Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Birds, Stump, Stuff


Ah, fuck it. I don't have much to say. Look at these owls instead (no, don't get excited, they are merely cute, not epoch-defining like Owl in a Box). Hey! Wanstead Bird guy! This is the SECOND time I have featured birds on my weblog since you linked to me. Flattered? I could tell you about the seagull I met in Edinburgh too. Well, when I say "met", I mean "limped away from, whimpering in terror". It was the size of a horse. At this point it is incumbent upon me to say that anyone who hasn't read Anna's post on seagulls must go and read it now.

Ok. Enough fucking birds [ed].


It is Armistice Day and a public holiday in Belge Land. I have spent a proportion of the day standing in my new back garden getting wet feet and talking about a "souche" (tree stump). I don't give a shit about the tree stump, but the neighbours who have escaped from the famous French film "La vie est une longue fleuve tranquille", do. The neighbours are ostentatiously Catholic and have SIX tweedy blond children. The two eldest are respectively "chez les Jésuites" and "au séminaire". Madame has perfected what I call "le style biscotte" a combination of extreme dessicated thinness (due to a diet of Sveltesse prune flavoured yoghurts and biscottes, those crumbling, joyless French bread substitutes), a pie crust blouse and a cardigan with gold buttons pulled tightly over concave chest and the incontournable bouche en cul de chat (cat's arse face). Le tout accessorised with a drooping Christ crucifix. Oh, I imagine she alternates with a nylon ribbed polo neck.

[I am being mean about my new neighbour. I know this is bad. But there is practically nothing and noone I can be mean about any more and I am in the mood for employing Mrs Trefusis's infamous ninja toasting fork. I am not Fotherington Thomas, dammit and if you are expecting me to rhapsodise about the light fading over the Atomium and the kitteny softness of babies' cheeks you have come to the wrong place.]

I am apparently responsible for this fucking souche and its removal. I am not enthused. Once more, this does not seem to be the kind of expenditure likely to bring me Roland Mouret dresses. Maybe I can have a debauched tree stump party? We can sacrifice virgins and small goats on its slimy, mouldering surface. Raise spirits?


Contents of the new house today:

1 (white! HA!) Ektorp sofa.

Some towels.

Some duvets.

Some curtains, still in packets

A roll of tin foil

An empty Maltesers packet

Likely additions before I moving in this Monday:

A bottle of gin

A hot water bottle

That seems sufficient, no?


justmeagain said...

perhaps a FULL amlteseds packet (family size)? Other than that.....sounds fine. As long as you have internets?

justmeagain said...

Ooooops...dyslexia ruling tonight...I MEANT Maltesers....but you knew that. Yes?

Bryony said...

comedy breasts and Bet Lynch earrings to amuse the neighbours...

Helen Brocklebank said...

Mr Trefusis says your neigbour sounds like a femme mal baisee (can't do e acute on iPhone)
tee hee. I think that's RUDE

carolinefo said...

You have the Ektorp. The rest will follow.

Freddie is now wedded to his designated Ektorp and is rapidly metamorphosing from lean, mean street dog into chien de luxe.

C xxx

carla_fern said...

I didn't realize and I regret not knowing the detritus of the move, can only say that I, like the squashed arachnid, have seen better days.
Neighbours are, well let's face it generally a disappointment. They have 6 kids, let's hope that you didn't buy your house because of it!!
Don't judge the stump yet just assess the salmon paint and breathe...It will all work out. Perhaps it's time to visit the lovely Bakery a minute away!! xoxox.

M. said...

If you want, I have a cupboard full of unwanted shit I can ship your way. Contents: broken shoes, furry coats, plastic bits, lint, and whatnots.

Juci said...

I am with carla_fern on this one: you need a cake from that bakery, stat. Otherwise, you're all set.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps a second bottle of gin (just in case of emergencies), and some more Maltesers?


The Subtle Rudder said...

A bottle of gin is really all you need. The rest is fluff and dust-catchery.

pinolona said...

To go with the gin: tonic and limes. And I agree that the packet of Malteasers needs to be a full one. :)

Jonathan Lethbridge said...

