Thursday, 10 September 2009

Ten Things I Have Learnt Today


It's never too late to learn stuff, as Nintendo would probably have us believe, judging by those adverts for brain training games for the lonely and decrepit (so I know how I'll be spending my old age, then).

Today I have learnt the following:

1. If you're not sure whether something is a flake of tuna or a moth, don't eat it. Just, don't.

2. If a dress made you look like a hunchback wearing a staff canteen tabard a year ago, it probably still will now. In fact, since you are a year older and more deformed, it will probably look worse.




Mrs Overall's bold way with a pineapple was the talk of the canteen



3. The most productive part of the day might conceivably be the bit before you sober up.

4. Walking and opening one of those plastic pots of pineapple chunks at the same time will result in sticky pineapple cleavage and juice all down your staff canteen tabard.

5. Weepettes are not specially keen on pineapple juice.

6. Caudalie Eau de Beauté sprayed liberally all over a drag queen make up makes your face feel minty, making you feel marginally more human; however

7. Caudalie Eau de Beauté stings like a bastard when you get it in your eye. And makes your drag queen make up run.

8. You can't brush your teeth with chewing gum and a cotton bud.

9. But it's probably better than nothing.

10. Just because ten is a nicer number than nine, it does not mean you can think of enough things you have learnt to complete your list.

Have you learnt anything recently?

32 comments:

lachatnoir said...

Brilliant post. Thanks for making me smile :O)

Simon said...

Say hello to the "sticky pineapple cleavage" search engine crowd...

emily said...

at least you learnt something!

Today i have learnt that a blocked nose and sinuses leads to feeling like someone poured cement in your brain...
That tissues are not soft enough for your nose when blowing it ten times a minute...
and that in my befuddled state i find the dress in the picture bizarrely attractive...

Can you please shoot me?

dragondays said...

Is the picture taken in the loo?

Persephone said...

1. It is advisable to make three alternate itineraries whenever attempting to get anywhere on the Ottawa-Carton transit system. This is tedious beyond belief, but nowhere near as tedious should one fail to do so.

2. Tea made from loose leaves tastes about the same as tea from teabags, no matter what the purists tell you. The little mini sieve over the tea-cup is pretty nifty though. I can pretend I'm Beatrix Potter.

3. Given how lame and boring the first two items are, maybe planning three alternate itineraries won't make that much difference. I'm too scared to find out.

I think I get the bit about the pineapple, although I've never encountered them in plastic pots, just tins. The bit about the drag queen make-up escapes me though. Are you dressing up like a drag queen? For fun or for profit?

sue said...

Erm, I've learnt that it is possibly a very stupid idea to call the next door neighbour an arrogant fucking prick to his face. But he deserved it. Ho hum.

Margaret said...

My cat begs to differ about #1. She says Eat it, you may be pleasantly surprised.

I learned last night that cheap-ass cabernet sauvignon and ketchup potato chips do not go together nearly as well as I thought they would.

Jaywalker said...

Sue! Is that you? Fountain pen/downy peanuts? You have NO idea how frequently I have fretted about you in recent months. I hope everything is ok.

Lachatnoir - why thank you, too kind.

Simon - Oh shit. Welcome, fruit pervs!

Emily - I am far too lazy to shoot you. I will send Dr Capybara.

Why yes, Dragondays, it is. I am standing on the loo seat, my traditional photo taking pose.

Persephone - the drag queen make up was just accidental heavy handedness.

Margaret - your cat is just screwing with us. I have tasted moth. It is not pleasant. Or perhaps my palate is just not as refined as hers.

Laura and Ben said...

Today I learnt that while most things in Belgium are significantly harder and more complicated than in England, going to the doctors is really easy! I was NOT expecting that.

I also learnt that it is much more complicated taking a sick day from work here - henc ethe trip to the doctors (a doctors note after just one day??? WTF???).

Jaywalker said...

L&B - I'm sorry, I have to know which of Laura or Ben I am talking to. I assume Laura given the overwhelmingly female demographic of this blog.

Yes, the sicknote after one day thing. Ridiculous. But you can make them sign you off for AGES.

sue said...

Hello Waffle Deity, it is me fountain pen robbing sue. I am sorry for being a shit and disappearing but was dealing with the big hairy mammoth and other stuff and generally hiding.

