Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Why I didn't post yesterday

At 6am I am out in the rain, with spawn, dog and CFO, tracking the local fox. The local fox quite sensibly keeps a million miles away from us. Something about the combination of neurotic yowling weepette, lumpen complaining youths, limping mother, jolly 'morning person' father does not strike the local fox as the greatest of ideas. I can't imagine why.



At 1pm I am consumed by a wave of weird dread but chase it away by looking at houses to rent on the internet. Huh. I am 34 and have never lived on my own. Ideally I am looking for a house that comes with some kind of a childminder. For me. To remind me to pay the bills and go to bed occasionally. Sheltered housing, in fact, is what I really need. There is none available on Immoweb. I compound the weird dread by having a Crème Caramel and two miniature Twixes for lunch, and staying rooted to my desk like the fruit of a Derren Brown experiment, sweaty claws clutching my mouse.


At 3pm I am dragged from my anxiety fugue state for a conference call where we discuss my failure to harvest 'Low Hanging Fruit'. I compound my non-harvesting sins by not even remembering what Low Hanging Fruit I was supposed to be picking. Or gathering. Or feeding finely sliced to the German interns. To compensate for my fruit failure, I dash off a quick powerpoint presentation, like a sacrifice to the gods of eurotedium.



At 5pm I run away and wait for a very long time on the steps of the Beaux-Arts for the 92 tram.



At 8pm - having collected, homeworked, then hustled the spawn into their pyjamas, walked the dog, made some semblance of dinner and shoved all the dirty stuff into a cupboard so Aurélie the babysitter doesn't see it - I am clutching onto a small table for support on my 5in heels (beautifully complimenting my Fat Trousers which I was too lazy and bloated to change out of) on my third glass of free champagne at a late night shop opening thing. I have committed to buy a dress I can't afford and am wondering if I can run away without getting caught (answer: no) . Le tout Bruxelles is there and LTB is very very shiny and amusing indeed, between bat featured facelifts, giant bouffant hair, unfortunate fur items and pink cords on men. All the posh shops are open, plying you with wine and tiny snacks, but you can only go to the one that invited you. In my case this is a WIN on the drink (Moët) but a FAIL on the food, which is ironico-Belge; they have invited a Frikadelkot type thing, the Belgian equivalent of a roadside burger van. I wish I had a photo. It has giant pump action pots of mayonnaise and a variety of grey deep fried meats. I am very much regretting my crème caramel lunch. We brazen our way into a couple of other shops and meet French Celebrity (not really) Julien Leper!


I find this stupidly hilarious and have to hide behind a row of coats.

We get thrown out of our fourth shop and call it a night. Not before I have liberated 5 miniature coffee eclairs though.


At 10pm we are eating pizza out of the box on a street corner debating who is better qualified to drive the car (answer: noone).



At 1am I am still slumped in the dog's chair, dog draped heavily over my keyboard. My fingers aren't working. Nor are my eyes. I blame Derren Brown.

18 comments:

Mr London Street said...

Nothing says high fashion quite like standing on a toilet.

Apart from chundering into it.

M. said...

*Shakes fist at Derren Brown*

Kate Lord Brown said...

Is that not Michael Keaton's long lost brother, a gallic Batman? Do like the Corridor of Ennui ... is it Deep Ennui though (cf *grrr* D Brown)

westendmum said...

Oh the joys of flat-hunting. My sympathies lie with you. Bon chance! I'm imagining the perfect place will be self-cleaning, a cinema room, a shared garden (that someone else does) and a live in house-keeper.
WEM xx

dragondays said...

Have a look at the McNash website - no I don't work for them but we found our house through them!

Liberty London Girl said...

6am? Eurghhhhhhhhh. Dress is fab tho sweetpea LLGxx

livesbythewoods said...

If you like, when you rent a house, I will email you stern reminders on a regular basis for a small fee.

It will help me attain my "not having to go to work any more" ambition which has been growing inside me like a tapeworm.

Here, a free sample:

"Buy some milk. Eat toast and Nutella for breakfast. Sleep for at least 5 hours tonight. Put dirty clothes in washing machine and switch on, but not at the same time as you are in the shower."

See? A valuable service for all. Get me while I'm hot.

@eloh said...

A perfect example of how free, free entertainment is. You must have incredible balance to wear 5" heels and drink on an empty stomach.

I used to enjoy house hunting, as long as there was no hurry.

Margaret said...

Love the dress. But please go out to the Belgian equivalent of Target and buy a cheap full-length mirror and stop standing on the toilet lid in 5-in heels to take photos. It makes me very nervous.

Kate said...

have you seen le grand detournement? I can't see Julien Lepers without thinking of it. it's good for a laugh. i imagine you can download it somewhere. xoxo

Iheartfashion said...

Another Coddington-directed shoot in the toilet I see. The dress looks lovely!

Soda and Candy said...

Julien is a really cool name, but would probably get an American child beaten, damn it.

Also, I really like the dress, it would look like a baggy nightie on me but looks very chic on you. Even on a toilet with a camera in front of your face!

bevchen said...

Urgh, flat hunting. I every second of it!! Good luck to you. The boyfriend and I may be moving into together next year... I think I shall let him do the flat hunting...

Red Shoes said...

For what it's worth, the dress is completely gorgeous.

For fuck's sake, don't trifle with a person's croissants. What were they thinking to pull that one?

reen said...

Withholding breakfast croissants is the pinnacle of cruelty. Vive la resistance!

Your house search made me curious to see how the Brussels market is compared to Austin...hands down much more pretty for the penny. May you find one you love, with a built-in assistant and sweets dispenser.

WV nootrap = what the children will be doing to the foxy fox.

Jaywalker said...

MLS - yeah, that could still come.

M - he told you to do that, you know.

KLB - Deep Ennui! Yes. That's the perfect description.

West End Mum - I'd settle for 'no moths, working boiler'.

Dragondays - thanks, I will

LLG - Hmm. Thank you sweetheart. I think the drink had a lot to do with it, but I do still like it. Except, you know, financially.

LBTW - I would totally sign up for that service. Seriously, do it. There must be loads of other idiots like me who are incapable of behaving like sentient adults.

@eloh - I dunno. I'm ok on feet, but as soon as you add wheels I'm a disaster.

Margaret - you are sweet to worry, but I promise it isn't far to fall. And those were only measly 4in heels. Perfectly safe.

Kate - no! Should I? Will I like it?

Iheart - Grace taught me everything I know..

Soda & candy - I imagine from most angles it looks like a bin bag on me. That's the defining feature of most of my wardrobe...

Bevchen - noooo. Don't let him choose! Actually, do. Then everything wrong with it can be his fault. Good plan.

Reen - I know! What kind of Belgian would do such a thing??

Anxious said...

Seeing the photo of you looking fabulous in your dress, despite standing on a toilet lid, confirms to me that our respective ideas of what constitutes "fat trousers" are very, very different.

If you think you are fat, there really is no hope for me.

So there.

(Word verification is "phath" - I like it!)

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