Monday, 22 February 2010

Surprise test - the return

Right, I only have half an hour before I make like the young people and go out to see a popular music combo. Nevertheless, I'm conscious daily posting has slipped somewhat recently and I like daily posting, so we'll just have to see what I can come up with in this half hour, whilst simultaneously fretting about coats (I need one, it's raining and it's February but then what do you do with it? An old lady concern, I know), and whether there will be anything but beer to drink and the like.

So. I think the only thing we really have time for today is a SURPRISE TEST. Intérro surprise! Close your browsers and get your pens out. Round One today, maybe further rounds later in the week.

Answer THREE of the following questions. Show your working.

1. Would you rather have your face eaten deferentially by a weepette, have your shins kicked with extreme prejudice by Dr Capybara, or suffer galloping blue waffle infection? Why?

2. How would you cure bloating in an albino clawed toad (as frequently requested by keyword searchers arriving at these pages)?

3. Attempt to suck your cheeks in as far as this man. Take a photograph of the result. Attempt to recreate in words the sound made when he sucks his cheeks in this far.

4. Create an ice cream flavour that exactly represents the town you live in (eg Brussels might be Jupiler chicory chunk).

5. What kind of animal would you call Huguette?

6. Who would you include in the Belgian government if it was your turn to run the country? You may include as many non-Belgians as you find amusing.

7. Is there any substitute for peas?

8. Provide one piece of advice given to you by a member of your family that you find either useful or ridiculous.

There. Marks and scoring and probable ridicule tomorrow.


katyboo1 said...

My aunt's only piece of advice as I left for university was 'never boil eggs in your kettle.' I never have, and things have turned out surprisingly well all things considering. enjoy getting down with the young things.

Jane said...

Henley on Thames = Careful Vanilla (small).

A Woman Of No Importance said...

My mother always said about the detail of things, a smear on clean windows, for example, "A man on a galloping horse'll never notice!"

I've yet to meet that man... Sigh! x

Betty M said...

4. Crouch End - Hummous in a pitta cone.
5. Gerbil
7. peas are foolish. go beans.

Happy Frog and I said...

Q2. How would you cure bloating in an albino clawed toad?
A. I should imagine Activia should sort out a bit of bloating in your toad. Though Froggy says a small bit of salt and some antibiotics would work better.

Q4. Create an ice cream flavour that exactly represents the town you live in;
A. Reading = cookie, sunflower and pale ale ice cream. (The 3Bs)

Q7. Is there any substitute for peas?
A. Yes, chocolate, red wine and chocolate.

Sarah L. said...

2. In albino homo sapiens, bloating is often caused by constipation, the cure for which is to eat fruit. So, for frogs, fruit flies.

5. Pygmy hippo, of course.

7. Ditto for what Frog&I said

Bonus points?

8. From my sister: "wear a thong" (which is both useful and ridiculous)

Bryony said...

6.Plastic Bertrand is due a comeback

8. My mother (when I was 8) "do not play with the gas cooker or we will all wake up dead"

M. said...

2. Epsom salts bath. If it works for my water logged thighs, it will work for the albino clawed toad.

4. Edinburgh : Buckfast sorbet with a yeast ripple and caramellized king rib praline

8. "You have to enjoy life because YOU COULD DIE. ANY MINUTE. YOU COULD BE DEAD." - Sister.

SAB said...

2. Midol

4. Chicago: Stuffed crust italian beef with relish, pickles, tomatoes, mustard and celery salt. NO KETCHUP.

5. My sister's best friend's 50 lb cat.

7. Green beans?

8. "Don't over do it!" in relation to any event I attend that involves alcohol. Both useful and ridiculous.

Fat Controller said...

1. I’d rather have a slap across the belly with a wet kipper, thank you, if it’s all the same to you. If forced, I would go for a kick on the shins from Dr. Capybara. Capybaras have laughably little legs so hard can a cabybara kick really be?

2. A strict diet of charcoal biscuits. Preferably one with insults stamped on them (There you are, a new business opportunity and I’m handing it to you FREE!)

3. I have done so and the result is far from pretty. My appalling lack of knowledge and well-developed sense of good taste prevent me from posting either the photograph or the accompanying sound file in your comments box. Sorry.

4. Snow. Right now the only appropriate flavour for this town is snow flavour. Grey snow flavour.

5. A peccary of course. Silly question.

6. I think it really ought to consist of only Belgians. I suggest the following as they are only Belgians I know of: Hergé, Audrey Hepburn, Jacky Ickx, Hercule Poirot, Egide Walschaerts, Eddy Merckx, Jaques Tits, Georges Simenon, King Leopold III, Alfred Belpaire and The Singing Nun in goal.

7. Lobster Thermidor. At a pinch.

8. “Don’t cross your eyes or one day the wind will change and you’ll stay like that”. I leave this to the reader to judge whether this piece of advice from my mother is sound or just mental.

