Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Christmas Present Clinic 2009

I have pretty much abandoned Christmas for this year. I have one box of SpongeBob Lego and a bag of garish tat from Hawkins Bazaar. West End Mum, who is a heroine of the revolution, found me two of the elusive eyeball balls in Pollocks Toy Museum. I have no plans to acquire anything much else. I am playing the trusty 'Life Trauma Get Out of Christmas Free Card' which entitles the bearer to look like crap, fail to observe social niceties and not buy any presents. The Life Trauma Card is only accepted once in every ten years on presentation of valid proof of proper head fucking life upheaval. You are allowed to smell bad and eat Quality Street before 9am and throw your Christmas cards in the bin unwritten and unread. And not even recycle them. I hope the authorities don't look too closely, because I think this might be the third time I have played the Life Trauma card this decade.

Thankfully for you, however, I am not just leaving you to your fate, oh no. I am selflessly reopening the Belgian Waffle Christmas Present Clinic. For those of you not present last year, the idea is this.

You submit - via the comments box or email - details of your tricky friends or relatives and whether you wish to delight or appall them. I suggest gifts, usually in a thoroughly unhelpful way, and then everyone else can weigh in as they wish with suggestions. Maybe I can prevail on Dr Capybara to host part of the present clinic in his inimitable style. Who could forget the joyous search for the perfect present for the Ironed Curtain's harridan mother in law?

I give you fair warning, I am jaundiced and hunchbacked from biscuit preparation, and I have spent all my money on Ikea furniture and tupperware boxes, so, I will probably be full of bitter and bilious suggestions. But that's why you come anyway, isn't it?

The five most entertaining victims will get the full scintillating sparkle of Waffle present ideas. Sort of. Quick!


the polish chick said...

hi. will you hate me even more when i tell you we don't do gifts, having decided that vast quantities of food and liquor are way better than useless crap? highly recommend it.

sipping a beverage of high alcoholic content, looking down my nose at the slavering masses roiling through the overheated tinsel-strewn malls, feels damn good. damn damn good. of course, it could be the liquor, but i think the warm and fuzzy feeling of superiority has something to do with it.

WV - ooder - where milk comes from (i think - i'm a city girl)

Jaywalker said...

Polish Chick - You do not have to assume we will haet you every time you leave a comment. We love you, with your beet loving, present eschewing ways.

As you were.

the polish chick said...

oh, but it is so much more fun to skulk in filled with teenage angst, all hormonally imbalanced and slightly tipsy, throw in a comment, burst into tears and run away. that way i get personalised waffle comfort. see? it works.


Anna Mac said...

To follow the format:

No One in Particular

Salient Information: Small family, approx 15 people. My brother has just left his wife, I exchanged boyfriends(though am having the old one for Christmas still), cousin has returned after having dissapeared 2.5 years ago. Half are closet alcoholics the other half teetotalers and all are in desperate need of labotomies.

Interests: Vastly ranging from Gangster Rap to Cowboy boots to ballet shoes. We also enjoy making sarcastic remarks, mercilessly harrassing each other and bonfires, in that order.

Gift History: N/A. Some jerk thought that a 'gift exchange' was a charming idea instead of giving gifts. In theory, yes, in practice...garbage.

Of note: Have a ridiculous budget of $35 (Canadian, so that's like monopoly money)


WV-yerswath, like your mother, but dirtier.

the polish chick said...

hey! canadian money's like real money these days!

make a stuffed squirrel riding a black lacquered horse statue. it's classy, it's useful, it's beautiful: it's the gift that keeps on giving.

teddy said...

you'd be a genius to come up with the perfect gift for my mother.
the bare facts are: she's welsh. and old. and pretty god damn immobile. likes: has penchant for animal themed ornaments but has probably run out of space. dislikes: 'anything too fancy'. budget: nonexistent.
outdoing my ever perfect sister is never going to happen, but an alternative to the yearly usual of shortbread and/or tea towels would be good.

redfox said...

