Monday, 21 September 2009

First world problems forum

I want to do something pathetic, but now I can't because I have this disapproving anonymous commenter who thinks I have a really easy life, and I'm worried about their blood pressure and everything. Anon! I had to make my own cup of tea this evening! My Louboutins are scuffed! It's a NIGHTMARE. My life is SHIT. Only teasing, Anon. I am an overprivileged bitch, I get it.


And what does that leave? Well.

Er.


Oh fuck it. Sorry Anon, people come here to hear me talk surreal crap about my mildly disastrous life. As someone said to me recently "If I wanted bleak, I'd watch Eastenders". Well, quite. I could do bleak, but you know. I save it for special occasions of which I fear there will be quite a number in the coming months.

In fact, I'd like to declare tonight "whine about your first world problems night". Let it all out! It's Monday too, so I bet you have plenty. Having problems with the broadband connection in your second home? Children refusing the snacks at their organic nursery? Moths nibbling your cashmere? Hopefully Dr Capybara will turn up in the comments box and verbally kick the crap out of all of us.


Let me tell you mine.


1. I am COVERED in insect bites. Every insect in northern France has had a taste of me. I used all our anti-histamines for non-legitimate psychotropic purposes, which makes me the girl who cried, er, Benadryl, or something.

2. My wireless connection is still broken, so I have to share the dog's chair to type. The dog is a total ass about it and tries to push me off. I have back ache. This chair is not big enough for both of us, weepette, and since I have less than no natural authority, you appear to be winning.



3. My new dress with its lovely draped neck is like a crumb magnet. It's a bit like one of those pelican bibs for grown ups, in fact. I could eat for a week from the contents of my drapery. Yes, I suppose that's an upside of a sort. Shut up, we're hear to whine.


4. I am giving the CFO the shittiest birthday yet tomorrow. His brownies look like shite, his presents thus far comprise an address book and some decorated pebbles from the spawn. I keep crying about how shit it is, just to make it all better. Big snotty "uuuugh, your birthday is fucked, everything is fucked" tears. No, Anon, no pain here, move along. Ahem.


5. I have spent much of the day transcribing details of a paraffin wax cartel. Longhand. Yes, the Tedium Files are back.


6. I can only think of five things to whine about without cracking open the hideous Pandora's box of Real Problems.
Right! Your turn. Whiny first world problems.

66 comments:

M. said...

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH Monday is soooooo shiiiiiiit.
- my bike is broken so I didn't go to the studio because I couldn't face walking 30 minutes because it's too faaaaar.
- I'm pretty sure I didn't take a shower today in spite of having just had the shower replaced at great expense.
- I'm shunning the home made muffins because they're just not buttery enough
- I've just had to unravel half of my knitted tea cosy because I misread the pattern
- I'm knitting tea cosies and I'm not even 30
- I had to go to the post office. It was empty. It still took forever.
-There isn't anything to see on the giant plasma wall-mounted screen
- I can't find a nice classic proper bright-coloured raincoat ANYWHERE.
- I actually have to go to work tomorrow after 3 months of, well, not.

WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE

Cassandra said...

ACE. I really fancy a good moan, you'll be AMAZED to learn!

1. My stubby hands are riddled with hideous eczema. But I KEEP FORGETTING and washing them with foaming agents where I SHOULD be using E45 wash which only exacerbates the problem.
2. Similar skin problems above eye and on throat. I look AWFUL.
3. I left my washbag behind after being away at the weekend. As it features all my fave cosmetics, including the "go blonder, you utter bim/dumbo shampoo", I am gutted.
4. I've given into my disgusting food abuse habits and consumed a family sized bag of crisps for dinner, followed by half a Wispa Gold (more a confession than a moan, I suppose).
5. J keeps telling me that "I love you, even though you are so fat". This is my own fault - see 4 - but still. Fuckerooni.
6. Did you know that originally it wasn't a box, but a jar! (Pandora's). I think that University Challenge should be told.
7. There are shit loads more, will endeavour to remember.

