Saturday, 7 November 2009

Miss Havisham, no transport

I have half an hour before my free wifi expires. What can I tell you in half an hour? More than you could ever wish for, I fear.

I am in Edinburgh. Edinburgh, I can now tell you, is a goodly distance from Prestwick airport. A distance, indeed, that I would have thought exceeded the size of the whole of Scotland. I think my train went to every single place in the whole of Scotland yesterday, though perhaps my perception of time was skewed by my travel companions on the Ned Express and my fear that the one with the tracheotomy tube would come and sit next to me. By the time I got off I was drunk by proxy on Tennants Export and magazine induced shinything lust. When we wandered round Harvey Nichols later yesterday I kept stopping and saying 'ooh, I saw that in a magazine', until M was forced to beat me over the head with Elemis muscle soak.

I am also BROKEN. So, so broken. The knee of death is back and it is combining with Michael O'Leary Syndrome (pain, muscle ache, neck cramps and general lack of will to live caused by having to shove all possessions into tiny bag and cram into the yellow bird of death, herded by disdainful Eastern Europeans to probable death) to make me incapable of movement. I have hobbled along Princes Street drawing concerned and appalled stares, half expecting charitable Edinburgh ladies to shove 50p pieces into my pathetic claws. It's shaming, and humbling to be this immobile. You feel suddenly vulnerable, and a bit ridiculous. I have to wait for the green man to cross roads and, like a Dalek, stairs unman me completely. It makes me worry about old age. Possibly I am there already, on the strength of this. How will I cope on my own? How will I even manage the move? It's in a week, holy mother of Nathan. At this rate I will have to adopt Mya's recent suggestion to train the weepette to pull a small bath chair. Given he remains resistant to understanding basic commands like 'Heel', this is unlikely to be achievable within a week. It's going to be Dr Kevorkian time again.

More immediately, more pressingly, more shallowly, I am concerned about M's birthday party tonight. She is considerably younger than me (we can share a brain despite this due to her egregious old lady tendencies, particularly in the fields of knitting) and all the dirty students she has promised to lay on for me will be appalled and disgusted at the sight of my decreptitude. I have brought two dresses with me in a feat of Michael O'Leary defying packing prowess, but neither of them cover the knee of death which is currently the size of, ooh, a galia melon? Heading towards pumpkin? I could wear what I am wearing now (+J v neck jumper and Gap skating skirt), but it's already on its second day. And there were cocktails yesterday so there are probably holes and stains I haven't even noticed yet.

So. Task for readership. What can I wear/do to deal with giant decrepit old lady failing body? How can I transform myself into the usual sultry WaffleSiren (cough cough, hem hem)? I have about £80, all day, and limited mobility. Go on, get creative.

35 comments:

Evitchka said...

Edinburgh is pants for shopping. Go to Oxfam. Hopefully you'll find something amazing!
And have you tried Hornbeam Bach flower rememdy? When I'm suffering from debilitatedness, that sorts me out. And I must be twice your age!Good luck

Julia Ball said...

I know that you designer magazined shiny wantoness will hate me for saying this, but are you near a primark? you can get something really cheap to wear for today and then thow it in the charity box tomorrow.

Primark is really the new GAP haha

Lots of shiny stuff, bags pants etc for next to nothing. Save your money for more cocktails :-)

Julia Ball said...

Primark in Edinburgh is actully in Princes Street.

livesbythewoods said...

You will look fab regardless of outfit. Get a v glam new scarf/corsage flower/lipstick and just accessorize up a bit.

I recommend Accessorize as cheap, cheerful and probably nearby.

Julia is right, get something from Primark and then funk it up a tad.

WV is phtfors, a noise I suggest you make if anyone bothers you.

M. said...

Contrary to popular misconceptions, there is actually no Primark in Edinburgh. You would have to get on a Ned Express all the way back to Glasgow I'm afraid. Also, don't be such a sissy. 4 years is not "considerably younger". I've asked the bar to install a stair lift to bring us up to the cocktail balcony. No one will notice the knee of death. I'll be wearing a GIRDLE for nathan's sake.

smackcrumplebang said...

Dearest Wafflemere,

I have some suggestions:

1) Use curtains of scottish hotel to fashion some sort of tribute to braveheart type wrap thing. All scottish hotels have a scottishy theme do they not - so hopefully that will look tasteful. For a brooch? (how wierd does the word brooch look when you write it down? brooooch) use the smoke alarm - every hotel room has one. You can decorate it by weaving pigeon feathers through the smoke detection holes (the pigeon feathers will hopefully be on your windowsill)

2) In the unlikely event that the DIY Machotelroomchic idea above doesnt work then do a mariah carey and attach some sort of smoke and/or haze producing device to your person. The woman doesnt actually move, she glides - so therefore probably is dependent on wheels BUT YOU CAN'T SEE THEM THROUGH THE SMOKE. its genius non?