I was all set to recommend nice biscuits for the immobile Welsh mother, and then saw that shortbread was one of the two things that you want to avoid. Still, consumable presents are awfully good for people who have run out of space. Since she's Welsh, maybe some tasteful biccies that say "Down with the English"?

That's Not My Age said...

Please tell me what to buy Mr That's Not My Age's mum. She 'doesn't need anything!'Last year we bought her a lovely fruit bowl which she put a plant in, some cakes and a teacup (which became another plant holder). She's had all the usual stuff; brooches, beads, scarves (seems to quite like these, but only wears on special occasions and doesn't go out), toiletries (still in the box three years later), books, DVDs.

Clue: she's eighty-odd and likes to talk about herself, a lot.

Lola said...

The obvious present for Mr That's Not My Age's mum is a plant holder. Duh.

SadSanta said...

Can you help me find a present for my more off than on lover? He never wants to see me, decimates my self-esteem and only keeps me hanging around for libido emergencies. I want to find something that makes him feel insecure, maybe ugly, and sexually inadequate. Please help, BW.

Hodmandod said...

For anyone older than say 25, give only things that run out or are edible.

Knackered Mother said...

Sad Santa - buy him a pair of pants a size too small. Will make him feel all the things you want.

London City Mum said...

Present for hypochondriac sister-in-law - help, anyone?

Salient facts: 41, very tall (over 6ft), lethargic, glass half-empty type

Interests: on-line medical dictionary, self-diagnosis, conviction that specialists are 'mistaken' when they say there is nothing wrong with her

Gift history: forgotten as have managed to omit her from list (or 'include' her in present to my brother) over past 3 years

Of note: lives in Italy

I suppose you could say "why bother now", but just trying to enter into the spirit and break poor habits, hey! She might actually like me back.

M. said...

Sad Santa - I say a pair of pants that is a size too big. For his eeny teeny tiny willy.

AliBlahBlah said...

Long-standing partner (female) of my father-in-law, when they've been together for 25 yrs and she's 60+ girlfriend just sounds wrong..... she likes to re-gift, likes candles, Christmas, but has in previous years re-gifted our own candles back to us?

Ideas? Should I give her a boomerang?

Sewmouse said...

Present for my Lutheran Minister brother who knows more about religion than GOD, and his wife, the puritan.

Salient Facts: Believes Harry Potter is evil because it has "real spells". Voted for George W. Bush. Twice. Lives in Florida.

Interests: Jebus. Being better than his older sister (me). Jebus. Golf. Jebus. Conservative Republican Politics. Rush Limbaugh. Jebus.

Gift History: Every inexpensive golf gift I could find and several books on the subject. SIL got cookbooks. Still can't boil water without a recipie....

Of Note: G*d meant me to be an only child. Seriously. We get along THAT well.

WV: arrontes - pass-around copies of Wuthering Heights.

fabhat said...

What about a mother-in-law who gives a very prescriptive list of presents every year. List is then followed to the letter, only to have on Christmas day, after the great opening of our presents (greeted with mild appreciation) she will open another pile of presents with lots of ooohs and ahhs of delight. These (carefully wrapped) presents are gifts to herself, as she doesn't trust that anyone will actually give her what she wants...
Oh and she likes purple

London Lisbonite said...

I need something for my grandmother. Anything I give her will inevitably be met with a comment that I'm a spendthrift and waste money and then followed with a sniff as she carefully places it next to whatever one of my cousins bought her (which will be better). Anything homemade will be met with a comment about how I must still think I'm 9. She's convinced herself she's allergic to food in general, doesn't drink or read. Her only passion in life is Jose Mourinho (and I got her his biography last year). Help. Help, help, help!

the polish chick said...

london city mum - get her "medicine for dummies" and a lifetime prescription for xanax.

sewmouse - i am so very very sorry. no ideas, but deep fellow-human feeling of pain at your predicament. makes me want to go hug my crazy ass liberal familia.

fabhat - get her giftwrap and ribbons.

hey, this is fun!

MissGodarkly said...

I don't have a present dilemma but I choked on my drink when my friend told me that after 6yrs of giving her sis-in-law beautiful gifts, and without fail received a truly rotten pressie in return(hello, computer keypad hoover)decided last Christmas that enough was enough. Watching her unwrap a box of Maltesers - priceless.

