Friday, 26 March 2010

Belgian Waffle Secular Confessional, March Edition

Requests have come from several quarters for Confessional, and it has been some time since we opened the doors to the musty, vermin infested Waffle Confessional. That is because my sins of recent weeks are very very dull. However, confess I must, and hopefully some of you will have been unspeakably badly behaved and I can chastise you with scorpions. First, though, here comes my own faintly depressing set of minor transgressions. I am warning you now, it is just more of the same old shit.

1. Slatternliness (various)

House looks like.. Well. It looks like this, frankly.



I sit in the middle of it, faintly surprised at its reluctance to self-clean. Worst of all, I cannot be arsed to drag my carcass all the way upstairs to the attic, where I know for certain a bunch of tulips is rotting, quietly. They have been there since M came to visit. I forget when that was, but I think it might have been in February. It's reached the point where it seems wiser to just leave them there until they dessicate entirely.

2. Administrative paralysis

4 months since the theft of my ID card, I have still not replaced it. Ditto driving licence. At some point soon this will create intractable problems. I am waiting, defiantly, for the intractable problems before I try and sort it out, at which point it will be far, far too late.

3. Spending

Whilst I think I am being very much more careful at the moment with money, due to not having any, I was momentarily blinded by the softly lit, welcoming DEN OF SIN that is Westfield and bought a Jaeger dress on my last trip to London. I am not even sure about the dress. I think it might make me look like Barbara Taylor Bradford or something. Mutton dressed as, um, mammoth? Hang on, I'm going to take a picture.


Eh. Meh.

(a rare shot of me not featuring the orange towelling bathroom curtains, or the previous decaying collection of Economist magazines, or me standing on the loo seat. I am staying with Papa Waffle. He has a proper house with proper stuff in it, like mirrors)

Also under "spending", Facegoop has reignited my passion for snake oil beauty products, which I can now laughably describe as "research". I am heading for Space NK shortly where I have been reliably informed there is some special offer on which entitles you to many free samples is you spend a quarter of your annual income on tiny pots of make believe.

4. Gin

Requires no further explanation. Gin, gin, gin like a dissolute 18th century parlourmaid. Including on school nights. Interestingly, at Tall Tales last night (I will probably talk about Tall Tales at more length tomorrow, suffice to say I was a bit crap, but people laughed. With, at. It's all the same really, isn't it? Ahem) I ended up talking to three men all drinking gin and tonic. Has gin and tonic butched up, or is this just metrosexual London mores? I am woefully out of touch with metropolitan drinking habits, clearly. Though my head would beg to differ this morning.

5. Mild desperation

I have been considering the personal ads with increasing interest. Mine would be one of the tawdry and unambiguous ones that occasionally pop up on Kiss & Ride, along the lines of "Femme 35 ans, double menton, ressemble a la progeniture illegitime de Barbara Taylor Bradford et Grayson Perry, ne veut pas etre seule ce soir. Vous avez 2 bras, 2 jambes, une tete? Cela me suffit. Ecrivez moi at whatdoIhavetodotogetsomemeaninglesssex@gmail.com". No, I'm not going to translate that for you. That's what Babelfish is for.


Ok, I'm done. Your turn. I am feeling quite filled with the milk of human kindness (I think that's actually 18th century code for "gin") today, so please, tell me everything. Bless you my children.

60 comments:

TonyC said...

Gin - Humphrey Bogart drink neat (And warm) in "The African Queen". You don't get more manly than that.

Anonymous said...

I think I have a mouse in my flat. I know that this is largely due to my slovenly housekeeping.

Lisa-Marie said...

I could translate that without Babelfish! Clearly I am a French genius or something! Also, If a boy drank gin here, he'd probably be shot. Gin is not masculine in Scotland. I'm sure M would say the same. Also, I like the dress, it suits you. I kind of want one too.


My sins

Despite the fact that we have no money and are 3 months behind on our car payment, husband and I have still spent about £600 on fun things this month. It may not seem like alot, but we have £400 for everything once our bills have come out(we currently have two lots of bills to pay for as we both own and rent flats. it is baws). Shit.

On one of these nights, I got so drunk friend had to put me in a taxi. Husband came home to let me in(he was out with other friends) as we only have one key, and he found me sitting against our door asleep. He also found a puddle of my sick in the close (and then cleaned it up, having put me into bed and gotten me a bowl and some water). I had to actually crawl to bed.

