Friday, 25 September 2009

The Belgian Waffle Secular Confessional, September Edition

Ok, it's that time again. I've certainly been pretty bad and I'm sure you have too. I will, of course, be availing myself of the anonymity of the confessional, but just to get us started, here are a few of my more venal and pathetic sins.

1. There are three half unpacked suitcases in the bedroom. I can't even remember what they were packed for, or when. I just dip into them. I don't see myself ever bothering unpacking.

2. There was some confusion over whether the weepette might have eaten a bar of chocolate recently (ok, honesty dictates that I confess that there wasn't really very much confusion). I did nothing about it.

3. Lashes needs a filling. That's bad enough on its own for a middle class parent, but I haven't been able to get it together to ring the dentist for a fortnight.

4. I have dark thoughts about weepette rehoming as it demolishes its eighth Kinder toy of the day. Yesterday it ate my Stella Gibbon novel and a clockwork penguin. I found the disembodied flippers on the kitchen floor. Oh god, I looked over at his sweet, pancake flat sleeping body, all bony knees and ribs as I typed that. What a bitch I am.

5. I won't answer the phone at the moment. I'm not doing so well on answering email either; I am basically in hiding. Do not ask me questions. I am NOT HERE.

6. I am jealous of the CFO's amazing trauma related weight loss.

7. I am compulsively buying nice underwear. I have about as much need for nice underwear presently as I do for a replica of the Manneken Pis constructed from Jupiler cans. None of it even fits properly since I buy it online, but I don't have the wherewithall to send it back so I wear it in defiance of its quadraboob creating superpowers.

8. I can't find the overdue €900 council tax bill. I am not looking very hard.

9. I let my son watch rabbits having sex without any attempt to make it educational. I just laughed along with him. And then, when he turned the male rabbit over and watched its tiny pink penis detumesce amusingly, we both just laughed even harder.

Ok, over to you. In a refinement to usual practice, I will be tweeting the worst sins confessed and asking for suitable punishments.


screamish said...

On Wednesday we drove several kilometres and through the centre of town until some nice chap at the traffic lights pointed out I'd left the remains of a chocolate cake and birthday candles on the roof of the car.

Oh god, what does this say about my abilities as a mother????? Where is my brain?

Anonymous said...

My daughter is approaching her final school exams, and getting alternately excited/angsted about the prospect of leaving home next year. I feel horribly guilty because (as I contemplate the possibility of a house not strewn with clothing, papers, books, toffee wrappers and shoes, and of weekends not spent in ferrying her to and from parties/shopping expeditions/video nights) I'm mostly feeling excited (God, I'm a bad mother!).

Pochyemu said...

I dont think I confessed last month. This probably means I have extra super badness all stored up for this one.

1. Related to your weight-loss jealousy, when a British reality TV sleb was dying of cancer last year I was really jealous of how skinny her legs looked. I may have even thought once, "The cancer is awful but she must be pleased she looks so good". That is really, really horrible, and even *I* knew, right after I thought that thought, that I may have an eensy weensy problem.

2. I recently badgered my husband about his unemployment situation to the point where I really thought he might just snap and kill me. And I would have deserved it, but at the time I was so high up on my high horse (what with earning twice as much as him at 10 years his junior in a temping job, god whoreallycaresI'msuchabitch) that I was pretty sure he was just being an over-reactive asshole. I may have said something along the lines of, "I don't want to be married to someone who can't get a job" during an arguement...which is probably one of the nastiest things I've said in awhile (see #1).

3. The dog. Ack god, the dog (are we seeing a monthly pattern here?). I won't let him touch me because he stinks. He stinks because I haven't bathed him in months, but I can barely stand to wash myself, let alone him. And he just wants to love me!

4. We are moving to Kent, about an hour or so's drive from my brother and sister in law. They aren't the reason for the move or the location, but when I realized this means there I will have to see The Baby far fewer times a month than I already do (around...1), I *may* have done a little dance.

5. When I was worried about my mum and her stupid congenitally defected heart (which keeps fucking her over) I talked to her over Blackberry messenger every day but forgot to call my darling father to ask how he was doing. Never even crossed my mind. I was too busy being in my own little world.

