and stuff. But hey, enjoy! I will wait with bated breath to live vicariously through you. (Don't let 'us' down). (No pressure).

Waffle said...

Oh, no Em. Not me, sorry. Another snotty person. I might go and see Dr Champagne the knee physio though. With a name like that he just has to be amazing.

Alison Cross said...

loved that little film.


Happy Frog and I said...

I loved this post so much, so glad I read it after I came back from the dentist though!

Marc said...

Men don't care about cellulite. In over thirty years of maleness, I've only ever heard a man say the word "cellulite" once, and he was an American, so he probably doesn't count.

I'm only mentioning cellulite now to illustrate how little I care about it, and I'll probably go through the rest of my life without mentioning it again.

Only women and the sort of gutter-press that feature pictures of "celebrities" on their beach holidays care about cellulite; men do not.

You should definitely do something about the snot though, he won't like that.

Fat Controller said...

You never told me we shared a dentist.

When I scan the UK tv listings (To see if there's an episode of 'The Professionals' I haven't seen-how sad is that?)my eye always lights upon this 'Extreme fishing with Robson Green' thingy. For some reason I always misread it as 'Extreme Fisting with Robson Green'. Now that would be much more fun.

Anonymous said...

O Waffle,
I'm sorry to hear about the hormones.

I realise this is not a confessional but could I draw upon your not inconsiderable dispensational wisdom..?
I myself am in an unusually unique ;-) situation with a recently ex-workmate.

I formed a passion for a much older colleague. He seemed to like me too. But he seemed almost dismissive on my last day, out of character. I stealthily and cunningly copied down his mobile number from the office phone list.

So...I wouldn't usually have call to call him (so to speak). Do i do it and risk being a nutter?

Or just delete the offending digits?

Anonymous said...

Experience says Marc's comment re cellulite is accurate - the weekend Gentleman Caller will love your snot and more if he is the right one. Cool.

Waffle said...

Non non et non. There is no weekend gentleman caller. Honest. I'm not being coy. Though maybe I will meet someone at the Braine L'Alleud air guitar finals? I live in hope.

Waffle said...

Oh! Anonymous. I was supposed to be helping with your quandary.

Of course you should call him. I am sure you can invent a pretext, can't you? If not you could just carry his number around with you forever, transferring it to each new wallet you buy 'just in case' until it is an illegible pointless talisman. Is that what you want? Hmmm?

sanjeet said...

it would have been infinitely better had it ended with a murder suicide... you know, like in real life.
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