Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Can't. Blog. Must. Bake.




Can't. Blog. Must. Bake. Bake bake bake bake bake bake bake bake bake bake. Only 36 hours 'til I leave for London with my cargo of tupperware boxes full of mean biscuits. Only, what, 60 hours or so until C-DAY. I am wearing a polka dot apron and an authentically Cruel Tea expression of fury and madness. I decided to tweak my recipe in a fit of stupidity and hubris, and then I realised that the only salt I had is big boulders of grey rock salt. There is butter everywhere and the weepette is scavenging eggshells out of the bin in a fit of stress induced bulimia and grinding them to an attractive paste on the rug. Seriously, he's behaving like a compulsive over-eater, mid-binge. Every time I leave the room and come back, I am confronted by a gloomy, skinny faced weepette with its front paws on some illegal stretch of kitchen, eating chocolate coins, or dry bread, or avocado skin. Literally, in the time it took me to write that phrase, it had dismembered an old avocado on the floor in a silent frenzy. What the fuck? Is this a notorious weepette trait that I am unaware of? (I am now steeling myself for a rush of whippet bulimia related keyword searches).

I am putting the Salmon Palace kitchen to the test and it is failing. The oven only has one shelf. That's, like, 12 biscuits. Out of 500, for fuck's sake! Thank goodness I am appalling at maths, otherwise I suspect I would actually give up. (If anyone tries to calculate how long this is going to take me and puts it in the comments box they are instantly and irrevocably barred from these pages, even though I don't know how to do that. Yeah.) Between batches I do this:






Oh, yeah. I was here for a reason. Veg.

41 of you bastards who expressed a preference wanted me to make actual food from the organic veg box. Thanks for nothing. I give you "Aubergine Whatthefuck":




Yes, I did bloody well make it myself. Look, here it is festering, sorry, cooking:




It was gross. I lost control of my salting hand and created a briny monster. The shallots were putrid. I nearly didn't finish it, and I'm one of those 'pathologically unable to leave food on a plate' people. See? See what I did for you? I am very, very, very stupid.

I think I am going to make a beautiful vegetable nativity scene with the turnips, next week when my grasp of reality returns slightly. Apparently undeterred, however, by a crisper compartment full of wrinkly, deflated turnips, I signed up for the box this week too, and as I type, a yellow pumpkin type thing is sittingly squatly on the table looking disapprovingly at me. There are beetroots too. They're a pain in the ass, aren't they? No more polls though. You've lost my trust, all 41 of you. Pah.

39 comments:

Krizanovich said...

I completely agree with the veg box rant. So sad that I didn't save the rotting aubergine left to me by the nice organic veg box people and send it right back to them. I mean, didn't anyone LOOK at the BOX?

Margarita said...

I was one of those who asked you to paint faces on them and make friends. Seriously. What the hell is that? It made me vomit in my mouth. I'm surprised you could eat it. Bleh. Just order pizza next time please.

expateek said...

Passive-aggressive, moi? ...But Mme. Jaywalker, you dared us!

I think there are 42 oven bakings in your future. 42 x 7 minutes (I hope! Shit, these aren't 20 minute bikkies, are they?) and that's 294 minutes of your life gone by. Or 4.9 hours. (That doesn't sound nearly so dreadful.)

I don't bake, so good luck. Insomnia will probably work with you, rather than against you, in this circumstance.

Liberty London Girl said...

http://www.libertylondongirl.com/2009/07/saturday-lunch-finished-version.html

Beetroots...mmmm

also

am coming to BUST

LLGxx

Insomniac Mummy said...

Oh. My. Good. God.

That is all.

@eloh said...

Beetroots.... hell I'd paint some walls...shade in the corners...do the whole bathroom.
Rub some on my cheeks and go in public and document the reactions.

Beetroot=organic fun

redfox said...

I covet that arse cozy quite acutely -- alas for the ocean between us!

the polish chick said...

ok, to pound the last nail in the coffin of my unpopularity, allow me to say that i LOVE beets. of course, i am polish, and being polish i am sort of expected to. then again, being polish i am expected to adore raisins (which mad polish people put in fucking EVERYTHING) and drink plenty of vodka, and i say no to both. but beets...mmm...can i come over and cook for you, waffle? because i would like to.

WV: warpert - a disgusting closet beet fondler (like myself)

Margaret said...