MargotLeadbetter said...

Oh, I think you should make it your business to infuriate Anonymous with increasingly ridiculous and trivial woes. Think of it as a sort of sport, maybe?

Mr London Street said...

If you really want bleak it was hard to beat last night's Celebrity Come Dine With Me. Even the prospect of having to sit round a dinner table with Bobby Davro is enough to make anyone appreciate their life. I don't even think people in the Sudan want food quite that badly.

MargotLeadbetter said...

Ah. I see that you already came to this conclusion by yourself. Just ignore me. Carry on!

(PS. Me too with the elusive rainoat.)

M. said...

Margot - did you google image search "shiny red raincoat"? Because, don't.

Completely Alienne said...

Oh yes, let's all join in and annoy anon. S/he deserves it.

It is monday; I hate mondays.

I haven't slept properly for at least 10 days and could carry my shopping home from sainsburys in the bags under my eyes.

The skin on my hands is flaking off in odd places.

I didn't get anything that I should have got done at work because I had to waste the day in boring meetings listening to other people's trivial problems. All of which I have heard before. Don't these people realise I have proper work to do?

I feel sick - I had artichoke for dinner tonight and washed it down with the dregs of my J P Chenet box of wine and half a pot of Ben and Jerry's (cookie dough mix if you must know). I couldn't even have the whole pot because Lenin got there first.

I only ate that because Attila ate the WHOLE of the chunky monkey. By herself. I feel her pseudonym is entirely appropriate. She thinks I am an unreasonable blackhearted old cow. Something to do with cutting her allowance because her mobile phone bill is astronomical.

My entire house is covered in dust because when the decorator stripped off the wallpaper in the hall he found the plaster was falling off one of the walls. So today he hacked it off and replastered. Everything I touch has a film of yuk over it and I cannot be bothered to clean it up or have a shower.

I could go on, and on, and on ... but I will leave room for everyone else.

Mrs Trefusis... said...

You think you've got problems? Oh hello??? Listen to this; I forgot to take my jimmy Choos into work for the gala party tonight so I had to wear the same louboutins I've had on all day and now my feet are killing me. And if that wasn't enough, they were only serving pink champagne. I mean, come on- I hate pink champagne euw. To round it all off, the goody bag wasn't nearly as good as last year. Though I suppose I must begrudgingly admit that I don't totally hate Clarins products.
You see? Some of us have it properly hard. And actually, whilst I'm on the subject, what's with this first world stuff?
I had to take a bus the other day-Which is like so totally second world or something I nearly got the driver to take a picture so I could complain to HR that my human rights were being trampled on.
*works self up into frenzy. Stamps off to massage Clarins Beaute de Pieds into sore feet*

Red Shoes said...

I have woes too! Glossy, crisp first world woes!

I leave for California (4 days)and then Berlin on Wednesday (7 days including 2 almost entirely composed of flying).

1. My sister made me three new garments to take with me because I am bourgeois and must dress up for my international travel. I do not like the 3rd piece, a vest, despite it being entirely bespoke goodness, because it will emphasize my fat blubber gut. I have not even seen it in person yet, but based on the photo, I am certain that it will.

2. I am going to California to assist in teaching a seminar for which the attendees were to have prepared. Despite being asked three weeks ago, most of them got their information to me at the last minute and now, I must spend the next three days feeling crushed by an insurmountable preparation workload when I would rather be laying out wardrobe options on my bed and deciding how many pairs of shoes to pack.

3. First part of trip: ranch in Central California complete with horses and campfires at night. Second part of trip: high end neighborhood of Berlin with musicians and assorted fancy peoples. Between the two, about 20 hours of traveling. What to pack?

4. In Berlin, I must get from the airport to my friend's house BY MYSELF. With no German speaking abilities and a tenuous understanding of euros!

