Wednesday, 14 October 2009

More shit hot parenting

See? I haven't forgotten about my children. Look, here they are. Sweet, resilient, affectionate, maddening. I hate that sofa though, it's slithery and unyielding. I can't wait to have an Ektorp or two all of my own. I like the weepette's expression of gloomy forbearance.

Shortly after I took this picture we had the following conversation:

L: Would Speedy Sexeur [the homosexual daschund in the parc du caca] sex with a hedgehog?
E: I doubt it.
F: It would pique his breasts.
L: Aïe! Ouille!
E: He doesn't have breasts, he's a boy.
F: But why did you say you would cut Oscar's breasts off to stop him sexing too much?
E: Not breasts! Testicules.
F: Ah! Testicules.
E: Actually, I don't know if they cut them off, or just empty them.
L: Maman, I liked it when we watched the rabbit sexing and his zizi went woooooo (mimes detumescence). Wooooo! Wooooo!
E: Mmm.

And all I can think is, "should I tell them that "sexer", "to sex" isn't a verb? Because I don't think there's a satisfactory equivalent.


Provincial Lady said...

No, leave them, they might make a fortune writing steamy novels when they're older and keep you in comfort and vodka in your old age.
wv: nobje. So topical!

Anonymous said...

I don't see why sexer shouldn't be a verb. And, didn't someone sing about sexing someone up? Perhaps ask someone who isn't almost at the bottom of the bottle however.

For interests of identity, I shall call myself my (not at all) real name of Fran. I alway fancied being a Fran. No idea why.

Layla said...

Just tell them that they can't do any sexing until they're at least 25, and in the meantime they can fill in all those long evenings by learning how to assemble Ikea flatpack furniture.

Do you think there's a cub/scout badge now for Ikea furniture assembly?

Do they have cubs and scouts in Belgium? If not, what is their weird Belgian Dadaist equivalent? Uniformed, para-military mime troupes?

wv: coome. Am increasingly convinced wv adjusts itself to the content of your posts

fountain pen sue said...

No. Provincial is quite right. J was devastated when he found out he couldn't get pregnant. However, he is now delighted that he has 'millions of seeds'. Unlike his father. Heh.

Anonymous said...

Please can you change your pic of the week as I am now profoundly disturbed by it in relation to this post.

Layla said...

Actually, as Anonymous(who has helpfully identified him/herself as Fran - good work!) says, 'to sex' can be a verb.

I once had to sex fruit flies (ie identify their sex by looking at their bits under a microscope) in a lab for a genetics practical.

Humiliatingly, my lab partner could do it with the naked eye; I couldn't do it even WITH the microscope.

Layla said...

But at least I wasn't partnered with the guy who decided to make some art by squashing lots of fruit flies between two pieces of paper.

After he'd sexed them, obviously.

Jaywalker said...

Picture of the week anon - I have replaced it with a picture by Lashes of the dog when he decided it was called "Nicola Sarkosi". Better? Or, er, not?

GingerB said...

My kids are too young to discuss any of this, so I am of no help. We act as if none of this existed.

I am so comforted knowing that half a world away, your sofa choices are the same as mine. We almost had Ektorps in our family room but my full sized husband looked silly on a petite, if comfy, sofa.

wv: proner probing boner? anyway, it sounds dirty so it probably is

Layla said...

But Ginger, the 3 seater Ektorp is HUGE - over 7 feet long.

How can it be described as 'petite'?
And if it is petite in relation to your husband, who the hell are you married to? Even Michael Jordan is only 6' 6"...

Puzzled of Ayvalik

Kitschen Pink said...

We had a curious conversation this week - keeping it light and fluffy - boy 'mummy did you know monkeys sex?' m 'yes darling it's like when we see them mating on the TV' [natural history programmes sweetie - nothing perverse] boy 'oh no! that's different! they do sex too'......I blame that he is now in the big boys playground - all manner of misapprehensions flying around which have to be dealt with on the journey home. I intend to lie when it gets too tricky. Just to ensure he doesn't know what to do until I approve of the girl... controlling mother? Me? Am I being fluffy enough dear one?

Jo said...

I can't read the writing on Nicola's pic apart from caca, obviously. Pls can you make it so it can be clicked on and enlarged, or tell us who's saying what?!

Jaywalker said...

I don't understand it and I have the original, Jo. But I'll add it on to the bottom of this post if you think it will help.

Artichoke Queen said...

Layla, if Ginger's half-way around the world is in the US, an Ektorp would be considered smallish. Standard 3-seaters just shy of 8 feet here. An Ektorp would be what we call "apartment sofa" size.

As for sexer, it is a most excellent verb and I am thinking about adopting it into my own regular lexicon. That is, if I ever had reason to use such a word. Which I fucking don't. Grrr.

Z said...

They cut 'em off. Afterwards, a weepette looks like a frog when it insists on lying on back with legs akimbo. Last resort, honestly.

A comfy armchair or sofa is the dog's bollocks though. With or without a dog attached.

Betty said...

You made me laugh. Out loud. On a packed bus going past Selfridge's.

Layla said...

Artichoke Queen, I think telling a seven foot Ektorp that it's only 'apartment sized' may be the sofa equivalent of telling a man that he has a very small willy.

My Ektorps are probably going to need counselling now..

Anonymous said...

On my first babysitting job with boyfriend, aged 16, my young charges trailed off to bed, pausing only to yell through the open door: "Are you going to sex her now, mister?"

He didn't, in case you were wondering. I was a good babysitter.

Only Anonymous due to interweb incompetence. I'm actually Jojo.

WrathofDawn said...

Well, there is, but it's very Anglo-Saxon and vulgar and probably get them thrown out of school.

Artichoke Queen said...

Layla, so sorry. I shall send your Ektorps a pillow or something as positive reinforcement of their loveliness.

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