Once again, Confessional has led me to the realization that I am pretty much an awful person. Let's go eat chocolate and then bitch about being fat.

Katy Newton said...

I have a beautiful long-haired German Shepherd that I adore, but as she sheds her entire fucking coat every hour on the hour and has done for the last two weeks I too find myself entertaining dark thoughts of shepherd rehoming. I would of course be utterly devastated if I actually did have to manage without her, it's just that I'd love to leave the house without looking like a long-haired German Shepherd myself occasionally. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Uh. Right. Here we go. Bless me waffle for I have sinned.
1. I forced my ummm significant other to open a joint bank account with me a few years back. Mainly because I'm a selfish cow and was fed up being restricted to spending my own money on unnecessary gewgaws and internet shineys. So now I spend mine, and his and the credit cards on shite off the internet. I also hid his login for the online banking so that he could never see how Bad Things Have Become. He went to put petrol in the car last week and his card was declined. This has forced me to re-evaluate our relationship. I'm thinking it might be easier (for me) if we just split up, sell the house and I run off with my half to the shops. Is this wrong? Not that I give a shiny gewgawy fuck either way, frankly
2. I go to Lidl and buy big bags of the special Lidl crisps and eat them in secret. Similarly with big bars of chocolate.
3. I leave work regularly to 'work from home'. What I actually do is shamble in to the house, eat bits of cheese out of the fridge, and go to my (unmade) bed with my phone reading blogs. Nobody's any the wiser. yet.
4. I can't bring myself to care about my sick mother. I'm too wrapped up in blog reading and crisp eating and gewgaw buying. I might phone her now and again, but I'm generally doing something else while on the phone and am all distracted and shit. Sometimes I go over there but she bursts my head with her neediness.
Bring on your worst. Or don't. Whatevs.

Anonymous said...

I am enjoying some light to medium weight flirting with my ex-husband. And it's not because I fancy him. It's a revenge tactic! "Look what you're missing out on". I am an utter bitch. However, he tom-ed it around throught our marriage and I am now a destitute, single mother of two so I justify it to myself on the grounds that I am restoring the karmic balance. No penance required.

Mwa said...

I can't wait for our cats to die so I can finally clean the utility room. I'm not doing it until they are dead.

Nancy said...

Sex with my ex even though I know it confuses him. But it's convenient, and surprisingly good.

Anonymous said...

I send fake postcards to Postsecret most weeks in an envelope along with some of my pubic hair. So far they have published two of them.

Mr London Street said...

I make fake anonymous confessions on popular blogs for cheap laughs and attention. I think I may have Bob Monkhausen by proxy.

Anonymous said...

I lie around complaining to my friends online when I should be sorting out my many pressing problems. Also, I pretend to be engrossed in my book when old-but-not-at-death's-door people need a seat on public transport.

Anonymous said...

This month, Waffle, my besetting sin is LYING.

1.I have been inventing after-work client-entertaining sessions so that I don't have to go home and put my children to bed or make dinner for my husband. The excuses are increasingly lacking in credibility. I am mostly sitting at my desk and doing work, so it's not like I'm skiving, or doing something deeply interesting like going round the shops or having cocktails with an ex-boyfriend. But I can't help but feel guilty that I prefer work to child-wrangling.
2. I lied to my parents about the real reason my husband is at home & off work at the moment. In fact, I've lied to everyone about it except my hairdresser.
3. I lied to my boss about the reason I lost an account. The truth is that the client really hates me. Obviously I'm not going to admit that, am I?
4. I lied to my team about going to see a client. I went to the hairdresser.
5. Basically, I've lied to everyone. Not even big lies. Really small, irrelevant, pathetic ones. Just because I can. I worry it's become a compulsion.

Anonymous said...

my sister hooked up at a wedding and i was jealous that since i was there with my husband and entire family watching, i couldn't do any decent flirting.
i want my daughter to stay at school longer so i can have more time to lounge, nap and watch shit tv.
our house is totally trashed. bags half emptied everywhere. clothes all over the floor. one can barely walk.
i should have contacted my accountant, but haven't. can't bear to talk more about that. let's just say it goes beyond contacting him.
i keep fantasizing being single.
i also want to significantly change my work situation. maybe i should just live off of welfare or something.