5. Wife wants me to cook and freeze her some meals to heat while I am gone. I can barely keep my head from rolling off my shoulders. I don't know where I'm going to find the time to ensure that she eats decent meals for 11 days straight.

yours, another overprivledged bitch.

pinolona said...

- the cockroaches under the sink are back and I'm too lazy to take the rubbish down to the basement;
- I can get the BBC but not Channel 4 and I'm sick of watching Grey's Anatomy with French dubbing;
- I don't have a mutualité yet and sooner or later I am going to have to Pay Tax In Belgium *gulp*;
- I read that Type D personalities cope the worst with travel which naturally makes me suspect that I might have one;
- My credit card bill came from England this morning... (I haven't opened it yet though so it's still a relatively good day);
- I'm out of yoghurt and I resolved not to go to Carrefour again until Friday;
- I spent the afternoon translating maintenance instructions for a solar panel conversion system (admittedly not by hand);
- I still haven't got around to buying a kettle (*starts rocking back and forth at the horror of it all*);
- Daddy wouldn't buy me a pony!

Gahhh It's So Hard To Be Me :))

Red Shoes said...

Additionally, I cannot spell privilege.

redfox said...

1. I forgot my office keys today so I had to do my lovely walk to work in reverse to pick them up and knocked forty-five minutes off my workday.

2. I accidentally purchased a variety of not-peanut butter that has flax seeds in, which I do not want.

3. I am insufficiently beloved by perfect strangers.

4. My absurdly easily acquired pregnancy is giving me a sharp pain in the middle of my back.

5. I use too many adverbs.

Layla said...

hmmm, I thought at the time that Ms. Snarky Anonymous could do with a good smack. How could someone who CLEARLY doesn't know anything about your life say that your problems aren't serious, & that nothing really bad had ever happened to you? Didn't s/he bother to read your posts about the death of your mother?

There's no Maslowian hierarchy for suffering....

But enough about you, can I whine for a minute about my own problems?

1. Although I stopped taking the cat's medication nearly a week ago, I still feel ill, so it's possible that it IS a terminal illness, after all. DS Sisters, think euologies, please.

2. There's a very nasty smell emanating from the log cupboard in the camel barn library, which leads me to suspect that one of the cats may have pooed in there. Somewhere in a big dark cupboard full of half a ton of logs...

3. I've had absolutely no response to my inquiry about buying a part-share in Utku, the fighting camel. I yearn for him.

4. I've fallen in love with a man on twitter,sight unseen, for purely linguistic reasons, but I suspect he may be gay. Or perhaps a very erudite serial killer.

@eloh said...

uuuugh...I dreamt my guts fell out..but they didn't.

the queen said...

I put it simply: my husband has been marketed into purchasing the Beatles Rockband songs for the Wii. I must now clutter my well-appointed living room with plastic musical instruments because while we do have a Wii, we don't have Rockband.

Helena said...

I stayed up all night on Friday after a gig (guest list natch), having fun. Then I lay around in bed for about 12 hours.
On Sunday I went to Soho and bought new clothes and had dinner at Yauatcha where I drank two cocktails and laughed at the fashion week moddle bitches. After that I came home and ate Yauatcha cake and drank most of a bottle of cava.
Today I was invited to the Leadership strategy meeting, even though I am not on the leadership team, which is quite a compliment (I guess).
I had three coffees and still had to gouge nail marks into my hands to stop myself falling asleep talking about mergers.
Beacause of this, my life sucks, so I'm drinking red wine and eating 2 packets of monster munch to make up for it.

everybodysaysdont said...

Fuck Anon! (And I never swear, so it's quite something for me to say that)

My whingy problems -

I'm hungry, but I can't be bothered to cook any food, and there's nothing easy to eat, no cereal bars, no chocolate bars, no crisps, everything in the house to eat would involve cooking, unless I start eating raw things.

I'm cold but I know if I put the heating on the husband will moan...

I'm hungry...

I'm thirsty and the red wine doesn't seem to help...

I'm still hungry...you get the idea...

