Sunday, 3 January 2010

Wardrobe Hell

CAUTION: This post contains image that some viewers may find disturbing. In fact, I think the post should probably be called 'Single Woman's Social Suicide'. No matter. It can't be worse than the time I took pictures of my gigantic nostrils, right?

As trailered earlier, I have been sorting out boxes of clothes to be disposed of in the deepest, darkest landfill, or sold to the monstrously gullible on Ebay. I have cherry-picked two of my favourite outfits to showcase for your delectation .

Preliminary notes: please note the inclusion of the orange - more peach, perhaps on reflection? - towelling bathroom curtains previously discussed on these pages. Lovely. Also, the bathroom mirror is weirdly split, giving rise to even more psychedelic images than otherwise necessary. Read on at your peril.


Outfit 1: I am a hot-shot lawyer, and also wish I was Katherine Hepburn.



It's, so, so, um, BEIGE.

And wide. So, so wide:


About five feet wide. And flat. Made out of cardboard. I had three or four suits exactly like this in my full time lawyering days and I thought I was unspeakably chic and minimal. They are Margaret Fucking Howell. They should look ok. And yet, they look like shit. It's a gift, really it is. Aim for Katherine Hepburn, get John Inman.

And what lies beneath that deliciously buttoned up exterior? Why, an ill-fitting, hip widening white shirt!



Going through my wardrobe, I discover that white shirts catch my eye frequently, and always look like crap on me. The crème de la crème of ill-fitting, unflattering shirts is here:




What could be lovelier than that attractively gaping and drooping chest detail? Nothing. Nothing at all. I think we should LOOK CLOSER (this is not suitable for younger viewers. Or any viewers with an over-developed aesthetic sense):



Oh man. Could it possibly get any worse than that? Maybe!

I bring you:


Outfit 2: The martian emperor comes in peace.




There is some semblance of a back story to this. Well, sort of. It doesn't excuse the outfit. Whatever. I was pregnant and working in Brentford, a jolly, nauseated train journey from Waterloo away. Every day, I would walk across Waterloo bridge whilst a lady walked in the other direction. She was one of those Design Museum curator, gallery owner, sculptress types. Very strong features, and immaculately draped in peculiar pleated things. I was drawn, like a moth to a flame, to her pleats. I wanted to be edgy, and geometric, and austere. 'Perfect for pregnancy!' I thought to myself in my hormone addled, diseased brain. And off I went to Pleats Please to commit fashion suicide. The dress on its own, might not have been too bad. I actually wore the dress, I recall. Perhaps neither wisely, nor well, but I did wear it. However the jacket. Oh, the jacket. What the FUCK was I thinking?

Check out those sleeves.


I actually like this photo. The mirror thing definitely adds something. I almost wish I had the guts to go out wearing it, just once.


I am not sure the weepette agrees:


27 comments:

The City Road said...

One prediction to add to the list for upcoming year; self-pics will be ALL the rage.

You do need a better mirror though.

There is nothing wrong with that Margaret Howell except for the way you're standing, Waffle. And, it isn't wide in that first picture; you must have residual ana-vision. Full boyish look with 1/2 inch of cuff showing and Brooks Bros button down and these seriously preppy shoes.

Pleats Please dress IS rather lovely - perhaps just sell the jacket to the costume department of Dr Who?

Please do post the EBay links when the stuff is up, will follow the auctions with much interest (and fingers crossed you get decent money) x

Cakeface said...

Magnificent; you speak for all of us who mistakenly essayed the grown-up suit in the grown-up job.
(Although my 2001-edition green M+S one at least led me to be offered an upgrade on the flight to my new grown-up job in the US. Unfortunately, I was too nutjob anxious to accept a first class flight with Virgin, due to fear of changing my travel plans. And, um, I don't know if there is any moral that we can take away from that. At least your suits were designer. And eventually I learned to only wear black dresses for work.)

Lisa-Marie said...

Excellent post, bravo! Please post more!

This makes me feel much, much better about some of my fashion choices. Even quite recent ones. The best being a chunky knit cream jumper, which instead of making me look cosy and chic makes me size 18 frame look two sizes bigger(which I really don't need), and my breast area look like a giant tube.

Metropolitan Mum said...

I just finished de-cluttering my wardrobe. And now I truly have NOTHING to wear. There's just nothing left.

In your case, I would get rid of the nightmare in beige and the ill-fitting shirts. But keep the black dress and its jacket. Might come in handy when invited to a Star Trek themed party.

unexpectedtraveller said...

Oh dearest Waffle,

I could mumble all sorts of complimentary noises about the photos but I am afraid I will be identified as a sicko who lurks on the Internet looking for photos posted by the subjects and who describe themselves in unflattering terms. There are lots of those about.

Instead, being an Uccle-ois myself, I will focus my attention on the Drogenbos area and try to see if I can catch an identifiable glimpse of beige or black

The Unexpected Traveller

L. said...

Oh I expected much worse from the trailer.

The trouble with the suit jacket is that it does not have a waist, and you do. The pleats dress seems nice actually. However I gather you have no shortage of black dresses (there is no judgment in my tone; I envy your wardrobe) so if you don't love it then by all means do eBay it.

