Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Whining disguised as positivity

Sorry about yesterday. I was embroiled in a Lego pineapple. I will not go into it further on these pages, save to say that it took on a whooole, meta significance way beyond orange plastic Nickelodeon licensed cubes. I could write a whole fucking essay on the way the Lego pineapple is looming large in my psyche, but no, you are spared, I am just going to whine gently for a while.

It's Wednesday, my most hateful day of the week, when expectations are high and achievements negligible. When I am brought face to face with the fundamental incompatibility of:

1. Owning a young, bouncy weepette who would like to chase balls and frolic and having a fucked up knee, a job, the desire to escape to London as often as possible, and 2 small children who refuse to leave the house unless a trail of five euro notes and chocolate buttons is placed in front of them, and then whine until returned home. I should have got a retired, lame, greyhound. Or something with really short legs. Or a plant. A plastic one.

2. Me and patience/calm/efficiency. I give you my desk (aka the kitchen table):



(For anyone who followed the pineapple saga on Twitter last night, I feel compelled to tell you that I DID put the milk away. It's just come out again. Do you not love this attempt at standards from a woman with a used teabag sitting on an empty packet of icing sugar at stage left?)

The inside of my head feels much like the table looks. It's the 6th of January. Where did all that deluded resolve go? The minute the boys came back, I started to flounder. I really am fucking useless.


3. The Belgian education system and parental sanity. I particularly love the demented morning scavenger hunt for, this morning 11 euros in exact money, a themometer and a swimming hat. And the fact that Wednesday ends at 1. Oh, yeah, I love that. Yay! Yay for dragging children around on the sadistic public transport system to improving activities they view with about as much enthusiasm as a lovely spelling test!


I don't know. Wednesday makes me feel like everything is untenable. Like I'm hanging on by my dirty, ragged fingernails. Fuck off, Wednesday.


Anyway. I didn't come here to whine. Actually, that's a lie, I did. But! It's not all bad. Not even in January. Honest. (I am feeling a little bit defensive about my depressive reputation at the moment. I feel like one of those people who has to say 'it's just the shape of my mouth'. I think for me, it's just the shape of my writing.).

- The boys are doing ok. I have to remind myself what a short time it has been since I moved out, given how fantastically well they are coping. I feel wholly inadequate most of the time, but they seem calm, accepting, pretty content. They are lovely, funny, ok.

- The dog may cause me intense despair and self-loathing, but he does sleep on the end of my bed, faithful retainer style, only moving when I turn out the light to bury obediently under the covers to play hot water bottle. I like that. Until 5am when he wakes me up by staring at me from 2 millimetres away from my nose and whining inistently. No, we were being positive. Look, like this:



Also note that, whilst I still don't have a bed (yeah, Habitat, two months and counting), I do have a marvellously empty bedroom with lovely soft carpet over the lino of doom. I like my bedroom. It is empty and minimal and full of really soft pillows and it's all mine. Even the carpet is more comfortable than some beds I have known. And I can nest in there and watch Series 7 of 24 and drink builder's tea until the worst is over.

- I love my perch here, at the end of the kitchen table looking out at the snowy garden with my new, vast mug. I like the house, really. It needs some furniture, but I do like it. And I love the area, filled with sweet, sweet, shops. I don't even have to go in them. Indeed, the ING is most insistent that I don't go into them. Their mere existence cheers me. And there is Blokker, Belgium's answer to Woolworths, full of fantastic cheap tat. I love Blokker.

- I have plenty of fun planned when austerity January ends. Dog borstal is booked, tickets are printed. And actually, some sneaky fun planned during. Ssssh, don't tell the ING. It's our secret. The cash is in the teapot, they'll never take me alive.

What's keeping you going this month?

35 comments:

silent storyteller said...

Times are frustrating at 'Chez Silent' too... My tiny home has been invaded by foreign in-laws. My troops are ready to attack and reclaim territory but for the sake of my relationship with Mr. Silent, I have been temporarily exiled to the 'toilette'. I can cope with my incapacity of maintaining a space tidy... but other peoples mess drives me insane...What keeps me going...?? Knowing emigration won't allow them to stay in this country for much longer...; )

magpie said...

Mostly what is keeping me going is momentum, porrdige and black eyeliner.
Until today it was the promise of snow, but I should know by now that there is no such thing as proper snow in central London.

fountain pen sue said...

I am cleaning. Cleaning. Cleaning. Cleaning. The parental units are flying in at 5 tonight. I was hoping that the airport would stay closed for a few more hours, but no, the heedless fucking bastards opened this morning and the plane is due in at 10 to 5. I am up to my eyeballs in windowlene and bleach and I can't find the bastard hoover. Has anyone got a spare one? Also, the schools are closed the child requires feeding every five minutes. Mr FP is also here which is making me very angry. I have to go and find the hoover now and reimmerse myself in cleaning products. Fuck Wednesdays.