J. said...

Not only do I have first world problems, I have American first world problems--the very firstest worldliest-kind!

1. My hair, which I paid a ridiculous sum to have cut, colored, highlighted, toned, etc. this weekend seems a bit on the dry side.
2. I can't figure out how to get reimbursed for the nominal registration fee for the swanky international conference that my work said they'd pay for and give me comp time for attending.
3. My ulcerative colitis is giving me gyp (it's a first world disease, dontcha know). Hopefully the $6K treatment I get every eight weeks for it will kick in soon.
4. When I presented a restaurant voucher for a free Mexican meal at lunch, the cashier made me pay $1.98 for ordering extra guacamole.
5. I keep procrastinating getting my car cleaned. It's pretty urgent as the passenger side floor is saturated with dried soda pop, but I can't be bothered. Ditto for getting the tiny crack in my windshield repaired before the weather turns and we get subzero temps again.
6. I want to order shoes on sale from an internet shop but can't remember what size I take in that particular label (will have to wait until I get home from work and can check the size of another pair of shoes I own by this brand). Needless to say I already own loads of shoes and don't technically need any more by any but first world standards.
7. I had to use the spare, shite travel coffee mug today because my husband forgot and left the two good ones in his work bag.
8. I don't have any chocolate on hand, and am exercising a ridiculous amount of willpower in resisting the urge to go buy some because my jeans are too tight.
9. I slept in and didn't make it to the swanky gym today.
10. I am in dire need of a manicure, and a brow wax.

Alison said...

I have no hot water in my second home(or third depending on how you count weekend home and holiday home). We have come here for other half's birthday today and have had no hot water since Saturday night. I smell, he smells, I am trying to be happy because it is his birthday, he doesn't care about the smelling nad the lack of hot water - he is a boy! Whats worse is we have our own entrance to flat and no access to communal entrance to other flats where notice is which tells us what is going on - I am 42 and cannot read a notice through a window at distance and feel bullied and ignored. How spoilt am I?!!

Jessica K said...

Ooh, I love this.

I am still waiting for my scholarship money so am broke and whining about not having wine and chinese food (never mind the bills that need to be paid and the youngest needs shoes). I want wine and spicy food.
My house is falling apart and my back yard is a jungle again and I will be spending some of these funds to get someone to whack it as I cannot handle the gas powered weed whacker. How I am going to stand up for 12 hour shifts I dont know as I am lazy and hate physical exercise.
I do have a cute bright colored rain jacket (bought it last year).
Anon is a troll and will ooze and amble away to bother someone else next.

theharridan said...

ha ha that all made me laugh.
my turn
i am too fat (20 weeks pregnant, yes, but honestly, these legs are the work of half a 100gram packet of green & blacks chocolate a night for the past two years, not the relatively small baby)
my kid didn't get a good work certificate this week from school, just a punctuality one - that teacher better watch her step
that said teacher has bad grammar and i cannot stand it any longer
my husband is off to monaco for a suspicious "work" trip - would feel better if he returned with a prada bag for me
the cleaner comes at 8:00am tomorrow - it is annoyingly early
my la pavoni coffee machine needs a new seal but i dont know what to do about it so i am buying my coffee out now - major denial
thats all the tip of the iceberg, man

M. said...

Why is no one being helpful by posting links to readily available, affordable bright coloured rain coats? Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Julia Ball said...

Does anyone know what mouse lemurs eat?

The City Road said...

My feet hurt :-(

Oh, and I had to show Sienna Miller where the bathroom was and come up with a suitable euphemism when inevitably the radio traffic went mad - "where's Sienna gone?"

"Sienna is taking a two minute rain check".

Did I mention how much my feet hurt?

Oval Epicure said...

Perhaps you could shake all the crumbs out of your top and send them to Anon to redistribute to the starving children in Ethiopia?

Anyway...

- My cleaner comes tomorrow, which means I need to sort-of tidy the flat. One has to impress one's standards on the staff.