Jaywalker said...

Unexpected Traveller - Uccloise snobbery compels me to tell you I don't live in Drogenbos. but rather in the naice part near the Maison Communale where I can be seen muttering to myself and occasionally falling over, or emerging, screaming obscenitites, from the Belgacom shop. Sorry, as you were, I am apparently a raging Brussels snob.

kathycastro said...

Good Lord, look at Oscar! He has no ribs any more! He's the fattest Weepette on earth!!

magpie said...

hah, now I know I am some sort of weirdo from planet fashion because I actually think that jacket is quite good and I would be quite pleased if it was in my wardrobe. Although not with the dress.

emily said...

oh oh oh pleeeeeeeeease let us know your name on ebay when you upload?? I am deeply envious of all your lovely clothes and would like reassurance that occasionally you too get it wrong... and the chance to buy any non-hideous ones too of course!!

Mrs Trefusis... said...

I agree with City Road; keep the Pleats Please dress: it really works. Jacket? Nah.
I also once had a Margaret Howell suit in cream linen. I looked like Radclyffe Hall had been cast in Our Man in Havana

Jaywalker said...

Kathy - I KNOW. Fat, neurotic and peeing everywhere. Dog Borstal - even with foie gras - has broken him...

Jaywalker said...

City Road - why yes, I used to wear the suit with Joan & David shiny brown lace up brogues. I looked RIDICULOUS.

the polish chick said...

waffle, i am appalled. that suit does absolutely nothing for you and, if it weren't for the fact that i firmly believe throwing away useful stuff is a sin,* i would say burn it because that is all it deserves.

i have so far loved all of your beribboned frocks and grey blouses, have drooled over the little black numbers on your tiny frame, but that suit, that suit makes you look like...a large polish woman i happen to glimpse in the mirror all the bloody time. except without the overpowering, garlic-scented polish boobs.

love the strange black dress, however. (though not the jacket)

*second hand shops, ebay etc, that's ok. that's like the SPCA of objects - unloved by one, beloved by another.

the polish chick said...

oh, and the gaping white shirt? that is the fate of all my button-down shirts. apparently manufacturers of women's clothing have one of two models to go by - 12-year-old boy, or 200 lb matron. i am somewhere in between and am punished for my bosom with unattractively gaping shirts.

bastards.

Red Shoes said...

Please, please discard Issey Miyake in my direction or post link to ebay auction once available, again, please please as he is one of my favorites and I am not too embarrassed to wear that jacket, not at all, as I have no sense of self-censure, it is a problem.

Also, you are stupidly beautiful, even in too long suit jackets and badly gaping white blouses. Good grief, woman. Happy new year.

Margarita said...

The sharp shouldered jacket should definitely be worn with a pair of jeans, it's hip to be square now, as they say.

http://www.fabbrunette.com

katyboo1 said...

The suit is, well, a bit Bernard Matthews isn't it? You have a gorgeous shape but it manages to cunningly hide all of it. That's probably a skill.

I like the dress, sorry. Couldn't live with the jacket. Would be afeared of getting the pointy bits stuck in lift workings etc.

Hello Red Shoes btw.xx

Kim@EnjoyTheRide said...

This is my favourite blogpost of 2010. Hands down.

Heather said...

That jacket! I'm speechless. really.

Nellig said...

Yes! The beige suit must go. It's vicious. The Pleats Please dress is weirdly good, though.

I'm glad it's not just me who does this kind of thing. Sometime in the 90s I had a black suit tailored for me (cringe). I was going for Marlene Dietrich. It made me look like Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen's far less attractive younger brother. Or a very small Italian pouf. I never ever wore it, and before I eventually took it to Oxfam, years and years later, I snipped out my name (embroidered inside) so nobody would know what a bloody fool I'd been.

Sigh. Let us go forth and sin no more.

Iheartfashion said...

Is that the best you can do Waffle? I have far, far worse lurking in my closet. In fact I think I have your same boxy suit in a lime green pinstripe.

3limes said...

Well I actually love the Pleats Please, always have. Not that you can send it to me down here in the middle of Africa, but anyway...

reen said...

This is BRILLIANT. The pleated dress looks lovely on you actually, but really...what else could the lucky bidder possibly wear that jacket with?? I hope you'll humor us with more posts like this!

wv glatin: what I should eat less of to look more like you!

puncturedbicycle said...

I live in Brentford and I love it unreasonably and indulgently, like you might love a three-legged dog with wind, but it is a kind of suburban Royston Vasey and I can't imagine an urbane chicster like yourself clicking down our broken pavements in Miyake.

Uh, off-topic I know.

Good luck and best wishes for big eBay profits!

bevchen said...

The dress is ok but the jacket is truly awful.

Ladybird said...

It's way too late I'm sure but i like the dress and jacket and think you can rock them........however i confess to having an Issey or Juntya watanabe black silk pleated jackety type bullshit thing bought for wince.......sixteen hundred dollars in Saks when I was having IVF in New york and clearly out of my mind. Still has tags on.
You better speed up and write more cos I'm gaining on you.......