Ali said...

I am wading through the most tedious set of professional paperwork ever created.I will only benefit from doing it. It is to my detriment to avoid it and yet I procrastinate with all my might.
I just want to say that on the "desk" of putrescence there is a package of apples or something which is real live fresh fruit and scores you extra bonus functionality points. You shouldn't be so down on yourself. Organising fruit is spectacularly grown up and "together".
xx

MargotLeadbetter said...

Snow! I love the fucking snow! Normal service is currently suspended here: no one expects you to go to work, you can wear boots or wellies for any social occasions that haven't been cancelled (which is none! Yes!), and you can go about wearing a blanket, even outdoors. Snow is also an excellent form of free children's entertainment.

claire said...

Ahh,Blokker.I have such fond memories of ferreting around for cheap plates,one of which I still have years later.That was in Holland,always thought,perhaps wrongly that Blokker was a Dutch institution.What keeps me going?Trying to outwit the bloody jobcentre who insist that being the wrong side of 55 is not the reason I'm unemployed.We do this little dance together tiptoeing round the truth and it INFURIATES me.It's become a point of pride that I have the last word.Sad.

Anonymous said...

What is keeping me running is a Valentine's trip to Champagne with a new boyfriend (and the fact that he is driving so that I can bring back a variety of cases of bubbly). And, in the meantime, scotch and reading your blog.

-AmericanAnonyGay

Fabhat said...

I am trying to stay pregnant and not give birth for a few more days - and pretending I will do my tax return, oh yes and not going into the office again after today, as I am due in 4 days (it'll be late - surely) and blaaaah. But by the end of the month I will most likely be a sick covered, baby obsessed sleep deprived nutter, so I should really be grateful.

Stevey said...

The thought of getting back to my own house and space and life (chilly and problem-fraught though they may be) *was* keeping me going, but this bloody snow has thrown a beautifully crafted spanner in the works. The only thing between me and insanity for the present is a thin veil of denial...

livesbythewoods said...

Things keeping me going today:

1) Antibiotics. I can FEEL them fighting the many and varied infections in my chest. Soon the Black Lung will be vanquished. Sooooon.

2) Planet Rock on the radio in my study. Heavy rock all day, every day. Bloody marvellous.

3) Snow. About 8 inches of it arrived overnight, finally, making West Wiltshire look like Narnia with added twinkly icing sugar. And as I am at home (see No. 1 above) I don't have to try and drive about in it.

4) My new scanner. A fabulous Christmas gift from Mr WithaY, I have been rediscovering old photos and laughing a lot.

5) Facebook. I know it's not as cool and sexy as Twitter, but it means I can talk to my friends and family without going out in the snow.

6) Satsumas. Mmmmmm, vitamin C.

HelenSparkles said...

Ali, I am doing the same thing, also hampered by fact that snowed in & therefore having to do such paperwork at home where other things invite procrastination....

soleils said...

Hot coffee. Baking for my boys. And for me. A bit.
The thought that I am, in the scheme of things, very fortunate.

WrathofDawn said...

I do not know what's keeping me going. I have not enough money, a house that badly needs renovations, and TEH HEADCOLD OF DOOM, and yet I am in a very calm, contented place mentally.

Perhaps it's just the lack of oxygen.

philb said...

Raw, barenaked cash is what gets me through January. I owe certain amounts to the taxman and the VATman, and they aren't known for their patience. If I don't work I don't get paid; hence, I work.

January is an ugly month; a cold sore on the upper lip of life. I think it was Shakespeare who wrote:

"January,
sick and tired you've been hanging on me
"

I think only he could massage a couplet's Iambic pentamater to such affect and still produce a rhyme like that.

Red Shoes said...

I am staggering under tremendous weight of old work not completed and new, crazyhuge amounts of new work. There are times when I just want to lay under my desk and cry. Mostly, I take naps. It is the wrong way to deal with it. This week, it has gotten better for m to focus on the fact that if I can get it under control, my annual income will increase by 35% in 4 months and almost double by next year. IF I can get it under control. Which means, I simply must. Right? I simply must. *sigh*

Red Shoes said...

p.s. the bedroom looks blissful. truly.

Jon said...

Me? I'm doing a teetotal january. In true irish might-be-a-bit-too-fond-of-the-stuff stylie. Of course, its only reprobates like me that ever have to do shit like this....to prove to themselves that their not in fact an alcoholic. normal people DO NOT do this. But then, normal leave the pub when I choose to stay. They do not crack into another bottle of wine when the first bottle has finished either. Anyway, this is keeping me going. I can console myself with the thought that I'm being a good boy for a change. Still, only january the 6th eh.

The Jules said...

Is the driver of that little Lego car a member of the Klu Klux Klan?

Sorry, is that even more of a downer?

soleils said...

