Monday, 5 October 2009

The Weekly Review that isn't

I was going to do one of those weekly review type posts, but when I typed 'Monday' the realisation hit me that I would far rather bury this week deep, deep in Satan's compost heap of crap weeks.

So edited highlights it is.

Er. I have not been out and had fun or indeed any entertaining catastrophes. I believe we established yesterday that noone gives a shit about what the weepette and I get up to in the forest in the mornings.

I made a sticky toffee cake. It had the most amazing caramel topping. We ate most of it directly out of the saucepan. I am ninety three percent caramel and the rest is remorse and indigestion.

Oh! And I got a new name. My new name is "le preneur" because I signed the lease on my new house. I am not going to say that again because I get palpitations. I will say, however, that I have rashly committed to put up a fence.

"Oui, oui il n'ya pas de souci" I said, blithely, carried away with delusions of my own competence.

I presume I do not need to tell you that I have no idea how to put up a fence. It falls into the currently vast category of 'things I do not know but need to learn fast' (see also: dealing with Belgacom, the most deliberately obtuse telecommunications company on the planet, building complex toys, budgeting, installing curtain rails, flatpack furniture, obtaining insurance in Belgium, navgiating Ikea solo, etc etc etc until I pass out hyperventilating).

Thankfully there is another category of 'stuff that will stand me in good stead'. Yes, I am all about the positive, sort of. I have found FOUR items in this category:

1. The Superpower of Non-squeamishness. I can deal with anything, however dead, disgusting, regurgitated.

2. The Total Absence of Fear - spiders, mice, burglars, foxes, airborne plagues, bats, moths, illness, the dark. Piece of piss. (er, the phone? not so much a piece of piss)

3. The Complete Acceptance of My Own Company - years of holidays in rural shitholes all alone with only a pile of novels and my parents to ignore have left me with no fear of solitude. I will be talking to myself, unwashed, eating only Bonne Maman Creme Caramel and have fingernails the length of pencils within a few weeks, but I will be perfectly at ease in my own company. Which is an excellent thing as noone else will dare come near me.

4. My Own Hammer. Yes, I only have one tool, but what a tool. It is a compact ladies' hammer from Barnitts, York's hardware emporium to the stars.

Armed with my four super assets (no, we are not talking about my quadraboob) I am ready to stride out and take possession of my new home. Je suis "le preneur!" Hear me roar! Just as soon as I have worked out how to communicate with my landlord using semaphore, because there's no way I'm picking up the phone.


Lucy Fishwife said...

Phone - SO with you there. If left to myself I neither answer the phone nor open mail unless handwritten. And not even then, if not within a week either side of my birthday. Only way to guarantee that I will pay bills on time is to disguise them as a Boden catalogue with 50% off offer.
Hammer - oh yes, also Stanley knife, multi-head screwdriver and (drumroll, gasp, etc) live electric wire detector on (permanent) loan from Mr F's best mate, which makes me feel like Bob Peck with geiger counter in Edge Of Darkness.

Bath bun said...

Well done Jaywalker. Hope its not too far away so we can still meet up. I have a passion for Ikea and know the one at Anderlect well. I rarely buy anything but just love being there - if they offered the possibility of sleepovers I would sign up like a shot. Sadly though, none of my family like going so I have few excuses to visit.

Bath bun said...

Forgot to say - as for phones why both? You can get the internet through the TV cable company.

Insomniac Mummy said...

Congratulations on becoming 'le preneur'!

I bloody hate the phone. Hate hate hate it. Texting? Fine. Conversation into a piece of plastic? Yikes.

I'd rather talk face to face anyday.


monk said...

Belgacom now sends e-bills. This is great if you haven't blocked yourself out of your special belgacom email account. And if they didn't send the replacement password to that very same account. And if you could bring yourself to phone up and sod it.

Here is some helpful dealing-with-it advice from a Woman Who Has Made It. I haven't clicked on the story, because I fear it won't live up to expectations, but here's the headline in The Times:

'Madeleine Albright reveals brooch diplomacy pinned down adversaries

America’s first female secretary of state has revealed how she used costume jewellery to make political statements'

No way the landlord will be able to stand firm when faced with a multi-faceted zirconia number

Anonymous said...

Le Preneur eh? Its snappy - I like it.

The fence sounds ominous - I am as ever at your service should you need any help.

