Katyboo did her fantasy Christmas list today. Katyboo is ace in all manner of ways, including warning me several months ago in very graphic and precise terms that I would have weeks like this one during this whole separation-pocalypse thing, when I would feel like nothing so much as crawling under a stone and never emerging, when I would question my own sanity and feel like everything would feel fucked up forever. Simply knowing it was a normal part of the process has been hugely helpful, and I have only been sort of half-wedged under a small pebble. Easier to wipe up the rivers of snotty tears that way, anyway. Katyboo was emphatic, both then and now, that it would improve. This is also a huge comfort. She is kind and wise and wonderful and deserves everything on her fantasy Christmas list and more.
I am none of those things, but I thought I might as well do a fantasy Christmas list as well, and then ask about yours. It seemed like fun, and my grasping, acquisitive impulses are never sated. I always WANT. This year, most of mine seem to defy the laws of physics and good sense, but that's why it's a fantasy list, isn't it?
1. I want not to have bought that last but one black dress. It was a dress too far, and it doesn't even much suit me. It's just a black, silky reminder of what a stupid dickhead I am.
2. I want a decent credit limit, so my stupid Belgian credit card doesn't collapse in puritan shock when I try and buy groceries, or a train ticket.
3. I want my mum back, because this is one of those times when there is absolutely no substitute. I want her to come and look after the children when I am being a shrieky, out of control witch, and I want her to force me to deal with the BOX OF DOOM containing all the pieces of paper I am most scared of. And just to be around, in a low key way, as she was so very good at doing when I first had Lashes and flaked out completely, spending weeks at a time crying while she listened patiently, patting my hand and making small nourishing meals. I want her back for selfish reasons, but also because I think it was hugely unfair she died when she had so much more fun to have. And Fingers to meet. And friends and family and especially my sister to enjoy and care for.
4. I want to live simultaneously in London and Brussels. Without making anyone unhappy.
5. I want the people I love not to be sick. Or die, obviously.
6. I want some angst free, morale boosting flirtation in my life. I only want the cheering kind, not the kind that is great for five minutes but then makes you miserable. If it's the miserable kind, you better put a receipt in, because I won't be keeping it.
7. I want a blanket made from the first belly strokings of baby goats, and I want to drape it on my bed, which I want miraculously to arrive in time for me to hibernate for a month with a pile of novels and someone to bring me neverending pots of tea and small, delicious snacks.
8. I want to skip ahead a year, just to check that it does all get better.
9. I want never to have to go to the Service des Etrangers again. In fact, I want the Service des Etrangers to be abolished. Ideally, they could explode it in a special Christmas firework display, along with Belgacom, Taxis Bleus and Delhaize.
10. I want my wallet back, with its valueless but essential contents, including prescriptions, driving licence, health insurance. I want it wrapped in plain white tissue paper in the toe of my stocking along with a pygmy jerboa, a tiny bat, eyelashes, a small Vuillard and a 90 minute deep tissue massage.
11. I want a nicer jawline.
12. I want a bit of daring. Just a handful would be plenty. And some better conversational and general social skills.
What's on your list?