Also, sales shopping online. Delivered to my door, returned a couple of days later, no crowds, just that buzz on delivery, and then refunds that please me no end. I do have my taxes to cough up by the end of this wretched month, so this fantasy shopping is a little bit like cheating fate... Taxman, I KNOW I have to be sensible, but I have another 3 weeks of pretending I am not.

Jaywalker said...

Dude, that's Patrick the halfwitted starfish. How can you NOT KNOW. I am jealous.

Anonymous said...

Big Duvets, Happy Memories, Alchohol.

sally3195 said...

God. So far, January is not really holding up to my demands of MUST BE BETTER THAN LAST YEAR. Things keeping me going:
1) The fact that my current temporary job OF DOOM has an end date, and I can count down the days, makes it sort of bearable. We are not thinking about what happens after that in terms of, for instance, rent-paying.
2) My best friend's houseful of brand new baby kittens. KITTENS!
3) Erm... gin?

katyboo1 said...

oddly it's beetroot and feta cheese. The last time I had cravings for beetroot and feta cheese i was pregnant with child one. Not sure what is going on, but it feels ominous.

Lisa-Marie said...

I find you not in the least depressing. I think you are honest and witty. People who think otherwise are what we in Scotland like to call 'bawbags'.

I am organising and tidying and nesting, because I like doing it(If i was doing it because I had to, Id give up immediately. I am allowed, even though we are uber-poor, to make myself a we craft area(I am currently looking for a desk for it). I like my job, and my husband is lovely. This is what make January ok.

Betty M said...

The fact that some day soon my children will stop joining us in bed every single goddamn night surely, please god.

I want a better photo of the pineapple which in that table still life looks like a drunk, camp Dalek.

frau antje said...

Not the snow. Having been raised in a desert, I really didn't need the spouse to lose a house key in it to put me off.

After coveting a playmobil knight templar at the grocery store (next to Blokker), I am happy to hear that that was just Patrick.

Z said...

Keeping me going? The prospect of getting my leg cut off and stuck back with Lego inserted. If my hospital appointment tomorrow, put off because of snow three weeks ago, is postponed again because of more snow, I shall cry big frozen tears.

If you don't want Oscar, I'll have him.

Jaywalker said...

I think he would be happier with you Z. I am CRAP. But you would appear also to have broken limbs. Maybe he can pull both of us around in a bath chair? That would ensure he gets sufficient exercise.

the polish chick said...

what is keeping me going? shock, mainly. i feel i ought to be feeling stuff but alas, i do not. perhaps because i tend to feel too much all the bloody time and so when things get broken, shock sets in. good shock, keep at it. one more day of being normal at work, smiling at people and putting them at ease, and then in the afternoon i can fall spectacularly apart, drink myself into a puddle and slit my wrists in the tub. just kidding on that last bit. sort of. fuck.

Jaywalker said...

Polish Chick, I am fretting about you. How does one get in touch with you? There's nothing on your blog. I am going over there to leave mother hen comments anyway. I hope you are ok. Stupid thing to say, really but you know what I mean. xxxx

kathycastro said...

Laziness is about all that is keeping me going. That and the thought of looking better when I'm done with this diet. Other than that, despair has pretty much moved its ass right in, put its feet up on the coffee table and demanded I make it a martini.

Polish Chick, is there anything we can do? Perhaps send you pictures of cake? http://www.twitpic.com/x02n8

But Waffle, if I lived in the Salmon Palace, what would be keeping me going would be Tattinger, chocolate buttons and Nutella...

Anonymous said...

Happy Christmas, New Year etc. blah blah - I feel very unfestive.

I am ignoring Jan entirely, apart from my birthday at the end of it, when I want (stamps foot) a great big do and everyone to profess huge surprise at my age, marvelling that I'm not just out of my teens.
Life is crap at the moment. Nothing good to say apart from my nails are perfect.

Fran

the polish chick said...

waffle, i would like to be reachable by email on my blog, but not in the sense of giving out my address to every staggering lunatic out there. how does one do it? you did it. i don't know how.

things are marginally better but still rather fucky. thank you for your concern. it really helps.

Jaywalker said...

Polish Chick - I am accessible to any loon who wishes to contact me through that address on the front page - but if you don't want that, then email me so I can fret about you properly by email. Glad it's marginallly less terrible xxxx

the polish chick said...

ok, jaywalker, i have surmounted great technical difficulties and added my email address to my profile. feel free to contact me since for reasons i cannot discuss (this means i don't really understand the whole thing and am unwilling to learn) i don't want to use the mac mail that my clicking on your email entails. i am sure there are ways around this but...oh fuck, i am dumb and easily confused and i don't want to give up my gmail. does ANY of this make sense? do i sound better? yes, yes i do. but still drop me a note, please. i am loving this whole e-community thing.