Tuesday, 9 February 2010

New Bed

My new bed arrived! The big, beautiful womblike bed I have been waiting for since October.


This bed.



Fantastic news!


Oh.

Hang on.





What, seriously?






It would seem so.




I have none of that shit on your drawing, Habitat. It's science fiction to me. I have a thing called a ratchet screwdriver that I can't operate, and a hammer.




Hmm. Let's look closer.







Really, Habitat? No scissors, Stanley knives, sharp cutting things? How would you like me to open the box? Shall I stroke it open? Tickle it? Use interpretative dance to terrify it open? Also, in what way is an umbrella a good illustration of a thing that is fragile? Next time, use a DikDik. They're prettier and way more breakable.


I opt for trying to rip the box open with my hands. It hurts. I find this in the box:






Those smug little bastard men, just like the Ikea ones. Two of you fuckers? In overalls? 1-2 hours? What the fuck is this bed, the Large Hadron Collider? Note the reddish smear. That is blood. I cut myself OPENING THE BOX. Does this tell you everything you need to know about whether I am qualified - me and my twin, in or out of overalls - to build a flat pack? I think it does. I bleed on one of the side panels, and have to try and rub it off. Out of the corner of my eye I read on the leaflet "If your piece of furniture becomes stained DO NOT try to rub. Dab clean with a damp cloth". Fuck you, Habitat.


I empty the box, just to see what's in there. Pieces of bed lie everywhere, taunting me. The most appealing thing in the room is suddenly the empty box. I have never seen a box this large. The obvious thing to do is to get into the box.



It really is an exceptionally roomy box. Definitely a two person box. A double box, if you will.


I arrange myself like a 15th century stone nobleman on a tomb in York Minster. It is very restful.




There is plenty of room for the faithful hound to curl up at my feet in the box tomb, in authentic fifteenth century style. Mystifyingly, the faithful hound prefers the mattress.




Note that I STRIPPED THE BED. I truly believed I was sleeping in my new bed tonight. I had picked out clean sheets and everything.



I snuggle deeper into my box, making a pillow out of polystyrene film.




I think I might just stay in my cardboard sarcophagus until, say, May. That seems the safest solution. Just wake me up when I'm solvent and sane and the sun has come out. Ok?

29 comments:

Artichoke Queen said...

Hmmmm, I really like that grey sweater dress you're rocking today. Perhaps we should just focus on that?

GhtoPrincess said...

I wish I'd have been smart enough to just go with sleeping in the box when I recently put my Ikea bed together - ALONE.

I don't know what that thing was possibly made of - it being from Ikea and all, but I was wheezing and sweating by the end of it and I was STILL missing a piece.

philb said...

Waiting until Saturday's not an option then?

In an earlier life I owned some cardboard furniture; a table and two chairs in fact, so kipping down in an executive cardboard box for the night doesn't seem so odd to me.

Jules said...

Just be careful you tell the spawn where you are before you bed down for the night. Cautionary tale follows:
Two of my children were playing happily in and out of cardboard boxes - I think they were aged 4 and 2 at the time.
The oldest one decided the youngest one could do with some air holes in his cardboard home, so punched some in the top of the box using a pencil.
Unfortunately the 2 year old's head was right underneath the cardboard lid.
Cue streaming blood and mass hysteria at the sight of the perfectly round pencil hole in his scalp.

Margaret said...

That sure is a pretty bed. What would I do? Double over the quilt to give yourself extra padding for sleeping in the box.

Em said...

Yes, I like your dress too. And the picture of your new bed looks sleek and shiny. I say curl up with the picture and wait...

That is what the boxes of my new bookshelves are doing. Waiting. On top of the boxes of books. Which have been in boxes since 2004.

I really like your dress.

Em said...

How is your Fab Queen Fab coming along? Or have you spread her on toast?

Anonymous said...

They didn't tell you it required assembly?? Oughta be against the law. Find a really good-looking mec with tools....

Mrs Trefusis... said...

You need Dougie Houser MF (master of flatpack)

the polish chick said...

i find getting drunk helps when putting together ikea furniture. perhaps habitat only requires a better class of liquor. best of luck.

justmeagain said...

