Thursday, 12 November 2009

Capybara Clinic is back

I'm not replying to comments individually at the moment, and that really pisses me off. I am so sorry. I am reading all of them and they are so sweet and thoughtful and helpful and funny. I wish you were all round the corner so we could drink gin and kvetch and laugh (except, I would not wish that on you. Belgium is an acquired taste, like, er, gizzards or something). I really REALLY want to reply but OHMYFUCKINGGOD I move out in 4 days and the new house contains only an Ektorp, four chairs and two large plush animals, a dog and a seal (yes, maman has been taking the children Guilt Shopping).


(As an aside, I am quite enjoying the random and unhelpful way I am acquiring stuff for the house. I just wave my lists madly in front of my eyes until they focus on something, drive to the appropriate shop and buy one at random. Sadly, this being Belgium, none of the stuff I believe I have bought (it may be an extended hallucination) has been delivered yet, and I am beginning to believe it never will be. No matter, I have sufficient soft stuff to fashion a large nest, and who needs a fridge anyway? It's cold out. The Bonne Maman crème caramels can live in the back yard, student accommodation style. On the best case scenario I will only have to sleep on the floor for, ooh, four days. I'll be fine. So will my gay adoptive son, I hope, when he comes to build a giant phallus out of waffles in the back yard and bring me pope shaped gifts next week. He's young and resilient. I hope.)


So. In the interests of Giving Something Back to the internet for its humour and compassion and cleverness, I am calling Dr Capybara back for another session. He hasn't offered his services for far too long and god knows, I have got unbelievably whiny and pathetic in his absence. I need a good, long, rodent kick. I need to be called "punk" and scorned. I bet you do too.


So. Please place your questions or problems for Dr Capybara in the comments and he will answer them. I have placed a large sum of Venezuelan dollars in a numbered account in the Cayman Islands, so satisfaction is most certainly guaranteed.


I will start the furry ball rolling with this:

Dear Dr Capybara,

I have the feeling that all the tradespeople I have encountered over the last month in setting up my new home are robbing and cheating me and I am too British to do anything about it. I agree to outlandish prices, stupidly long delivery times and am repeatedly, egregiously lied to whilst all the time I behave with exquisite, idiotic politeness.

"Oh goodness! €2000000 for a second hand mattress from your basement that you can't deliver until next June? That seems perfectly, er, reasonable. Of course. Where do I sign?"

Please can you give me some tips on rodenty South American assertiveness.

Many thanks,

Emma

20 comments:

justmeagain said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dashtimargo said...

Dear Dr Capybara
Despite a collection of years, I still cannot disconnect myself from the phone at just that moment I should leave it well alone. That niggling voice which says, just give a call and see what he's thinking, even though I have no intention of seeing things through. What to do? How to wrestle that pointless urge to the ground.

Artichoke Queen said...

Dear Dr Capybara,

What the fuck is up with that owl in a box?

Persephone said...

Dear Dr Capybara,

I've just gotten off the bus with younger daughter who has PPD-NOS (which basically means she's somewhere on the autism spectrum but *&%# if the experts know where). A former classmate of my daughter who now goes to a different school, greeted her and, presumably in a clumsy attempt to impress me, spoke to my daughter as if she were three instead of thirteen. (Younger daughter has memory issues which slows down her processing of language, but is not an imbecile.)

Do I:
a) engage in witty sarcasm that will probably fly over former classmate's head, but make me feel better?

b) push her in front of traffic and tell her mother it was a tragic accident?

c) take another route home that will add another half hour to the hour-long journey?

GingerB said...

Dear Dr. Capybara,

Have you seen my portrait of you done entirely in salami? Did you find your likeness to your liking, especially as it was presented in a fatty meaty medium?

Also, what is your advice on how to avoid hamthrax?

pinolona said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jessica K said...

Dear Dr. Capybara,
I have gone back to school at my advanced age and am loving it but my brain is hurting and I dont think my brain can absorb the increasing amounts of medical knowledge being thrown (almost literally) at me.
Although I was not brought up to think that way, should I just have sucked it up and married rich?

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr. Capybara,

Shall I bring a sleeping bag to Belgium on my pilgrimage - or shall I make myself a nest upon arrival out of 1970s news clippings of Pope John Paul II (god rest his ancient shrivelled old soul)

Are there any english things which I could smuggle into the Belgium which you think waffle might need i.e. marmalade? I think perhaps you may tell me to 'back my bitch ass off punk' or somesuch capybaraism... but its worth an ask, even if you think sleeping bags are for pygmy jerboas and marmalade is just jam made by partially sighted people who can't tell the difference between a strawberry and an old orange...