3) Late Halloween - dress yourself up as THE WOMAN WHOSE KNEE ATE CHILDREN draw a totally scary face/fangs on the cantaloupe knee and pass it off as carnivorous. Explain that in belgium halloween is held a week later because Queen Beatrix is allergic to number 31.

What do you think?

WB x

screamish said...

down the back of the castle in the old town side, down that steep windy wee road Victoria Street, go past the cheese shop, there's some sort of indie shopping gallery in an old church opposite, well keep going down to the bottom and you get to the grassmarket- right of the homeless outreach centre (i think) there used to be a FAB retro/vintage shop....lacy old lady shirts, 1970s ballgowns, ex army uniforms, feather boas, 1920s hats etc.

reckon thats your best bet...

RML- Being More Through Having Less said...

Spend the money on a massage and professionally applied makeup - beg at a makeup counter if necessary (you might look pitiful enough).

Massage should hopefully straighten you out a bit and throw on dress with opaque tights to cover knee.

ptooie said...

I LOVE smackcrumplebang's third idea. Conjures up fond memories of decorating grandmother as Frankenstein the year she had surgery to clear out both her carotid arteries right before Halloween.

Mya said...

Edinburgh is AWASH with surgeons. Find yourself a handsome one and get him to whisper your knee. If you are charming enough, he will no doubt lend you his pac-a mac (it is raining right now, isn't it?) which will hide your swollen gourd-esque joint. If you have time to kill, get him to give you a piggy back up Arthurs Seat.
And it was me, not Layla, who suggested the whole weepette-bath chair arrangement - not that I'm bitter or anything...just want to make sure I get credit for my unfeasible suggestions.
Mya x

Lucy Fishwife said...

Strap knee tightly with elastic bandage + Ralgex, and hide the whole mess under opaque black tights. Hobble becomingly, explaining to anyone who asks that you've just left a war zone but are unable to talk about it further. Then follow this up with 1000-yard stare and say "I've done things I'm not proud of, you know." ...

Jaywalker said...

Mya - I am SO SORRY! I will go back and correct that. It was Layla who coined 'Miss Havisham with transport'. But it was YOUR IDEA.

I like all of the ideas. My top two are knee whispering pacamac surgeon and Halloween knee with scary face. Mmmmmm.

Also, why did none of Scotchland people tell me about the miracle that is Hawkins Bazaar? It is a world of brilliance.

Also, say happy birthday to M. Happy Birthday M.

As you were.

Miss Vintage Vixen said...

Let me just tell you how completely freaked out I am! Yesterday me and a good friend were reading a summarized version of the play, I was Miss Havisham and she was Pip.

And she was the the cutest pip in the world, with a high-pitched English accent.

How do YOU know about Great Expectations?

Layla said...

Maya, many apologies for inadvertently stealing your thunder. Completely the Waffle's fault, obviously - she's not as good at taking her medication regularly as she ought to be, especially At A Time Like This.

Waffle, you should make a feature of the Knee of Doom. I agree with the late Hallowe'en theme: hollow out a pumpkin in an appropriate fashion,wind twinkly lights round your knee, insert your leg into pumpkin, adjust to knee height, and appear as the belle of the ball wearing perhaps the first ever mobile illuminated Jack O'Lantern in a decorative knee-supporting role.

Ah, if only all life's problems were so easily solved.

Have a truly fabulous evening and, however much you drink, do not - I repeat DO NOT - merge brains with M. If you do, you will both regret it.

You may be brain-twinned, but this should be in the manner of twinning
say, Slough with the Seventh Circle of Hell. Living with an actual Siamese brain could prove very difficult. Although awesomely powerful - Waffle squared... hmmm.

Layla said...

And another apology to Mya for mis-spelling her name.

WV= tutfan, which I think actually means something in Turkish.

Lisa-Marie said...

I am about to go to a posh party. I am wearing a purple a-line dress(nice jersey fabric),it has a back tie and some pleating, from Dorothy Perkins, and purpleand grey thick tights from M&S which were £6( and hold my tummy in) that leaves you 50 for shoes and a bag and a cardi- dorothy perkins hae all of these, as do Walls and many other shops. Go forth a purchase!

Anonymous said...

Can you find a link between food/activity and knee of death? I once had a semi knee of death, and spicy foods (including chutney etc) made problem worse. Can you swig lots of water, veggie juices and B vits - put calendular cream or other healing stuff from health-food shop on your knee? Alkalising the body can help with these types of inflammations and they can stay healed.

Iheartfashion said...

I recommend narcotics and opaque tights, which will hide the knee of death and/or leave you not caring.
Happy Birthday M!

jen hit the roof said...

Goodness, you are only about 30 miles away from me right now, not in some corner of Europe. Well I think you could probably fashion something out of a bin bag and still look better than most of the natives (kilts being the national dress says it all). I hope you have lots of fun despite the knee (just medicate, you'll blend in).

