Sunday, 20 December 2009

Sorry sorry sorry

I'm assuming you'd rather have a post than a guilty silence as I fail to deal with present clinic? Right? If not, you may resume your position slumped in a corner of Sunday night and I will skulk away again.

I have not blogged for, oooh, days. What, FOUR days? This is most unusual. The OCD pockets of my mind are most displeased and whisper sermons of my inadequacy at me in the small hours. I must absolve myself, however, since it has been utter carnage. I have vague memories of drowning in a sea of unsatisfactory and impossible to complete admin. I remember blagging a hire car without the proper paperwork using the power of sheer embarassment and a light topcoat of cleavage. I distinctly remember being absolutely convinced my credit cards had been used fraudulently, only to discover they were just used - and abused - by me (and being galvanised by this discovery to actually sort out the various money making pieces of paper concealed amidst boxes of household detritus, thus proving that necessity truly is the mother of getting your fucking act together) . And the snow! Having testified to Czech colleague's "impeccable moral standing" on a peculiar Brussels road trip on Thursday, we came out of our fourth embassy of the day - me having sworn for the first time "on", or more accurately "about five feet and behind a perspex window from" the Bible - to whirling, mad snow. So beautiful until you are stuck cursing and weeping, on a steep, icy main road (just conceivably, possibly, because you may have your feet on both the brake and accelerator simultaneously. But probably nothing to do with that at ALL. Nope).

And now, after four or five minor miracles, the magical mystery ferry to Hull, and having only got stuck on the ice perhaps eight times, not all of which involved pedal stupidity, we have managed to reach York. Well, I am reliably informed that York is still out there, though apparently Barnitts is moving into the Minster, the only space now big enough to accommodate its collection of stuffed squirrels and mysterious cabling. I have spent the day finishing the pre-Christmas orders. Prog Rock was entirely unphased that I spent the day making arse biscuits, sitting companionably in the kitchen as I cut out row after row of "wank", telling me about 18th century religious movements on the east coast of America. He's learnt to be stoic. The Space Cadette has apparently taken to making her own soap. In a cagoule. And goggles. The combination of my sister and caustic soda is causing me no little anxiety (no to mention endless hilarity. Cagoule! Goggles! Space Cadette! I want pictures), but he floats above it all, a zen master with library privileges.

Tomorrow, however, I intend to force the spawn out for improving, Viking related pursuits. They could not be less enthusiastic if I had suggested spending the day choosing soft furnishings or going to a porcelain museum. But it's not York if you haven't poked a historical reenacter in the eye with his own broadsword. We will also: walk aimlessly around the town centre eating pastry products, stare in a bovine fashion at the people in Betty's and maybe buy an ornamental screwdriver holder in Barnitts. Because that, since time immemorial, is what we do.

I have to stop because Prog Rock has come back from the pub to tell me, entirely unsolicited, about Hans Kung, Gunther Grass and the Pope and whether observance of the seasons can replace the liturgical calendar. It's all go round here.

(I have not bought any Christmas presents. That's ok, right? Maybe I'll get my sister to make a batch of soap?)


Marinka said...

I feel the same way. I don't even feel like blogging. Thank goodness that I still feel like drinking.

Lisa-Marie said...

Don't be sorry! Do it when you want. My faourite thing when I haen't bought presents is to say they are ' ordered but not deliered yet'. Most people believe it!

Iheartfashion said...

I would think a batch of arse biscuits would be the perfect Christmas gift for anyone on your list! Why shop?

Liberty London Girl said...

missed two days of blogging this wk too. just didn't feel like it. Also: no presents due to fiscal crise. Re-gifting ahoy. LLGxx

Anne said...

Ooh, a trip to Jorvik, stinkily authentic (apart from the cart ride thingies) Jorvik? Plus an amble thro the Shambles? So jealous. If the spawn don't like it, I'll go.

Anne said...

PS I've a blog entry (including owning up to breaking promises to readers) that's been percolating for several months and has yet to make it online. You're doing just fine.

Tamara said...

I've just adapted this entry as a dramatic reading, delivered empathetically to my cats. I have been snowed in for two days. Bless you for this slice of life-outside-my-house.

Anonymous said...

today was supposed to be packing for fab holiday in new york with friends. maybe buying pressies perhaps cake making and the like.But no ,now I have to brave French admin lost credit cards ,amex, carte d'identite ,vitale etc if you knew the blob at the maire you too would be debating ,tea or whiskey or both.bah humbug !

Heather said...

sounds like a hell of a few days. i think you can be forgiven. Tis christmas after all

London City Mum said...

Vive l'anarchie!


p.s. tell everyone you gave funds for presents to a more deserving cause: the Cruel Tea sustainability account

Z said...

Necessity truly is the mother of getting your fucking act together is the story of my life. I'd just never put it that well before. I still have no sense of urgency, despite having written only one Christmas card (I think I did rather well there) and not having posted any presents. It'll be fine.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

For Chrimbo pressies, send goats to Africa (think of stroking their cashmere soft underbellies), hand-made soaps and arse-biscuits - Definitely! (Do you know my son (then v. small) wanted to call our then kitten 'Air Biscuit'!)

Enjoy York and the Jorvik, Wafflette - Mwah!

Anonymous said...

Oh, how I love your blog, and am grateful for every post, no matter how sporadic - thank you.

Margaret said...

Anonymous Going to NY: If it makes you feel better, the entire Eastern Seaboard just got clobbered with a snowstorm, it's cold as fuck in NYC, and the streets are an icy, unshoveled, slushy mess.

the polish chick said...

waffle, fuck the gifts, the rest of you fuck the cards, and make it out like it's all a spiritual journey of minimalism (sending goats to africa excluded (though i'd think wrapping a goat to mail would be more than a little difficult, not to mention costly and possibly even painful)).
i'm in the snowy wilds of western canada with a freezer full of smoked fish and several jars of home-canned plum butter and that's as far as my gift giving goes.

merry christmas to all and to all a good morning.

Anonymous said...

It not only has to be necessary, but really *I'm about to get arrested/deported/evicted/stoned/outed/shouted at by my mother* urgent before I get anything done.
Was wondering if you saw darling OJs musings on the crapititude of parents worldwide yesterday? I think he should have waited until just before Easter, but maybe now is just as good.
Hope you're all having a happy time.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry about it. It's only Christmas and there'll be another one along soon. I amsure they are less than 12 months apart these days. After god knows how many days of snow; after taking 4 hours to get 25 miles home from work today; after skidding gently for at least half of it I am a wreck. Please Nathan let Gatwick be open tomorrow long enough for me to get my flight away from all this.

Enjoy York. The spawn should love the Viking museum and the York Dungeon.

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