- Today I went to have a coil inserted and I realised at the crucial moment I'd forgotten to paint my toenails first. The shame!

- The ball came off my roll-on deodorant whilst I was vigorously shaking it prior to application, so there is gunk all over the bathroom and I have to use minging spray-on that leaves white marks until Boots opens tomorrow.

- My new iPod ear-clip headphones don't fall out when I run but do make my ears hurt.

- The only chocolate in the house is pomegranate-flavoured, and horrid.


Love your blog, I read the entire thing from virtual cover to cover when I discovered it a couple of weeks ago.

Sophie

Anonymous said...

My back aches constantly, I am seriously considering having these implants reduced. And my son was sent home from boarding school with suspected swine flu but is absolutely fine but I am still not allowed to send him back until he has finished the course of Tamiflu. I have had to cancel my appointment with my hairdresser in order to entertain him. And I broke a nail.

Mrs Jones said...

Dear M

Good old Marks & Spencer has some coloured ones - http://www.marksandspencer.com/gp/search/ref=sr_nr_subjectbin_0/277-0956910-5128030?ie=UTF8&rs=42966030&sort=relevancerank&keywords=mac&mnSBrand=core&viewID=results&rh=n%3A42966030%2Ck%3Amac%2Cn%3A42967030&page=1 (hope the link works, otherwise just enter 'mac' in the search box on their website).

JPM said...

Me next! Me next!

-Summer Is Over but I am still stuck on two new (because I stalked them until they were on sale) same-style different colors pairs of Chie Mihara sandals, which are gorgeous but seem to be giving me a strange and scabby callous on my high instep, or...
-The callous could be coming from the dread yoga mat where I have been twisting and scraping my insteps and other bits for weeks in a row now because I am afraid if I take a day off I will never go back, and even though sweating this much is starting to break my face out puberty-style. aack! ...
-My husband and I had words (about 10 words) this morning again about my unrestrained use of pillows on our bed-sized sofa. There are 16, which is perfectly reasonable but I cannot deny takes up a little space. But so cozy. I must put my foot down on this one. Have told him it is for him that I try to create this harem-like atmosphere. Not sure he bought it.

Take THAT Anon!!

Anonymous said...

I work in the pharmaceutical industry. I am a first world problem.

Susan said...

We are out of capers.

monk said...

I'm TIRED of travelling internationally all the bloody time.

I earn too much to be able to choose the easy-peasy French tax status and have to fill in forms and cut off limbs etc.

They didn't have the Guatamalan coffee I like when I went to stock up in Paris, so I had to get the Costa Rican and christ my life is RUBBISH.

The only hair appointment I could get tomorrow is at 10:45, which really interferes with my mid-morning cup of tea and a sit down.

My kettle has scaly shit in it.

Anonymous said...

think i might have put a shade too much cheese in my omelette earlier. yup, too much cheese. i have yet to recover

Stacy said...

The dog vomited up the organic dental hygienie bone (five times for good measure) yesterday.
Today, when I got to work, one of my little darlings promptly vomited all over her lunch box.
I am pretty sanguine about both these events, as I am not terribly squeamish.
My dilemma is this: do I make my facebook status queen of emesis or do I waste time tracking down an athlete that excelled in two branches of a similar sport (mine being canine and human vomit)?

Artichoke Queen said...

Oh, the problems I have, they are legion. It's fucking IMPOSSIBLE being me.

1. The convertible top on my Mercedes has two big bird shits on it, but I can't find time to take it to the carwash to get them removed.

2. My mother (at whose house I am currently staying for free) gave to one of her friends the big tube of pre-prepared polenta I bought. Now I'm going to have to eat the prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella for dinner. I wanted the polenta.

3. The moving company is chasing me for a decision on whether I want my belongings transferred to "permanent" storage. How do I know exactly when I will need them? I have yet to find the perfect Golden Gate Bridge view apartment. Could be next week. Could be January. Relax, movers.