My husband, who is an excellent cook, made roasted root vegetables tonight and they were delicious except for the motherfucking BEETS, which were revolting. Beets, man, why do you suck so much? Also, he never cooks eggplant because, while tasty, it is tedious, what with the soaking and salting and what have you.

(I am very good at math and did the baking calculations in my head and that is exactly where they're staying, along with the self-criticism and guilt.)

Sweet Jane said...

I want you to understand how amazing jack-o-lantern turnips (or any squash type veg) can be--you can even involve your boys. Just plunk in some tea lights and voila. Lumiere. It really is pretty and unexpected.

GingerB said...

Damn, if I'd known how much help you needed I would have voted for veg-art more frequently. Can you just pretend that I did, and switch over? I don't think what you did with the eggplant will likely help your stress levels much.

pinolona said...

Polish chick - I think you're normal, in my experience Polish people don't drink loads of vodka, they just *say* that they do and then pour it out to foreign visitors.
ps I found SEEDS in raisins in Poland, that's just weird, you can't be expected to love that.

do you know how to make barszcz?? How??

by the way, I heard you could avoid the salting and soaking with aubergine just by blitzing them in the microwave for a couple of minutes: it has the same effect of removing excess moisture... but I never cook so I wouldn't know.

Anonymous said...

Beets, yum! And the yellow thing - do you mean a squash? A squash! They're impossible to find here.
Did you salt the aubergines first to get rid of the liquid?
I was actually, going to suggest a nativity scene last time. So go forth and create. But first, bake.
Fran

Anonymous said...

I really want to come to Bust now, esp if LLG is going too - wow imagine meeting both of you! (Without sounding like a creepy person).
Hubbie wants to go to a football match and suggested meeting in London so maybe this can happen. Will definitely buy some arse biscuits although I am sworn off carbs and sugar until 24th.

Juci said...

Next time you get aubergines or courgettes or broccolis or anything that is not a root, make a quiche. It's so fucking simple. You can buy the rolled-up pastry, put it in a cake or tart form (preferably a large one so that it's enough for the three of you), prick with a fork, cover with baking parchment and toss in the pre-heated oven for ten minutes (180 degrees, 160 if fan assisted). In the meantime, chop up the veg, fry it over a bit of olive oil, season it. (I never bother with the salting and the wiping and it still tastes good to me.) Mix three eggs and some cream (say 150 ml) in a bowl, season that too, and when the pastry is pre-baked, pour in the vegetables, cover with the egg mixture, maybe rasp some cheese on top, and bake for another 40 mins. You just can't get it wrong, and the actual work takes no more than 30 minutes.
And what the fuck is up with that oven? One shelf only? Can you put in a rack or something?

Sewmouse said...

At the risk of turning your blog into a "dog blog", I think you need to post photos of the weepette doing all these embarassing things like stealing avocados and wearing nose-bras so he becomes so ashamed at having his misbehavior on the Internets that he becomes the Model Canine Citizen.

Here is hoping your rude biscuit venture is highly successful! Wish I could attend. There are a couple people on my "list" that deserve a "nice" box of cookies for Xmas.

loops said...

Are there plans afoot to offer your wares online. I don't have the freedom to get to the fayre but I can think of a few people who would love your arse biscuits and teapot cosy

Jaywalker said...

Loops! Check out the Cruel Tea Etsy shop on the sidebar. The wares, they are a coming. Brain twin has already sold a cosy and everything.

Z said...

Ooh, I'd almost forgotten the navegity scene - sorry, darling, I hate to pimp the blog, but this might give you a few ideas - http://razorbladeoflife.blogspot.com/2008/11/sorry.html

Al wins prizes for his shop window. Only little local Chamber of Trade prizes, but all the same.

Don't suppose you have a spare roasting tin? Upside down on the floor of the oven and you've got a second shelf. Or use a wire rack, as long as it hasn't got plastic feet. 12 biscuits at a time is stupid and unreasonable and I'd be on the floor eating peelings with the weepette.

the polish chick said...

ok, waffle, food porn alert, avert your gaze!

margaret, why do you salt and soak the aubergine? i've never bothered and it tastes fine. i like it grilled the best, drizzled with some oilve oil, fresh ground pepper and feta cheese.

pinolona - seeds or not, raisins come from satan's own ass and i won't stand for them. especially how the polish soak them first before putting them in cakes so that you bite into them like little bloated drowned fly corpses. shudder.

and yes, i know how to make barszcz. there are two types: the clear broth and the thick hearty type. i can email you if you like. waffle might ban us if we start trading recipes.