Z said...

1 The weepette, undoubtedly. Dr C is a filthy beast who probably carries infection in his claws and blue waffle doesn't go with my eyes. Being eaten by a weepette would be a charming way to die, and I would have the satisfaction of providing nourishment to another animal; more pleasing than merely feeding worms. Of course, most dogs don't literally break the skin and only snuffle and nuzzle lovingly at one's face. I would do it right back, sniffing the ears in doglike manner. And when it comes down to it, tougher dogs have accepted me as Pack Leader and a weepette is no match for me.

2 Probably swallowed too much air. A sharp pin should do the trick.

8 When visiting Brussels in early December, my mother advised me to take plenty of warm clothes. "They don't call them the Low Countries for nothing." I had no idea what she meant, but she was absolutely right. I had to keep going to the cinema to warm up a bit. And I found a lovely tea shop where we each drank a whole potful of tea and ate roast beef and salad open sandwiches. But it was bloody cold outside.

Alison Waller said...

7. Frozen broad beans - like peas, they taste better from the freezer than from my garden.

8. My mother once told me to check that I had my shoes on before I went out. Sound advice.

Anonymous said...

8. Just about every piece of parenting advice I've gotten, but"sleep when the baby sleeps" was the least helpful - useful if I was trained as a Navy SEAL or a narcoleptic and could just close my eyes and go to sleep at the drop of a hat and feel rested in short bursts. Ridiculous because then when would I eat, pee, have a shower, etc. etc. Ha!

philb said...

Q2. How would you cure bloating in an albino clawed toad (as frequently requested by keyword searchers arriving at these pages)?

A. Paint it brown, cut its claws and convince it through hypnotherapy it’s a frog; thus it is no longer a bloated Albino clawed toad.

Q5. What kind of animal would you call Huguette?

A. Hugh Grant’s daughter.

Q6. Who would you include in the Belgian government if it was your turn to run the country? You may include as many non-Belgians as you find amusing.

A. Replace the current liberal, humanoid democracy with an authoritarian, animal-based military Junta, chaired by General Weepette; chief advisers to be recruited from the (seemingly extensive) pool of Ucclian reptiles. The monarchy, however, should be preserved, though obviously you will replace the current monarch - Queen Waffle I, princes Fingers & Lashes. I would apply for the post of Special Advisor to the Military for Trucking & Motorbikes. Might my application be looked upon favourably, do you think?

Jaywalker said...

Pre-marking comments:

I commend your selection of both dead and fictitious people, Fat Controller. Being dead or made up should not preclude them from being in government. This may also apply to Plastic Bertrand, Bryony. Who knows?

SAB - That is a hell of an ice cream.

Philb You will not get more marks by sucking up. I am not even sure I am marking myself. I might outsource.

WrathofDawn said...

3. Attempt to suck your cheeks in as far as this man.

A. That is no man. That is me. I am AFFRONTED!

5. What kind of animal would you call Huguette?

A. The hippopotamus I got for Christmas.

8. Provide one piece of advice given to you by a member of your family that you find either useful or ridiculous.

A. My mother taught me to never leave the house without carfare (which is what she insisted on calling busfare for 40 years after the street cars were no more) and change for a phone call. Which, when she was telling me this, required 35¢ CDN.

I fear one would be sadly disappointed if this were their fallback plan today, as a) you'd be short $2.15 for bus fare and b) since the advent of mobile phones, good luck finding a pay phone, although 35¢ would still fund a call should you find one. So, basically good advice, but only if you factor in inflation.

Artichoke Queen said...

4. San Francisco Ice Cream: Bacon, arugula, and zinfandel. Note: this would probably actually sell. We have a freaky (and very good) ice cream shop here that regularly sells out of Jesus Juice sorbet (you MJ fans should know just what that is -- red wine and coca cola).

5. The denizens of Jersey Shore refer to themselves as Guidos and Guidettes, so I am thinking that the residents of some enormously fat city should be Huguettes. Houston, perhaps? It is the fattest city in America (and therefore the world), after all.

7. Fava beans. And a nice Chianti, if you are particularly peckish, or feeling angry.

Fat Controller said...

What fictitious people? Hercule Poirot is real. I saw him on the telly only the other night.

Anonymous said...

1. Blue waffle infection, because I got to hold hands with my inked up kid. Very sweet!

2. Reduce the toad’s salt intake.

3. I can’t take a photo of myself like this but the sound I made doing it is the sound my dog makes while licking his ass. Not hot in any way.