4. I can't motivate myself to provide the evidence that I didn't underpay my London rent by ₤500 last year so that I can get the entirety of my ₤4500 deposit back from the estate agent. Agent keeps chasing me. Off my back. I'll get to it eventually.

5. The gardeners arrived at 8AM and woke me up with their electric leaf blowers.

6. My Jimmy Choos gave me a blister today. And, as it is 85 degrees out, my face is shiny.

7. Told boy flavor-of-the-moment that he had hurt my feelings. He apologized quite sweetly. Not good enough, I want flowers.

That Anon bitch has no idea what it is like being us. Fucking difficult, I tell you.

Soda and Candy said...

If you can't have a good old whinge on your own damn blog, where can you??? Whinge away, my dear, as long as it stays as entertaining as it has been I will indulge you!

Also, I have a mortgage. Wah.

Artichoke Queen said...

You know what? Not done yet. My Mom insists on keeping the old dull kitchen knives she's had for years. Whenever I try to slice a really ripe heirloom tomato it comes out all raggedy. And, the season premiere of House is on at the same time as Gossip Girl, and I don't have TiVo. Plus, my iPhone ran out of battery in the middle of a long meeting today, so I couldn't keep up with my tweeting.

Anonymous said...

Here you go M

http://www.boden.co.uk/en-GB/Womens-Coats-and-Jackets/Coats/WE238/Womens-Cloud-Spotter-Mac.html


Better in real life than on Web

Anonymous said...

M,check these out:

http://tinyurl.com/lsagg4
http://tinyurl.com/mbcy89

Jo said...

The ceilings in my renovated French 19th century city centre apartment are too high, and the rooms too big, to suit the fabulous green sparkly coloured glass lightshades I want.

There were no bananas OR fresh figs in the organic supermarket yesterday, so I will have to go again today, and I've got a bad foot.

It has started raining in the country where I have my second home, and this has postponed work on my new swimming pool. Which interferes with my plans to "visit" the work.

Am seriously annoyed about the figs though.

M. said...

Mrs Jones - NOOOO! I WANT A PROPER WATERPROOF ONE! WITH A HOOD! *Stamps feet on ground* WHY DO YOU HATE ME WHYYYYYYY. Snirfl snirfl sob.

(Thank you all for links. You are truly lovely.)

Mwa said...

Anon should fuck off. You're allowed to complain about anything you want to complain about. Fucker.

My whine:
My little girl threw a full bowl of cornflakes on the ground this morning because I told her she had to eat it.
We left my son's school bag at home, so we had to do the walk to school twice and he was late.
And I have the whole craving toast but hating my thighs dilemma going.

You keep bitching all you like and let anon go to the Unicef website or something.

kirstieh said...

I love my new mascara (Dior PhenomenEyes with the spherical brush) but it makes my eyelashes very weary in the morning.

Laura and Ben said...

1. I complained for months about not having a job and then when I got one I didn't like it and left.

2. I am upset that I am still not fluent in French despite living in Belgium for six months now. I blame this on the English speaking job but in reality it could have something to do with the lack of effort I put in.

3. My mum brought me over some Wispa bars from England and everyone else in the house keeps eating them. They're MYYYY TREEEEAAAAAAT!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

WV - complasm - some kind of complaint orgasm??? It suits.

Mrs Jones said...

M - okay, calm down. How about a lovely Gudrun Sjoden one? I only buy her stuff these days and should've thought of it sooner. They're very brightly coloured, waterproof and HAVE A HOOD: http://www.gudrunsjoden.com/butikhy/docs/webshop/singleitem.asp?OrderId=614032186&pf_id=GB-96100&dept_id=GB-1315&sSida=

Jaywalker said...

Whiiiiine. Why does everyone sort out M's mac problems? Huh. We share the same brain, the least you could do is help me with mine too.

Also I am jealous of the City Road and Mrs Trefusis's problems. Whiiiiine.