Anonymous said...

I am so angry I could kill someone. I won't, I will just cry uselessly instead.

I am so angry that my hands shake and people think I have some kind of disease or stimulant withdrawal symptoms, but I don't. I'm just very, very angry.

I thought it would fade with time, but it hasn't. It just sits at the back of my head and horrifies me when it re-emerges unexpectedly and uninvited.

Fucking police state we live in.

Sorry. Not very funny, this. But true, sadly.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I pretend to be working when I'm really reading blogs, like this one. I actually have a customer waiting for an urgent document right now. This is VERY BAD, UNPROFESSIONAL behaviour. I know. Sometimes I'm very lax on myself.

I am one year late with getting a vaccination for my teenage son.

He also needs a brace on his teeth and after the first visit with the x-rays, etc., I gave in to his teenage whining and did not have the brace fitted. That was also a year ago, it's going to be much worse this time around but I will have to convince him to have one fitted.

I can't seem to muster the willpower to go to the local swimming-pool to enrol my daughter for her classes this year. I think it's because it's very hot at the swimming pool and it will make me all sweaty and I hate that. Maybe I should just call and enrol by phone?

I have a huge credit card bill to pay back. However, I tend to visit Ryanair and other websites looking for cheap tickets, when I can't afford to go anywhere. It's very dangerous, because I tend to convince myself that a weekend away won't cost that much, but of course it does, in the long run.

Pochyemu said...

My most recent confession: I was reading all of your confessions when the quite-famous, deadly powerful & wealthy CEO just walked past and got a good look at the screen.

Thank god I finish (not)working today.

tigerbaps said...

I'm a lazy procrastinating selfish greedy sneaky fat bastard. That just about covers it for this month

fabhat said...

I am dreading a weekend visit to my extremely well meaning, but totally self centered and always "right" younger sister in law. I know she will want to tell me all the things I am doing wrong in my pregnancy and also want to feel the bump...

I am doing far too much blog/net surfing/nonsense instead of work.

I am letting my husband do loads and loads of the cleaning and washing up under the guise of me being pregnant/terribly busy with work. I am just being lazy.

Persephone said...

Adding to the quagmire of my myriad other faults, I have now become a thief. While we were house-sitting this summer, one of our visitors left his/her (probably her) sunglasses on the kitchen counter. I had ample time to email around before our return to Ottawa to discover whose they were, but dammit, my sunglasses had just broken (again) and I thought I'd just wear them for a while...

We've been back for a month, and they're still in my bag. I'm so ashamed...

omchelsea said...

I was shamefully happy when an ex told me "You know, no other woman could hold a candle to you."
And then I thought Hey, it wasn't another woman, it was your own narcissism that burned the house down.

Anonymous said...

My lover fakes her orgasms. And I just don't care.

Helena Halme said...

On a recent visit to Rome husband tried on a pair of shoes in size 11. When not quite fitting the charming Italian shop assistant asked if he perhaps wanted to try 'half-past ten'? When she disappeared to the store room we fell about laughing. Husband went as far as asking for several other models in size 'half-past ten', while struggling to suppress his hilarity. Each time the poor girl left us alone to fetch the shoes, we just laughed more. We walked out of the shop giggling, but never told her the correct English term.

Husband told me this is perfectly normal British behaviour abroad though, so I'm not too guilt-ridden.

Bad Driver said...

I have just had a spatial awareness FAIL incident involving a parked car. Its wing mirror didn't look to healthy by the time I had finished. I ran away.

J. said...

Twice this week when I idly wished for some homemade cake, some mysteriously materialized (first one was yellow cake with berry chocolate frosting from a friend and the second was chocolate with cream cheese from a coworker). Instead of using this miraculous wishing power for good like bringing about world peace and single-payer health care for all Americans, I'm thinking of squandering it on more cake, or perhaps a winning lottery ticket.... Nope, I think I'm gonna go with more cake after all.

Anonymous said...