4. My town tastes like authentic Mexican food, dirty coins, spilled beer and perfume you’ve accidentally sprayed in your mouth ice cream. (Reno, Nevada, USA)

5. I don’t know what a Huguette is but I’ll say rat terrier.

6. Wavy Gravy (aka Hugh Romney).

7. A proper substitute for peas might be a bean of some kind. An acceptable substitute is chocolate.

8. My mother’s advice to me recently: “Schedule oil changes because I know how horrible you are about maintaining your vehicles and that Jeep has to last you at least 6 years while you are paying it off.” In front of my coworkers. Yeah, great, and thanks for the condescending tone too, mom.


Anonymous said...

I just realized that I was only supposed to answer three of the questions. Epic fail. Sorry.


Margaret said...

1. Galloping blue waffle infection because it’s the only one that can probably be cured with a course of antibiotics.

2. A diuretic--Pamprin, maybe?

3. I cannot compete with cheek guy.

4. New York-flavored ice cream: durian. It’s delicious, but it smells bad. Real bad.

5. Huguette: a chubby whippet

6. Stealing from Fat Controller: Hercule Poirot. Also, Eliot Spitzer, former attorney general of New York State. Hercule would solve the crimes; Eliott would prosecute them. After, they would go out and get a bunch of hookers on the Belgian taxpayer’s dime.

7. Peas = yuck.

8. Useful: Cream the butter and sugar for at least 10 minutes. Ridiculous: You should believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.

P.S. Bryony: Plastic Betrand made me guffaw.

WrathofDawn: My mom would call that Mad Money. (So you can get home when your date gets mad because you won't put out. She's from the 50s.)

Margaret said...

Oops, I was too drunk to read directions closely. Please don't dock me points for overanswering. Which, yes, is so a word.

Bath bun said...

So jealous - colleague is still smiling from last nights gig. She said it was total feel good. You should have made me go - I was a bit slow on the uptake on the tram.

katyboo1 said...

Flavour of ice cream for Glenfield - brown envelopes and Elnette.

Can you tell I have been thinking about this all night?

Dig said...

Clermont Ferrand: used tyre smoothered in manure served on a sugar cone.

Replace peas? I couldn't.

Advice: "if you 'assume' something, you'll just make an ass out of 'u' and me." Most useful.

frau antje said...

3. Too distracted by the Vanessa Redgrave courtsey (is that how you spell it? I am the Afrikaans of your official verbiage). Does it ruin the joke if they have to hold you up? Wonder how her knees are doing?

4. Boerenkool rookworst swirl.

8. My brother suggested that the appropriate answer to the question, "Do you support the overthrow of the government by force or subversion?" is subversion. Unfortunately, he refuses to advise me on how to be utterly clueless to the needs and maintenance of those around one, it's a gift.

Did not show work, as I was expecting to get bonus points by sucking up.

Anonymous said...

4. Brussels - salty fried speculoos and potato ice-cream with carbonnade sauce in a redtape and bribes cone.

6. Antoine of the frites. Eddie Izzard. Sue Perkins. Gordon Ramsay. Napoleon. Good Junk Food, Intelligent Humour, Rudeness and good food, and a good organiser and we need another waterloo.

7. NO. Give Peas A Chance.

kcm said...

OK here goes ...

Q4. Ice Cream.
For Ealing: kabanos & pistachio curry.
the kabanos recognise the Polish community, the curry our Indian community and the (green) pistachio the trees in London's allegedly greenest borough.

Q7. Peas?
No there is no substitute for use in a pea-shooter. Peas are the correct combination of size, weight and hardness.

Q8. Advice.
From my father when I was 17 or 18 (ie 1968-9-ish: "I don't care what you do as long as you don't have any bastards". In just those words; I'm still dining out on it!

everythings_rosie said...

4. Leicester - red Leicester cheese, pork pies, Walkers crisps (a ploughman's ice cream in effect, I guess).

8. Mum - "never trust a Scorpio woman". I don't even really believe in astrology and yet whenever I have a fall-out / to-do / tiff with a woman, I always check her star sign. It's a 1/12 chance of them being a Scorpio but when they are...ooh... Pathetic.

awhirlinlondon said...

Too easy!! Whirled peas. You're supposed to visualize it, apparently.

Viz advice - a favourite saying of my father's that I've found very valuable when I can remember it: "It doesn't matter what you say; what matters is what they hear."

To "A Woman of No Importance": how wonderful! My mother's version was quite the opposite: "God is in the details." No smears allowed. (Good thing she lives 6,000 miles away.)

Jaywalker said...

Katyboo - You only answered 2 questions, but your icecream flavour is excellent. 12/20

Jane - Made me laugh, but again, poor response rate. What happened? You ran out of time? Tsk. 7/20

Woman - I think the horse would have to be travelling at warp speed through this house not to notice.

