Monday, 7 December 2009

I want never gets. Unless you're Mariah Carey.

Katyboo did her fantasy Christmas list today. Katyboo is ace in all manner of ways, including warning me several months ago in very graphic and precise terms that I would have weeks like this one during this whole separation-pocalypse thing, when I would feel like nothing so much as crawling under a stone and never emerging, when I would question my own sanity and feel like everything would feel fucked up forever. Simply knowing it was a normal part of the process has been hugely helpful, and I have only been sort of half-wedged under a small pebble. Easier to wipe up the rivers of snotty tears that way, anyway. Katyboo was emphatic, both then and now, that it would improve. This is also a huge comfort. She is kind and wise and wonderful and deserves everything on her fantasy Christmas list and more.

I am none of those things, but I thought I might as well do a fantasy Christmas list as well, and then ask about yours. It seemed like fun, and my grasping, acquisitive impulses are never sated. I always WANT. This year, most of mine seem to defy the laws of physics and good sense, but that's why it's a fantasy list, isn't it?

1. I want not to have bought that last but one black dress. It was a dress too far, and it doesn't even much suit me. It's just a black, silky reminder of what a stupid dickhead I am.

2. I want a decent credit limit, so my stupid Belgian credit card doesn't collapse in puritan shock when I try and buy groceries, or a train ticket.

3. I want my mum back, because this is one of those times when there is absolutely no substitute. I want her to come and look after the children when I am being a shrieky, out of control witch, and I want her to force me to deal with the BOX OF DOOM containing all the pieces of paper I am most scared of. And just to be around, in a low key way, as she was so very good at doing when I first had Lashes and flaked out completely, spending weeks at a time crying while she listened patiently, patting my hand and making small nourishing meals. I want her back for selfish reasons, but also because I think it was hugely unfair she died when she had so much more fun to have. And Fingers to meet. And friends and family and especially my sister to enjoy and care for.

4. I want to live simultaneously in London and Brussels. Without making anyone unhappy.

5. I want the people I love not to be sick. Or die, obviously.

6. I want some angst free, morale boosting flirtation in my life. I only want the cheering kind, not the kind that is great for five minutes but then makes you miserable. If it's the miserable kind, you better put a receipt in, because I won't be keeping it.

7. I want a blanket made from the first belly strokings of baby goats, and I want to drape it on my bed, which I want miraculously to arrive in time for me to hibernate for a month with a pile of novels and someone to bring me neverending pots of tea and small, delicious snacks.

8. I want to skip ahead a year, just to check that it does all get better.

9. I want never to have to go to the Service des Etrangers again. In fact, I want the Service des Etrangers to be abolished. Ideally, they could explode it in a special Christmas firework display, along with Belgacom, Taxis Bleus and Delhaize.

10. I want my wallet back, with its valueless but essential contents, including prescriptions, driving licence, health insurance. I want it wrapped in plain white tissue paper in the toe of my stocking along with a pygmy jerboa, a tiny bat, eyelashes, a small Vuillard and a 90 minute deep tissue massage.

11. I want a nicer jawline.

12. I want a bit of daring. Just a handful would be plenty. And some better conversational and general social skills.

What's on your list?


Anonymous said...

Funny. As I read this, I was just thinking you have LOTS of daring. And I KNOW you have good social skills. Whether you think so or not.
Oh yeah....and Katyboo is ALWAYS right and possibly the 8th wonder of the world.

justmeagain said...

Um....that was me. I wasn't signed in...

teddy said...

see you like tiny pygmy type animals - whereas i am generally much more impressed by the giant ones, snails, tortoises - even that cow that was in the news recently. the bigger the better. but all the more unlikely to found inside your stocking.
but fantasy christmas lists are all about the fantasy i guess, so colossal oxen of any kind would most definitely make the top three. swiftly followed by a kindly, jocular and rotund italian housekeeper with a penchant for nourishing students, previously existing on super-noodles alone, with rustic italian cuisine. oh and the ability to speak polish so my frustrated and as of yet, futile efforts at communicating with my hot polish neighbor don't get met with a puzzled, alarmed look and/or a police call out.

katyboo1 said...

I love you and Just Me very much. And I would like a teeny bat as well please. If I had known they had them, it so would have been on the list.xx

Sarah, Maison Cupcake said...

