Friday, 1 January 2010

2010: Year of the Stoat

Happy New Year. Have a lovely year or the stoat gets it.

At some point this morning when there were only three of us left (we scared everyone else away with cackling, I fear), eating Crème de Marrons straight out of the tube, amidst the party wreckage, the air scented with charred meringue box after a small, ineffectually extinguished blaze, and with brain twin stroking a Karl Marx cushion, we thought we should do one of those "Hot in 2010" lists.

"Stoats" said M. "The stoat is definitely the animal of the year"

"The fuck? Stoats? Ok. Stoats it is. T?"

T was starting to drift.

"T??? Stay with us. What's your food prediction for 2010?"

"I hate all that shit"

"No, it doesn't have to be serious, come on, give us a prediction".

T looked dreamily into the middle distance. "Icing sugar" she said, with great finality.

"Excellent, see that wasn't hard, was it? Now, how about film?"

"Fuck, I know nothing about cinema".

"That hardly matters, does it?"

"Hmm, OK. A new school of cinema where instead of trying to emote with their Botox frozen faces, actresses use their breasts instead to convey emotion. It will be very popular with male cinema goers".

M is roused from stroking Karl Marx's beard. "The movement needs a name! L'Ecole Mammaire".

We continued in this vein for some time. I can't remember most of it, of course. I spent most of today wearing a piece of meringue prominently on my face. You can't expect coherence or any kind of recall from someone who wore a dessert for 15 of the last 24 hours .

Material of the year: corduroy. Retro, cosy, tactile, beloved of sartorially challenged men everywhere and cutting edge, laughable French youth.

Shoe of the year: the mocassin, a natural progression from 2009's loafer. Squashed, saggy, middle class dad moccassins will be having a moment in the limelight.

Vice of the year: secret shin kicking in public places.

Craft: Taxidermy. Ideally interpretative dance stoat taxidermy. Maybe human hair art as a sort of subsidiary underground movement. Hair coasters, hair ipod covers, hair hats.

Fashion prediction: lederhosen are due a revival. Wipe clean, warm, practical. Also food stains on clothing. I am adamant about this. It's been rumbling beneath the surface in certain parts of the Belgian scene for the last couple of years, but it's due a big moment.

Please fill in your predictions in the comments box - colour, sport, book, TV, holiday destination, celebrity, cocktail (Mrs Trefusis, this one is for you) whatever you feel qualified to opine on. Not music. We're just not going there again. Ever. Or the stoat and all its stoaty babies get it.


Johnners said...

Ooh, I like stoats, but prefer otters for some reason. Am either ahead of my time or hopelessly out of date. I can't think of any other trends as am stuck with small people in the backwater know as Hertfordshire, but do think that the human hair sculpture moment has come. Happy New Year! x

London City Mum said...

Voodoo dolls - preferably ones made by Cruel Tea.

In the shape of former colleagues who went by the nicknames of a) Smurf Witch, b) Chihuahua on Steroids, c) Personality Transplant, and d) Great Leader. And that's just for starters.

Pins extra. Or you could just beat them occasionally with corduroy wrapped joss sticks or similar.

Go forth and create!


Persephone said...

The craze of "twenty-ten" will be guys challenging each other to handbag duels. At dawn.

Word verification "excif" which I predict will be the chewing gum of the year.

The City Road said...


Fucking short-tailed weasels; short-dicked more like - they'd all end up as ermine stoles if I had my way.

*Flounces off*

The Weasel

Sarah L. said...

Aprons. With dirty words on them. I got one yesterday in the mail with "shut up" on it. The craze has moved across the water to take over the states.

katyboo1 said...

The mirkin is due for a resurgence, as is the ruff as a fashion accessory. In fact I predict a resurgence of the Elizabethan era including marzipan as currency.

smackcrumplebang said...

Hello Wafflemere, and indeed a very happy new decade to you (and to all of your disciples...)

I second katyboo and her top tip of merkins - they are defo coming back, katyboo must be in possession of some sort of all seeing eye, it is spooky. I know I shall be dusting mine off (merkin not all seeing eye) and giving it a damn good airing in the new year - after all, who said you had to have your downstairs the same colour as the upstairs eh eh? VIVE LA MERKOLUTION.