And yes, Pinolona WHERE IS MY PONY. And yours.

And I am OUTRAGED on J's behalf about the $1.63 guacamole surcharge.

And I have eaten all the croissant flakes in my other pelican bib dress.

It's all SO UNFAIR.

That's all, continue setting out your first world tragedies.

Mrs Jones said...

Dear Emma

It's much easier to locate a single waterproof mac WITH HOOD than it is to sort out one's life so that it is generally less shit. Plus if we told you how to go about sorting out your life you'd probably ignore us anyway AND if your life was perfect it would be much less interesting for us minions to read about.

Much love

Mrs Jones

Jaywalker said...

Good point well made Mrs Jones. How about you tell me whether the aluminium fluoride cartel had been appealed as at 30.6.2009 then? See? There's an easily solvable problem that could save me whole minutes of dully staring into space.

FINE_FINE_FINE said...

This is my disappointment.

I'm a short girl, damn it, and Boden's lovely Cloud Spotter Mac will never fit me.

Alas.

http://www.boden.co.uk/en-GB/Womens-Coats-and-Jackets/Coats/WE238/Womens-Cloud-Spotter-Mac.html

Mrs Jones said...

Hmm, I'm assuming you mean whether or not the cartel has appealed against the fine imposed on them in 2008? I did look for you. Decided I would need to look further into, say, the Tunisian company (as they received the largest fine and would therefore be the most keen to appeal) but then lost the will the live. But I DID try....

Juci said...

My kid only had a 1:15' nap the last three days instead of the usual 2:30 mins. I need those long naps for my sanity. Plus, I don't get any housework done this way (since I always use the first hour of his nap for my own lunch and siesta) and get told off by husband.
We've been home on holiday for two weeks and I put on two kilos. Or maybe three, I don't even dare to check.
I am 19 weeks pregnant and I've started to wear pregnancy clothes but it looks like I'm faking it. My belly is all soft and I can still suck it in a bit, so it just looks like I'm fat (which I am).
Oh, I could go on, but WV tells me I 'oughtn'.

fabhat said...

I love this - it's like the short lived guardian column called middle class disasters - anon would luuurve it. So here are my 1st world traumas

I'm eating crisps because I can't be bothered to make lunch from my big 1st world fridge.

I get annoyed when I can't record two programmes at the same time on the HD and have to choose which one to watch.

My toenails are all scuffed and I still haven't repainted them.

I have a free brow threading voucher, but i haven't organised an appointment yet, despite seriously needing one.

Think that's all for now...BW keep writing what you write and ignore the sniping anons

anke said...

Technically, I don't think I live in the first world. This is too confusing! (I guess that is my first whine). What world does China belong to? Second? Third? Insane category of its own? My second whine is that because of the different time zones, everyone is already whined out and now nobody will read my whine. Why do I even bother, really.
My third whine is that I wrote a comment and due to the stupid proxy server timing out or something it did not get posted, and I did not save it. I am pretty sure it was much whinier the first time.

Nobody appreciates how hard it is for those of us behind the great Chinese firewall to do something as crucial for mental health as whining.

By the way, I love your blog. It completely changed my perspective on my own life (in that I now whine a lot more, and hope that people appreciate it as much as I enjoy it when you whine.)

Flux said...

I can't get fresh bagels anywhere!

My children are learning too many languages, now they'll never fit in back at home, they are destined to be eurotrash.

I haven't done a kegel exercise, ever... and now I am afraid it is too late to start.

Iheartfashion said...

My eyebrows are unruly.
All my best shoes hurt my feet, but I refuse to walk around in sensible footwear.
I bought a new bike yesterday and now I'll be forced to ride it.
My Cartier alligator watchband broke after only a year and I can't be bothered to spend $250 on a new one. Have repaired it with duct tape.
Bought an exercise DVD, but too lazy to do it.
Craving bagels but don't feel like driving (or biking) to the shop.
I could go on...

Anonymous said...