Very recently I was invited to a press preview at a major London public gallery where I bumped into a not-terribly-ex boyfriend with whom I've had an off-again, on-again thing for longer than I can remember. Four glasses of champagne and a couple of crafty fags outside later, he dared me to accompany him to the disabled lavatory for a quick shag. Which I did. It was fabulous so I don't feel too guilty, though we were none too subtle about trying to leave the lav separately, mainly because a very well known art critic was waiting outside (obviously too lazy to go to the usual loo since he's far from disabled), but he probably thought we were just in there doing drugs.

Anyway,I'm not really confessing the sex, illicit though it was. I'm confessing to not bothering to look at any of the art, but giving it a lavishly brilliant review with the aid of the press release and the catalogue. This looks slightly odd because everyone else has slagged it off.

Anonymous said...

When I hear the baby fussing at night, sometimes I pretend I'm in a deep sleep so my husband will get up and attend to him. And I'm at home on maternity leave. Selfish.

I would rather stick a fork in my eye than have my in-laws over this weekend. And I told my husband so. Mean.

tigerbaps said...

Anonymous Art Gallery shagger: FANTASTIC! Such chutzpah.

Anonymous said...

Dear Waffle

My big sin of the month: JEALOUSY.

I want him. Why has she got him?

Anonymous said...

Sometimes if I'm tired at the end of my Woman Times I pretend it's still on so I don't have to say "No" to sex and can just say "Not yet".

what a bitch!

Margaret said...

This is my first confession.

a. My house is filthy but I am too lazy to clean even though I don't work and don't have kids to mess it up. OK, it's probably not that bad, but it should be fucking spotless given my situation.

b. I feel guilty about not working so I don't enjoy my free time at all, even though it's been four years now. This drives my husband crazy and breaks his heart at the same time.

c. I am so terrified of really looking for a job because I've been out of work for so long and am old, that I am paralyzed and don't do anything. But we really need me to be working if we're ever going to buy a place/retire/not slowly go broke.

d. I buy Living Etc. on the newsstand every month even though it's nine fucking dollars. It's all because I miss Domino, which I actually hated but loved in that way you hate and love a bad man.

e. I just remembered that I haven't cleaned out the cat litter box in ages. That poor, sweet creature has been standing in a box of her own excrement for four days.

f. I promised to create a household budget two years ago and have not yet finished it. Albany takes less time to create their budgets.

g. I started knitting the husband a scarf EIGHT YEARS AGO and am only half-way done. He calls it the Scarf of Broken Promises.

Anonymous said...

I would be a happier person if my father were dead.

The City Road said...

Anon art critic shagging ex in loo and writing good review: HEART.

Just saying.

Anonymous said...

This is a little embarrassing.

I have a dear, dear friend who lives in the Low Countries. Amongst her manifold other duties in life, she has been entrusted with a sacred mission: she is the Keeper of the Holy Tortoise. As the Chosen One of this generation, she is tasked with keeping the Holy Tortoise out of harm’s way, and ensuring his continued commitment to poverty, chastity and general full-on all-round Holiness.

Recently, the Holy Tortoise – now in his hyper-hormonal adolescent years - started to feel a little frustrated by the demands of his vocation (for which he was selected at birth upon the recognition of certain mystic patterns on his newly-minted shell), and unlilaterally decided to take a gap year, to ‘find himself’. He is travelling overland from Belgium to China, hitching rides in the backpacks of larger gap year travellers. Notionally, his journey constitutes a ‘pilgrimage’ to a Confucian Holy Tortoise site in China, but worrying signs are developing that he may be going astray.

Lat week, he emailed me from Istanbul to ask if he could break his journey for a few days and make a retreat here at the C***l B**n. Naturally, I was only too delighted to say yes, and we spent a pleasant few days drinking damson vodkatinis and discussing our shared interest in minor controversies of 6th century theology.

Then, disaster struck. By happenstance I discovered that an American friend here in A*****k also has a tortoise, a mature female named Figface (because she likes to spend the later months of each summer waiting underneath her owner’s fig-tree for the figs to drop off, and then eating them). It seemed the most harmless thing in the world to bring these two Testudinidae together, before the HT resumed his journey, and his solitary destiny.