I want a dishwasher. At the moment I have a husband but he gets in the way as the sink is next to the cooker.

Sadako said...

That little bat creature is so freaking adorable.

As for me, I want the perfect pair of leopard print shoes.

Artichoke Queen said...

My wants are many, my needs are few. I do recognize that this is a good state of affairs, but it doesn't make the wants any less intense...

1. I want this apartment. I can see it just beyond my grasp, and fervently hope it inches just a teeny bit closer so it can be mine. Please, Santa, you know what you need to do. This apartment WAS MEANT TO BE MINE.

2. I want a handsome, intelligent and kind man to date. He doesn't have to be my boyfriend, he just has to want to go to dinner or drinks once every week or two.

3. I want an offer for this job I'm interviewing for. Without a cut in pay.

4. I want a PA to sort out the admin. One day a month would probably be sufficient.

5. I want a house on a mountain lake where I can go with my friends and we can be preppily glamorous while bar-be-queing on the dock.

6. I want people to stop being mean. In general. Everywhere. There is no point.

That's all Santa. Can you help?

Lisa-Marie said...

I am going to blog this! If I could gie you all of those things, I would. the one that particularly struck a cord with me was wanting your mum back. I would like mine back too, but only if she was healthy. I miss her alot at Crimble.

I want your purse back for you too. Its the sentimental things in them that it hurts to lose!

J. said...

My holiday wish list of things that money can't buy, not in any particular order:

1) I want the power to wave a wand to magically transport all the contents of my current apartment to my new apartment. Then I want to wave the magic wand again and have all the walls painted lovely colors and the grotty furniture and demented, random knick-knacks transformed into the kind of furnishings befitting grownups with taste and style. The alternative is to spend my evenings after my 10 hour work days swearing at my husband and flinging paint around, and hiring some smelly hippies (cash only) to help us wrestle the 2-ton sofa bed and other inexplicably heavy furniture up 3 flights of stairs through a raging Chicago snowstorm.
2) I would like my immune system to stop trying to destroy my large intestine. And for my 26-year-old cousin with colon cancer to be well again.
3) Copying BWaffle, I would like my mom to be alive and healthy again. Ditto for my grandfather who died this summer.
4) I would like all the homemade crafty Christmas gifts I started in a fit of temporary insanity to be finished, wrapped, and transformed into something that the recipients will actually like.
5) I want the two gorgeous tabby kittens I saw Saturday in the animal rescue's window, and I want them to arrive fully toilet trained and with the ability to get along like a house on fire with my adult cat (who loves people and dogs but hates other felines).
6) I would like my brother and my favorite interns to get jobs that they like and pay them a decent wage plus health insurance. The other interns are on their own.
7) I want an elf to get my car interior cleaned because it's been on my to-do list for 6 months and it is disgusting. Now that winter has come the scone crumbs and coffee stains have been enlivened by the fake fur shed from my parka's hood. It looks like I've been carpooling with the Muppets.
8) If the elf who cleans my car has the cash and energy, it would be great if he/she would fix all the things wrong with my new 100 year old house, including finding the source of the natural gas smell that the power company claims does not exist.

I think I'd better stop at 8. That's one for every day of Chanukah...

the polish chick said...

1. peace on earth, just so i don't seem like a dick when we move on to the folowing numbers and also because i am so goddamn bored of the middle east blowing the shit out of each other. just be nice already, jesus!

2. abs, or at least a flattish gut area

3. a meaninglful job i enjoy that does not involve me sticking my hands in other people's mouths. i am so very very over that.

4. a deep and thorough knowledge of how to operate our new nikon, without having to actually read the gargantuan instruction manual.

5. poreless beautiful skin. i am sick to death of going from zits to wrinkles'n zits. my pores are so big you can see my brain through them and i don't like it.

6. a cat that acts like a dog without the icky dog smell or having to go for walkies

7. an audience that will post comments on my blog because i am starved for attention, validation and love.

8. a fainting goat i can frighten multiple times a day because it never gets old.

WV - nuchrons - the building blocks of the universe - protons, electrons, nuchrons, dontcha know?

Rusty Hoe said...

I want the waistline of my 20s.