Mya said...

Please don't apologise, it's nothing...really...I was just a little alarmed for Layla's reputation...I'd hate everyone to think she was a nutjob, like me.
Very happy birthday M - What larks! as Pip would say.
Mya x

the polish chick said...

may i suggest a fetchingly tattered crinoline to continue the miss havisham theme? it'll peek becomingly from under your dress, whisper of yesteryears in a melancholy tone and cover the knee of death.

magpie said...

Is it not £6 to go anywhere in Edinburgh in a black cab? it certainly used to be. Going anywhere in a black cab always makes me feel nice. Most importantly knowing you can go home in a black cab means wearing something with holes in might make you look like you're one of those eccentric rich people who went to boarding school and wears moth eaten cashmere on principal because nurse used to fix everything and someone else bought all your clothes and shops scare you. Buy a really expensive walking stick to cultivate this look. The knee could be a polo accident.
Alternatively get drunk before you go out and you won't be able to fell your knee, or give a shit about it, anyway.
Third option is use your £80 to bribe a trainee medic from the university to give you drugs.
Or try the vintage shops - Edinburgh is great at them. This might be your best option.

pinolona said...

Nothing of the sort: the students will all be impressed by how elegant and sophisticated you are.
I heard there was a cool vintage shop on the Royal Mile... but I suspect it's closed now and you are already at the party: hope you have a good night!

Remember in Scotland you can buy cocodamol (in the form of Migraleve) without a prescription *sigh*: you can use it to stave off the knee pain until it's all over. Failing that, you can probably get something stronger down by the docks in Leith after 5pm...

(ps word verification - 'nogedies' = tragic things that happen after excessive consumption of egg nog)

livesbythewoods said...

Nogedies.

That's going to be the name of a trendy wine bar in 6 months, mark my words.

Where they will make eggnog-based cocktails.

WrathofDawn said...

I was going to suggest curtains but was pipped to the post by smackcrumplebang.

Drape them artfully and be the eccentric European lady of gr-r-r-reat mystery.

WrathofDawn said...

I was going to suggest curtains but was pipped to the post by smackcrumplebang.

Drape them artfully and be the eccentric European lady of gr-r-r-reat mystery.

Elsie said...

It's late, and I'm late in responding, but these are some things I hope: ooh, to see your writing in a magazine or book; to hear your wonderful boys and you and CFO are thriving in new arrangement of puzzle pieces; to purchase rude biscuits or tea cozies, somewhere, somehow. Hope you and M had good evening.

Anonymous said...

Wear a wrap-around cardie, a ballet skirt, dodgy ballet shoes (drag them throught the dirt a bit), carry a cane and talk in a spanishish accent and voila! Knee the size of a mellon is totally acceptable if you're a once upon a time famous ballerina.

But I see I'm too late.

Fran

bevchen said...

A belated happy birthday to M.

What did you do with the knee of death in the end?

Madame DeFarge said...

If you're in Edinburgh, you must buy something fetching and tartan. A box of Edinburgh rock will work a treat to accessorise any outfit.

TrulyMadlySweetly said...

Oh the horror that greets you at Prestwick Airport.... 'Pure Dead Brilliant' after the Ned Express.
Next time you come to Scotchland BW, come to Glasgow as Glasgow'S miles better. It is though!
After the genius that was 'Eat my Words' you and Mrs T really need to work for the Scottish Touristry board.

Views from the UK 2006 said...

I can understand the nightmare of public transport, coming back from Uni meet of old friends, had to take train and bus, complete nigtmare, well its Wales, full of nutters and people who should do national service!! Nice to know that Scotland is ever worse, post made me smile, thanks

Metropolitan Mum said...

I see, I am late again. Hope you and the knee had a brilliant fete.

Mme X said...

Too late for last night's occasion but maybe something useful to bear in mind? I know first hand how strangely embarrassing it can feel to be and to be seen as infirm. It shouldn't be; ever. (I am ashamed to write this granting that my experience of "infirm" is but a miniscule fraction of that of millions of others-- please know that I'm aware of this and don't mean to be flippant.) Wear the infirmity bravely and with glory-- even with flamboyance, if you feel so inclined. Find and use a cane or a walking stick. Accept help. Stand as tall as your knee will allow you. Attitude-- felt, not just performed, if you can manage it-- will make you feel better, braver and more beautiful. Which you are-- very much-- inside and out. xx

Should try harder mum said...

I have been lost in your blog for two whole days - two whole days! I'm a mature (42 yr old, mother of 3)student, currently on reading week, who should be absorbed by Clarissa and The Jew of Malta but I'm absorbed by your blog instead - it's brilliant. Honest, poignant and very funny - I laughed out loud many times (your narrative about the bazaar shop window, the hippy festival in the woods, the 'I'm going to buy MBT shoes' conversation with you colleagues). V v funny. Thank you. Wishing you lots of strength and support in the coming weeks of change.