My friend brought Figface round to call, and we thought the tortoises would disport themselves harmlessly in the courtyard. Instead, whilst we were in the kitchen whipping up some pomegranate daiquiris, the tortoises disappeared together into the log pile – and refuse to come out for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Eventually, after 48 hours in there with no lettuce, they emerged: the Holy Tortoise looking somewhat dazed, and the Brazen Harlot Figface with a big fat satisfied smile on her face.

This morning I found that the Holy Tortoise had left before dawn to continue his pilgrimage along the Silk Road to China – he left a polite note thanking me, but said it was time for him to ‘get his head together’ and move on. Meanwhile, my friend tells me that she suspects Figface is now with child.

How can I explain to my friend that instead of keeping the Holy Tortoise free from worldly distractions to pursue his sacred destiny, I have allowed him to become entangled with a tortoise Jezebel, and very likely to receive a visit from The Child Support Agency (Testudinidae division) a few months down the line?

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned….

Anonymous said...

This month my sin is passed on from my mother

I showed off

Pretty feeble I guess, but she got me so young and freaked me out so well that I see it as a dreadful sin.

I am secretly pleased that both children are not at home so I am the only person lying on the sofa watching crap on the television eating the wrong food at the wrong time.

Anonymous said...

Am considering an affair which hopefully neither my husband nor my lover will find out about

wv telless - didn't listen to that did I ?

Jaywalker said...

I have had some assistance with penance from Cardinal Farringdon.

Screamish - hang on. Did you leave a child on the roof? No? Then NO SIN.

Anon - oh, lord too right. No sin, no penance.

Pochyemu - ah, Danielle, always a star confessor. I would sentence you to meat bread but that's too cruel. I think you should take Toby to somewhere someone else will wash him. Steal the money if necessary, I'll give you advance absolution for next month.

Katy - thank god for that. I was bracing myself for dog neglect accusations, quite fairly.

Anon #1 I love the phrase "Not that I give a shiny gewgawy fuck either way, frankly" so much I don't really want to smite you with scorpions. However Cardinal Farringdon does, and sentences you to listen to several hours of "Moneybox Live".

Anon #2 that's just pure as the driven snow and not even a tiny bit sinful. Bless you my child and let your ex long for you hopelessly. No penance.

Mwa - are they at least old? Or are you thinking they might have an 'accident'?

Nancy - pff, you are both adults. Well, I hope you are.

Anonymous said...

Ok. First, I need to tell you all about the tiny wee beastie that is a flour mite. Harmless, particularly when cooked. And eaten.

They are a reasonably common discovery in flour that has sat too many weeks in the cupboard above the kettle, and the trick is to check inside before you start dispensing the stuff liberally into the recipe. This is a simple enough rule to remember: CHECK FOR LIVESTOCK.

I recently made a cake for someone in a hurry - a cake for which money exchanged hands - and it wasn't until I had finished icing it, 3 hours later, that I suddenly jumped in surprise and focused in on the tiiiiiiiny little critter wandering happily across the icing.

I took the cake outside, blew the mite off it, and pretended I hadn't seen a Damn Thing.

Cardinal Farringdon said...

Cardinal Farringdon enters, stage left. *boo* *hiss*

He wears a robe of midnight blue.

He dispenses penance, then exits from whence he came. There is no absolution.

Art Critic must review the following ( ) book for a quality broadsheet, and include personal anecdotes. The book is described as "timely & educational addition to unheralded and hitherto sorely neglected field of toilet studies".

Angry Anon, oh dear. Such futile expenditure of energy. We need to find you a controlled non-violent outlet for that energy. Like Kick-boxing. Or repeated viewing of Fight Club. Or this ( ).

Anonymous said...

When I moved out of my last flat, I skipped out on all my final utilities payments. Because I don't use the same vendors for any of my current utilities, they can't find me now (though I do get an occasional forwarded notice of the bailiffs visiting my old flat, which makes me smile). I feel a bit bad for the water company, which wasn't really rapacious but just incompetent when asked to pro-rate my annual bill, but the gas and electric companies are getting their just desserts.

