Friday, 4 December 2009

My brain is broken

This is an update on the "I am legendarily stupid" post of last year.

I am still legendarily stupid and I am going to tell you how, rather than getting on with sorting it all out.

1. Craftacular, 12 December

I have no boxes for the Cruel Tea arse biscuits. I have no ticket to go to London and none of my credit cards works to buy one. I have noone to look after the weepette.

2. Credit card

I haven't cancelled one of the cards that was nicked with my wallet. I hit an administrative wall, and I can't. Do. Any. More. Admin. This also extends to: not yet changing my billing address for any of my cards, sorting out my new ID card, getting a cleaner, speaking to the water people, paying the insurance, getting a new health insurance card/driving licence. I just can't do any more. I have admin burnout. This will all come back and bite me in the arse very very soon.

3. Child care

I am supposed to be going to Lydia's party tomorrow - hi Lydia! - and I haven't got a babysitter. Twenty four hours notice? In December? Fat chance.

4. Loon meds

I have run out of citalopram again. I could sort this out with a single phone call. I have not made the phone call. I have already got the tingling hands. Soon it'll be the dizziness. Great. So very clever.

5. Appliances

I still have no hoover or iron or any way to make coffee. I specially purchased economical white goods because you can get a 100 euro rebate from the federal government if you send them various pieces of paper. AS IF I will ever manage to do that. I mean, come ON. Apart from anything else, the dryer arrived looking like it had been mud wrestling other appliances, and without the vital A+ sticker on the side. I have done nothing about this, despite the fact I spend several thousand euros with these useless bastards on electrical shit. Oh, and I can't do a euro sign on this keyboard. I can see it, but what is the mac equivalent of alt gr? WHO KNOWS.

6. Christmas

Fuuuuuuck. I have no transport or dog care for Christmas either when I will mainly be in the UK with a ridiculous dash back to Brussels from 24-26th. I have not bought a single present. I have no particular belief I will buy any, apart from for the children. I have a bag of stocking fillers, but I will have to use them for the festival of that judgmental asshole, St Nicolas, this Sunday. St Nicolas, tu me casse les couilles (this useful French phrase means 'you are breaking my balls'. Take note, Fran). Seriously, you might as well just put me in your sack and kick me all the way to Spain. The ONLY thing, but the ONLY thing the spawn have asked for consistently is one of those eyeball balls. I cannot find a fucking eyeball ball, obviously. They are expecting the jolly man with the giant stick and the blacked up helpers to bring them one on Sunday.

Gah. Go on, berate me, or share your own shame. Whichever.


Anonymous said...

Eyeball balls in party shop ch de Charleroi. Or there was this summer anyway. I find it depressing that I know this.

Jaywalker said...

Extra stupidity - I didn't realise I had posted this by accident without finishing it. Ah well. Balloon shop, eh, Fran? Thank you. That is actually very useful.

Belle_Lulu said...

Joy. I think my claim to fucktardness is at least as well established as yours.

At least thanks to your post I now know why I have tingling hands and fainted at Waterloo in front of the nice man who was fining me money. Shame doesn't begin to cover it.

Can we please have an amnesty on Christmas this year? I am unable to compute it's impending doom. So far I have only purchased one gift for each of the Ds - a personalised letter from Pere Noel courtesy of the NSPCC (check out the interwebby if you can be arsed).

I am an official loser. Christmas is the rubber stamp of fucktardness. Hoorah.

Lisa-Marie said...

I do the posting without finishing things quite often! Damn blogger and it's two buttons!

I have not yet goteen any chrsitmas presents. My sister and I are exchanging ours tomorrow, and I hae nothing, and I've been asked to work today. On the upside, I'm getting her fiancee something from Hawkin's Bazaar, as I pass it on the way to the bus (I must leae an hour ealry as i get a bit occupied in there)
I'm supposed to be making hampers for everyone - I haven't started, and I have to give my bosses and thier children their presents next tuesday - after having been in Poland all weekend. I have to make stuff on monday and tuesday this week. And pack for Poland. Which I don't have a bag for yet.

My bank card still has my maiden nae on it, and me stuff from them still goes to my nana's house. I moved out 5 years ago!

I hope my ineptness makes you feel better, or at least that you aren't on your own!

redfox said...