First of all, I am not THAT nasty anonymous commenter. I think you and your blog are wonderful and if you can't let off some steam on your own blog, where can you do it? I really don't get people that read blogs they don't like and then post nasty comments. The Internet is a big place, why not read something else and leave people alone?

My petty whine today is this: I am paying quite a lot of money for membership of a very good gym that I rarely go to for lack of time, spending my days glued to a chair working rather than getting the exercise that I most definitely need after having two children and never having time to get back into shape. I have so little time because I have to work so hard. I have to work so hard because I have a lot of bills to pay: private school for my kids and other non-essential bills that have become essentials, if you know what I mean. I could really do with saving the gym membership money but somehow I think that if I cancel my membership it would be like giving up altogether, that I'd automatically pile on even more weight and become more entrenched in the vicious circle. It's as if just paying for that damn gym membership is holding back the weight gain. I am deluded, of course. Every week I make resolutions about starting to go to the gym again, every week without fail I end up not following through with my plans. To make matters worse, the adverts that Mr. Google sends my way are mostly related to being fat and how to lose weight. (I think he reads my mind). I'm not obese, just a bit overweight and wobbly in places I'd like to be firmer. The usual mummy tummy. I eat quite healthily, I just don't MOVE enough. I know I should be glad I'm healthy and all that jazz, but sometimes I'd love to have my old body back, without the hard slog.
So, first-world whining over for now.

RC said...

Well, I had to attend a management course today, in which 'the nut was dekernelised'.
Survival was a near thing, although, thankfully, the kiminos were firmly closed...
Love your blog!

nadarine said...

Someone moved my lunch in the fridge, and now my (formerly) lovely niçoise salad is nearing half-frozen status. Your leftover pizza slices should take a backseat to my twitty salad, obvs.

bevchen said...

My train was delayed by 5 minutes yesterday, which meant I missed the bus and had to walk from the train station to work IN THE RAIN! It's only 15 minutes walk, but I was still soaked by the time I got there. AND in the evening I missed the 6 o'clock train by one minute so I ended up having to wait for the one at 6:30. By the time I got home it was nearly 8pm, then I had to go to the boyfriend's, where something apparatnly attacked me in the night... I now have bites all over my legs which weren't there yesterday. They've been itching ALL DAY!

Also, I have to go to work this Saturday.

Bitch, bitch. Moan, moan.

Grit said...

we can't find the time to discuss the implications of running a second home in hong kong. what dh doesn't seem to understand is that i have to reschedule milk deliveries and cancel the newspapers.

Elsie said...

My ipod screen is too small to watch old
a-ha video on the train. One of my ear lobes is getting longer, like I'm wearing a heavy earring, but I am not.

More than Just a Mother said...

My Boden order hasn't arrived in time for my weekend city break.

My nanny had to leave half an hour early today, meaning I had to give the children their tea ALL BY MYSELF.

God, my life's shit.

GingerB said...

I didn't have time to go to the gym to exercise away the low quality expensive convenience foods I didn't have time to eat.

Margaret said...

My Economist was delivered too late to take with me on my weekend beach getaway, and I was so annoyed I forgot to send the car payment. The vaca was partially ruined because I got a call saying they weren't coming to take away the chairs, but then I got another call five minutes later saying they *were*. It cast a pall. I returned home to discover the housesitter hadn't properly ziplocked the expensive roast beef, and it was all dried out. Also, where is my well-paying, interesting job that I haven't been looking for at all vigorously for the last four years? I am very depressed about my life not being exactly as I want it to be despite not doing anything to make it so. Also, my living room is too hot. (At least we're not out of capers.)

Red Shoes said...

I've never loved a post's comments so much in my entire life. This even beats Confessional.

P.S. I have started saying Fuckerooni regularly; thanks Cassandra.

Margarita said...

Your Monday may be shit. It's already Thursday and I'm just seeing that picture of you on the toilet.

I wish I saw it on Monday.

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