I have become a bathrobe person. If I don't have anything to do of a day, I watch TV in my dressing gown. When husband and I got together, I wore nice clothes and did my hair and put make-up on every day. Even I kind of miss the well put together me. I am too comfy to care much though.

Yesterday I ate a whole Swiss roll.

Even though we are entirely skint, I still insist on posh Earl Grey tea bags. I don't even feel guilty, the cheap ones taste wrong. I'd rather not eat and have good tea.

I bought two pairs of shoes without telling husband. I am a bad wife. He did go on tour and leave me on my own in Dundee though.

London City Mum said...

Forgive me Waffle for I have sinned.

Actually, that's a load of bollocks. All I have done is be particularly canny about getting a refund on an item that I found for £40 less after having purchased the original online.
I called the vendor and said I was being lent said item by a friend but only found out she possessed it after my acquisition.

I have no friend with said item. I probably have no friends either after this.

Long and short of it? Refunded, re-ordered and then to my chagrin was called by (new) vendor to say it would be at least 2 weeks to delivery. Aaaarrrggghhhhh.

Touché.

LCM x

Kate said...

daughter stayed home yesterday and I let her watch gobs of tv and farted around online rather than finding ways to amuse her.

the apartment looks disgusting. it's awful. and i refuse to do anything about it.

we have no money. but i am still thinking about moving house. mostly because my fantasy is we would start over and it would be clean. also because landlords want to raise rent 25 a month... which isn't huge, but irks me.

Alison Cross said...

Dress is very House of Elliott, isn't it. The sort of thing a flapper used to wear?

From my high vantage point of the front bedroom over the fashion world at large, retro is VERY now darling.

I think you look absolutely great in it.

My bosoms would make it look like me a games board on me.

BTW - I absolve you of your slatternly ways. Do three Hail Clarins and all will be well

Laura and Ben said...

I like the dress; it's brighter than usual.

My sins are too bad to air publicly. I'll leave them swept under the carpet where they belong.

Iheartfashion said...

First, let me say that you look stunning in that dress, not Barbara Taylor Bradford or Grayson Perry, and you most certainly do not have a double menton. What are you looking in, a funhouse mirror?
I won't confess my sins because they are basically identical to yours, and more boring than I'd like. And the desperate personal ad sounds so much better in French.

Lisa-Marie said...

Allison Cross, I discovered House of Elliot on The History Channel, and have become a bit addicted! I had no idea other people knew what it was!


Sorry for chatting in the confessional box E, If I give you some gin am I absolved?

indigo16 said...

I have not checked my bank balance since Christmas
I have to pay for a holiday soon and I KNOW I have no money so will have to rob my mother AGAIN!
Spend my waking hours dreaming of winning the lottery and living on my own.
Your dress is very gallerina which is a good thing.

Robert Hudson said...

1. I have nothing to confess
2. My favourite gin is Bulldog. That's how manly I am
3. Laughing with, last night. all the way to the bank
4. Word verification: 'snesse', which is French for 'sneeze'

Sally said...

My sins are all spending-related. Despite my very, very tenuous employment status I have just returned from the above-mentioned Space NK. I don't care if the samples are any good. I just WANT THE FREE STUFF. I can confirm that there are lots of different samples. As expected, I already know that I haaaate one of them with a burning frenzy (Eve Lom cleanser. I hate it. Or at least my skin does.)

Also despite the employment status issue I keep spending all my time on the internet.

Oh, and if gin counts as a sin, I am probably in trouble on that one too.

wv = hydrater, for god's sake. WAAAAATER.

Charlie's Tribe said...

Am frankly appalled at this lukewarm approach to sinning, E. Where are the tales of torrid transgressions and vile vices?? Your readers LIVE through you, you owe it to them! Make something up if you have to... needs must.

Annie said...

1. after months of being rational and polite, followed by 2 weeks of intensive complaining, I stopped complaining and now do no more work than the person with the same title as me. unsurprisingly, things came to a grinding halt in 6 days. my alleged colleague has been given 90 days notice. I have found this not working so delightful that, to my boss's reluctant amusement, I have announced I will not resume working until those 90 days are up.

