Thursday, 5 November 2009

I am not even slightly dead


Things that have not happened to me:

1. I have not been consumed by a passion for Sudoku so great I can no longer blog.

2. I have not injured my typing arms in any way.

3. I am not so consumed with trauma that I cannot get out of a rocking foetal ball on the floor.

4. I have not been placed under an injunction not to write on my weblog.

5. I have not abused drugs or alcohol to such a degree I am incoherent and cannot form sentences (this might prove to be a mistake on my part).

6. I have not had a change of heart and stopped blogging altogether.

7. Oscar has not chewed my face off.

8. La belle-mère has not stuffed me in the cocotte minute and made me into soup for taking a candid shot of her and beau-père doing synchronised sudoku in their slippers (try saying that after a couple of lychee martinis).


I have been in Geneva thrashing out a Waffle version of the Versailles Treaty with the CFO. We have agreed on the essential points as follows:

- We are ace at breaking up. I, in particular, win the Oscar for best break up. Amusingly, my prize is Oscar. Oh, how we laughed!

- Our children are fucking brilliant.

- I will still go shopping for clothes with him when he needs more clothes.

- The end.

Good, no? In between thrashing out these crucial points, we bought him a very late birthday present, had too much to drink and squabbled and fell over and so on.

I will try and post tomorrow but I am in Scotch Land celebrating M, my brain twin's birthday.

(Incidentally, can some grammar drone explain to me the correct way of doing that last sentence? Do I have to say "celebrating the birthday of my brain twin M" to avoid getting tangled in missing apostrophes? )

We will be celebrating in traditional Scotch Land fashion by leering at students, saying "cock" a lot and drinking stuff with lychees in. Oh, and plotting our continued world domination through the medium of mean crafts. I promise to report back incoherently afterwards, even if I fail to do so while I am there.


victoriark said...

Ok. Third attempt to say something incisive and or witty. Big fail on my part. What I really want to say is that I am thinking of you all and you have my best wishes. Much Love. V.

M. said...

Cock. I hope they have lychees.

the polish chick said...

lychee on a cock would make a fetching cocktail (i know, i know) stick. cheers!

Belle_Lulu said...

Your version of the Treaty of Versailles is WAY more impressive than mine. Well done.

Keep up the lychee ingestion and stop caring so much about grammar. It's a relatively new concept and we did rather well without it for ages anyway!

Lastly - what V said - only less well put. xxx

Anonymous said...

Yes, Lulu,but grammar can be so comforting sometimes! When everything else is going to hell in a handcart and you just can't be arsed to care, you can still fret over nice grammatical points and it give you the illusion of control. Works for me, anyway

Juci said...

I am especially happy about nos. 3. and 6, but the whole list fills me with relief.
Lychee Martinis sound delicious. They must be worth starring in an episode of Extreme Hangover Home Edition.

Mr London Street said...

Boy, you write an upbeat post and you only get six comments? Madness!

I feel I ought to comment if only to congratulate you that things are upbeat. Long may it last.

Kelly said...

hello. I have resisted commenting for so long, not sure why, arms intact. However, i havent even passed your first three sentences and feel the needto do so .now. You need to belong to the blogger who now has a publishing contract.

Metropolitan Mum said...

You are breaking up? Or is the treaty meant to keep the peace, i.e. you are not breaking up? I need to come here more regularly. Or sleep more. Or both.

Z said...

Ooh, I perked up no end at the request for a grammar drone.

I think that it's important, in a blog, to say words in an order that might actually come out of someone's mouth. And you wouldn't say "celebrating the birthday of my brain twin M", however correct it is. However, your original phrase needs a comment between twin and the apostrophe, which obviously doesn't work.

I suggest "celebrating my brain twin M's birthday".

All four of you are "fucking brilliant" (I put that in quotation marks to demonstrate that I am not swearing, Anon darling). And it's good that you and the CFO had time on your own to discuss things fully.

Anonymous said...

Oh, the maturity of your break-up!

Talked to a recently separated mother today who told me her ex cries hysterically on a regular basis in front of the children, saying that he's never going to get over it. Pours all his troubles on the children (who are very young). Teachers tell her the children are totally absent-minded all the time and in the evenings she has to field questions about why she doesn't love their dad any more.
Of course separation is hard, but it's definitely much harder for some people.
Wishing you the best in every possible sense.

The Spicers said...

You DO deserve a prize for most mature break-up. Best to all.

GingerB said...

Cock a leekie soup is available in Scotland. Hmm. So glad you are not remotely dead, and thinking of you lots, because I love you. And jealous, because I love Scotland, so eat a caramel shortbread for me in addition to your daily dose of cake. And if you are in Edinburgh, a deep fried white pudding from a chippie is extra nice too.

leChômage! said...

I read about the 'waffling' reading the sunday times. The moment I saw 'Brussels' I thought we have something in common and I have to participate in this blogging. I am not very good in putting my thoughts and ideas on the paper let alone expressing my feelings but is it just me or Brussels put you down? Don't want to start nagging about the Bruxellois and so on and so forth but today on the phone with Belgacom trying to figure out what on earth happened to my brand new cable the person on the phone refused to help me because I did not speak flemish and gave me a whole speech about it (all of the above of course in english!) .......... And this is just a small example...... I wanna go home.......snif

Wouldn't mind some lychee martinis right now....especially made in LAN bar Beijing....and excuse me for my grammatical errors...I bet you can find loads!!!!

Mya said...

And a Tunnocks. Yum.
Well done for achieving an amicable parting of the ways - you both deserve huge credit for being so grown up. I could never be so mature...and I'm far more crusty and ancient than you two.
Woman's Hour was banging on about lychees today - (yeah, that's how exciting my day was)- if you eat over three hundred a day you get pimples,apparently.What kind of an idiot would eat 300 lychees a day?
Mya x


VUK said...

Euros do break up more better than us poor Brits, normally its plate throwing, and failed attempts to run you over ( well thats my record, still walking and not run over!!, women drivers not that targeted!! two out of two not bad!! ) I guess Brits take these things more badly, but we can drink for Europe ( my own personal record, 20 barcadies in a row, semi standing!! ) have a good time

Anonymous said...

Well done on doing it amicably; it is much better to be able to stay friendly than to start a war. I think your treaty of versailles is a marked improvement on the original.

I am thinking of you and wish you all the best as you sort everything out

Anonymous said...

Ah sunny ol' Scotland. Lychee cocktails? NOT the part of scotland I go to clearly. Have a haggis or two for me (so I don't have to).

I'm sorry about 5, but it sounds as if that's to be fairly quickly rectified.

Z, I'm very disappointed in another sneaky profanity.

Nimble said...

The internet missed you but is still functioning.

I think you all are moving to the new normal. Glad wardrobe ramifications have been settled.

Lychees are a wonderful fruit manifestation. Pointy/bumpy on the outside, lucious, pale and delicious inside with a hard polished heart (pit). Enjoy.

Z said...

Oh soddit, Fran, surely quoting doesn't count?

Anonymous said...

I too read about the Blog in the Sunday Times and it is great. Only read the past month though, so not too sure what is going on historically. You are the first and so far only blog I have ever read (how sad does that sound?please don't answer that!)
Does anyone else think that peeled lychees look like dead eyeballs?

bevchen said...

You totally deserve a prize for most mature break up. Or at least a wheelbarrow full of Dairy Milk and Hula Hoops.
You totally rock.

auntiegwen said...

Enjoy The Mother Country.

It will get easier in time, promise.

And if it doesn't you can come live in the house of dysfunction with The Beautiful Children and I.

Love love xx

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