Monday, 28 September 2009

Dr Capybara speaks

Dr Capybara: he really couldn't care less

I hear your snivelling from over here in my cosy straw lined nest, punks and your feeble squeaks have disturbed my nap. 'Where is the Waffle? She usually posts every day!'.

I don't have time for your puny anxieties, right now. They make a tinny ringing noise in my ears. She is in my Panama City clinic where I am practising a new form of experimental treatment for pathetic whiny punks that harnesses the healing power of kicks in the shins. On this regime I am confident that I will see improvement by tomorrow. As long as the cheque clears.

In the meantime, you may place your feeble problems in the comments box where I will ruminate on them, then spit them out like a particularly tough pampas grass stalk. Now what are you waiting for? Get out of my sight, go on, scram.


Dave Yello said...

I'm not scared of you. I could totally eat your face.

Dr Capybara said...

Not with those arms you couldn't. King of the lizards? I am King of the Grasses AND all my limbs are appropriate lengths. Now get out of my sight, you misshapen newt.

Worried Runner said...

Dear Doctor

I have a very sore knee. I have tried rest and ice and elevation, but it is still swollen. What should I do? Are there any native South American remedies I can try?

Dr Capybara said...

Why yes, Worried Runner, you can try the ancient South American remedy of SHUTTING UP.

Or I could come round with my hacksaw and we could sort it out properly. Your call.

Julia Ball said...

Oh esteemed and benevolent Dr Capybara, please can you help me make my partner empty the dishwasher for me, I cook, I clean, I do all the laundry, all I ask is that he empty the dishwasher so that I can fill it back up. Can you advise me please.

Helen Brocklebank said...

Dear Dr Capybara
i'm so bored of this recession: I'm now too poor to be able to afford Botox, and I couldn't even face buying anything in the Rupert Sanderson sample sale because I knew Mr Trefusis would be tiresome & not understand that sometimes you have to make a choice between buying food, and buying shoes. I think it's all that Gordon Brown's fault. Can you fix him? And when you're fixing him, can you film it on your mobile and post it on YouTube because I think it's something you could share with the world
mrs T

Unknown said...

Dear Dr Capybara

My house looks like Kansas after the tornado and I can't be arsed to do anything about it. How do I convince my husband it is my very important job rather than my obsession The Waffle and facebook that prevent me from tidying up?

Cardinal Farringdon said...

Dr Capybara

I'm having terrible trouble removing certain *ahem* stains from my vestments. Can you recommend a Dry Cleaner of both repute and discretion I might take the cassock to?

I might add that, should they prove adept at their task, we have some soiled pontifical gloves that need attending to also.

Yours in supplication.

Dr Capybara said...

Form an orderly queue, punks.

Julia - eat grass. No dishes, no dishwashing, no whiny first world problems.


Mrs T - if you spent less time whimpering and more time SLEEPING you wouldn't have wrinkles to worry about. Gordon Brown is part capybara, I will not hear a word said against him. Now go away, you silly girl.

Dr Capybara said...

Alison - if it's a sick note you're after that will be 200 Panamanian dollars.

Cardinal Farringdon - does this scent gland on my nose say Yellow Pages to you? Well DOES IT? Get out of my sight.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Dr Capybara, you are merely a hamster with pretensions. What say you to this charge?

tigerbaps said...

Dr Cap, I'm in my bed and can't find the remote for the telly. Obvo I can't be ARSED getting up to change channels and my braying at the top of my lungs for assistance from partner downstairs is falling on deaf ears here quite frankly. Would you be a dear and scuttle (?) on over to Scotland and a)search my orifices and creases for the remote and b) change the channel? Fetch me an oatcake and cheese if you pass my kitchen en route.

Soda and Candy said...

Dr Capybara, I admire your obviously wise counsel. You are clearly a no-nonsense sort of chap.

Do capybaras enjoy eating lawn grass? Because... my lawnmower is a bit crap, and maybe you could help out with that.

Margaret said...

Dear Dr Capybara, this isn't a problem, it's more a general Life Question. Let's say you have a drink--for example, a lovely G&T--then put the empty glass in the sink. The sink is completely clean and otherwise empty; it's not full of other dirty dishes or empty takeout containers. Why is it that if you decide, after drinking a bottle of Pinot noir with dinner, that you wish to have another gin and tonic, you find impossible to reuse that glass--even if you rinse it out? Why are you compelled to get a fresh glass?

Dr Capybara said...

I dozed off to the sound of your wittering. White noise, so restful.

Anonymous - King. Of the Grasses. Not "amuse bouche of the desert". My hooves are itching to show you my pretensions.

Tigerbaps - you revolt me. People like you give your species a bad name. I am astonished you have a mate. Scuttle? SCUTTLE?

Soda & Candy - you are confusing me with a goat. Your ignorance astounds me.

Margaret - you talk, but all I hear is a faint buzzing sound in my left ear. What? Come back when you have a real problem or I'll give you one myself.

magpie said...

Dear Dr Capybara. I hate my job, even though it is gives me some money and is only four days a week. I work in a sector where better jobs are very rare, and most of the people i graduated with have lost their jobs because of the recession. Would it be foolish to quit because it's making me unhappy?

livesbythewoods said...

Dr C, a friend of mine may be planning a vengeance posse sometime in the future.

I think you'd be ideal as a member because you are:

(a) deceptively cute to look at, therefore a perfect stealth specialist;

(b) clearly harbouring barely-suppressed fury; and

(c) probably right handy in a fight.

Want to join me? I mean them. We can make sure there's plenty of bison grass vodka for the post-posse party.

RC said...

Dear Dr Capybara

You have hooves?
Surely then you are a llama masquerading as a hamster...

Unknown said...

How can I stop eating whole jars of Nutella in one go. They're making me sick and fat.

Dr Capybara said...

Magpie - boo hoo you are in employment. I tell you what, shall I amputate some of your limbs? Might that help? Tsk.

Lives by the Woods - your "friend" sounds like a person I can do business with. If you can tell your "friend" to ensure there are small cakes to go with the vodka my presence could be secured for a reasonable fee. However do not call me cute again.

RC - did I ask about your anatomy, punk? No, I did not. Do you have a problem or are you just here to enrage me?

Helena Halme - Come over here and I'll wire your jaw shut for you. With BARBED wire. 400 Panamanian dollar capybara patented weight loss scheme. Never fails.

RC said...

Dear Dr Capybara,
Feel free to ask about anatomy. It is a speciality of mine after all.

Do you really have hooves? Hmmm...
Perhaps you have some species dysmorphism?

Or do you have something against llamas?

RapidlyExpandingGirth said...

Dr Capybara,

I need to lose weight but have no will power - what is a good way to ensure i go to the gym and/or watch what i eat?

Dr Capybara said...

RC - I refuse to treat you. Your morbid obsession with hooves requires the services of a quite different professional. Shoo, away with you.

Rapidly Expanding Girth - A good way, genius, would be to go to the gym and watch what you eat. Moron.

tigerbaps said...

Ooh you're a feisty one Dr Cap. The S & M master of the rodent world. I likes it.

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr Capybara,

Will you have sex with my husband so that I don't have to? I really don't feel like it lately, but he keeps insisting it is 'important' for him. I can handle the rest of my problems fairly well, thank you very much.

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