I want the courage to admit I no longer have the waistline of my 20s and stop trying to squeeze my lard laden thighs into the jeans of my 20s.

I want the dusting fairy to come into my home in the middle of the night and dispose of the large sand drifts that cover my home.

I want a day of silence and sloth. No children, no dogs, no husband, no neighbours with leaf blowers and chain saws, no annoying screaming kids from across the road. Lots of couch cuddling, good coffee, a naked Johnny Depp to feed me chocolate and rub my feet.

But will take a decent coffee I don't have to make and/or not managing to cut my legs whilst shaving at least once.

Anonymous said...

Oh I want all that for you, apart from the firmer jawline which I'll keep for myself.
I could deliver nourishing meals - leave them on the doorstep and ring teeny bells as I go to give the illusion of Santa...of course I make no promises that any of it would be on time.

carla_fern said...

I would like number 3 for you and I would like to know the love your mum felt for you because I can guarantee that my mom and dad didn't have love or time for anyone but themselves while I was growing up. I was an only child and while camping in the summer of 1975 my dad said to me 'when is your birthday anyway?' What, you know it's in May... I forgot it must have been the other one's I remembered' What??? I'm an only child, better check with mom in the campground shower. 'So what did dad mean?' reply 'When I want to tell you my personal business I will.'

The sad thing is, I had been so used to them either hitting me or playing ridiculous mind games that I didn't pursue this. Twenty years later when I had had my first child, while working in a very stressful job, mom says' we had a son, he died and I guess you're lucky he did or you wouldn't be here'

Can you believe it? I spent years just trying to make them care about me, i told them not to worry that I already knew, it was like they never even realized they had told me 'sort of' many years ago.
Can you believe it? Luckily they don't play any part in my life now.

Grit said...

i want belgium waffle to be happy.
i want my mother back too.
i want to eat lots of things forever and never get fat. or spotty.
i want my emotional life back. the good bits. not the crap bits.
i want bat.
i want sex.
not sex with bat.

Jaywalker said...

Grit - No. That bat is way too small to do sexing with. I don't know much about sexing, but I know that.

M. said...

That bat would squee squee for all it's worth.

WV: sychr. Which is what I am. In the brain.

Hodmandod said...

I want my mother back so badly that I sit with my mouth open in an ugly shape and my eyes closed with longing. I do like your small bat but am not qualified to care for it, so do not 'want' it. But I do want an Indian evening with strange birds flying in off the sea, and to be with people as I should be at all times, instead of not being in any way at all.

Jaywalker said...

Tsk, M. It is a FANTASY BAT. Thus, if I do not want it to squeeee, it will not squeeee.

Anonymous said...

I want a new knee (but without the post-op agaonies) and a dress that suits me instead of making me look like a pudding.

Z said...

I'm sorry, I can't do a fantasy list because I can't long for the impossible. It would make me unhappy.

Tigerbaps said...

I want that cocking car alarm that's going on and on and on and on outside my window to stop

WrathofDawn said...

1) I want to stop looking like a pudding and start looking like a woman again.
2) I want my brain back (mentalpause, I'm looking at you).
3) I want my mom AND my dad back, but young and healthy.
4) I want to go back to May of 1978 and May of 1980 and have do overs.
5) (borrowed from Artichoke Queen) I want a handsome, intelligent and kind man to date. He doesn't have to be my boyfriend, he just has to want to go to dinner or drinks once every week or two.
6) I want my house to be magically renovated without either the expense or mess.

This fantasy Crimble list is EXCELLENT!

tigerbaps said...

Ah. It was my actual car alarm. As you were, Santa.

WrathofDawn said...

Um... the idea of the list, not my list in particular.

Iheartfashion said...

As long as we're doing fantasy lists, I'd like:
my dad back, cancer-free
better skin
a job doing something I love
just half the energy my 7 year old has
a small apartment in Paris or Rome

irretrievablybroken said...

Oh, I have quite a list. But one thing you ask for will come true--it will get better. I promise. I barely remember when I was right where you are now...the few weeks after separation (the months, actually) are, thank god, burned from my memory except for a few ghastly vivid horrors. But it does get better. Slowly, then quickly. In the meantime ask nothing of yourself, and ask lots from the world. Lean on everyone you know, and demand they bring you tea and blankets made of the belly strokings of newborn goats.

