I was going to do one of those weekly review type posts, but when I typed 'Monday' the realisation hit me that I would far rather bury this week deep, deep in Satan's compost heap of crap weeks.
So edited highlights it is.
Er. I have not been out and had fun or indeed any entertaining catastrophes. I believe we established yesterday that noone gives a shit about what the weepette and I get up to in the forest in the mornings.
I made a sticky toffee cake. It had the most amazing caramel topping. We ate most of it directly out of the saucepan. I am ninety three percent caramel and the rest is remorse and indigestion.
Oh! And I got a new name. My new name is "le preneur" because I signed the lease on my new house. I am not going to say that again because I get palpitations. I will say, however, that I have rashly committed to put up a fence.
"Oui, oui il n'ya pas de souci" I said, blithely, carried away with delusions of my own competence.
I presume I do not need to tell you that I have no idea how to put up a fence. It falls into the currently vast category of 'things I do not know but need to learn fast' (see also: dealing with Belgacom, the most deliberately obtuse telecommunications company on the planet, building complex toys, budgeting, installing curtain rails, flatpack furniture, obtaining insurance in Belgium, navgiating Ikea solo, etc etc etc until I pass out hyperventilating).
Thankfully there is another category of 'stuff that will stand me in good stead'. Yes, I am all about the positive, sort of. I have found FOUR items in this category:
1. The Superpower of Non-squeamishness. I can deal with anything, however dead, disgusting, regurgitated.
2. The Total Absence of Fear - spiders, mice, burglars, foxes, airborne plagues, bats, moths, illness, the dark. Piece of piss. (er, the phone? not so much a piece of piss)
3. The Complete Acceptance of My Own Company - years of holidays in rural shitholes all alone with only a pile of novels and my parents to ignore have left me with no fear of solitude. I will be talking to myself, unwashed, eating only Bonne Maman Creme Caramel and have fingernails the length of pencils within a few weeks, but I will be perfectly at ease in my own company. Which is an excellent thing as noone else will dare come near me.
4. My Own Hammer. Yes, I only have one tool, but what a tool. It is a compact ladies' hammer from Barnitts, York's hardware emporium to the stars.
Armed with my four super assets (no, we are not talking about my quadraboob) I am ready to stride out and take possession of my new home. Je suis "le preneur!" Hear me roar! Just as soon as I have worked out how to communicate with my landlord using semaphore, because there's no way I'm picking up the phone.