EXACTLY what Mrs Trefusis said.....and thought that before I read her comment. Get him over to visit....he will sort

Anonymous said...

WAFFLEMERE.

I worry you will surely do yourself an injury. Shall I just book the eurostar now and put you out of your misery? I think this time we will have a 2 day workshop on 'my ratchet screwdriver and me' otherwise i shall keep having to come to Belgium to build furniture FOREVER (which seems to be honest as good a reason as any...)

I hope your wounds aren't as bad as ikeanam - that would be horrendous. Xxx

Anonymous said...

the umbrella means: don't get wet.

Anonymous said...

Sigh. Honestly.

Four months and I'm guessing thousands of Euros to sleep in a cardboard box! The New Normal, indeed!

I second the Polish Chick, pour yourself a drink and then get a friend and have at it.

As a heads up, I have one of these flat-pak nightmare Scandinavian beds and I can tell you from experience in moving house that you should use a marker to make your own legend on the inside of the bed-workings (the panels that you can't see from the outside) to mark up what goes where. When you take it apart to move it someday, you won't have those charming and easy-to-follow directions (nor those two little cover-all clad bastards) to guide you in putting it back together again.

Anon C/Kalgon

jenn said...

Jeez, not only does it say "two people - YES" in pictogram form, it explicitly disapproves "one person - NO." Why you be hatin' on the singles, Habitat? Why can't they just BE?

At least they seem cool on same sex pairing.

(I also covet your dress. Smashing!)

theundergroundrestaurant said...

LOL. Just goes to show, no point buying presents, the kids just play with the box.

dragondays said...

If Dougie isn't available instantly I suggest you get a few girlfriends round to put your bed together - my experience of men putting together flat pack is they huff and puff, shout at everyone and then throw down their tools saying that they cannot work in such a mess.
The pictograms on instructions should be of women not men - Ikeawomen/Habitatwomen are legion.

Z said...

Oh, what a shame I'm not in Belgium. I enjoy putting together flatpack furniture.

Actually, I'm not allowed to kneel at present. Or bend more than 90º. Or twist.

Just as well I'm not in Belgium then. Sorry.

Chantal said...

If it makes you feel any better, when I moved I bought a CAST IRON bed from Ikea and had to make it up in my newly single person's flat, alone. I was nearly crushed to death many times but I didn't let the bed of doom defeat me - I actually love it now.

I will love it a lot less when I have to dismantle/remantle it again in a couple of weeks though when I move again. Shackass.

Ms. Scotch said...

I'm a fan of calling over someone (preferably male and good looking, with a healthy dose of tolerance) to put the bed together while you drink alcohol and offer sage bits of useless advice. It worked well for me when the Boyfriend Scotch and I decided that we absolutely NEEDED that new bed from Ikea...

bevchen said...

You have my sympathies... I remember putting my bed together. And I'm moving soon, which means dismantling it. It won't fit down the 3 flights of stairs otherwise...

Anonymous said...

Lady, I don't know you, but you crack my ass up :)

Hire people to build your bed and then sleep on it, it looks so nice and cozy.

Léonie said...

This is a brilliant post. My cat loves sleeping in boxes, so I can totally see the appeal. Love the dress. xx

Welsh Girl said...

Flatpack hell. The source of all evil and you are in a dantean box of it. I wish you luck, minimum blood loss and the suggestion that a mattress on the floor is a charming and faintly Japanese look that could work well...

Anonymous said...

Your post made me laff, and reaffirm my hatred of flatpack forever more. Also every time I move house the removal bloke comments on how completely crap my IKEA mattress is, usually after it's collapsed all over the floor as he lifts it. And no I'm not giving him a hand!

Provincial Lady said...

Dear Waffle are you lost inside that giant box? Hardly fair of me to ask, as I have lurked for MONTHS without commenting, but I do miss it when you don't post!

Andi said...

Clearly you were supposed to use a wine glass and an umbrella to open the box...

Beatrice said...

Hell, i'd sue Habitat for the pictogram. 2=good, 1=no use.
Fascists!!!!

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