Dear Dr Capybara,
Why does this modem hate me? And why does the convenient USB thing I have carefully sourced from Darty not work either? I had several ideas for posts before everything went tits up and now I am too narky to put any of them into practice. The modem has this attractive way of toying with me for several hours at a stretch, giving me nanoseconds of connectivity and then snatching them away again. The USB 'stick' (indeed, an actual stick might be more use) heats to boiling point and does absolutely nothing. I am beginning to wonder if I haven't been sold a USB cigar lighter by mistake. In the absence of a connection I have had to cast my jaundiced gaze over the Outdoors briefly (windy), eat outrageously good salted butter caramel ice cream and buy a pouting fish. This is unacceptable. Would the technology respect me more if I grew a moustache? Or one of those peculiar no-moustache beards sported by retired teachers all over France that take the form of small necklace of beard worn around the chin? I will try anything.
Also, would you please also answer all the other questions I asked you onyour private premium rate advice line 3615 Capybara (chinchillas, etc) and deal with The Wafflechild's dream analysis regarding Graham Norton swimming in a dirty birthing pool, and the Fat Controller's vermin hotel ethics question. Your payment in ice lollies is on its way. Sort of.
In the meantime, here are two absolutely OUTSTANDING fête entries, both from the pedigree With a Y stables. The With a Ys have previous, being responsible (I think that's the right word) for last year's vegetable winner the Angler Fish.
First, from Lucy, 'The March of the Penguins'
And next, from defending champion Mr With a Y, 'Lion Fish'. Rumblings from purists are already audible about the use of cocktail sticks AND marker pen, but the end result is undeniably brilliant. The judge (EDITH!) will of course decide...
Also, thank you so much for your comments yesterday which were lovely and thorougly undeserved and which made me feel entirely fraudulent in their kindness and praise. I will answer them tomorrow when I hope not be sucked into the black hole of Normandy technology.