Wafflebebe X

probablyshouldknowbetteratmyage said...

Dear Dr C....
It is perilously close to 1:30. I am awake. I ABHOR whiskey, and yet I'm on my second (hot tody style) and craving a possible third. WHAT should I do? Also. Just broken contact (as you do) with a women I never expected to find. Another whiskey eh?

Margaret said...

1. Whew. I feel so much better about not commenting on your posts. I’ve been reading them, but the mother-in-law is visiting, and oh God. Reading your posts is giving me a tiny bit of sanity.
a. You certainly do not need a fridge. Right after college, a former classmate was visiting and telling me of his post-collegiate life in Austin, Texas. He described a fairly Spartan house he shared with some other guys and mentioned that they didn’t have a refrigerator. My bourgeoise mind could not handle this and kept trying to come up with reasons why they should have a fridge. Finally, I hit on it: Well, what about beer? What do you do about storing beer? His answer: We buy it cold and drink it fast. I’ve never really been able to maintain a fully middle-class attitude about the “proper” way to maintain a household since.
iii. And justmeagain, I’m drunk and angry at my husband, so I probably should shut up, but apparently I’m not. I think you are just having an Inappropriate Sexual Fantasy because you are bored/unhappy/not getting enough sex. At least that’s why I have IF’s: Oddly sexy girls, the maintenance guy (albeit, legitimately hot), some old man on the subway, someone I know socially; the more appalling, the better. I am no Capybara, but it sounds pretty normal to me.
D. probablyshouldknowbetteratmyage: It is 1:32 here, which means I am talking to you from The Future. The Future wants you to have another whisky. It will help you sleep.

Dr Capybara is totally going to kick my ass, isn't he?

Dr Capybara, punks said...

Dear Emma,

Do they grow spines in Belgium? Or perhaps you could order one off the
internet? I suppose it would probably arrive after your (clearly
fictitious) mattress and other needless human foibles. Never mind, you
are fucked. I'd suggest some nice hay bedding but such fineries are
way too good for you, punk.

Dear justmeagain,

Check yourself in to an early retirement hope. You can feel abandoned,
neglected, and rejected there too, but on top of that you will have to
pay for the privilege. Perfect excuse to feel sorry for yourself,
hmmm?

Dear Dashtimargo

"He" is probably thinking please leave me alone, you strange woman.

Dear Artichoke Queen

Beats me. But I'm pleased someone is finally asking the right
questions around here.

Dear Persephone

Just kick her in the shins every time she does it. She'll soon learn.
If not, you might suggest to her mother she ought to seek expert
medical attention. Feel free to pass her my details.

Dear Ginger B,

Ooooh yeah, good one Ginge, let's make me even MORE attractive to
those bastard dinosaurs. No, really, my ample, muscled thighs and
soft, luscious behind are not appetizing enough. Just pour ghee over
me while you're at it, CAPYBARA MURDERER.

Dear Pinolona,

Ask Ginge. She has a surplus of salamis. I believe they can be put to good use.

Dr Capybara, punks said...

Dear Jessica,

Ooh, what's that I can hear? Is it the sound of WHINING? Medicine is not for everyone. Maybe you should take up something more your level, like, breathing through your mouth?

Next!

Dear Wafflebébé

What? Sorry, am I supposed to care? I dozed off.


Dear Probablyshouldknowbetteratmyage,

Ah, you are breaking my cold, dead, furry heart. Actually, you aren't. I confused heartbreak and indigestion. Come back when you have a proper problem. For now there are plenty of willing internet sluts to fill the gaping void in your soul.

Dr Capybara, punks said...

Dear Margaret

Are you trying to take my job? Do you have a medical degree from the internet university of Bogota State? NO. Get back in your box, punk. Also, you are depraved.

justmeagain said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Disinclined female said...

Dear Dr Capybara,

Firstly, You seem to have provoked a rash of comment deletion with your furry no nonsense advice. I promise not to delete mine.

My question is this: Are there any healthy relationships or sane single people in existence? Does the capybara community offer any helpful relationship models for the single human female? I am beginning to think I would be better off just getting a cactus than trying to find another man. They are all rubbish. So are cactuses but at least they can't talk.

Thank you.

pinolona said...

