Thursday, 25 February 2010


Reports of my recovery were greatly exaggerated to the point of demented optimism. Admittedly this is partly my own fault for frolicking out last night feeling "Better! Totally better!" and having 2 (Belgian) margaritas and a heap of (Belgian) tortilla chips for dinner, then having to set off at 7 for the airport. Please PLEASE fix the Eurostar because I can neither afford, nor cope with Zaventem International Flughafen or whatever the fuck they are calling it now. It will never have the sheen of glamour that international travel should have for me, not since a particularly searing day some years ago spent collecting and transporting several boxes of scraps of oil stained paper from the truculent workmen in the Sabena workshop for a court case. (REMINDER/HEALTH WARNING: the law is NOT like Damages).

So. I am sick as a dog. But it is still lovely to be here, and if I am dying of self-pity, it seems fitting that I should do it here so I can have my ashes scattered in Liberty's Hall of Japanese three armed garment weirdness. And nothing gets you over your puny poorliness quicker than being with someone who is properly ill and bearing it very magnificently (do join me in a hearty Fuck Cancer, won't you?).

Instead of trying to form words and sentences, where there is only poorly, whiny crapness, today's blog search keyword search terms deserve some attention.

I am just going to just give you the full list, I can't even select any particular winners.

Blue Waffle infection picture
Blue waffle infection images
Dash tracksuits
Stepmom belgian fucks
Dead waffle M
A bigger pakka makka penis enlarge
Dirty blue waffle
Supplier for adritt carpet cleaner
Google type in blue waffle spider
What is a Belgian waffle
bee keeping in inner city allotments
Belgian wafflw
Personified waffle
People first language quiz
Pictures of the blue waffle infection
How do I protect myself from blue waffle
Beligan waffle
Real fucking Belgian waffles
Pics of the blue waffle infection
What is worse than blue waffle
Kate mara sexy
Look French
Waffle belgina
Best supermarket uccle
deepest Belgian waffle
I know you can... I move it... tonight yeh yeh lyric
Belgian feet

I mean, how do you select a winner from this list? I have a sneaking fondness for the starkness of "cake". Seriously, who goes to google and types "cake"? What ARE they looking for? Oh. People in India apparently. As a general rule, I find the more depraved and bizarre the keyword search, the more likely it is to have originated in Canada. Make of this what you will.

Answers, where possible below, but I am not answering any questions relating to blue waffle infection, which has come to dominate the keyword searches in a massively disturbing fashion. Indeed, it has become so self-referential that last week threw up "googling blue waffle and wishing you hadn't". Let this be a warning to you.

"What is a Belgian waffle"
Ah, poor innocent searcher, there is no such thing. There are Gaufres de Liège - dense, doughy, oval and sugar studded, can feed a family of four, cost 1 euro 50 from unscrupulous street corner pushers. There are also Gaufres de Bruxelles, which are grotesquely large aerated rectangles of dullness. Frankly, neither is up to much. May I recommend the 'Craquelin' instead, which as well as having a name that sounds like some kind of French pixie, is a deliciously sugary, slightly undercooked brioche, and much more the thing if you are looking for dough-based satisfaction.

"Beekeeping in inner city allottments"
What kind of a Hackney dwelling hipster do you take me for? I already thought my sister was taking the piss when she told me about the chicken keeping revolution in Britain. I still do, secretly. But bees? OUCH. Fuck off.

"Best supermarket Uccle"
They are all pretty dreadful. Not one of them could hold a candle to the lowliest Sainsburys (yeah, verily. Though possibly they may beat the nastier varieties of Tesco Metro). A filthy rumour circulated in Belgian women's magazines at one point that the Delhaize at Molière was a hotbed of desirable men. Either I am going to the wrong Delhaize or it was a cruel joke.

"Belgian feet"
I have not got close enough to any to give a qualified opinion. However I can tell you that most of the people on my tram route favour shoes that look as if they were dug up from an Iron Age settlement, given a cursory brush down, and worn on the morning commute.