2. pursuant to #1, I am doing an enormous amount of completely trash reading. it is amazing what one can put on a kindle (and during #1, read at one's desk)

3. I allowed the dogs to very messily disembowel a snake in the yard. I rationalized this as evolution and natural selection, but the sad truth is I didn't notice until the snake was plenty dead and I just couldn't deal with getting all snake-spattered.

4. someone referred to my ex as having a "sort of asbergian sensuality" and it has made me miss him terribly. sometimes that narrow focus pays off.

5. I tried the rose vodka that I made last summer finally and it turned out to be rather delicious. alas.

6. I burned my face with oatmeal cleanser last night and ow and red and flaky and ow.

7. I am relieved that the recent weather of total chaos has ensured there will be no apricots this year. I am not in the mood to make jam, and I won't be in the mood in June, either.

Nellig said...

Yes the dress has a fetching twenties gymslip quality to it. Especially with that St Trinian's attitude. Surely offers of meaningless sex will soon be all too tiresomely frequent.

chiclit said...

I moved to a new condo three years ago; my closets are still full of boxes moved here consisting of either a)paper composed of 98 percent shreddable old unopened bills 2% stuff that should be filed or b)things swept off the floor/counters/from car prior to guests arriving. I am still using temporary furniture. My no longer in use 10 year old pc and printer are occupying the spare room.

As a result of all this I have called the 1800junk people to send a truck tomorrow. Yes, Americans, will know that as the company prominently featured on the reality series "Hoarders".

And I have dishes in my sink that haven't been washed in a couple of weeks. (I DO keep putting fresh soapy water in them, though!)

Anonymous said...

Snake, Annie? A proper snake? Where are you?

Thinking I'd be helpful and lovely in my new job I watered the numerous plants last Friday. By Monday they were all dead - deader than dead. Luckily, a new cleaner started last Friday and the blame has been put squarely on her. Even luckier, she speaks barely any french or english so can't be quizzed. We're all agreed we should 'keep an eye on her.'

There's a crossword joke somewhere in your dress, but I just can't get my head round it.

Fran

Anonymous said...

My sins...

I have been lusting after an old boyfriend (we were 12) whom I recently found on facebook. He's looking very yummy and I should just delete him.

Spending an evening with my future mother in law puts me in a terrible mood. She bothers me so much I can hardly eat a dinner with her.

I have allowed a married man to flirt with me. He is oblivious to the fact that the feeling isn't mutual.

I have not walked my dog in months. Poor thing has been stuck with exercising in the back yard, alone.

I drink entirely too much.

Forgive me? Candace

the polish chick said...

fran, do not make fun of the immigrants! we are a delicate bunch!

ok, here goes:

1. despite being a type a, obsessive compulsive type that all y'all would hate (i was entirely unpacked within less than a week of our move), i have been putting off doing our taxes, and i don't even have to DO them, just get them ready for mr. accountant. still, there is something soul-killingly horrifying about facing all that paper.

2. i have discovered ebay and promptly bought 2 pairs of frye boots at a very substantial discount. one pair is the colour of a baby hippo, the other is black and still on its way. despite being seriously underemployed, i continue to buy things online, something that i have never EVER done before.

3. i have been up for several hours now and instead of going to exercise, as i had planned to do, i am still sitting in my orange bathrobe, buttocks permanently fused to the couch.

4. i have not been drinking much lately and it makes me sad. and then it makes me worried that this should make me sad.

5. we are now completely and totally hooked on "lost" and watch 2-3 episodes a night. i spend all my time thinking about the show and wondering what is happening to the characters when i'm not around. i even dream about them sometimes.

Annie said...

New Mexico.

Once the irrigation starts up, we will also have turtles and the occasional hapless and incompetent fish will get stranded on the lawn under the fruit trees. Luckily, the dogs scream at the turtles and so pretty much turtle mortality is at zero. the fish they tend to eat before rot sets in, which works very well, as dog rolled in rotten fish is vile, it is fouler than anything else ever and has in the past driven me to use up multiple bottles of costly shampoo before moving on to laundry detergent with colorsafe bleach. and weeping.

and yeah, I have to do something with the fruit because otherwise it falls and mildly ferments instead of decaying because I don't know why and the dogs gobble it with predictable tipsyness onset or else it fills up with scarab beetles, which are so beautiful but get stuck in one's hair and then the legs get pulled off and left behind in the hair when the screaming and flailing sets in. why the dogs won't eat the beetles I don't know.

and yes - I live in the city. as much city as we've got, anyway.

okay, and you know what else? it is not a sin, it is a problem but the capybara has been away for a long time. I have been given slightly over 5 lbs of elk as a gift. it just is very meaty meat. it really smells like meat from a recently living creature, if you see what I mean. is there any way of doing something about that - about the smell, I mean. because as it is, I cannot even give it to the dogs. fresh snake > elk meat when it comes to smell.