Jaywalker said...

Big fountain pen hugs lovely Sue; we should have some kind of apocalypse/mammoth high five.

Laura and Ben said...

Yes, it's Laura. Excellent guess. Stupid blogger just calls me by our conjoined blog name. It's possible that I could change this easily but I am very lazy. I'm the Laura who sent you a random email a few weeks back...

Yes, and also the lovely long prescriptions! As well as Ibuprofen I got something to either make me or my muscles sleep (either is fine). Neither myself nor the doctor seemed too sure which.

monk said...

That a margarita hangover can kick in long after you think you're home and dry. Sometimes up to 12 hours later. Ugh.

Cassandra said...

Sorry to be inappropriate in your box Jaywalker but just wanted to say hello to fountain pen Sue as well as that confession was one of the high points of the last two years (and yes I do know how tragic that is). I was almost sick laughing. Love this new gem about the neighbour as well. As for learning? I am learning now, but far, far too late. I will send you that present from the zoo though, Jaywalker. It's still in the car collecting greasy dust....sozzer.

Catmoves said...

Learned today that sometimes, just sometimes, David picks a truly great website for us to visit. You qualify. FYI, I do indeed Belgian waffles.

Jaywalker said...

Monk - I knew it. Your cheery "I am fine, no ill effects" was too good to be true.

Cassandra, there's noone I'd rather have being inappropriate in my box.

Catmoves - thank you so much, but when you say "I do Belgian Waffles" is there a word missing? Or not? Just checking.

Iheartfashion said...

I love your photo backdrop of toilet paper roll and Economist.

Jaywalker said...

Thank you, I heart. The shoot was directed by Grace Coddington, of course.

sue said...

I really can't do high fives as it involves flashbacks of nasty August. Much prefer a getting-pissed-summit via twitter or similar. Please don't high five me as it might send me over the edge.

Jaywalker said...

Oh no. Sorry Sue. How about a nice large gin and a sit in quiet corner of a nice old man's pub? I would talk very quietly. Or not at all if you prefer. Are you on twitter? Come to Pochyemu's party. It's on 21 November and we're inviting, er, the internet.

sue said...

thank you W.D. I will. Thank you. My sanity thanks you. Yay. Party.

Z said...

I'm too old to learn anything at all, let alone ten things in one day. What's wrong with cleaning your teeth with a cotton bud and chewing gum though? It's a method I've relied on for years.

NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

I have learnt that the expression "cockbiscuits" does not translate accurately into French, however hard I try.

Red Shoes said...

I love the look of utter disdain on your face in the loo photo. Fantastic.

I've learned nothing, nothing at all. Except that I missed the boat on medium flat gray nail lacquers. I've only just discovered there were some made and went searching for them, to find that it was a spring trend and has passed me by. Damn it! I want concrete colored fingers and toes! No metallic, no near-black! Damn it, Sephora, CVS, Walgreens, Target and Sally's Beauty Supply, damn it!

Red Shoes said...

Ha HAA! I take it back. eBay! Death pallor nails, here I come.

MargotLeadbetter said...

I have not learned it myself, but I have committed myself today to conduct further research into your point re: the most productive part of the day being before sobering up.

The Sue story is very cryptic and intriguing. Is anyone going to share, or is the pain still too raw?

Jon in France said...

I have learnt that those iron on transfer things for tee-shirts hurt like buggery if they flop onto the back of your hand while still hot. I now have a very sore hand and a transfer of a cartoon boy carrying a school bag seemingly permanently adhered to the back of it. I'm trying to laugh it off.

You know what Emma? The dress looks a sight better on you than it would on me.

Hannah Miet said...

I love this post!

I just found your blog through Mr. London, and will now be loyally following.

# 3 is my weapon of choice. It's good that you discovered this truism. The rest of your life will be much more enlightened.

Excuse my American ignorance, but what are Weepettes?

Jaywalker said...

Hi Hannah and thank you for being so lovely. Number 3 is indeed a revelation and a force for good. The weepette is our dog. But go and look at 'Dramatis Personae' on the right sidebar for a fuller explanation...

Hannah Miet said...

Ah, yes. Weepette is adorable!

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