Margaret said...

What the he'll? No penance for me? I was raised Catholic and I want my goddamn penance! Hail Marys and Our Fathers--get on that or I'll report you to...someone.

Anonymous said...

I am multiple-shagging Anon's evil twin. I too have a wife and a mistress and this week did some dreadfully filthy with a naughty lady I found via the intertrons.

We both had a fabulous time. Any penance will be totally worth it.

PS perhaps multiple-shagging Anon and I should find a way to exchange email addresses. We deserve each other.

Ella said...

My boyfriend left on a business trip two days ago. Since he left I have drunk four bottles of wine, eaten half my body weight in popcorn and watched so much gay porn that I think I will never be able to have normal sex again.

He comes home tonight but I'm too exhausted to care.

P.S. I'm Catholic. Hell is real to me.

The City Road said...

First of all, how distracting is Twitter - I'm telling you if Chaucer had Twitter the Canterbury Tales would be two 140-character missives about some dodgy priest and the wife of someone he knew from Bath.

I occasionally go for a drink with a recent ex-girlfriend, and we meet at a location that has a certain erotic significance for us. Neither one is entirely happy that we can't be together, but that is how things are, and it's pleasant enough to talk. I am guilty of elevating the erotic factor rather by always wearing the scent she most loved on me when we were together, and even teasing her by wafting the scent in her direction whilst we talk. It's a very particular form of torture.

At one of the venues I walked into almost empty auditorium to see a lovely girl on stage alone. I walked past watching her, lights from the gantry blinding me, then on my way back stopped to talk to her. It was only when she bent to hug me I realised it was a) someone I've had a crush on for years and who I know very well b) someone who lives in some small town in Central America, not London c) that she thought I had recognised her as opposed to idly chatting her up because she looked cute up there. Days later I'm still in shock from having seen her, and am trying to stop myself calling her - because if I do, I might just shatter the lovely sweet heart of another into tiny pieces.

I encouraged a Facebook Friend request recently, and accepted it. Wrong in so many ways I cannot even begin to explain. Wrong by both of us. WRONG.

To all the people that called and left voicemail in anticipation, emailed or txtd some lovely message of hope or charity; you're correct, I haven't got back to you. Because I'm shit.

Hmm, am I supposed to recount all the lying, cheating and stealing also? Fuck that. Like, it's not as if anyone died this month*; no-one cried themselves to sleep because of some crap behaviour on my part, so I'm counting September as a minor improvement. My soul is, if not exactly white, then a lighter shade of taupe than normal.

* Obviously this isn't true. Loads of people did, but you can't pin any of those deaths on me, was my point.

Cardinal Farringdon said...

There is the sinister swish of a blue robe - did I mention just how dark that blue is?

Margaret - patience, you'll recall, is a virtue. A virtue I suspect you lack a little of. Perhaps knit a row or two more of that scarf while you await judgement...

Bless you.


Anonymous said...

I confess to coveting a life as romantically complicated at The City Road's and to jealousy at everyone who is having eroto-romantic fun on Confessional this month.

I also confess to hoping the confessions that make me feel inadequate are made up.

Bless me, Waffle.

Grit said...

judging by this lot i have been insufferably, pointlessly GOOD. i am a boring bastard. all i have done is poke fun at ed balls.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I work for Ed Balls... A long way down the line...

I had a terrible stand-up fight with my gangly teenage son - I came home the next day to find the house locked and in darkness and he'd gone to stay at his girlfriend's - I feel ashamed of my behaviours... And yet, a part of me wanted him to realise just how far his behaviour had driven me to madness...

Love you Waffle x

Grit said...

oh, and graham badman.

forgot about him.

screamish said...

been reading these confessions and have come to the conclusion that i need to get out more..chocolate cake on roof of car just cant compete.

Anonymous said...