Nimble said...

My personal ad would offer domination to young beautiful thing who wanted to be naughty. That way I could pet the pretty and stay fully clothed.

Gin not masculine? My retired Marine Corps father would have been very surprised to hear it.

Marc said...

Hemingway was partial to the odd gin and tonic and he was very, very manly. He had a beard and everything.

Anonymous said...

How am I making fun Polish Chick? I can barely speak English myself. And as for French......

Fran

auntiegwen said...

I didn't get a job I wanted last year, the woman who did get it has now been promoted again and is earning double, I have very uncharitable thoughts.

The man I love has moved on without me on a grand scale and I have to stop seething with jealousy when I see his holiday snaps and new house with his new love because of course, I am still his friend.

FML

the polish chick said...

well fran, your comment on blaming the dead plants on the cleaning lady strikes too close to home. i often overwatered and thus killed houseplants. i still weep about it occasionally.

also, i am kidding. i am not that delicate.

by the way, your english sounds fine to my untutored ear.

Anonymous said...

There is a boy. He is very very pretty, like a puppy with a bit of a limp. He is a restricted substance due to various reasons I can not disclose here for fear of unmasking. I have schemed to spend time with him, and he likes it.

There is also an old man, who I stalk around my workplace like a bunny boiler.

I need some holy water for brain fever.

Mrs Jones said...

Annie - it all sounds most fascinating, and you don't have a blog for why? I want to read about your life, in all it's snake-eviscerating detail. Also, collect the apricots and make schnapps and wine and vodka - bugger the jam.

My sins - too lazy by half, except for the crocheting which is like crack to me. That's it really, a bit lame I know. Must try harder next month. Oh, and Ms Waffling? Sounds like you need to visit the Adult Friend Finder website....not that I'd know what that's all about of course. Oh dear me, no.

MargotLeadbetter said...

I am so dull and wholesome these days that I'm not even going to go anonymous. Just the usual: gluttony, skiving off work, drinking a lot, and more gluttony. Oh, and I still want to kill Jerry, obviously.

MoleBuoy said...

Yes, what was all the G & T about? It was like a night in the Shades in Victorian London, without the smog, copperplate Penny Dreadfuls, and syphilis. Hopefully.

Dan should be ashamed of himself. I felt slightly left out with my ales.

Oh, shit. I've just used a comment section! Time for bed.

Margaret said...

Re: the dress. It's cute and not black! Is it springtime in Belgium?

chiclit: I want to call them but my Hoard-ing husband won't let me. We need to move again soon so that I can throw out some of his crap and then innocently claim "Oh, the movers' must have lost that box!" I may be busted, though, because the other day when I said "Oh, that must have been in the missing box," he gave me a very Fixed Look and said, "That was one big-ass box."

Forgive me, Waffle, for my only sin has been drinking excessively and being mean to my husband because I'm working so hard and resent not being able to sit on my ass and watch Gilmore Girls while web-surfing.

Is it a sin to Google-stalk unlikable coworkers to find out how much they paid for their apartments, so that when they're unpleasant to you, you can stare at them while thinking, "Today your home is worth 30% less than you paid for it 3 years ago at the height of the market."

WV: polyp. But that's a real word. Is it supposed to be real?

Jaywalker said...

None of you have been very bad so far. When I sober up and chastise you tomorrow you will wish you had been MORE sinful.

(Sally, I am sitting here with the contents of that very bag you describe writing them up for Facegoop. It's the free gift that keeps on giving. Sort of)

jen hit the roof said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jen hit the roof said...

This month I have mostly drank Hendrick's Gin. A lot of it. I have also spent too much money on things I don't need (2 new pairs of glasses of the designer variety, a new netbook, and a gamer chair for No.1 and No.2 sons, purely out of guilt for spending too much on myself) And I have neglected to pay my rent. Oops.

Lisa-Marie said...

I have just gone out and spent our last £20 on French Martinis.

OOPS.

Terresa said...