No, surely there is no need to have purchased any Christmas presents already. If you are already stirring about thinking vaguely in a Christmas direction you are magnificently on top of things according to me.

Also, when you are specially failing to feel the holiday spirit, let me recommend to you my household's heartfelt hate for the season greeting: Merry (or Happy) Fuckwad. It makes me feel oddly better to say it, every time.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Redfox. Who the hell is even THINKING about christmas presents yet? Hell, I haven't even finished all my thank you for your wedding present cards. This is definitely an over achievers stupid list.

Anonymous said...

Last one was Fran.

Kelly said...

emergency comment from non commenter. Google 'eyeball ball' and ebay. and then get a coffee thing.

teddy said...

just reading that is making my latent (since i started uni) organizational skills itch with longing.
seriously hire a PA with OCD and you're sorted for life.
as for me i lied and told all my loved ones i bought them fabulous, mind blowing xmas presents - and now i have run out of money and the will to shop for anything other than plastic trinkets in poundland - probably wrapped in the one pound tin foil they do there as well.

Jaywalker said...

Kelly - I did that yesterday and was overwhelmed by the TOTAL EYEBALL EXPERIENCE that is the internet. There was a whole site devoted to them. Imagine! Also, credit card FAIL.

I might try the shop Fran suggests.

Teddy - If you would like an unpaid internship kicking my ass all the way across the salmon palace, you are hired. All the drooping vegetables you can eat.

karen said...

I have told the children that I am generously giving them my time this Christmas, and they may choose a board game each (that we already own) and wrap it up and I promise to play it with them. Because we're simplifying this year.

I'm not sure whether they believe me (in which case they are angel children) or not (in which case they are just assuming I'm talking crap as usual). I'm sure there'll be the last minute scramble when I can no longer avoid it all ...

Iheartfashion said...

Even thinking about Christmas presents puts you ahead of me.
And as for admin burnout, I hear you! I cannot bear to make one more phone call to confirm doctor appointments, insurance cards, or anything else. It's too much to bear. I can't even imagine what I'd do if I lost my wallet. I haven't a clue what's in there, but I'm sure it's vitally important.

Anonymous said...

It is sooooooooo comforting to know that other people - Belgian Waffle, for example - also suffer from the crippling inability to do admin-related tasks. It has taken such a weight off my mind!

I have ten years of filing under my bed(yes, under my bed) in assorted shoe-boxes and folders. It may take me another ten years to get my act together, buy a filing cabinet and go through all those documents. We did some refurbishment work on our flat last year and there are still some boxes that I haven't opened since.
I agree with the people that say it's way too early to be thinking about Christmas presents: I can't even face the thought of doing the decorations. If I had my way (I won't), I would leave them until Christmas Eve. However, I will probably be coerced into doing them this weekend.
Only getting gifts for children this year, it's far too much hassle to get something for everyone else.
Bon courage, try to at least cancel the credit card today. The rest can probably wait!

expateek said...

€ is alt 2 on a mac. Or my mac, anyway.

Chantal said...

I haven't got any presents either.

I say the best present is a bottle of Hendricks gin, several very cold mini cans of Schweppes Indian Tonic Water, and a few slices of lime. This would be a present to yourself, of course.

Btw, I was recently in Amsterdam with a friend of mine and St Nicolas was EVERYWHERE plus hundreds of (white) Dutch kids blacked up and dressed as Zwarte Piet. One went past us on a bicycle and stopped at a van to buy a waffle. I thought of you.

the polish chick said...

will you all pummel me with said wilted veg if i tell you we decided to forego christmas presents several years ago and that suddenly the season is joyous and fun? pummel away if it makes you feel better, i will give generously of myself to the internets.

although i am OCD-type organized, i have also hit several admin walls in my life and it frustrated the living fuck out of me because everyone expected the usual miss.on-top-of-it-all and what they got was a quivering mess of polishness. i got over it, though, through years of drinking too much.

ms. waffle, i am currently unemployed and would gladly move to the other side of the world to organize your life, however i doubt mister monkey would look favourably upon such an arrangement.

best of luck. you are beloved of us all just as you is.

WV - mufflopp (what you do at the end of a tough day when you collapse on the ektorp)

Margaret said...