- I'm actually quite relieved that my friend cancelled and I get to stay in tonight and watch Strictly Come Dancing
- I drink, at home, on my own. Not lots, but enough to make me tipsy and sleepy the next morning
- I'm going to use my tax savings to pay off my credit card bill this month.
- I met a fantastic guy, had awesome nearly-sex, but on the second date I lost the butterflies. I'm still planning to see him again though for actual sex
- I still have an interest-free student overdraft even though I graduated three years ago, and I'm planning to use this to pay my rent this month.
- I still fancy my ex-boyfriend, a lot. I always dress sexy when I see him (and he doesn't appear tempted in the slightest)
- I lied about my salary (ok, average earnings) at the bank (and to my landlord)
- I have only given money to one homeless person in the past month
- when I'm home, my friends buy me drinks cos I earn less than they do and they think I'm a pauper. I find this both patronising and a huge relief and I hate myself for it
- I don't enjoy visiting my Granny; she's very deaf and it's almost impossible to communicate with her
- I stalk my ex-boyfriends on facebook (who doesn't though?)
- I get angry, with ticket inspectors, passport control, pharmacists, everyone. I sometimes throw tantrums
- I have two degrees and speak four languages but I still think my life would be vastly improved if my boobs were bigger.

Anonymous said...

I haven't had sex with my husband for a long long time. It's just another symptom. All is not well, but we are too cowardly to face up to the fact that perhaps we should separate. Belgian Waffle is much braver than I am.

Anonymous said...

I confess that I have been crossing the road a lot these last two months. This phenomenon manifests itself in two scenarios. Firstly, I regularly cross the road to avoid speaking to people I know, but dislike (ie nearly everybody). I frequently do this whilst pretending to be speaking to somebody on my phone, as if this extra distraction makes it normal to be criss-crossing the roads of London.

In the second scenario, if I see an attractive girl heading my way on the other side of the street, I will cross the road in the hope that we will make eye contact. Ideally she would also open her mouth in wonderment at my beauty. Parts of her clothing might spontaneously fall off. Or she might just faint. Alas, none of this ever happens, but I live in hope.

So. I confess that I am rude to my acquaintances and that I am either spectacularly in need of validation or spectacularly in need of sex. Both probably true.

PS I always wear clean pants. Can't be too careful when crossing the mean streets of London town.

Grit said...

and delyth morgan.

but she started it.

Anonymous said...

Is City Road some sort of god amongst men? Or is he like the Simon Day character from the Fast Show who thought everyone fancied him if they so much as said 'hello' to him ('Jane, I've told you before, you're a lovely woman but this must stop, I'm not leaving my wife for you' etc)?

If this sounds bitchy, then I confess it.

Anonymous said...

I have been good, as far as I can see, I don't do much, but then I don't do much harm either. I am sin neutral at the mo. BUT! I intend to sin. I have now lost nearly 2 stone and have been going to pilates 3x a week. And I deserve a reward. So, I have decided that when I hit target weight I will allow myself a 'night out of time' with the man of my choice. I think of it as my duty to my new body. I am not terribly repentant. But slightly guilty because lovely husband. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

1. Ice cream for dinner. Again.

2. I quit drinking and lasted 10 days. Then I began again.

3. I am meant to collect the water and rubbish bills from the people in the front house. I have not done this. Ever.

4. When I tell my elderly parents I am going to be over at 2 pm and it is 2:15 and I am on the way, I scream at my voice mail when my mother calls to ask if I am still coming. I scream terrible things.

5. I saw a young man getting beaten on the street today by a thug. He got away and ran down the street. I went round the block to come back and ask him if he needed help. I was in the car at an intersection and he was on the corner. I shouted, "Are you ok?" He ignored me. "Are you OK??" I shouted again? And again. Finally "Well, for fuck's sake, I'm trying to make sure you are ok." He fairly ran across the street to get away from me.

6. I work at home two days a week. If possible, I do absolutely nothing.

Anonymous said...

M&S's velveteen chocolate milk drink. Lots of it. Yum.

Anonymous said...

My son (5) is not doing fabulously well at school (he's in the bottom group for reading/maths) and while I'm beset by middle class mummy guilt and know it's all my fault, part of me thinks 'why don't you just stop daydreaming and try a bit harder?' I repeat, he is 5.

GingerB said...