Stopping by as our blogs are of similar titles. Mine is The Chocolate Chip Waffle. DId you celebrate Mar 25th (International WAffle day)? I meant to, but did not. Perhaps tomorrow...

PS: the black & white dress rocks.

Alison said...

I bought 2 bags, one that was reasonably expensive and the other is on layby, which is not cheap. I haven't told my husband, but have been using the new bag (M0851 brand) and he hasn't noticed! I don't get it!! I'm obsessed with bags and he doesn't notice THE funkiest bag I've ever purchased since I've known him. I bought a new pair of trousers and a new shirt .. all on the sly! When I'm really super super stressed I always want to purchase things that take me closer to the edge of feeling more stressed!

I can't stand my husband's family. I mean REALLY can't stand. My MIL has called me selfish for not wanting to have kids. Yet my husband didn't get called anything. Like it's my fault! We both decided this together. I can't help nut hate her. She's a vindictive, religious, hypocritical and controlling person. She really can't understand why her 2 children gravitate AWAY from her, as she is quite nasty, but in a polite and passive way. Luckily for us, she lives interstate (I'm in Australia) but doesn't think twice about ringing 3 or 4 times a day asking my husband to solve her computer probs or her sort out the fights she has with his sister His sister has 2 kids so she get ample financial aid and is only on the receiving end of help! We are both composers for TV and film and have a music production company (according to her is a disgusting business) and even when we have clients and tell her we are busy she won't stop calling.

Anyway that's enough of a rant ... you look beautiful in that dress. Please absolve me from my sins! I really enjoy your blog!

Janey said...

OMG Alison I think you are my sister-in-law! You have just described my MIL to a tea, besides which we are in Australia too.

frau antje said...

The local bishopric (hey, I didn't make up the word), after some scrambling and much tiresomeness, has decided that anyone can receive communion if they first confess. Something that never interested me, but I'd love to use those wafers for cocktail parties (and why do they always have the best candles?).
I'm guilty of being defenseless against the idea of microorganisms, damn the scientific revolution. It was bad and time consuming enough before the deck and its furniture developed a green patina. Even my delusional plans to come up with the foolproof house would not help this situation (some tolerable mechanical form of removing dust from interiors would be in widespread use already if men customarily did housework, trust me...also, I can't figure out how to get the dishes back in the cupboard after the conveyor belt wisks them off to be cleaned). It's going to take me weeks of half an hour's
scrubbing here and there to futilely spread the spores around, fuck.

Don't place the ad, answer them, it gives you way more control...and don't limit yourself to meaningless sex, have you ever wondered if there's a difference anyway, in the long run? Seriously, you take incredible risks with other things, so why not? Use your head though, don't want to see your fate as some lame episode of Flikken Maastricht.

Barbara Taylor Bradford...I thought that name was familiar. It is on some novel of my mother's that is here for some bizarre reason (I probably grabbed it, hording souvenirs beforehand as usual). It's back where the bookshelves go behind the couch, along with books which would insult the locals, and the title is Emma's Secret.

Madame DeFarge said...

I'd love to confess to anything half as interesting, but mine are all dull, self-inflicted, emotional wounds of regret. Which make not for amusing blog tales. But I'd love someone to absolve me of them. Bit too much like real life

Anonymous said...

I once had an affair with a married man I was housekeeping for,and then with his son. All while I was in love with my first love, who I still love, but not surprisingly, lost. I Google him frequently (the lost one) and fantasise about him. We still have friends in common so I do hear snippets of information about him and am watching the obituary column of our local paper in case his parents die and he has to come home for the funeral. I'll obviously have to run his wife over, if he brings her. AND, she's a beautiful fitness instructor he married on the rebound from me. Do you hate her too? Maybe enough people will hate her that it sets up some kind of universal bad energy wave and she'll topple off a cliff in Cornwall early one morning and not be found for hours. God I'm horrible.

I have an inappropriate crush on one of my Twitter pals and gaze at his picture many times a day, leaving subtle hints about my movements in case he wants to 'accidentally' bump into me. We have never met.

These are probably not all that bad in terms of sinning, but the real sin is that I am blissfully happily married.

Lucy Fishwife said...

