Monday, 14 September 2009

Definitely Nivea*

Oh christ, the state of me tonight. I am quite the catch.


1. Outfit


Sonia Rykiel skating skirt, black with fat white trim. Lovely, apart from the interesting green stains obtained leaning against a mossy bench whilst dog walking in the rain. Footless tights for dog walking in the rain. I took the (shitty, non holding up) hold ups off to scratch my myriad insect bites better.


(Actually, I took them off quite unconsciously whilst having a conversation with the CFO about money, he thought I was suggesting a way to earn more money.


CFO: That's not the answer.


E: What? Oh. No. I'm itchy.


CFO: Hmm. How much would you charge though?


E: Eh. How does €15 sound?


CFO: Very reasonable.


E: Well, there's not much on offer as you well know. Maybe they'd get a half-hearted pat on the shoulder or something for that)


The hoodie of death-by-a-thousand-stains. Black jumper. Beautiful but ill-fitting bra bought in a misjudged fit of defiance. A tartan dressing gown. Horrible old Gola trainers, brown and pink. I actually went out like this, exchanging the dressing gown for a horrible old man coat, to walk the dog. I looked like a vagrant. I am quite surprised the local constabulary didn't pick me up.


2. Body


Knee the size of a bouncy castle (I sense a visit to the Knee Kevorkian of Uccle coming up). Puffed up with the venom of 9 million insect bites. Grey complexion of one who goes to bed at 2 and gets up at 7. Look of dread of one who has agreed to get up at SIX tomorrow to take the spawn to find the local fox. There is no way that fucker will turn up; I've only seen it once in 8 months of daily dog walking. I foresee a morning of tears and disappointment. Well, a morning with even more tears and disappointment than normal. General air of decrepitude and scratchiness. I had to keep ripping my hair off at work to scratch my head. Well, ripping it off discreetly so as not to freak out the interns. Teeth ground to tiny stumps. This, I believe, is one thing the CFO won't miss, the sound of enamel crunching all night every night.


3. Mind


Today is brought to you by the emotion self-loathing and the state of inertia. I would imagine Ross from My First Dictionary could do a nice illustration of this.


4. Fucking ridiculous

As if that wasn't all bad enough, I went to make a cup of tea, and when I came back, the dog was fighting with my hair.


Oscar. It is not alive.

And if it was, you wouldn't dare touch it.



PUT. IT. DOWN. (Once I have taken an amusing picture for my weblog as my priorities are entirely skewed)

Yes, quite the catch.




*The title references the wise advice of Mrs Trefusis, blogging sage and seer, to view oneself as Crème de la Mer and not Nivea. Some days are easier than others.

25 comments:

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I will hold in my mind's eye for the rest of the day, this image of your puppy making sweet love to your hair and it will make me happy.

Jaywalker said...

Lisa - this may sustain me through this dark night of the body and soul, however I am most unsure he was making sweet love to it. He seemed a little alarmed.

redfox said...

The middle Oscar/hair photo is specially delightful, as it really does look (however misleadingly) as if he just wants to snuggle up to it at fully as possible. "Oh, let me delve deeper into your beautiful hairy center, my beloved!"

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

The alarmed part is just foreplay. Give them time.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he thought you'd vaporised? Though that wouldn't explain where your clothes went. Do you make tea in the nude? OK I hadn't thought that one through and will stop right there.

Anonymous said...

All your days are easy. You only think they are difficult because nothing truly difficult has yet happened.

RML- Being More Through Having Less said...

Ouch re the insect bites! Hope they fade fast.

M. said...

I am Palmer's cocoa butter. I don't know what it means. Cheap? Nasty smelling? Effective? Auuuuugh....

Mr London Street said...

I'm more creme de menthe than Creme de Mer. It means you can get pissed and fall asleep without having to brush your teeth.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I am creme caramel - Boots Repair and Protect - Wherever that puts me - I hope it's with the Weepette and the peruque - Lovely, charming, inexorably triste, JW - I send you love, light and dandruff flakes - for a reality check... For whatever happens in life, you may never suffer the white flakes... These may be powdered Biscuits de Weepette, bien sure... x

Jaywalker said...