Dear Dr Capybara,

I'm sorry I deleted my comment because I wrote it when I was drunk. I do however deeply appreciate your advice and shall get myself to the nearest purveyor of charcuterie post-haste.

I am now going to proceed to step on your toes by advising disinclined female that there are no sane single people and could she let me know if she finds a good place to pick up cacti?

Bryony said...

Dear Dr Capybara,

Would your teeth bite through a plaster cast? If so, can you come round now?

Jessica K said...

Dear Dr. Capybara,
Mouth breathing I can try, but I do occasionally drool in the process. Fail?

Sophia Romy said...

EVERY WOMAN IN LIFE ALWAYS PRAYS TO HAVE A MAN OF HER OWN AND A
FAITHFUL ONE AT THAT THEN START GIVING BIRTH TO CHILDREN, I AM SOPHIA
ROOMY FROM USA MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR FOUR YEARS NOW
AND GOD BLESSED US WITH TWO KIDS TO CALL OUR OWN. SOME TIME EARLY LAST
YEAR I GOT A BUSINESS TRIP TO DO IN DUBAI WHICH I SPENT 3 MONTHS
DOING.WHEN I CAME BACK FROM MY BUSINESS TRIP AFTER ABOUT TWO TO THREE
WEEKS I STARTED OBSERVING SOME STRANGE MOVES OF MY HUSBAND,HE NOW GOES
OUT ALWAYS,COMES HOME LATE,HE DOES NO LONGER LET ME TOUCH HIS PHONE,HE
NO LONGER GIVES ME HIS TIME LIKE BEFORE AND THE WORST PART OF IT ALL
HE DOES NO LONGER PRAY AND GO TO CHURCH ANY MORE I WAS NOT HAPPY WITH
WHAT WAS GOING ON ANY MORE I TRIED ALL I COULD DO TO MAKE HIM HAPPY
BUT NOTHING WORKED.ON THIS FAITHFUL DAY WHEN I CAME BACK FROM WORK I
CAUGHT MY HUSBAND ON OUR MATRIMONIAL BED WITH A LADY I WAS SO HEART
BROKEN AND I TRIED ASKING HIM WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM THE NEXT THING
HE COULD DO WAS TO GIVE ME A SLAP AND THEN HE PACKED HIS THINGS AND HE
LEFT I EVEN TRIED BEGIN HIM ALL BECAUSE OF THE LOVE I HAD FOR HIM,I
HAD TRIED ALL POSSIBLE MEANS TO GET HIM BACK ALL TO NO AVAIL I HAD
PRAYED,FASTED AND CALLED HIM ON PHONE I NEVER IN MY LIFE BELIEVED THIS
WOULD HAPPEN TO ME.I WAS TRYING TO PREPARE SOME DOCUMENT ONLINE WHEN I
SAW SOME POST AND TESTIMONIES OF SO MANY PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY
GOT THEIR HUSBAND AND BOY FRIEND BACK TRUE THE HELP OF.
GODSSUCESSTEMPLE SOME TALKING ABOUT CANCER I WAS LIKE HOW CAN THIS
HAPPEN BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER HAIRED OR SEEN SOME THING LIKE THIS BEFORE
BECAUSE I WAS SO VERY EAGER TO GET MY HUSBAND BACK I QUICKLY PICKED UP
MY PHONE I COLLECTED THE NUMBER AND THE MAIL I CALLED THE NUMBER WAS
NOT GOING TRUE THEN I EMAILED THEM AND THE NEXT DAY I GOT A REPLY AND
I EXPLAINED MY PROBLEMS TO THEM AND THEY ASSURED ME I WAS GOING TO GET
MY HUSBAND BACK I WAS LIKE HOW THEY TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY I DID EVERY
NECESSARY THING I WAS ASKED TO DO AND TO MY GREATEST SURPRISE BEFORE
THE NEXT DAY WHEN I CAME BACK FROM WORK I SAW MY HUSBAND AND HE WAS
PLEADING FOR FORGIVENESS I FORGAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE I KNEW IT
WAS THE HAND WORK OF THE DEVIL I TANK GOD TODAY FOR USING
GODSSUCESSTEMPLE TO BRING BACK MY HUSBAND BACK, ARE YOU A MOTHER OR A YOUNG LADY OUT
THERE? WHO IS PASSING TRUE MATRIMONIAL PROBLEMS PLEASE CONTACT
GODSSUCESSTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM OR CALL +2348163241499 INDEED THEY TRULY HAVE THE POWERS TO SOLVE MARITAL AND RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.

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