Friday, 5 February 2010

Modern life is lovely

There are so many reasons why living in the age of the internet is awesomely wonderful. In recent weeks, I would particularly single out the following (and thank you to those who provided some of them):

Single Ladies dance tutorials (these got me through the low points of Christmas)

Evil seagulls (not suitable for those of a sensitive disposition, or pig lovers)

Owl in a fridge (the almost-worthy successor to Owl In A Box)

A DikDik with no sense of personal space.

And last night, in a blaze of feathery, dairy glory, Butter German Shepherd.

The City Road noted, very perceptively, that it looks oddly like Lionel Richie. Especially Lionel Richie sculpted by the blind chick in the video for 'Hello' (also available to you thanks to the awesomeness of being alive in 2010)

As a result, and in a fit of ill-judged enthusiasm I have agreed to sculpt Queen Fabiola, the Belgian queen mother, in butter. She of the unfeasibly high Mekon forehead and giant cloud of purple hair.

Look, here she is:

I think hair accounts for approximately 63% of her by volume and weight.

It might take me a while. So far I have managed this:

I will post the finished masterpiece later. My blood alcohol level is too low for this degree of creativity.

I need all the ridiculousness the internet has to offer. I am headachy and self-loathing and unproductive in all fields but cupcake eating. Some stupidly expensive tickets I should never have bought have been misdelivered meaning that I can't fucking well resell them. So that's cough-nearly three hundred quid-cough worth of my own idiocy staring me in the face. No, please don't tell me what I could have bought with this money, I am suffering enough. Instead, I am telling myself I have bought a valuable lesson about not being a total dickhead. Self-knowledge is, after all, a prize beyond rubies. Or something. This Saturday will be tinged with regret that Cruel Tea can't go to this mad event at Liberty - we applied, but the short notice and our being several hundred miles apart has prevented it. Shame, since it sounds potentially very hilarious. If anyone goes along, can they tell me about it? Ah well, at least it is 2010 and I can sulkily watch DVDs in bed tonight with a vodka tonic rather than throwing myself under the wheels of a train. And the children can play Nintendo rather than hanging themselves in cupboards because they are "too menny".

Right, I am going to stop whining and try and hack a path through the piles of strip cartoons, dinosaur magnets and baking supplies to the kitchen. Let's reconvene later for sophisticated butter sculpture.


Helen Brocklebank said...

Time to put Jude the Obscure behind you, even as oblique reference. I prescribe the entire Molesworth oeuvre and some asterix too (in English) and maybe a dog eared secondhand copy of shirley conran's Lace

Actually, this could be a genius new business venture; literary therapy. Name your dis-ease, we prescribe a read.

Artichoke Queen said...

OMG Stalin! Can't wait can't wait can't wait!! *little jumps of excitement*

Lisa-Marie said...

Have you also looked at or The are both quite laughter giving!

Ilove the webtubes!

the polish chick said...

productivity in the cupcake eating department is something too many aim for and sadly fail to achieve, so kudos to you.

WV: heneoryl - what i would name my flaxen-haired daughter if i were a viking queen (and had a flaxen-haired daughter)

M. said...

Yesterday I saw a pigeon who looked like a seagull. I tried to take a picture for you but he pointed at me menacingly and said "You better watch yourself, girlfriend". I walked away. Slowly.

Em said...

Oh my, oh my. I can't get past the queen's head. I mean Your Queen, the Belgian Queen. Oh my. She has such volume on the top of her head. What a head. Oh my.

I think you've captured her perfectly.

J. said...

Your mention of Lionel Ritchie made me think of this, from Craig's List Chicago:

I am looking for a replica of the bust made in the Lionel Richie "Hello" video.

However I'd like it to be bald as I intend to recreate that lovable afromullet with some sort of cream cheese dip at parties. Not that I have many parties, but if I had this, I might start. I'd like it to be maybe about a foot tall. It really has to look like that bust (which oddly enough doesn't look like Lionel Richie at all) or it won't be worth it. Hopefully it can be the same orangish-brown matte finish that is in the video but I understand making it safe for a cheesy-afro might lead to some compromises.

Please email me with a bid including a breakdown the cost of supplies and labor. I can also exchange for computer repair (mac/pc, virus/malware repair, etc) or maybe a 12" G4 iBook,

Thank you to Curtis for informing me that terracotta would not be a good choice for a food-safe sculpture.
Take care.

zhige73 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.