1. I threw away Lashes's triops. He thought they hadn't hatched, but when I came back home on Sunday, there they were, hatched, unfed, wriggling around in half a centimetre of fetid water feasting on their dead comrades. I just couldn't be arsed with them, so I threw them down the sink. Adieu, Triops, you creepy little bastards. I'm not even very sorry.
2. I used my iphone to excess whilst abroad over Christmas, particularly when drunk. The thought of the bill is keeping me awake at night. Because, obviously, it was totally essential that I communicate the minutiae of my frankly predictable evenings drinking to the world. Every night. Fuckwit.
3. I bought two dresses at the Maje outlet store in Paris and only confessed one to brain twin when quizzed. Like she's my bank manager or something. They are both black and broadly similar to many other dresses in my wardrobe. I bought the secret one for very specific nefarious reasons all my own. I bought loads of underwear and make up too, in a pre New Years Eve panic. Metallic violet eyeliner will doubtless stand me in good stead at the next State Aid study day I have to go to. Those events are HAWT. Please recall that I still have no furniture. Or an iron. Or anything remotely useful.
4. The Sadaharu Aoki salted caramel chocolate was ten euros a bar. I didn't care.
5. I bought thoughtless, anonymous, crappy, Christmas presents for nearly everyone, mostly on Christmas Eve. Some people just didn't even get presents. They will eventually but that doesn't make it right.
6. I let my children play far too much Nintendo DS. I make them turn the sound down, because the inane beeping of Super Mario Bros makes my parental guilt sensors vibrate.
7. I am doing really really badly at speaking English to the boys. They can't be arsed with English and I try to speak it, but when they act deaf or pretend not to understand, or make village idiot faces, I get irritable and switch to French. I have to do something about this. What if I end up with entirely French children? They will find Benny Hill amusing and have shit taste in music and wear their v neck navy cashmere jumpers over their shoulders. They will have big, well groomed hair and dance le rock n roll. I cannot let this happen.
8. My poorly knee is making me SO FUCKING ANGRY. I am shouty. I properly shouted at the dog today as he pulled me down the hill, wrenching my leg and making me slither on the ice. If we had been in England, someone would have called the RSPCA. Thank god we are in Belgium. Also, I cried walking to school this morning with the boys because it hurt so much and I hate crying in front of them. They have a hard enough time as it is at the moment without me going to pieces like a big baby about a sore knee. I remember finding it completely terrifying when my mum cried. Your parents are supposed to be superhuman, so you can settle back and concentrate on being a child. I don't think I am providing this service at the moment. Fucking knees. Stupid asshole design. Stupid Emma for not having the Kevorkian injections last January that were supposed to stop this happening.
9. I drove way too fast on Christmas morning to try and get back to Brussels. The road conditions were a bit shit, but the enormous, black, Teutonic hire car gave me vastly inflated delusions of my own roadworthiness.
10. I tried to turn the heating off while I was away, but given how warm it was when I got back, I don't think I managed. I can't work my own heating. Great.
11. Fingers has had a mullet for about a month now because I can't get my shit together to take him to the hairdressers. Thankfully that ends today.
12. I have the cultural awareness of a slug at the moment. I know nothing about film, tv, music. I have barely read for weeks.
Wow, that was easy. I obviously had a lot on my chest. Your turn, confess all. I'm not absolutely guaranteeing penance this month, because I might take too many Nurofen Plus and lose the will to type.