Currently knee deep in totally over ambitious presentation on passion for interview on wednesday - so far there are pop-up elements, macarons, jesusii, apple macintoshes and now oscar wilde has made an appearance - it may be he and he alone who saves my sinking ship. I fear that perhaps you and your kind (the ladies of the internets) have rendered me incapable of ever being serious ever again.

What fun.

All love xxxxx

redfox said...

I like the sound of a "compact ladies' hammer," which sounds as if it could refer to all sorts of items, every one of them handy.

katyboo1 said...

am with you all the way on the hammer front. My mother always swears by a pair of needle nosed pliers as well. Would you like some as a house warming present? I can't see how they would help you put up a fence, but who knows?

MargotLeadbetter said...

I have a compact ladies' tool which incorporates hammer, knife, screwdriver, pliers, scissors and who knows what else. It is pink with polka dots. I don't know how I managed without it; it built me some bunkbeds on Saturday (to be honest I did help a bit).

Hunter said...

Is "compact ladies' hammer" a euphemism?

Liberty London Girl said...

3. The Complete Acceptance of My Own Company

Am also excellent at this.

Totally with Lucy: I never ever answer the phone. completely over-rated. LLGxx

The Spicers said...

Congratulations on your new place!
Being able to stand your own company is indeed a superpower. I start to go insane if I have to spend more than 8 consecutive hours alone.

Fat Controller said...

Might I suggest that your toolkit include a Mole grip as well? They're terribly useful, as you know, for turning off taps when the knobs fall of and, of course, for gripping moles.

Not to mention capybaras.

Anonymous said...

WV is bonzoone - is there something there? Probably a multi-compact tool kit. Show us pics of the new house - come on! You must have taken some.

Hateful 'phones ... I look at the number before picking up - and most of the time let it ring.

Soda and Candy said...


I'm so glad you have super-powers to sustain you! I am not particularly squeamish either...

...except for about maggots. If maggots touch any part of me I will cut it off (that is an empty threat, it hasn't happened).

durham girl said...

I hate phones with a passion too, never answer them. email/text/face to face preferable every time.

an aptitude for solitude and a basic tool kit sounds like a very good recipe for survival


Margaret said...

Why do you need a phone? Don't you have a mobile? We haven't had a landline since 2003 and haven't missed it at all. Once you get over the initial period of looking for a nonexistent answering machine light, it's great.

My dad's desert island tool is the needle-nose plier, too. (Refrain from my childhood: "Where are the goddamn needle-nose pliers?!") Also, a small, cordless screwdriver/drill can be invaluable. Not the gigantic drills that are difficult for our ladylike wrists to support, but the mini ones.

Anonymous said...

And you'll need a toolbox to house your hammer and your soon-to-be acquired needle-nose pliers. I also own and frequently use a multi-head screwdriver, a ratchet, a level, a metal tapemeasure, a spray can of WD40, some duct tape AND various sizes of nails and screws. I tell you, using this stuff is way more fun than housework!

WrathofDawn said...

Is it not normal to spend all non-work time alone?

Oh my. I've gotten it wrong again.

But I have a hammer AND various saws as well as the ubiquitous multi-screw driver AND I have duct tape and know how to use it!

My considerable expertise (ignore what the neighbours say) is at your disposal Madame Le Preneur.

Laura Jane said...

Hmm, big week! Thats a LOT to get organised.

Phone companies, Bah humbug. Getting those put on is a pain in the butt, you have my sympathies.

Fencing? Don't they sell fencing in IKEA? I'm shocked. Is Prog Rock Step-Dad any use at fencing?

Failing that.....Embrace the toolkit, Emma. Surrender to the toolkit.

Thinking of you, in this bittersweet Le Preneur phase.

LaurenR said...

I have been through the separation/divorce thing. So much to say about it. But just know, you'll be all right -- it'll all be okay.

bevchen said...

Am I the only one that doesn't know what Le Preneur means?

If I have to communicate with my landlady I do it via e-mail. So much less scary.

Anonymous said...

I would also strongly recommend the cordless screwdriver. I inherited all my husband's tools but, being a man he hadn't needed one of those. I had to get one when I couldn't undo any of the screws he had done up. I have two electric drills but I haven't worked out how to use them yet - I am still getting over the excitement of working out how to use the electric saw I bought with my birthday money.

You won't need to talk to anyone, you can have so much fun doing your own DIY/essential repairs and/or hacking down everything growing in the garden.

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