I can't stop myself ordering espresso even when I KNOW it will stop me sleeping and I will not only lie awake grumbling quietly to myself (thus keeping blameless saint husband awake too) BUT ALSO feel like twice-distilled poo the next day. I've tried decaf, it is frankly vile and a special niche in the Grocery Department Of Hell should be reserved for it and all other "is it? No tee hee silly it isn't!!" products like alcohol-free wine and sugar-free chocolate. Actually, on that note, I want to kill all people who blithely tell me they've given up coffee/chocolate/alcohol/smoking and say "It was really easy". I want to torture them to death with a blunt plastic crochet hook and some Spam.
I also find when I sleep badly I have a tendency to over-react a tad.

Alison Cross said...

Lisa-Marie - have you got to the stage yet where you are smoking your fags from a long and slender holder and leaning seductively against door frames pretending you are in a Noel Cowerd play?

No? Don't worry it will come.....

The period detail in House of Elliott is fantastic. Hmmm - history channel you say? Might need to go and explore that.

Is the older one still starting every conversation with a startled 'Jack!'

Still can't think of anything to confess that's even half as entertaining as what's already listed!

Ali Cross

M. said...

I have harboured dark, murderous thoughts about the neds upstairs. I have fantasized in excruciating detail about taking a baseball bat to their sallow, spotty faces. Or maybe that pointy monopod that hangs out in the hallway.

I made a black forest gateau and we said we could never possibly eat it between the two of us because it was huuuuuuge and then we did.

I made unkind comments about my hairdresser in my head even though she was perfectly nice and gave me a decent hair cut. I did not tip her.

I have been to my office once in the past 3 months. OK maybe twice.

I am going to buy a large freezer so I can store take away curry in it and never, ever cook again.

I am feeling smug that I have plenty of petty, pathetic sins to confess.

The end.

annie said...

1) I just slept with a coworker, and now, even though I don't like him, am wishing him ill for not calling me soon enough after.
2) In spite of being career-threateningly behind at work, I have gone out drinking every night this week.
3) My apartment is a disaster.
4) I have given up on cooking altogether, subsisting on hummus, coffee, chocolate, booze, and the restaurants in my crappy town.

Jeanette said...

I euthanized my daughter's pet gerbil because he was annoying me. He was a mean, snarly, foul little asshole and he stunk. He killed other daughter's gerbil (and ate him) and would bite when we tried to clean out the cage or give him food.

I got tired of walking on eggshells around the little bastard and fed him rat poison.

Anonymous said...

I have begun to view my marriage as a poisoned well. The longer we live here together, the worse we will get. It is desperately depressing.

I should visit my grandmother, but her alarming lack of intelligence actively repulses me. I should visit my parents, but I'm worried they'll tell me they're divorcing.

I have smacked my child's leg this week. More than once. Awful behaviour, unsurprisingly, only got awfuller. Ashamed.

God, this isn't entertaining. Sorry, peeps.

Anonymous said...

I haven't euthanized any pets or slept with a coworker, but I will confess to an entirely inappropriate crush on an unavailable man that I may not be able to prevent myself from acting on. I'm confessing in advance for next month.

Jaywalker said...

Hmm. After a slow start you are hotting up. I like it.

Anon#1: Befriend the mouse and keep it in your breast pocket like a Nancy Mitford Heroine.

Lisa-Marie: Slatternliness, alcohol abuse and over-spending, I see no heinous sin here. You are absolved.

LCM - one of my best friends is always doing similar scams. The women on the customer service desk at M& S see her and hide now. No sin.

Kate - You are describing pretty much every day in my house. Bless you.

Alison - I confirm the chest thing. I tried it on with a rather pneumatic bra this morning and it looked like I was being attacked my a rabid crossword puzzle. Have changed. Too alarming.

Iheart - You are lovely and you have a free pass for as much sin as you can be bothered to commit for the next 2 years.

Indigo16 - Nothing good ever comes of the checking of bank balances. Anyway, I think we financephobes innately know, with some primitive instinct, how bad the news would be if we looked.

Robbie - Tes souhaits.

Sally - There was a particularly weak moment yesterday when I nearly went BACK to Space NK to spend a hundred quid on Rodial snake oil to get another goodie bag. I slapped some sense into myself and bough a box of Imedeen instead (which is very dear. Whoever told me it was good had better be right).

Charlies Tribe - Well, I see no snorting of cocaine off the buttocks of Herman Van Rompuy from you either. Come on, step it up a bit.

Jaywalker said...

