Monday, 14 December 2009

W, 35 seeks M Okapi for BABIES

It's been whole days since I've been able to get my ruined, floury hands near a functioning keyboard, but I'm back at last and left it a full three seconds after getting back in the Salmon Palace to fondle my MacBook like the disgusting internet perv that I am. Much more important than identifying the source of the odd smell of fermentation. It's coming from the fruit bowl. What else do I need to know? Nothing.

A fuller account of Craftacular will follow, doubtless. There are photos and everything - check out our Flickr stream. I have more to add, though most of them are of fabulous Shoreditch types that amused us unreasonably; and of M and I gurning at each other during quiet patches in the afternoon (we had sold all the biscuits by 2). We had stupid, huge, hilarious fun and are hatching fantasy plans to run away from our real lives and live in a Craft Squat in London. We would have to eat each other after about a week given the financial viability of biscuit/cosy making as based on our sub-Apprentice performance, but no matter. As if I needed another reason to get wistful and torn about being away from London. Getting back on the train was as big a struggle as ever and the empty, fermented Salmon Palace, fond of it though I am, is no substitute for friends and family, and great grey grimy greasy London. (Have we been here before? A few million times in the last year, say? Repetitive, moi?)

The weekend was filled with wildlife. In the very early hours of Saturday morning quite mad with baking stress and white wine and laughing, I saw a beautiful, insouciant fox trotting down Portobello Road. Even the minicab driver was quite enchanted. There has been guinea pig fondling and discussion of broken depressive dogs. Saturday saw us making repeated trips up the aisle at Craftacular to check out the taxidermy stall which featured an oddly touching curled up squirrel in a box as well as a seriously disturbing lamb and a flattened road kill crow. Best of all, this morning in a totally unexpected and magical turn of events, I got to go to see a brand new BABY OKAPI at London Zoo. The baby okapi is so new and fragile and wibbly that we were the first people apart from the keepers to see it and I had to ask if it was ok to mention it here. And oh, baby okapi, but you were so charming that I am regretting only having human babies. Okapi babies are ACE. Not only are they on their feet within half an hour, after a couple of comically charming falls, they have amazing stripy marking from birth and huge disproportionate, fluffy ears. Oh, and they are entirely silent. Seriously, how much better than a human baby is that? I've known for many years I don't want any more children, but that was before I met okapi children. I have been obliged to reconsider my position, I mean, stripy arse, huge furry ears, virtually independent after half an hour. What's not to love?

So from now on, I am only dating okapis. It's ALL OKAPI, ALL THE TIME for the Waffle. Human F, 35, seeks fertile M Okapi, handy with hooves for patisserie purposes, happy to live in fantasy craft squat. Serious candidates only.

15 comments:

the polish chick said...

waffle, you wore lipstick! tres cool, i approve.

as for the okapi babies, having never birthed no babies myself, i can't pretend to be an expert, but i think those hooves coming out the wohoonie would surely be a bit uncomfortable. other than that, think of the savings in future unviversity tuition and you're almost guaranteed to never ever have to lend them your car.

Fat Controller said...

Taxidermy IS seriously disturbing.I remember seeing a display case at the railway station at Osnabrück (I think) where a local taxidermist was showing off his wares, including a mythical creature he had clearly created from assorted left-over body parts. Seriously strange.

Anonymous said...

those biscuits brought me enormous joy on a Monday morning before work. miraculous they are!

Chantal said...

Oh! It was SO lovely to meet you at Bust! Although I think I was a little star-struck. That or drunk on steampunk jewellery and felt fumes.

If I get lucky, I will have a pad just down the road in lovely Hackney. You know you would be welcome on my sofabed anytime.

xx

Betty M said...

Delurking to say I am cross to have missed the Craftacular. Is it ok to plagarise the biscuits or will you sue?
My only taxidermy experience is sending my trainee to Kingston to fetch a stuffed ferret (weasels being unavailable) for a client back in the days when City legal excess was permitted. It was cute in a grim way. On foxes my best fox spot was one crossing the road at the back of the Oxford Street John Lewis on a November Sunday afternoon.

Jaywalker said...

Oh yeah Betty, I'll totally sue. I am really buttoned down and efficient and good at protecting my interests, hem hem.

I was NEVER sent to get stuffed animals as a trainee and now I feel wronged and resentful.

Chantal - It was so lovely to meet you. The heady fumes of ironic hairstyle were quite overpowering, weren't they?

Anon - I am so happy. Arse!

FC - Disturbing and hilarious. And enjoying a major resurgence. My dad is totally cutting edge with his mothy owls if only he knew it.

Polish Chick - See? Even with the hoof problem you still come out on top. Okapis are the way forward.

Anonymous said...

Wow - pics look dead professional. Is it really you?
I love 'santa's not real' - geniusly mean.
Fran

London City Mum said...

I love the mean magnets, they are priceless. People in the office are looking at me in peculiar fashion whilst I snigger suspiciously at my pc. Fuck 'em.

Okapi all the way baby, am right up there with you on that one. Who needs nappies any more?

LCM x

Juci said...

Congrats on the success of the arse biscuits, plus it sounds like you had great fun, so it's an all-round win.
Regarding the baby okapi: yes, it's cute, but would you be ready to lick it clean after it's born? As seen
here
. (That female okapi has a seriously disturbing tongue.)

Jaywalker said...

Juci - Eh, it's only a bit of licking. The one we visited was being over groomed by its mother. They had to keep distracting her from manic over-grooming with hay. I would not be that mother.

Z said...

An okapi/Jaywalker cross - all the benefits of an okapi baby, but with opposable thumbs. Sounds like a winner to me.

Soda and Candy said...

Fantastic!!!

I love random,ly seeing unexpected wildlife!

Re: Okapi - adorable, but hooves out the bajingo sounds like a bad idea.

teddy said...

i had no idea what an okapi was, dumb urban oaf that i am - so i wiki'd them and lo and behold they are the only mammal that possesses the skill of licking their own face and ears clean. if you had an okapi-hybrid baby you wouldn't even need to carry wet wipes around! that is if they didn't inherit our comparatively measly, useless human tongue of course.

sara said...

1. I want one of everything at your table. Those biscuits are completely awesome, not to mention the tea cozy. And the APRONS! I want. I want.

2. Speaking of taxidermy - I recently took my five year old to a small western-themed souvenir shop that I was taken to when I was five years old. My intentions were benign, to be sure, but I was shocked when I saw the TWO-HEADED CALF that had been stuffed and mounted back in 1948 and placed "on display." Seems there was no other "appropriate" place in the state to display this and I had completely forgotten about the horrific experience of seeing the cow when I was a child. Apparently my subconscious decided to take us back to revisit the scene, only to scar MY child for the rest of HER life. Nice one, Mom.

You are on to something here JW. Seriously, you and M are geniuses, despite your attempt to convince your readers otherwise.

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