I believe some of you are so retrograde as to not waste whole swathes of your life writing 140 character messages. Those that do had a sneak preview of this, Christmas Eve night on a P&O Hull to Zeebrugge ferry.
Before you start trying to saw at your wrists with a blunt cheese knife from the Four Seasons self service buffet, please note the following:
As well they should. However, if you, emulating the Queen, loftily carry no cash with you, you will be unable to obtain said cocktails.
Our bemused but obliging Philippino crew will get you in the party mood:
Thrill as you attempt to explain cracker jokes to numerous people for whom English is not their first, or even second, language. After me: "c'est un jeu de mots". Repeat until your eyeballs start popping out.
The children will do their utmost to work themselves into a frenzy of excitement despite unpromising material to hand:
Falling into a fitful sleep around 11 after what appears to be an eternity of guinea pig special agents, only to wake hourly loudly proclaiming it to be morning every hour between midnight at 6 am.
After a night of this, you will feel something like this:
This is entirely normal and excellent preparation for Christmas Day with your ex in the house you used to share*.
(* which was entirely fine even though we had fishfingers for Christmas dinner, because we had a box of Pierre Marcolini Palets Fins série limitée au caramel and watched shit tv and drank, but dramatic licence requires me to make it sound deadly)
New Year Challenge: what mode of transport can I use that I haven't already in the last week? I'm up to train/boat/car/bus/tram/plane all in the past 3 days and counting. And don't say bike, because I failed my Cycling Proficiency for a reason.