Annie - Snake disembowelling. Even the WORDS are awesome. Please come back and tell us more horrible New Mexico death stories soon???

Nellig - They are entirely absent. ENTIRELY. Well, there was the boy in white pixie boots last month. But, white pixie boots. Apparently I still have some standards. Give it a couple of weeks and I'll be rifling through my bag for his card.

chiclit - Fresh soapy water cures all dish related ills AND you are dealing with your paper problems. This isn't sin, it's virtue!

Fran - I note you do not confess the many times you have threatened to kill me in recent weeks. Do not think they have gone unnoticed. A papal envoy will be with you shortly.


Candace - Bless you my child, I can relate to much of this. Here's hoping The City Road doesn't read yours though because he gets misty eyed about unwalked dogs.

Polish Chick - Truly this is a feeble collection of sins. Your penance is to go out and do something confession worthy for next month. Go on, shoo.

Marc - Yeah, but Hemingway drank EVERYTHING. Including Bacardi. I think the beard meant he could get away with it.

Auntie Gwen - FYL indeed. I was filled with fury for you reading that. You are more sinned against than sinning, definitely.

Anon #2 That is just greedy. Pick one and stalk them exclusively. You will probably make more progress if you aren't diluting your efforts in this way anyway. Tsk.

Mrs Jones - Crocheting?? Are you having a larf? Poor show. I am too chicken for Adult Friend Finder. I just need to be 17 again when there was always some seedy party full of hormonal youths to go to.

Margot - My great friend thinks a good deal about tapping a carpet tack into her husband's head. She finds it soothing. Perhaps you could try that?

Mole Buoy - Ha, Dan was allowed, he was lovely and had nice manners and the like. He could carry off a gin. It was the Gallagher brothers that really puzzled me. They didn't strike me as the G&T type.

Terresa - Ha, I only found out about it too late. Next year we will paint the town with dough.

Alison - Your MIL sounds like a vile crone. Poison her. There you go, absolved of all sin. Bless you.

Frau Antje - Woah, spooky. See? She and I have a connection. I am trying to see the sin in your comment. You have allowed green mould to flourish? That's merely buddhist style tolerance. Bless you.

Madame DeFarge - I absolve you of all of them even without knowing what they are. I am powerful like that. Barbara Bradford Taylor is speaking through me.

Anon #3 - Yours are quite good. The twitter crush thing is very common though and you are instantly absolved. Is there Twitter dating? There should be.

Lucy - Your penance should really involve roasted baby. Or Oyster baby. Sadly I can't think how.

M - I'm intrigued by the pointy monopod. Can we have a picture. Also mmmmm gateau. Were there griottes?

Annie - I am very glad you dropped in. You make me feel a bit better about, well, everything. Bless you.

Jeanette - I am not sure I believe you. Did you REALLY? Really? Hmmmm.

Anon #4 - You might need some gin with that. There, there.

Anon #5 - I bet it's doing wonders for your timekeeping and general enthusiasm for work though. So it's all good. Absolved!

AnonyGay said...

1) On Friday night, I went on a date with a younger man, drank until blackout, got mugged on la Bourse and did unspeakable things with him on my couch until 6am. He has not responded to my "I had a nice time e-mail" although I have been stalking him relentlessly online.

2) On Saturday, hungover and sore, I went on a date with a more respectable gentleman. He does not know about young gentleman and though I know I should go for respectable gentleman, I secretly hope young gentleman will fall desperately in love and we will have a torrid, drunken relationship. I am 32 and too old for this nonsense.

3) I received an e-mail this morning from a gentleman in my homeland telling me he is in love with me. He wants to know if I am in love with him (we have a long and complex history) because he is involved with someone else, who wants to make it serious, and will only go further with this new man if I say I am not in love with him. I do not know how to respond and instead am drinking red wine alone in my trash-strewn apartment at 1pm on a Sunday.

4) My cats are out of dry food and I am fattening them up on wet food because I am too ashamed to leave the house.

5) I love that dress. Is that a confessional? I don't know, but I feel dirty having formed an opinion so quickly and clearly.

Weekend confessional. Done.

AnonyGay said...

and also my favorite gin is Hendrick's. sublime. indeed, going in search of some may be the only reason to leave the house today.

pinolona said...

