Sunday, 18 October 2009

Eat Your Words (TM)

It is becoming increasingly evident that I need a money making scheme. My new landlord is pulling faces about my pathetic income and the spawn are bleeding me dry with their ceaseless demands for Gogos, Chupa Chups and weapons grade plutonium. On top of that I've fallen in love with this dress India put on her WORK OF THE DEVIL, sorry, site full of desirable things destined to bankrupt me.

Thankfully, with assistance from my team of creative thinkers (you know who you are but I imagine you'd rather I take sole responsibility for this particular project, if not, claim your glory in the comments) I have a Plan.

Building on the entirely unexpected success of Arse Biscuits this summer, I intend to launch "Eat Your Words", a range of evil, insulting, mean, homemade, organic biscuits*.

Compose your own message (thirteen characters maxium, which is oddly appropriate) or choose from one of our selection.

Selection 1: the baby shower, birth or christening selection box. Any new mummy will love this unique gift!

Selection 2: the wedding present:

A sensitive, moving single biscuit box for funerals:

Celebrate a friend or relative's exam success:

Or this 'generic insult' selection box is a touching, thoughtful gift for that special someone.

Suggest an occasion and a biscuit message in the comments (thirteen characters or less), and I'll make it for you.

(*When I say "intend to launch", obviously I mean "do not intend to launch at all, but will be furious if someone else does it")


fourstar said...

Bloody brilliant idea. I'm happy to put up some seed capital (or some flour).

Tigerbaps said...

Perhaps to celebrate an acrimonious split induced by a cheating permatanned hoor: SPUNKBUCKET

Liberty London Girl said...

Arsebiscuits LLGxx

Lisa-Marie said...

Hahaha, I found this this post, ans therefor your blog, via India Knight's twitter. I am highly amused, and so I shall be sticking about.

How about ' First day of High School' biscuits? Instead of ' Good Luck' and 'you'll do awesome' you could have 'Nobody likes you' and ' you're a failure?

English Mum said...

Hello! I also came via India Knight's twitter. She'll want paying soon. I'd like to volunteer my 'SHUT THE FUCK UP' idea. I could put them in my teenager's lunchbox...

Rachel said...

OMG, mis-read Crap in Bed as meaning they will crap in the bed!!!

How about for colleagues/bosses, to be left in communal coffee making area anonymously:

That was my idea
Stinky breath
Flies undone
Pervy groper
Office slut
Sneaky shit

bevchen said...

Excellent idea. You HAVE to launch it. Pleeeeease.

How about a leaving present box, featuring such lines as "GOOD RIDDANCE" and "4GOT U ALREADY" (it is possible to do numbers with that set, right?)

Mrs Jones said...

You could do a bollocks office-speak range including 'go with open kimono' although that may be a bit wordy.

Waffle said...

Oh dear Rachel, I'm shaking with laughter. You might win this. GENIUS.

evieloves said...

Hi - love the biscuits, fantastic idea, am sure they'll be great success! desp to find decent letter stamps for my silver clay - can you tell me where you found yours as it's a great font?

Mrs Jones said...

Dear everyone who wants to get the cookie cutter set - go here:

Yes, it seems you have to get them from Germany but I got mine from the above site and IT WAS LOVELY and not at all Teutonic. Go buy. Bake biscuits. Offend everyone. You know you want to....

MargotLeadbetter said...

I love your arsebiscuits! I'm going to mercilessly rip them off, but only for Christmas presents, not financial gain.

Crack whore
Shrieking harpy
Vinegar tits

Work range:
Blue sky thinking
Push the envelope
Re-invent the wheel

Variations on 'Nice' biscuits: Okay

(I used to work in a McVities factory packing biscuits. One of our best jokes was: 'These are Nice biscuits'. How we laughed! Every day! Also, bear in mind my previous experience and expertise if you go into business and need staff. I once received an appraisal which said 'Margot copes well with a difficult biscuit')

Kate said...

when your mom is being a miserable arse (not that i *ahem* know anything about this):

get over it
stop moping
wtf is wrong?
cough it up
U R miserable
what'd i do?
just go home

Kate said...

PS i think you are brilliant and should make them and sell them. i'm not kidding at all.