Redfox/Lisa - I will not look at the dog or my hair in the same way again. Thanks for that.

Anon#1 - good god, no. The moths would destroy me.

Anon#2 - you are so right. And clearly an assiduous reader. I could say more but I am too busy eating lotuses.

RML - thank you. If I keep scratching them that seems unlikely. But it feels so good.

M - Hmm. That's just because of your scaly tail needing superior hydration. It's fine.

MLS - your dentist told you that, did he? Hmm?

tigerbaps said...

JW you are so fuckin' funny. Amen.

Mrs Trefusis... said...

Have given the Nivea/Creme de la Mer thing more thought. My new position is that fancy packaging is all very well, but of no use whatsoever if the ingredients of the cream itself are ineffective. Truth be told, Nivea is a much better cream than CdelaM. It has a better scent, a more agreeable texture, its scientific claims are not bogus, no oceans were harmed in its production, it's so good, it doesn't need to cook up a fancy story about a rocket scientist to make you feel good about parting with a hundred quid. What's more, you can buy Nivea whenever you like and you never have to stare at a tankful of tropical fish or have bad science spouted at you by zealots in White overalls when you do. When you use Nivea, you have more than the satisfaction of a good product that fulfils its promises, you get thirty percent added smugness because you've saved yourself the price of a cashmere jumper by choosing not to buy the cream with ideas above its station.
. I know you're feeling like you're having a packaging fail, but it's only temporary. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that Sometimes, being Nivea is good.

WrathofDawn said...

Defintely Boots' Refine and Rewind.

Although I think I'd prefer Refind and Rewine...

Your impending "thing" is beginning to sound like "death by a thousand cuts."

That's no fun. No fun at all.

But at least you have the weepette/hair lovemaking to amuse you.

VW - glogramu - A new Boots' product?

Anonymous said...

You are ace.

Margaret said...

Benadryl cream might trump all other lotions, fancy or not, at this point. It says "You are filled with a topical analgesic and come in a small tube that fits in a purse."

Is it time to have The Talk with Oscar about what happens between a boy dog and a girl dog when they are in love? He may just be unclear on the mechanics and appropriate partner choices.

westendmum said...

I just spat vodka and tonic over the keyboard.
WEM xx

emily said...

hmmm...at the moment im elemis...but in tiny travel size that i got free from a plane journey so goodness only knows how that works out.

Parts of your outfit sound lovely/useful if that helps?

And here is hoping that tomorrow will be better for you and that the fox shows up *hug*

WV is antship - possibly something else to look for whilst stalking the fox?!

Provincial Lady said...

It's racial memory, anything that could remotely be construed as a small furry animal is firmly bitten, just in case. Both our greyhounds (we are now on mark 2 as Bill sadly passed away) have had a particular favourite - the Dress Sporan, made from badger. Mmmmmm.

Soda and Candy said...

Oh dear.

I think I'm Palmer's Cocoa butter, but I would say it's because I'm crazy cheap, good quality and love chocolate.

Grit said...

i am lard

Jaywalker said...

Tigerbaps - blah. Thank you. I am not sure, myself. I tend towards pathetic.

Mrs T - you are very sweet and could convinve anyone of anything. But this particular brand of Netto value moisturiser for greasy grey skin is going to be hard to shift.

WoD - no honestly, it's ok, kind of. I feel like I'm going insane but that's not his fault.

Anon3 - thank you. It's probably accidental.

Margaret - you might be right. I thought that his frequent encounters with 'speedy sexeur' the homosexual sausage dog might obviate the need. clearly I was wrong.

emily - oooh, an antship. I think we already made one of those once..

Soda & Candy - you and M both! 2 votes for Palmers.

Grit - lard is all the rage. Just say you are specially imported Tuscan lard.

Red Shoes said...

Oh, oh oh oh. NO, WEEPETTE! NO!

Hugs for you, darling JW. I should send you a cultural exchange package. You sound like you could use one.

bevchen said...

I'm not sure what made me laugh more... your post or the comments.

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