A foetal position, accessorised with some gentle rocking, beckons. If you can shed any light on any other keywords, please, be my guest. Especially the spider one. Be gentle on me if you choose to focus on the Makka Pakka penis enlargement.


Anonymous said...

I have shown you a picture of Nelson the rapist cockerel. What more evidence do you need of the trend for chicken's in civilised society?


As for "Kate Mara Sexy" I can deal with thet right now - yes she is. Even without the O'. I feel she was at her best in Howard's Way, especially for a girl from Leicester.

That is all


Anonymous said...

I just had to check out "blue waffle" on google after that. You'll be overjoyed to learn (although you probably already know) that "waffle" is now a slang term for vagina. Gives a whole new meaning to your blog title.

(Didn't really clarify what blue waffle was though, as didn't want to click on the pictures).

the polish chick said...

i have often looked for a bigger pakka makka penis. and i am canadian. hm...

WrathofDawn said...

I shall have you know that "pakka makka" is a term of affection in Canadian. Just a harmless little inquiry is all. Right, Polish Chick?

Margaret said...

I thought you were joking about the chicken coop trend, but I opened this month's Martha Stewart Living to a random page and, lo, there it was in the Ask Martha column: "What are the basics of raising chickens?" Which, of course, Martha--or, rather, Martha's fanatically gifted research department--answered in great detail.

What is a Belgian margarita? It's got beer in it, doesn't it?

Em said...

I think you've outdone yourself in information overload. So much I don't know. So much I probably don't need to know... but still. Thank you.

Jenna said...

There is a Facebook group called "Googling 'blue waffle' then really wishing you didn't."

Sample quote:

"not good for the eyes. Mine are bleeding. And my soul is dead."

the polish chick said...

yes, jenna, but can it possibly be as soul-killingly bad as "two girls, one cup"? no, don't google it. please.

wrathofdawn, you are correct. it is nothing but a harmless little inquiry...ahem.

Julie said...

I feel intrusive, all barging in and whatnot, but I follow you on Twitter and noticed you spamming me with all sorts of interesting and sordid links that I didn't click on, though they gave me pause, I must confess.

Thought you might want to know, although perhaps the ire and rage of frustrated Waffle-followers hoping for some wicked and wild tale and finding it to be rather (forgive me) anticlimactic would have brought the matter to your attention.


indigo16 said...

Hey, back off the feet, I have those feet and let me tell you everytime I swaddle my feet in ancient Iron Age leather a little part of me dies inside.
As for the search definitions, too much information!

Lucy Fishwife said...

I also speak as a person of hideous foot (as we are known, by the PC lobby). When I was a student I shared with two girls who were doing English who decided I had Gothic feet - every now and then they would peer at me over their copies of "The Mysteries Of Udolpho" and look cryptic. Cows.

Anonymous said...

My corporate twitter account was also hacked and I sent lewd messages round all out clients, which was great. Now I have a fort-knox password, but if anyone sends you the link 'is this you' on twitter, do not click on it, it sends your password to some hacker in china. Sorry know this is not the place to discuss twitter.

Ami said...

So of course I had to Google blue waffle, and looked at the picture. It certainly makes one thankful for their . . . health.

Helena said...

Re: Beekeeping in innercity allotments - Brixton community garden offers courses in 'Practical Beekeeping'. It has become compulsory every time we walk past to express a preference for 'Impractical Beekeeping'and then wave your arms about yelling "I'm covered in beeeees".
We have very exciting lives around here.

Madame DeFarge said...

Quite fascinating how one finds one's way to greatness. And how different are Belgian feet from any other feet? We need an EU standard for such matters.

Jenna said...

A little zoo baby palate cleanser, after recent blue waffle trauma:

George Steward said...

I had my twitter account hacked. Apparently I clicked on some computer virus link earlier. Talking about penis enlargement I read one here on penis enlargement and self confidence . Might work, who knows. But I'm not trying. hahaha.

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