So. I am sick as a dog. But it is still lovely to be here, and if I am dying of self-pity, it seems fitting that I should do it here so I can have my ashes scattered in Liberty's Hall of Japanese three armed garment weirdness. And nothing gets you over your puny poorliness quicker than being with someone who is properly ill and bearing it very magnificently (do join me in a hearty Fuck Cancer, won't you?).
Instead of trying to form words and sentences, where there is only poorly, whiny crapness, today's blog search keyword search terms deserve some attention.
I am just going to just give you the full list, I can't even select any particular winners.
Blue Waffle infection picture
Blue waffle infection images
Stepmom belgian fucks
Dead waffle M
A bigger pakka makka penis enlarge
Dirty blue waffle
Supplier for adritt carpet cleaner
Google hammer.com type in blue waffle spider
What is a Belgian waffle
bee keeping in inner city allotments
People first language quiz
Pictures of the blue waffle infection
How do I protect myself from blue waffle
Real fucking Belgian waffles
Pics of the blue waffle infection
What is worse than blue waffle
Kate mara sexy
Best supermarket uccle
deepest Belgian waffle
I know you can... I move it... tonight yeh yeh lyric
I mean, how do you select a winner from this list? I have a sneaking fondness for the starkness of "cake". Seriously, who goes to google and types "cake"? What ARE they looking for? Oh. People in India apparently. As a general rule, I find the more depraved and bizarre the keyword search, the more likely it is to have originated in Canada. Make of this what you will.
Answers, where possible below, but I am not answering any questions relating to blue waffle infection, which has come to dominate the keyword searches in a massively disturbing fashion. Indeed, it has become so self-referential that last week threw up "googling blue waffle and wishing you hadn't". Let this be a warning to you.
"What is a Belgian waffle"
Ah, poor innocent searcher, there is no such thing. There are Gaufres de Liège - dense, doughy, oval and sugar studded, can feed a family of four, cost 1 euro 50 from unscrupulous street corner pushers. There are also Gaufres de Bruxelles, which are grotesquely large aerated rectangles of dullness. Frankly, neither is up to much. May I recommend the 'Craquelin' instead, which as well as having a name that sounds like some kind of French pixie, is a deliciously sugary, slightly undercooked brioche, and much more the thing if you are looking for dough-based satisfaction.
"Beekeeping in inner city allottments"
What kind of a Hackney dwelling hipster do you take me for? I already thought my sister was taking the piss when she told me about the chicken keeping revolution in Britain. I still do, secretly. But bees? OUCH. Fuck off.
"Best supermarket Uccle"
They are all pretty dreadful. Not one of them could hold a candle to the lowliest Sainsburys (yeah, verily. Though possibly they may beat the nastier varieties of Tesco Metro). A filthy rumour circulated in Belgian women's magazines at one point that the Delhaize at Molière was a hotbed of desirable men. Either I am going to the wrong Delhaize or it was a cruel joke.
I have not got close enough to any to give a qualified opinion. However I can tell you that most of the people on my tram route favour shoes that look as if they were dug up from an Iron Age settlement, given a cursory brush down, and worn on the morning commute.
A foetal position, accessorised with some gentle rocking, beckons. If you can shed any light on any other keywords, please, be my guest. Especially the spider one. Be gentle on me if you choose to focus on the Makka Pakka penis enlargement.