Thursday, 8 October 2009

Sexy feet, boring clothes and Kate O'Mara eyebrows

After the gloom comes the shiny. You know how much I like shiny. Shiny, shiny distractions from what on earth a "garantie locative" is and how to obtain one, and how to get to Prestwick airport at 6am on a Sunday morning. Here are the shiny interludes from the last few days.

I did go to Uniqlo to check out the +J stuff. I really have no idea if I actually liked what I bought, or if I was merely dazzled by the shiny promise of rare, limited edition, designer cheapness and the glossy magazine hysteria ('Grazia says I have to buy it! Now!').

The hysteria propelled me to buy a black wool pencil skirt (£24.99) and a black merino jumper (also £24.99). They are unlikely to get anyone's pulse racing, but they are very useful, yawn. In fact, they might be a decent sleep aid. Look:




Look once before retiring, and zzzzzzzzz.



Also, I love how I can make brand new clothes look dishevelled and creased, and generally a bit lived in. I should work on historical film sets painstakingly ageing the costumes simply by eating my breakfast and walking the dog in them.

This gratuitous loo shot - I know you love checking out whether we ever change the copy of The Economist (answer: no) - allows me to segue seamlessly into yesterday, when I found myself sitting on the loo (and in the bath, and on the bed) at Papa Waffle's balancing a laptop and plate of waffles as a lovely photographer not acquainted with my total absence of motor skills encouraged me as follows:

"Could you just throw the waffle up in the air, then look at me and pretend to be typing. Then breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Remember, we're aiming for FUN".


(I'm contributing to an article on blogging. Yes! Blogging is fun! Noone mention the apocalypse!)

I particularly liked the bit where his sidekick, who has threatened to comment on these pages using his over the hill drag queen alter-ego if I misrepresent him, told me I should try and raise one eyebrow like Kate O'Mara.




I didn't like to tell him I don't have any eyebrows.


"Remember SEXY FEET Emma!".


Oh yes, sorry. Sexy feet, breathe through your mouth, Kate O'Mara eyebrows, toy with a piece of waffle, throw one up in the air and catch it AND type. And make it FUN. Easy. Especially when you are 83% white wine after a wonderful Twitter lunch here (mmm pizza bianca) with Mrs Trefusis and a selection of other luminaries (Mrs Trefusis did sterling work trying to persuade the other attendees to take a part share in the weepette, sadly without success).

Incapacited both by the wine and hilarity, I was very bad at all of this and haunted by the fear of leaving waffle crumbs. The Bearded One can be quite terrifying.

"Papa Waffle has a mouse problem" I would wail every few minutes, brushing ineffectually at the crumbling waffle mountain. "I'm DEAD if he ever sees this".

"Mouse! Good idea. Ok, Emma, how about balancing your mouse on top of that pile of waffles like a mouse mat?"

I can hardly bear to imagine what the results will be like. I deliberately didn't ask to see them in case they were crushing. I strongly suspect they will never see the light of day, but will be replaced with an archive picture of a waffle, or Hercule Poirot. They told me I was a "good sport" which sounds suspiciously to me as if I might have forty three chins and look like the village idiot. Perhaps Hercule is the way to go.

I also went from Reading, to Notting Hill, to Wimbledon to Soho, to the Acton Megabowl (for my niece's birthday party, terribly hungover and unwillingly assisted by a taciturn cab driver called Julian), back to Soho and back to Notting Hill all in 24 hours. My Oyster card is steaming, and I think that Boris Johnson should give me a medal, frankly.

I return on Sunday. I will have much to relate, I imagine and might even squeeze something in before then. Prayers, please, for Michael O'Leary's box of metal death not to fall out of the sky.

18 comments:

Layla said...

that's definitely one of your best ever loo photos!

I think you have invented a new fashion photography genre, and will be looking forward to Vogue's first ever Loo Edition.

Waffle on, Sister.

M. said...

Ugh, there is some sort of god awful bus that leaves at 3 am to get you to prestwitch by 6. Oh. But you're not going to Edinburgh, are you. PRESTWICK IS HELL. HEEEELLLLLLLL.

Nell said...

Wow, that outfit looks exactly like my older sister when she was 18 and I was 8 and I deperately wanted to be her.
That is a compliment, I promise.

Mr London Street said...

I felt like Reading was the poor relation of your whistle stop tour but then I remembered the Acton Megabowl and felt hugely comforted. Good old Acton, taking the 'i' out of 'action'.

Alice said...

My boyfriend just said, re: Kate O'Mara, "Is that photo a joke?"

Me: "No. What? Why?"

Him: "Because that is a male arm."

HE IS RIGHT.

Iheartfashion said...

Another Grace Coddington shoot in the loo I see. Excellent. Is it me, or are you getting tinier? I think the apocalypse diet is working.

@eloh said...

I'm looking forward to the pictures of your next loo.

Very nice, by the way, can't see the wrinkles.

Artichoke Queen said...

Nice J+. You will get lots of use. Frankly, have no idea what they look like because they're black and well, I can't quite tell where one garment ends and the next begins. But they look lovely together.

Does the new house have a full length mirror? Because I would miss the loo shoots if so. You must be sure to pack The Economist when you move. It will help you feel at home.

Please snog someone inappropriate at the wedding, in the name of the Sisterhood.

Laura and Ben said...

Oh god, I love those shoes.

dragondays said...

Excellent loo pic again.
Kate O'Mara is definitely a man!

Jane said...

Did you know that Prestwick airport is the only bit of Britain that Elvis ever visited??

You have to take a taxi to get that 6 am flight - been there, done that, missed the flight.....

Soda and Candy said...

I guess I must be boring, because I REALLY like your outfit. And looking lived-in is better than looking ostentatiously new and embarrassing the rest of your clothes.

I'm sure you ended up looking fabulous in the photos.

Red Shoes said...

God, you're incredibly pretty in this photo. Slim and glamorous and chic. Apocalypse diet, indeed.

Will the forced waffle photos be available for public consumption? Would love to see.

Hänni said...

Kate O' Mara is one sexy woman, isn't he?

Jaywalker said...

Layla - I do hope so. But what will I do in the new house? I can't just abandon the genre...

M - Hell with plush Loch Ness Monsters.

Nell - I'll take whatever I can get...

MLS - goodness, Reading had cocktails and everything. Acton had Sodastream.

Alice - He is so right. My god.

Iheart - No. I am not getting tinier. It must be the magic of J+. Win!

@eloh - I do hope it lends itself to photography...

AQ - no snogging. Couldn't tell who I was and wasn't related to.

Laura - thank you! They hurt like a bastard!

dragondays - who knew? Bizarre revelation.

Jane - we stayed in a mildewed guest house round the corner. Eek.

S&C - Well I'm boring too, so we can be boring together.

Red Shoes - no, no apocalypse diet, honest. Must be flattering clothes.. Yes, eventually they might be available for human consumption unless they are all consigned to the dustbin for being too hideous. Possible.

Hänni -he certainly is.

Anonymous said...

Alice and dragondays - watch your mouths about Kate thank you very much, rude people.

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