My personal nomination for mad-crazy-trend is going to be for... *casts around* probably - well hopefully - macaron, proper french ones. Having been deluged in the things over the festive period like a latter day Marie Antoinette, I have been able to eat them for BREAKFAST and have named myself Hampshires leading expert on Macaron. Ahem hem hem.

I want to see macaron VENERATED across the UK - they are tasty, decadent, colourful and french and you can get them in your mouth in one go, as with all the best things (including innuendos - which are also due a thorough comeback, at least onto the national curriculum) I also love the fact that you have to eat them as fast as possible before they solidify and become pretty but inedible, like penelope cruz's face.

So - Merkins, Macarons and Innuendos, ONWARD. x

Rusty Hoe said...

It has to be the codpiece. In these environmentally friendly times middle-aged men can't use their sports cars to compensate for their flagging phalice. So expect all manner of over inflated codpieces to be sported by the mid-life crisis set.

Soda and Candy said...

Is there any animal more British than the stoat?

I love it.

fourstar said...

Weird. I immediately thought 'merkins' last night but commenting didn't seem to work for me so I went to bed.

Up this morning and three other people have already gone for the resurgence of male and female groinal coverings.

So that, definitely. I'm going to have one made to match this wig...

Heather said...

Little corduroy suits for your pet stoat. Everyone will have a pet stoat in 2010. And a flying car. With corduroy interior, of course.

ha ha, and my word verification is bugger! Rude word verification will obviously be the new blog accessory in 2010.

truestarr said...

Cross out human hair as an underground movement, it's been done, in a manner of speaking. (you must glance at the "hair museum" in Avanos, Turkey...[ ] a very creepy yet somehow eccentric pastime for a local potter.)

the polish chick said...

morris dancing and jellied meats.

Jaywalker said...

Ah, Polish Chick. I knew I could rely on you. Can I delegate choosing 'ailment of the year' to you too?

M. said...

Ailment of the year will be stressczema, and also maybe cockstump. Though that may be more of a condition than an ailment.

westendmum said...

I predict reality weather presenting shows, Harris tweed T.shirts, celebrity beekeeping on inner city allotments in hot pants and Argyl socks.
Happy new year!
WEM xx

WrathofDawn said...

Interpretive dancing stoat taxidermy voodoo dolls.

Mark my word.

WrathofDawn said...

And merkins made from human hair. Along with self-flaggelation with stoat tails, which will create a black market in stoat tails and a Save the Stoats movement.

In fact, we will be encouraged to collect the whole set.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

J'adore les stoats, weasels, weaselly things, furry critters, ou est le Weepette?

Et macarons, definitely would love them to be adopted by les Brits... I've even heard of Starbucks doing them in NY, they're so populaire la bas! Bonne New Year la Wafflette x

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I AM A BIG FAN OF OCELOTS! Damn caps lock keeps stickinG FOR NO REASON (WTF?) Stoats are gooOD TOO.

Other things for 2010 (new batteries in keyboard!):

Clogs will be worn on the runway (the wooden kind that go with windmills and cheese)

Blue hair will be in.

Cheese will be the new health craze.

the polish chick said...

hemorrhoids. definitely hemorrhoids.

Sewmouse said...

Fluffy russian fur hats made from bamboo (Sustainable!)

Also, since the Baby Boomer's are now hitting Senior Citizenship - Glow-In-The-Dark Day-glo psychedelic dentures with blacklight tounge-rings.

Bungee-Nascar. Just when you think your team has won.. BOING!!! He's pulled back to the start again.

Disease: Hair-ache.

Cannot-do-without Luxury item: Fingernail IPOD - attaches just like regular false nails - but plays your favorite tunes (which shall NEVER be mentioned) when you put your finger in your ear and go "LA LA LA LA I can't hear you!!"

Pat in Belgium said... I should hang on to my hemorrhoids then?
Whew, just in the nick of time!

bevchen said...

That stoat is disturbing. It looks like it just ate someone!