Why are you people fretting over Christmas? It's only December 4, for the love of God! I won't even start thinking about panicking for another couple of weeks. So far, I have completed the following Christmas-related chores:

1. Taken down the boxes of decorations and stacked them in the living room.

Also, are you having to deal with Chanukah, too? Try your regular Christian holiday guilt combined with the additional burden of having to come up with eight clever little gifts for your beloved husband, then you can cry about being overwhelmed. (P.S. Seriously, though, it's one in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas.)

Rosie Redfield said...

Shift-option-2 should get you a Euro sign on a Mac, at least if it's using the 'American' key layout..

You can get to the 'keyboard viewer' by clicking on the little box that looks like a snowflake, up in the right corner beside the date/time info. Pressing 'shift' or 'option' or both shows you the different symbols you can get for whatever font you're using.

Rosie Redfield said...

Oh, and if there's no little 'snowflake' box up in the right corner, go to the Keyboard Preferences in the System Preferences (the icon that looks like gears), and check the box labeled 'Show Keyboard and Character Viewer in menu bar'.

Z said...

You'll get it all done. Tomorrow, cancel the credit card because that won't just bite your arse, it'll eat it and spit out the shit, right in your face. Then get your meds. None of the other admin matters until you're capable of sorting it.

I've given up on Christmas, mostly. Presents to nearest and, who choose their own and send me links to websites. Or my daughter in law buys the children stuff at car boot sales for me. Good luck with the eyeball ball, but if you can't get it for St Nick, then you've still got 3 weeks, and if you still can't then stuff it. It's a horrid little toy. It won't blight their lives not to get it.

Put yourself first. If you get happy, everything else will fall into place. You are all that matters, especially to your boys.

Grit said...

after a total meltdown of the mental variety i have to say that children come in very handy as admin assistants. provide them with a calendar of december, tell them to work it out, and they sit and write out what you have to do and by which date. i have truly appreciated this from my lying on the floor weeping position. (and you can console yourself they are also learning a new skill, so you win all round.)

Madame DeFarge said...

It is a very impressive list. Buy people white goods for Christmas. It'll make everyone very happy and boost the economy no end.

WrathofDawn said...

I, too, regularly shirk my personal admin duties. And I am an administrative assistant, so have absolutely no excuse for not being better organized.

I liked the cancel credit card/get meds suggestion. All else can wait.

wv - choprows: 1) the front of a boat built in the 'cho' stylee;
2) the rows of trees that have already been cut down; and,
3) the obvious cut lines in a brutally bad haircut.

Helena said...

Deary me, what would Dr Capybara say?
1) Get your meds. Right now, you massive numpty.
2) Let me know when you're coming to London and I'll sort your ticket.
3) Don't eat any turnips, especially elaborately prepared turnips.
4) What was the other stuff? Meh, fuck it. It'll be fine.

westendmum said...

It’s a pain in the arse biscuit not having a credit card this time of year, but every cloud must have a silver lining right - think of all the money you’re saving.

You could probably rock up to the window at the station and get a ticket before you get on the train.

Boring, boring change of address but you know where they’re going, right.

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job holding it together regardless of what’s not done, don't be so hard on yourself.

Ask someone to get you a coffee maker for Christmas.

Sort your medication out girl. Do it now!

WEM xx

pinolona said...

credit cards - oh gosh, my English bank has only just realised that I'm in Belgium and I can only use my card in Monte Paschi di Belgio or one of those other random Italian banks.

Worse, on online banking I can only reactivate it for tomorrow and I can't get through on customer services, they keep redirecting me.

And the fridge is almost empty: only half a cucumber, capers and vodka.

If you see some madwoman foraging from your bins, it's probably me...

3limes said...

Z is right. Sort out the meds, cancel that card. But also get the rest done instead of faffing about on the computer. You will feel so much better than you do right now when it is all done. Really. Nothing is worse than the guilt of a long list sitting on that table. So just do it. And Christmas? Everybody gets a book. Done.

Scott said...

If it helps, I too just blogged rather than grade papers, clean, shop, pay bills, etc.

Anonymous said...

Saw these moth patches on the Guardian website, thought you might find some use for them (hope the link works):) :

Rusty Hoe said...

Oh god "no way to make coffee" that is a tragedy not stupidity. I am the banshee of all banshees without coffee. Even small animals can sense me coming pre-coffee and run shrieking in terror.

My brainless is legendary in our home hence my current title of Rusty Hoe bestowed on me by my family as I am no longer the sharpest tool in the shed.

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