Sample conversations in which I have participated today:
X: When will the fun start? When???? TELL ME WHEN.
Y: You're asking the wrong person. I spent all morning crying in the ladies. But I did call your fun customer service helpline. Apparently your fun is defective and has had to go back to the manufacturer. It should be returned during your next lifetime. Or the one after.
X: You know what's wrong with today? We spent Earth Hour watching Extreme Fishing with Robson Green. Our karma is fucked.
Y: Greenpeace will send a hemp wearing, macrobiotic ninja DEATH SQUAD for us.
X: Shall we just cancel today?
Y: Ok. Meet me behind the shed in an hour. I'll bring a couple of trashy novels, a portable hammock and Stohrer macaroons.
X: Is it ok if I bring a goat?
Y: It's not ok if you don't bring a goat.
X: Why do grown ups not get upset? Why don't you cry when something hurts?
Y: .......... Well.. Maybe we've had more things happen to us, so we know the difference between something really really hurting and just hurting a little bit? I've told you - the tetanus jab is just a tiny scratch.
X: What will you give me if it isn't just a tiny scratch?
Y: Er, five euros?
X: Ok. What are you really really scared of?
Y (thinks, but does not say: DEATH): I don't like it when the dentist has to do something really big. Those needles are enormous. I did once cry at the dentist. I had my eyes closed and I heard the nurse say "that's a huge needle!" and I opened my eyes and there was this, this SWORD coming towards me. I cried then.
Y: Then what?
X: Then I had to let him get on with it.
X: Can I have a dog of my own?
X: I might be meeting a gentleman at the weekend. I hope he likes snot and cellulite.
Y: I'm sure he loves 'em.
X: Gets off on them. I wonder if there's a special pervsite devoted to snot and cellulite? Because I would be DA BOMB this week.
Y: I bet there is.
X: You're probably right. The world is a dark and terrifying place. Retreat! Retreat to the snail shells!
Y: Yes. RETREAT. I am moving my antennae elegantly in a backwards motion.
You get the picture. Shall we just watch a tragic, animated insect love story instead?
I will be back tomorrow. I am trying to go to bed before it IS tomorrow for once.