Betty - Excellent first 2 answers, particularly the ice cream. But beans? With pasta and lardons? Really? Hmm. 11/20

Happy Frog A very impressive toad bloating answer. Gross ice cream, but that's Reading's fault, not yours. Good answer to question 7. 15/20

Sarah L - A very workmanlike set of responses. could have docked a point for copying Frog on Qu7, but since the answer was wine and chocolate, I won't. 14/20

Bryony - I have checked, he is still alive and occasionally participates in reality tv shows. Perfect candidate. 13/20

M - boak boak boak ice cream brilliance. 15/20

SAB - See, I'm still not convinced by green beans, because the frozen version so soggy. Edamame maybe? Good ice cream. 13/20.

Fat Controller
1. Good point
2. What do you want, bonus points? Tsk.
3. Boooooo.
4. Let me never buy an icecream in your town
5. Good choice.
6. Brilliant
7. Interesting
8. Surely this ranks up there with 'because I say so' in the canon of maternal classics?

However you answered too many questions. 2 points knocked off, leaving you with 14/20

Z - Ooooh, but would you dare put the pin in? Like in James Herriott books with sheep. 15/20.

Alison - I like the sound of your mother. You are one question short however. 9/20 .

Philb - I'm not at all sure about the toad answer. The rest are thorough, but I am deducting 2 marks for sucking up. 12/20.

WoD - Your mother's advice is excellent. And what fine cheekbones you have! 10/20

AQ -
5. Hmmm.
7. What are fava beans anyway? Are they broad beans?

Candace - The bit about the dog ass/cheek sucking made me nauseous again, the ice cream flavour is sheer brilliance, you are the closest to being right on Huguette (who is in fact a Cairn Terrier) and your mum is mean. 18/20. Oh, but you answered too many questions. 16/20

Margaret - 10 minutes creaming and Eliot Spitzer running Belgium. Brilliant. Telling me not to dock points: unforgiveable. 16/20.

Dig - mmmmm tasty icecream. The advice frightens me. 13/20

Frau Antje - Do you have a government yet? Boerenkool. Brrrrrrr. No, no extra sucking up marks. Where was the sucking up anyway? Good advice from your brother though. 12/20

Anon - red tape cone! I love. Your government might just work. 14/20

Kcm - No, I can see that (the peas). But in pasta? Props for having a 19th century paterfamilias. 12/20

Everything's Rosie - Scorpio Woman! It sounds like an Eastern European soft rock hit. 10/20

A whirl in London - I don't think you really answered the questions and I'm getting headachy from all this marking. Good advice answer, but only 8/20.

Ouf. Finished.

WrathofDawn said...

@ Margaret - I remember my mother calling it Mad Money, too, now that you mention it.

10/20 - Je suis mortifié. ENCORE.

Will there be a make up test?

Jaywalker said...

WoD - This is French marking. Harsh French marking. 10/20 is pretty good. And yes, maybe we should have a make up test. Sounds fun.

M. said...

What the f... If I bring this grade home to my mother she will ask me "Et les autres ils ont eu combien?" and then I will have to say "Well, most got under 14" and then she will say "Et quelqu'un a eu 16 ou plus?" and I will say "Euh, oui, une ou deux personnes" and she will say "Et pas toi?" and I will say "Mais non tu vois bien j'ai eu 15" and then she will say "Pourquoi tu n'as pas eu 16 tu n'as pas fait d'effort" and I will say "Mais 15, c'est une bonne note" and she will say "Pas aussi bonne que 16" and give me THE LOOK I will DIE A LITTLE BIT INSIDE.

AQ said...

Fava beans come in a big fat pod, about 6 inches long, with about 5 beans to a pod, and the inner bean needs slipping out of the skin once cooked. They are *delicious* in pasta, especially with lardons.

I am not sure if they have a different name in England, they are fève in French, though.

Happy Frog and I said...

Thank you very much, that was a lovely score to come home to after a tough couple of days travelling! :-)

Jaywalker said...

Putain, M, assume un peu. 15 c'est une excellente note. Maman fera avec.

Margaret said...

M., bring your test over to my house after school and I'll change the mark for you. Then we can smoke a bowl and watch tv before my mom gets home from work.

frau antje said...

So I am covered in harsh French marks again, what else is new? I will look back and imagine them to be much higher anyway.

And YES, no government yet. Throw that in my face.

M. said...

Margaret, I'd love to come over, but my mom would never let me because you are a "bad influence". Also, she thinks you have poor telephone manners, and she suspects you of smoking opium. She thinks it highly likely you come from a "broken family".

Margaret said...

M.: Hmm, interesting. I overheard my mother on the phone saying your father spends an awful lot of time working late with his secretary and that your mother orders vodka by the case from a liquor store in the next town. Keep in mind that I know college boys with driver's licenses. I'm just saying.

M. said...

Ahahhahahahahhahahha Margaret! You don't know how right you are about everything but the vodka. In any case, you and your college boys are welcome any time for dinner, as long as you comb your hair. You will even think my mother is great (she will offer to hem your trousers and give you chocolate cake for breakfast) which will make me sullen and resentful.