Monday, 15 February 2010

In which I fill in a form

The exceptionally considerate people at my insurance company are very anxious I shouldn't get bored, and have provided me with an interesting green form.

Figure 1: The green form.

The green form, which must be completed by, er, today on pain of losing all insurance coverage, relates to a minor accident in March 2007. The accident was so minor, I would describe it less as an accident, more as a minor falling over. The kind of thing that happens to me all the time. The full extent of this sorry tale, is that I fell over on the way to work and banged my arse so hard I couldn't sit down on arrival at the office. This brought with it several layers of humiliation - the discussion with the work doctor, the arse prodding, the arse xray, but worst of all was the initial few minutes when someone decided they should call the on-duty work first-aider. To look at my arse. Of course, the "accident" happened on a day when my female office mate, also a first-aider, was out. Instead I got some youth in his early twenties, who appeared diffidently in my office, looking just as mortified as I felt. I spared us both the agony of him trying to examine my broken arse by insisting, in a diva-like fashion, on the doctor being summoned.

Aaaaanyway. Some bastard insisted that since I fell on my arse on the way to work, it was officially a "workplace accident", a decision which has generated many reams of paperwork that I have strenuously ignored for the past 3 years. However, the green form just refuses to go away, so for your entertainment and my continued insurance cover, I have to fill it in.

Note, in Figure 1 above, that the green form helpfully suggests at section III, question 8, you might wish to append a diagram of the accident to your description. Quite right, Mutualité Neutre! I DO want to. Actually, I have three diagrams, then one more of my "lésions". Watch out.

First, an overview of the scene of The Incident, setting out some of the dangerous combination of factors leading to the accident.

Figure 2: Le Lieu

The green thing is a rabbit shaped fridge magnet. Oh, it's very high tech round here.

Further detail in Figures 3-5 for those too lazy to click on the picture and enlarge the details:

Figure 3

Figure 4:

Figure 5:

Figure 6: Les éléments contribuants

Figure 7: Close up detail of Figure 6

Figure 8: Le déroulement des faits (watch out, this bit is scary):

And finally, in Figure 9 details of "Les Lésions":

Are we all clear on all of that? Watertight, non? Or do you need me to do a photo-reenactment using Pokemon action figures?


philb said...

The only problem I see is that you might lose your 'no claims anus'. Other than that, crack on, so to speak.

Anonymous C/Kalgon said...

I suppose the only consolation here is that some insurance functionary will have toread about and then key into some databse all the relevant details of you falling on your arse. I hope he or she notes how excellent your pants were.

Anon C/Kalgon

Happy Frog and I said...

Such a shame the the bureaucracy of the accident is lingering on for so much longer than the initial pain. I love the diagrams though, I hope the insurance company appreciate the effort you have made!

littleanomaly said...

Please, PLEASE tell us you'll send that in!!! Unless of course, you've already promised to and my pregnant brain has already forgotten..

annie said...

okay, that is fantastic. especially the coffee preservation. no beverages are preserved when I fall, and often clothes must be discarded.

would you like to illustrate my office environment for the RSI paperwork required by my insane employer?

I am *not allowed* to submit 1. actual photographs and/or 2. measurements. must be handdrawn and "best guess" for distances.

strangely, my office environment illustration is overdue, to the frustration of the risk management folks.

I started an illustrative collage of fury, but got distracted by dark chocolate covered ginger, and now the CoF is all smeary and somehow the pasty smell has really been brought out by the chocolate gingery smears so it is overall wildly repellent such that I cannot discard it and am only prevented from sending it to risk management by how no-one will give me an interoffice envelope.

Fat Controller said...

What part of a rabbit's anatomy is that segment of fridge magnet supposed to represent? I have A-level Nuffield Biology and am conversant with how rabbits are constructed, inside and out. Are Belgian green rabbits different from the ordinary kind? From here it looks like a blob of green goo (or worse).

Em said...

The fact there was only 'light coffee spillage' is a triumph. I commend you. If I could insure you myself I would.

To drop one's coffee is a true pain in the arse.

Lisa-Marie said...

I have had no interwebs or 6 days, and have returned to this. It is awesome! I like the detail of your diagram. The brain is my favourite, perhaps because it resembles mine!

Provincial Lady said...

I hope you and all your friends are safe and well. XX

kathycastro said...

Those Sara Berman flares are adorable. Please tell me they survived intact?

You're gonna make some insurance drone's day with these illustrations.

Fat Controller said...

I have done the 'Light coffee spillage' thing, only with beer. Fell backwards off a chair and not a drop spilled.

lisa said...

yes. this is genius. especially love the brain.

i can't believe a company would actually want to claim responsibility for something that happened on the way to work. here in the usa they wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. they'd probably find a way to quietly let you go so as not to up the rates for everyone on their group insurance policy.

i'm moving to belgium. need a canadian roommate? je parle français! :-)

WrathofDawn said...

A bruised cocyx is nothing to sneeze at. Or with... ouch! I have had one and it is no fun.

Why yes, I'd LOVE to tell you how. I slipped on black ice next to my car and not only landed hard on my amply padded (but not amply enough to avoid injury) arse AND bruised both shins when they hit the underside of the open car door.

Full points for the minimal coffee spillage!

wv is pante - How apropos of this post.

Margaret said...

I knew a guy whose (alcoholic) uncle tripped, fell, and BROKE HIS ARM, yet did not spill his plastic cup of beer.

Severeal years ago, while on my lunch break from work, I fell on my face (no, your hands do not automatically go out to break your fall) and ended up with a broken nose and stitches and an ambulence ride through Manhattan, which is totally awesome when you're not dying of a heart attack or gunshot wound. The insurance company hounded me for years and years to fill out their stupid form for workman's comp. I finally scrawled across it "I AM CLUMSY AND TRIPPED ON MY STUPID POINTY CALVIN KLEIN SLINGBACKS ALL RIGHT?! IT'S NO ONE'S FAULT BY MY OWN! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

reen said...

This (while I really feel for your smashed coccyx - been there on a merry-go-round, it's misshapen now, no fun, bad times, and insurance is no more pleasant), made my day. The illustrations, I mean. Those are lovely pants. So glad you and your loved ones are okay today. XO

WV "euremp." I think that says it all.

frau antje said...

Is this to scale? Sadly, Pokemon reenactment is required.

Welsh Girl said...

If the insurers don't pay up don't despair. I suspect you could become the next big thing in the art world with your 'insurart'. Send a copy to Charles Saatchi asap.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand. Pokemon, please!

Anonymous said...

I just snorted tea down my nose. This made me laugh very much, thank you for cheering my afternoon.

Anonymous said...

I just snorted tea down my nose. This made me laugh very much, thank you for cheering my afternoon.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Ah, JW, how shall you feel when the claims to your blog start coming in, for snorting of hot enema coffee down nostrils... What will Dr Capybara say then, hein? Perhaps if he were to become the Claims Inspecteur Docteur then all would be sorted!

p.s. I love the little windy cloud and the drawing of you en air... Not sure if that's the correct French there, 'sorreey'. Hope your arse feels better soon x