Tigerbaps said...

Help please with present buying for parents of my late husband.
Person spec: She is bipolar. Lives in skanky nightie and has horny yellow toenails. Smokes incessantly and thinks up evil things to taunt me with. I disappointed her by not becoming a woman in a dressing gown after husband died. I hate her. He is vague and martyred. Panders to the hornytoed ones every whim. Allows her to live in bed. I'm jealous.
Requirements: something that says "I'm putting no thought into this and hope you hate it you pair of fuckers". Also needs to be deliverable by post as am too scared of her horny toes and bipolar razor Tongue to go to door. If she's manic she'll scare the bejesus out of me. If depressed she'll say horrible things.
Ideas: something to do with Michael dead eyes Buble or Susan buggering Boyle perhaps? Or I could knit something out of Dr Capybara's fur as I'm assuming it'll be awfy scratchy and full of venomous bile.

Anonymous said...

what about a "Manic-ure" set?
Has nobody brought out a range of Susan Boyle nighties (or housecoats) yet? Or a Susan Boyle duvet set? That might do the trick.

Anonymous said...

London Lisbonite, that's awful! Get her a SMALL sainsburys brand box of chocs and be done with it.

Dear MIL has said that all she would like is a box of chocs. She means a big pierre marcolini/neuhaus number obv. 'Are you sure?' we said. 'Wouldn't you like something else/more?' (un-authorised gifts are not encouraged). 'No, no' she said. 'I'd love chocolates.'
Yesterday we got a call from a SIL warning us old bag had phoned her to complain that we wanted to get chocs and eat them all ourselves (well, yes actually, that was the plan).
She is afraid that I can't cook and she will have to rescue me (ha! and out of my kitchen bitch!)

She is horrified to learn that we don't have a tv and wants to know what she'll do all day. Asked hubby if we didn't have a tv because of his poor attention span.

She has told her cousin that we will expect her to take our dog out every day.

One of her daughters isn't speaking to her for various, fairly understandable reasons, although I can't get my head round the non-speaking thing. Are we all 12? MIL sent a christmas card to daughters 2 little kids saying as soon as daughter starts speaking she'll call them again. She'd love to get them a present but she doesn't know if daughter would mind. So she hasn't.

Should I do the whole family a favour and push her under a tram?

This is not a present dilemna comment. My gift to her will be to send her home alive.

SIX days people. I have SIX days with her. Noticed hubby came home last night with more gin, port and various stickies. He obviously has the same plan as me. I aim to come to around Jan 6th.

This is all made harder because my family is big and loud and cuddly. Presents are piled under the tree and handed out by dad and we coo and oo over everything with champers. Mum is a fab cook and dad is a great/generous host. I want to be home. I am strugging to be mature and adult about this. Perhaps because I have never been.


cailinos said...

Holy mackerel there's much to be said in favour of doing one's own thing at Christmas, and let the extended family amuse themselves without one. A propos...Sad Santa, you WERE joking, I hope. If that scene is real, cease and desist forthwith, you can do sex easily without the lout.

Mrs Jones said...

Never mind presents for other people, if I won the lottery, I'd get you this as a christmas present, and you could look after the baby pygmy hippos - http://www.virginexperiencedays.co.uk/experiences/Zookeeper_for_a_Day_183/?source=aw&affid=79210

Grit said...

here is a man for whom i cannot think of a present, although i would be most interested to know what would be suitable:

he lived in an attic for 40 years, emerging only to ring church bells. when we bought the house, he emerged from the attic and announced he was going to the gay massage parlour in town, so don't lock the back door because he will return at 4am. when we sold the house he thought moving into the garage would be a good idea. he now lives somewhere else and i dare not find out where.

i deny we are related. *if* we were related, and *if* he were to surface at a family gathering, what would be a suitable present?

Anonymous said...

Dear Grit. I suggest a shed.

westendmum said...

Ah ha, now I know why Pollocks have sold out of said eyeballs!!!!
WEM xx

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