Thursday, 6 August 2009

Technology failure redeemed by vegetable triumph

Dear Dr Capybara,

Why does this modem hate me? And why does the convenient USB thing I have carefully sourced from Darty not work either? I had several ideas for posts before everything went tits up and now I am too narky to put any of them into practice. The modem has this attractive way of toying with me for several hours at a stretch, giving me nanoseconds of connectivity and then snatching them away again. The USB 'stick' (indeed, an actual stick might be more use) heats to boiling point and does absolutely nothing. I am beginning to wonder if I haven't been sold a USB cigar lighter by mistake. In the absence of a connection I have had to cast my jaundiced gaze over the Outdoors briefly (windy), eat outrageously good salted butter caramel ice cream and buy a pouting fish. This is unacceptable. Would the technology respect me more if I grew a moustache? Or one of those peculiar no-moustache beards sported by retired teachers all over France that take the form of small necklace of beard worn around the chin? I will try anything.

Also, would you please also answer all the other questions I asked you onyour private premium rate advice line 3615 Capybara (chinchillas, etc) and deal with The Wafflechild's dream analysis regarding Graham Norton swimming in a dirty birthing pool, and the Fat Controller's vermin hotel ethics question. Your payment in ice lollies is on its way. Sort of.



In the meantime, here are two absolutely OUTSTANDING fĂȘte entries, both from the pedigree With a Y stables. The With a Ys have previous, being responsible (I think that's the right word) for last year's vegetable winner the Angler Fish.

First, from Lucy, 'The March of the Penguins'

And next, from defending champion Mr With a Y, 'Lion Fish'. Rumblings from purists are already audible about the use of cocktail sticks AND marker pen, but the end result is undeniably brilliant. The judge (EDITH!) will of course decide...

Also, thank you so much for your comments yesterday which were lovely and thorougly undeserved and which made me feel entirely fraudulent in their kindness and praise. I will answer them tomorrow when I hope not be sucked into the black hole of Normandy technology.


Jon in France said...

The weather really is bad where you are isn't it?

Love the penguins. I've been wondering what to do with the aubergine glut and now I know.

Helena said...

Hey! Marker pen is totally OK. As is the use of cocktail sticks and screws, particularly if the result is crap...unlike the lion fish. (Do these people have an unusual fish fetish?)
I would like someone to make a dung beetle for the fete please? Given that I can't be arsed to do anything this year. And let's be honest, I couldn't really be arsed to do anything last year either (although I still have my prize for least effort). I am now putting in requests for other people to do my ideas for me.
Do I win a prize for even less effort?
Thank you.
H. x
PS Your Mum sounds ace. My mother was also incredible, but is still here so leaves me feeling deeply inferior and disappointing about my non-incredibleness. It's good to be reminded how lucky I am that she is still here now and then.

Helena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mya said...

Ooh, those creepy no-moustache- but-chin-frills...I just can't look those guys in the face. Then I end up staring at their slack-clad crotches, and things just get worse and worse.
We have lots of cucumbers at the moment, of the variety Long Anglais...they are quite warty, so might make good toads...slim, elegant toads.

Mya x

I read your amazing Mum's obit - what a star. Fucking ace, alright.

screamish said...

march of the penguins involves, am i right, mousseline (dried mashed potato flakes) to represent snow? a stroke of pure genius....

livesbythewoods said...

Screamish - it's ground almonds, buy yes, snow.

livesbythewoods said...

And I don't have a fish fetish.

Mr WithaY, on the other hand, is a keen diver and shark conservationist, so it's more than possible.

screamish said...

ground almonds!!! marzipan snow!!! chic!!!

i dont know about the marker pen thing. its like the Tour de France cyclists being allowed earphones. or swimmers wearing those special suits that they're banning, surely? but i have to say its a great fish

bevchen said...

My poor aubergine bee would be cowering in shame now if I hadn't already eaten him. Those penguins are excellent! So is the fish.

Helena Halme said...

Moustache must be the solution. I'm starting to grow one now, perhaps BT will then give me uninterrupted access to broadband here in the deepest darkest 'shire where internet is obviously not necessary. Or to put it another way, I feel your pain and love the penguins.

Jaywalker said...

Jon - meh, bright sun and stuff. UNBEARABLE.

Helena - Ok, I am totally willing to take on the dung beetle but I need a little more guidance. Like, can you find me a picture of one of them? do you have any legume ideas?

Mya - yes! Those warty cornichon cucumbers would be perfect toads. Do it do it do it.

Screamish - I think cocktails sticks are ok in a structural context, but I'm not sure about them as a decorative element. Controversial I know. But the judge will decide.

LBTW - he is a crazy vegetable over-achiever and no mistake.

Bevchen - if you hadn't eaten him, the lion fish would. It was better this way..

Helena - moustaches are an excellent diversion if nothing else. And perhaps we will be able to fashion a rudimentary connection with them when they are long enough?