Mwa said...

Love 'em!

Baglady said...

My suggestion would be to make a whole box that say POISONOUS then no one will nick your biscuits. Simples.

Provincial Lady said...

Thank you Mrs Jones, I THINK I just bought the biscuit set... however my German is a wee bit rusty so who knows. Lucky Amazon looks the same in any language! If it arrives, then that's my Christmas presents sorted. When the waffle business launches maybe I could get the Cornwall franchise?

Ellie said...

Why on earth are you only going to THINK about launching this? You must do it. The world is a huge and wonderful place and I can think of seven people off the top of my head who would spend money on these. Please do it. Please.

Kate Lord Brown said...

Genius - would give the generic insult selection to several myopic people for Xmas.

How about branching out into dog biscuits for Weepette and friends? Much more fun than Bonios:

Smell my bum
Dogs b****cks


Sarah said...

I think you've just solved all my gift requirements for the next year if so (but am quite sure I shouldn't be in charge of the baking, so *please* set up ArseBiscuits LLC).

My idea is along the new-baby theme, but takes the form of a gift for an elder sibling (because you're always told not to forget a present for the first child when cooing over the baby):

You're screwed
Who's crying now?
We love him/her more
Another accident

Probably best if the elder child can't read, then the parents would get the benefit of the message & the toddler would get the benefit of the goodies. Right?

Or "walk of shame" biscuits:

Oh, yes you did
Fuckity fuck

(wv is "alsistr", which seems peculiarly appropriate)

TrulyScrumtious said...

Even the name of your brand is genuis, as are you.
I'd send a box to my ex, who is 'STILL A TOSSER'.

Waffle said...

I'll reply to you all properly anon, but Truly Scrumptious, I have to tell you straight away that it was the genius Mrs Trefusis who came up with the name.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I'd love those Teenage Biscuits, with STFU, and Whatever, and Get Thee To A Nunnery for the girls! Lovely, Emma - You have such non-Tortoisey talents - I see a future in Rude Belgian/Flemish Biscuits ahead of you! Mwah! x

Grit said...

they are so fantastic, i come here now to gaze lovingly at them. i'm sure they would be a brilliant seller. you will have to sell direct. waitrose might be a bit sniffy when it came to the cheating hoor spunkbucket mix; but you could do a shakespearean insult selection for them.

Insomniac Mummy said...

Laughing my ass off here! Too, too funny!


The Spicers said...

I'll take a box of the baby shower biscuits please.

Soda and Candy said...

Dude. You so have to launch these.

livesbythewoods said...

I'd like to suggest the Credit Crunch set, with the following motifs (is that the right term, anyway?)

We can't afford it
Use the old one
Take the bus
Lidl's afficionado
Spending time with the family
Freecycle fan

The list is endless but my ability to type on the train is limited.

Mrs Jones said...

Set yourself up on Etsy or Folksy (preferably both) immediately and start taking orders for christmas. You'll need boxes to put them in so get them from somewhere like here - However I do realise this means you're going to have to visit the post office more frequently. Never mind, just think of the lovely money rolling in - get India to publicise them and away you go!

Hänni said...

Evil and organic? This is so up my alley.

Persephone said...

Can we go Shakespearean? How about "rump-fed runyon"? Or "giddy goose"? Mind you, most Shakespearean insults are way more than 13 characters...

Waffle said...

Whilst I love many of the suggestions, including older sibling, credit crunch and ALL of Margot's, I am still awarding her very own biscuit range to Rachel and her "work" series.

Rachel, if you email me your address I'll send you some of these.

CureForCrazy said...

I agree with Mrs Jones. You really should sell these. I'm quite sure your readers would buy them.

Miss Cavendish said...

Are these truly yours? They're brilliant! How do you stamp the letters on the biscuits? I'm still swearing by "More cowbell," which will probably be my epitaph if I don't watch out.

Rachel@fairycakeheaven said...

Am here through English Mum and this is a fabulous idea!! You should totally do it!!! A fabulous idea!!

Kelly said...

Gosh, I have plenty of friends who would buy these, and more that I would love to send them too! Fantastic.

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lauragc said...

I'm terribly late to this, but I would most certainly buy them, absolute genius

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