WV: oflatte - a coffe drink made with sour milk

Anonymous said...

When you cook aubergines they can go very soggy. So you chop them, layer them in a colander with salt sprinkled on each layer, put a couple of heavy books on top and leave for about an hour. Then wipe moisture off with a kitchen towel or teatowel. Voila! Nice firm aubergine. Never heard of soaking though and don't think that's necessary is it?
Fran

P.S. Sorry Waffle

Soda and Candy said...

Euw, eggplant.

Roasted veggies can be so good if you stick to potato, sweet potato, carrot, and don't mess with horrible turnips beets & such.

Also, LOVE your crafts!

Z said...

I've never been able to get rid of all that salt. I don't salt them any more and don't find them bitter or soggy. Well, not any more soggy than usual.

If you peel them, you can cook them in with meat, especially if it's minced, and the children will never know. Nor will the weepette. No need for you to eat the things.

fountain pen sue said...

Buy one of these: http://www.presentsformen.co.uk/product-PFM-Candle-Carver-5891/ and when the veg get old and smelly just lob them over the fence into into nextdoor's garden. 0% Guilt, 100% Satisfaction.

Margaret said...

Actually, I don't do anything to eggplants; I just have a glass of wine while my husband slaves over the stove. I don't know why I thought you soaked them--probably because my cooking expertise is limited to not burning my lips on the spoon when told Taste this, what do you think? I'm not very good even at that.

Helena said...

Pah, I feel your pain. In this house we all voted for statement jewellery. On the plus side though, your post today was so hilariously self-referential that C and I were both actually, properly and quite literally reduced to tears (c) and peeing (me) with laughter. I am not shitting you.
C says he was hoping for a turnip tiara. Maybe next time eh.
See you on Saturday, humungous popstar hangovers permitting. xxxx

PS. The baking will only take you a little bit longer I promise (I am shit at maths too).

Helena said...

Oh, and can you please do something about all these fucking recipes in your comments?! Perverts.

Jaywalker said...

Helena - I KNOW! Next recipe poster is BARRED. Freaking veg perverts. Go bother Nigel Slater or something. Polish girl, you can keep going because you make me laugh a lot.

pinolona said...

yes please do!!! but I opened my blog with my work email (this was before I had very much work) so I have to work out how to add a second one. Hang on, I'll email you...
I've definitely eaten barszcz at a Polish friend's house before so someone somewhere must have the recipe but I can't guarantee she didn't buy it from Alma in a bottle...

the polish chick said...

waffle, i am touched. pinolona and i have gotten a room and are busily trading pervy polish recipes and fondling beets together. it is HOTT.

pinolona - i did email you food porn. hope it arrived in one steaming juicy piece.

WV - irrapi - a cloven hoofed north african antelope, famous for its bad tempered eviscerations of the berber people

Metropolitan Mum said...

I can't believe I am going to miss Cruel Tea. Maybe I can leave the in-laws to themselves for an hour or two? "Sorry, got to run and buy a few You Suck biscuits. Later, guys!" Erm. Maybe not.

Also, I always thought being a vegetarian is a lame excuse for having Indian take outs and pizza galore?

peevish said...

Hey, congrats on making India Knight's list, though of course that means more demand for your biscuits, thus work for you. Shit.

Grit said...

and i just want to say bravo and good luck. may the arsebiscuits bring a whole new shipload of great adventure to your oven.

Anonymous said...

Good luck tomorrow with your fantastic arse biscuits!
:)

monk said...

Grey boulder salt? Why, you are WELCOME. You must only have another kilo or so to get throught, no?

Jaywalker said...

Monk, without you there would have been NO SALT AT ALL, so I am grateful, really I am. Good, good luckbringing salt.

Madame DeFarge said...

Should have gone to McDonalds instead. Far easier and you could have blogged too. And you've put me off vegetables for life.

Lisa said...

It seems that the people who put together the veg box have quite the sense of humor. But at least you have good follow through. I feel exonerated this time as I didn't respond to the poll. You can be sure, though, that next time you make that mistake, I'll be here to make a case for something that won't even come close to resembling healthful.

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