Saturday, 24 October 2009

In which I plan the perfect weekend

Things really have to improve and quick.

Take last night. After a whole day pinned to my chair by a hot, sick child, I got drunk very fast and very early on red wine (never my drink of predilection), then lay outside in the rain on a green plastic bench under an ancient smelly Barbour jacket to hide from the hideous cacophony of Squarepusher ("a swarm of angry bees throwing saucepans down a lift shaft", thank you Fourstar). I followed that up with a spell of lying curled foetally round the dog watching Grand Designs and worked up to a crescendo of Friday night crapness by falling asleep halfway through House and having the dénouement explained as follows:

"C'était bien les médicaments, mais il avait comme une boule de nourriture dans l'estomac qui lachait les pillules au fur et à mesure".

What? A ball of food in his stomach that released pills gradually? Bleugh. I hoped fervently I was still drunk. I could totally have nightmares about that.

Anyway, I have decided that I shouldn't get that pathetic again. I have Plans. Oh, yes. I am taking my destiny in hand and changing my life.

Tonight I will drink vodka instead.

AND I have a face mask.

Yes! I am rising, triumphant, like a phoenix, from the ashes of Friday night. AND Fingers is busily giving me lovebites as I type. He's getting it a bit wrong though.

E: Are you biting me, Fingers?

F: Yes.

E: AAAAAH! It hurts.

F: Bon, là je ne fais que sucer. (ok, now I'm just sucking)

[Licks arm]

E: [writhing] Now it tickles!

F: Oh, j'ai beaucoup bavé là (I've dribbled a lot there)

[Lashes starts giving me a Chinese burn on the other arm]

E: Ok, maman needs to go and get a drink. Now.

I am sure you will agree that I have the (imminently) single girl weekend totally nailed.

(This is my roundabout way of saying that if you all have to invite me to all your social occasions from now on, or face a string of posts of increasingly bleak insanity, culminating in a post consisting of a row of random characters as I lay my face on the keyboard and die of social shame. Don't say I didn't warn you)



redfox said...

Well done. I endorse vodka over red wine -- less staining. Tonight I will be attending my first genuine social event in quite some time. It seems that I needed to visit my mother, and partake of her reflected sociability before this could happen, which tells you a little something about the level of my social awesomeness. Alas.

Jojo said...

That is uncannily close to my evening tonight. Except mine has also included over ordering of Chinese food (in lieu of healthy meal for family) and wearing of towelling dressing gown despite trailing sleeves in sweet and sour sauce.
Have drunk Budweiser, Cobra and now on yesterday's wine, which could alternate as balsamic vinegar, and trying to pretend dog isn't smelling as bad as he is.
You haven't got a monopoly on glamour in UCCLE, y'know xx

Pochyemu said...

I overdosed on Lemsip a little bit today...just to see what would happen. Beat that for fun, kids, I fucking dare you.

M. said...

Maman needs to start packing for the week end of debauchery, dirty students and cocktails. Though possibly not in that order. Bring the face mask.

Anonymous said...

Think yourself lucky; at least you have the kids for company. Mine have buggered off - one till thursday and one just for the evening. I can't even get drunk as I have to go and pick that one up later. The other one is sending sympathetic texts trying to cheer me up. Lying on a bench in the rain sounds quite appealing actually.

Soda and Candy said...

Are we talking a beauty mud mask or a novelty character plastic mask?

Either way, sounds pretty sweet.

Marie said...

I got my blog URLs mixed up and thought that this image, from Fail Blog, was "In which I plan the perfect weekend". Well, there is something to be said for it -

MargotLeadbetter said...

I don't would be so easy to say always go for cocktails. They make you feel stylish, plus you get that all important, life-giving combination of pure spirit + sugar + portion of fruit or veg. Hangovers are minimal, especially if you have plenty of cheese (apparently).

But sometimes we all need a change. Bubbly white wine to make you feel silly. Red to make you warm and sleepy. Beer for that lovely beery feeling (well described I thought). Whisky and coke to pep you up. Aaah...booze.

Margaret said...

Taking a second from my glamorous evening--it's 11:34 and I'm three-quarters through a bottle of red after a salad and cookies dinner. Why the salad? To make up for the leftover pizza late-afternoon snack. Why the cookies? Because the salad needed some balance. Watching A Fish Called Wanda even though I hate it. Husband has been snoring for half an hour, cat has abandoned the sorry scene in disgust. Live from New York, it's Saturday night!

bevchen said...

At least you had alcohol...

Mr London Street said...

It doesn't quite match up to watching the 'Bracknell Bees' lose 6-0 at ice hockey in a sporting venue that reeks of urine while surrounded by obese polyester-clad adults of indeterminate gender and screaming children now, does it?

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I 'ave spent the entire weekend in bed wearing a twelve year old Egyptian djellabah that my lovely neighbour brought me back from her hols as a pressie for cat-sitting, (not even sure if that's the right name but can't be arsed to check), fending off the 'orrible lurgy!

I would have swapped you for the red wine and mini-vampire bites! Take care x

Jaywalker said...

redfox - you are with child, and thus allowed to hibernate.

jojo - hmmm. it's not good, is it?

pochyemu - truly, you are living on the edge. Thank god for our party eh?

M - hee. I will need it. I will scare off the dirty students.

CA - Actually, the lying on the bench was something of a high point. I was at the perfect stage of intoxication. Recommended.

Soda & Candy - I'm not telling. I will leave you with the mental image of your choice.

Marie - I certainly like the first two elements.

Margot - You are a woman of great wisdom. Difficult to better the cocktail.

Margaret - I am obscurely comforted by that, so thank you.

Bevchen - if I hadn't, I would have drunk white spirit.

MLS - It would be hard to reach such heights. But I will continue to try.

Woman - He has very sharp teeth, I'm warning you.

pinolona said...

my weekend is very similar, but with fewer dogs and children. I don't know enough people here to organise social events, but if you want someone to drink vodka with I can certainly help. I'm good at that kind of help.

Jaywalker said...

I'm hardly demanding, Pinolona. Drinking vodka definitely counts as a social occasion. You can even come round and stroke (ADOPT) the weepette. Email me, am on my own all week, weeping into my gin.

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