Trust me. It will get better.

Anonymous said...

I want Mum to not have cancer.
my daughter not to have a horriable auto immune illness that I cant cope with.
I want my man to see that I need more than just my hand held.
I want my dad to realize that when you leave your wife you should keep seeing you kids and that after 29 years of silence there are still zillions of questions to be answered.
I want jean and Pauline not to be dead.
I want to be strong.
I want to stop crying.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I want a tiny bat, too! And a puppy. And a diamond necklace. Not just one diamond, I mean the kind with diamonds going all the way around like pearls.

Just a few little stocking stuffers. ;)

Margaret said...

I want to know about the bat.

pinolona said...

I wrote my Christmas list already and Santa already answered part of it. Now I sort of wish he hadn't. I am going to be careful what I wish for in future and maybe not write any more Christmas lists. I am going to go all hippy and tree-huggy and be thankful for the tiny blades of grass (and thankful for the optical correction that allows me to see them). It makes quite a boring comment though, sorry about that.

curlywurlyfi said...

I quote verbatim from my Christmas list:

My kitchen window boxes to be ready-planted with cheery plants, but not ones that grow so high I can't open my windows. or herbs, of course. or maybe lettuce. can you grow lettuce in a window box?? This is all pointless given it's December, though, isn't it.

katyboo1 said...


The vegetable growing god that is Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall did a piece on his christmas show last week about how lettuce is an all year round event and you can grow hardy types any time. I, of course, cannot remember any more at all, so you must go and look on his River Cottage website and seek lettuce based inspiration there. Good luck

Jaywalker said...

Get your disgusting vegetable perv talk out of my comments box, curlywurly and katyboo. It's bad enough that I have to cook a mofoing turnip tonight without that.

katyboo1 said...

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sidles off to fondle carrots in private

Jaywalker said...

Yeah, you and that Nigel Slater. Feck off back to the allotment where you belong, you pervert.

auntiegwen said...

I want the big love again or a Chanel handbag. Yes, I agree I am an eminently reasonable woman.

neversarah said...

I turned this one into a blog post because it was turning into a novel, and if it had turned into a pumpkin you may have felt obliged to add it to your Jewel Stew, which seemed like it might be just too unkind.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Wha; Auntie Gwennie is here??!

I want the bat - I have small, soft, fluffy bat-substitutes (4), who take up too much space in the bed and squeak all night long...

I want my dad's cuddle back that cannot ever be replaced, and all of his love for me that he took with him and that belonged solely to me...

I want the love of my departed mother, for despite a loving husband (to his mind), and son (growling teenager, so doesn't count at the mo'...), I feel wholly unloved by man and beast.

I want you to consider grief counselling, Emma - I think it might help both of us out, my darling. Mwah! x

Anonymous said...

I would like..a fortnight off, a future I could count on, a motorbike licence, a motorbike, to see that boy again when not looking like the undead, a baby, a tattoo, a sexy accent, some bravery, spoon bendy eyes, my family to be happy, every one to be loved, lots of bad things not to have happened, to be forgiven, an all night conversation, everyone's mum back, to be selectively deaf to the voice of Fearne Cotton and Chris Moyles, to remember what a lot ive got already.

I like your list.

Chantal said...

After reading everyone else's I don't want list mine anymore as they seem ridiculously petty (new flat, nice furniture etc). So instead I'm going to say:

Everyone on this thread to have a lovely, or at least bearable, Christmas, with nice food, good company, tiny animals and no shitty news/events.

Ok, that's cheesy, but so what. It's Christmas, right?

Juci said...

I want a fucking purpose in life. Apart from raising kids, which is fun but is a sorry excuse for a reason to be alive.
I want to look great and feel sexy again. Well, after the birth sometime, of course. I'm not entirely unreasonable.
I want to find our dream home when we move back to Hungary next year.
I want our marriage to stay fun, and not become a boring routine that we both get tired of.
I want the willpower to make all of the above actually happen.
(And now WV reminds me that I also want a lot of 'sesterc' to buy all the other stuff that I want.)

bevchen said...

I want that bat!!

Katyboo is very wonderful indeed and definitely deserves everything on her list.

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