-I really like the dress actually and it looks great on you.
-I am more stressed about going out of the house and working with real people than about the actual job. I should be more stressed about it, otherwise it means I'm not doing it properly.
-the night before last some young Belgian neds decided to rearrange my face for fun. I don't remember what happened, but I know I have a bolshy streak, and I am terribly afraid that somehow I asked for it.
- I have Real Vegetables (slowly yellowing) in the fridge and am stubbornly refusing to make them into proper food.
- I have about a fortnights' worth of vocabulary behind the sofa just waiting to be made into glossaries.

bevchen said...

I like the dress.

Confessions? hmph! I have been ridiculously good this month. The boyfriend and I are now officially saving up to get a flat together (or rather I'm saving... he just seems to have money left at the end of the month no matter what) so I haven't even been able to feast on crisps and chocolate for breakfast - I'm only allowed to eat what's actually in the flat until it runs out. Then I may go shopping, but only at Aldi and only to buy stuff we actually need *sigh*.
The naughtiest thing I've done is looking at flat adverts at work while I should have been translating... then making loads of stupid mistakes in said translation when I rushed to get it done in time. The proofreader must have thought I'd been drinking. I wish I had!

I am boring!

cadiz12 said...

my main sin as of late is shameless begging for votes.

and i really like your dress.

Margaret said...

I am sad to have no penance. I will try to come up with better sins in April.

Jeanette said...

Mme J - I really, really did. I couldn't lie to the Waffle!!

We'd had the gerbils for a very long time and he was getting more and more cranky in his old age. Plus, I convinced myself that he was suffering since he obviously had joint problems such that he couldn't even climb the tubes anymore.

All justifications aside, I'm glad he's gone.

Anonymous said...

My worst sin this month is procrasination to the point of madness, meaning I fritter away entire mornings on the Internet (reading blogs by fascinating people like you) instead of making progress on my work and then have to scramble to meet (and admittedly, sometimes miss) important deadlines. The worst thing is that the vague anxiety keeps increasing as the morning goes on, so I tend to become quite stressed out. I also tend to eat the wrong things and end up spending the entire day sitting down in front of the screen, which of course is working wonders on my already outsized figure.
Then I spend the run-up to the deadlines in a furious panic attack, hyperventilating and typing like a lunatic. It's amazing that what I write makes sense half of the time. Strangely enough, in hindsight, the mad panic translations are usually better than the calm ones. However, I would prefer not to be shortening my lifespan with this stress and anxiety on a regular basis.
Please be very harsh with the penance so that I can atone properly for my sin and start anew. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

O Waffle,
Sorry this is an anon one too.
As they all seem to tread the same path.
But I have got over the young one (as I confessed in previous confessionals; he just seems so YOUNG) and am currently battling a flirtation with a 20 years older surveyor at work. Actually not battling, I just enjoy watching him squim and look out for me when he comes in or out of the building.

Or tells me how much money he has over the kettle.

Would be fine if he wasn't married but he is, so game over.

Anonymous said...

So the overweight one got married (me) and we had a bloody ball however, I know I didn't make any effort with the guests I couldn't be arsed with (some coming from Australia - OH's family) and danced the night away to all the old skool house classics that I had chosen not giving a shite that half the guests thought they were shite.

I got really pissed off with the tight bastards that didn't give us a wedding gift and yet came and ate our food and drank our drink - bastards!

We went to the Maldives on honeymoon for a week leaving our 2.5 yo at home and loads of other mums I know exclaimed that they didn't think they could leave their children for more than 1 night. This didn't make me feel at all guilty I just thought 'you bunch of losers'. In my defence I did cry when I said goodbye to her before we left for the airport but once I got to the mac counter at duty free she was just a distant memory.

We are skint, so skint that it motivated me to toilet train said daughter to save cost of nappies! So instead of buying groceries this week I decided I really needed some Shiseido face cream instead. We will now have to freezer fish till payday!

Some extended family I didn’t invite to the wedding have slagged off the wedding pics they saw on facebook. I intend to exact my revenge when I next bump into them and it will involve telling them they are a load of faked tanned orange pikeys who need to get their roots done and take their Lizzie Dukes out of their ears before their lobes become as saggy as their tits.

Right where’s the Bombay sapphire.

Kippaxlady said...

Sorry I don't know why I posted anon, I've just put my hand on my crotch and found my virtual bollocks - now where is my gin! Sorry must stop swearing - mouth like a sewer!