I've been hostile to my husband, but he deserved that, so I got nothing. Where do you guys find the time to sin so much? Seriously, how do you do it?

bevchen said...

I'm incredibly jealous of everyone with a sex related confession. The boyfriend and I haven't had sex for nearly 2 months! He says he doesn't feel like it because of stress at work & family problems, and claims it has nothing to do with me. I sgouldbe understanding. Instead I keep shouting at him for absolutely no reason at all out of sheer sexual frustration.

Also, one of my dad's cousins has just had a baby, two more are pregnant and a fourth is getting married in January. I keep checking their facebook pages for updates, commenting on baby pictures, reading all the messages of congratulations... even though it makes me feel a) jealous and b) sorry for myself. I don't even want babies for another couple of years and yet I feel sorry for myself. Why?!

Other than that I haven't had time to sin this month. Eating whole 200g packets of crisps before dinner and not washing a single dish for at least 4 days in a row don't even count as sins any more in my book.

theharridan said...

i cannot stand any of my husband's friends and so when he invited them all for a bloody bbq today i just got mean and sullen and bitchy all the morning and then when they arrived (late - so late - they obvs hate me too) I pretended the baby was sick and stayed inside the flat reading magazines and looking angry. i missed out on eating lots of food which is good owing to my fatness situation.
i also stay up late reading blogs and playing scrabble online with my mother until my husband goes to bed PURELY so he cannot have a sneaky little look at porn so HA! I have been bad too

Jaywalker said...

I confess: I am so tired and hungover and fucking miserable I can't manage to give you all penance. The Little Lord Nathan forgives you all. September is hard, my wafflelytes and I am feeling compassionate.

Hardass catholics who really want to feel the lick of the fiery furnace could try and prevail on Cardinal Farringdon to smite them with scorpions.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 26 September 2009 05:27 here. I personally have made time for extra-curricular activities by ignoring wives and friends and bunking off work from time to time. I realise some responsibilities are less easy to evade but you should try just being a heartless bastard/bitch and angling for some tawdry pleasure online sometime.

I'm not proud of myself by by hell it was fun.

Anonymous said...

And (((Jaywalker))) too.

Anonymous said...

i ended my long distance relationship so i could have sex with random people without feeling guilty (he cried for an hour), knowing that when he comes back, we will probably get back together. and he is in a situation where there is no chance of a shag, unless one visits a prostitute...since then ive had sex with various men i've met online. feeling 96% fantastic, 4% guilty

Margaret said...

Farringdon, get your lazy altar boy-buggering ass out here and hand out the freaking confessions already! I have a backlog of sad, middle-aged, nonsexual first-world sins to commit and I can't get them done until I work off the previous batch. Love you, mean it--Impatient Margaret.

(Waffle, have a hug from the mean girl.)

Cardinal Farringdon said...

* swish swish*


I'll skip over the paradox implied by 'boy-buggering ass" and note that one additional penance will be added for calling a member of the clergy 'lazy'. We (by which I mean HIM in his infinite wisdom) invented the notion of slander you realise?

As an aside, don't even try smiting with scorpions unless you're holding them by the tail. Ouch.

Cleanliness being next to godliness is but a puritan heresy, no sin.

Your time on earth is yours to do with as you see fit; breaking a heart seems a mighty popular pastime amongst you lot (this may equally apply to the scarf).Forgiven but see penance below.

Employment fear and budget creation aren't sins. I didn't spend years in a Jesuit seminary in order to deal with your recruitment and Excel problems. I do however find, in a small corner of my cold heart, this inspirational video for you:

I'm with you on Living Etc, am complete magazine junkie when it comes to Theology Today and Diocesan Times. Absolved to avoid hypocrisy on the part of this church.

The Cat Litter. I'm struggling here, I admit; the poor creature ankle deep in shit is too much like an analogy for the suffering we all endure. My mind is set, see below.

Your penance, which I don't serve lightly, is fitting I think; for both Jaywalker's strange cake theme, for the fast approaching Halloween and for the poor poor kitty. Enjoy.

Margaret said...

Consider me chastened, your eminence. I will watch my smart mouth in the future, too.

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