Very flattered indeed, though not surprised. Birds, and nature generally, are the way forward. It took me a long time to realise this - I am now 34 and steadfastly ignored it all until about four years ago. Not that I am a latter-day Rousseau or anything, but I can't believe I had no appreciation for it for so long. Making up for lost time now. More impressive than your new-found love of birds though is your reference to Molesworth. I cannot recall anyone, ever, knowing about Molesworth. I usually get blank looks when I mention it. Splendid! Hope you settle in OK, neighbour sounds a barrel of laughs, even for Belgium. I had to look up what an Ektorp was. It seems to be a sofa. Am I missing something?

Anonymous said...

You have the Ektorp - what more do you need - a glass for the gin, perhaps? The neighbours sound a real bunch of fun - make sure they aren't trying to get you to get out their 'souche'. Get in touch with my lovely gardening man - you said you were going to, but I know he has been away on hols. but is back now.

The NewHusband has about twenty years of paperwork filling the garage - you want some? I'll bring it round at no cost ... you could paper the walls with it and hide the salmon paint.

The Spicers said...

I have a box marked "Stuff" that's remained unopened through my last 3 moves. I'm willing to ship it on the off-chance that it contains something useful.

Anne said...

Perhaps if you carved the stump into a likeness of the Sacred Heart? Your pagan ritual party sounds a good way to get that accomplished.

WrathofDawn said...

Chocolate. You need chocolate. Other than that. Enough is a good as a feast. Sufficient until the day is the veil thereof. So to speak.

WrathofDawn said...

Evil, not veil.

Typographic dyslexia is a terrible burden, you know.

Sonya said...

Hi Emma,

No - sounds good. Think of it as minimalism. Did you mention a corkscrew? Although, the New World wines have screw top now!

I'm not sure how I missed your Owl in a box previously. Probably reading at work and afraid to open the link. That is the BEST thing I have seen in weeks. What freaks me out - the look in his eyes is the same as my rescue tortie cat when she is cross with me. Need I say that when she looks like that I'm afraid to go to sleep at nights? She can also open any door that isn't dead-bolted.

Good luck with the move. Transitions are tough.

Kate said...

did you buy? i thought you were renting? is belgium that arsed up that renters are responsible for taking tree stumps out of their owners' properties? and as a lawyer, can't you find a way to lawyer yourself out of it?

sorry if that sounded grumpy. wasn't meant to be. half way through visit with MIL. trying to decide if drunkenness or sugar or sugary drunkenness or what will make it better. feel constant urge to explode screaming.

WV- joidelyt - maybe that would be a good french homeopathic drug to bring joi... the joy of being elite perhaps. and perhaps i need some to survive 6 more days of moping MIL

Laura said...

Ugh. Seagulls. One of the things I don't miss about Brighton (or anywhere in Sussex really, they come a reeeeeally bloody long way inland!).

One of those things you should cross the road to avoid, I think.

sally3195 said...

If you have duvets, you can make a nest. Probably on the Ektorp. Then it will all be OK.

Anonymous said...

This will make you smile!

magpie said...

It sounds like you are pretty sorted. Actually I lie, you are missing three very very crucial things.
A bottle opener.
Some biscuits.
A colander. (just trust me on this one and don't ask difficult questions)

But otherwise you are good to go.

Z said...

My reaction was the same as Kate's - I'd read my lease if I were you. Although I suspect that you don't intend to do a damn thing about the stump.

My other reaction was appreciation of your neighbours' enthusiastic and shameless sex life.

chittychat said...

Give the neighbour some arse biscuits??? Cat's arse biscuits?? I lived in rental houses with awful carpets and dismal walls and only survived by looking at pretty decorating pics in a folder (and wearing ear plugs). I move to a new house soon and have used a piece of cardboard to focus my ideas about the colours and styles I enjoy...slowly, slowly am I am creating my santuary around this. I hope your house becomes a sanctuary too.

Sewmouse said...

Being as you are in Belgium and Belgium is in that there old world Europe area, which has lots and lots of medieval and rennisance churches and buildings, I suggest you confiscate a gargoyle from one, put it on your lovely stump, surround it with a pentagram made of Legos and fallen leaves...

Anxious said...

"Owl in a box" has just made my day. Thank you. And good luck with the stump and all that goes with it.

westendmum said...

That's a very good list.

FYI: Ektorp white covers can be purchased online for £40 in the UK. We will shortly be ordering our third set – Erbie has blasé eating habits.

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